(no subject)
So today I went out and ran top secret errands. (It has to do with Mike and Mary's wedding/awesome present. Shhh don't tell lol.) And then I went to the bar to support Jordan. Well, more specifically, to try to see if I could support Jordan. To see if we can work out a viable friendship. I have been doing really really well the past few days. Like, I think I'm ok. I mean, ok obviously I'm not 100%, but I know I will be fine.
And then I saw Jordan.
You guys...he is a wreck. An absolute mess. I don't think I've really ever seen anyone look that bad. And fool everyone else into thinking they're ok. He said he's drank, excessively, every night. And I believe him. We went out back away from everyone and talked. And it was not pretty. I can't even explain it. It's like...it's like he's acting like he has no reason to live. Or maybe it's like he hates himself and believes he doesn't deserve to be happy? I don't know...it's really impossible to describe. And probably other people can't see it as well as I can just because I know him so well. I tried to talk to him. He said that it's not just the thing with me, it's a lot of stuff. He did eventually tell me that the father of one of his old bandmates has cancer and is dying. This guy is like a second father to Jordan so he's taking it badly. He said, "Everyone I care about ends up leaving me." and then he listed all his old bandmates and me and Trey's father. At first I felt kinda sorry for him, and still part of me does. But then part of me got kinda mad. I didn't just "leave him", he kinda pushed me away. He lied to me about crap he didn't need to lie about. And the past few days I've thought about lots of other little things. And I told him tonight, yah I could have just forgiven him and said "ok just do better next time kthanks" but I didn't. And part of that is because I decided it wasn't worth the risk. I told him, "This isn't just a black and white case of 'Jordan fucked up'. It just put me in a position where it absolutely forced me to look at things in a cold and logical way." And the truth is, and I told him all of this too, apparently he felt lonely a long time ago and never told me. This isn't about fault and blaming him. I'm trying to get him to see that. We both need to just look at like - ok, this is where we are, where do we go from here? We need to stop looking back and start looking forward. He told me he didn't think he could. That he didn't think he had the energy. I said that I felt like I'd been beaten - like when a gang beats you in or when you walk down a line and everyone is allowed to hit you and see if you break. And I've been knocked to the ground, but I got up. And I might be bloody and a bit worse for wear, but I don't give up and I don't lay on the ground. I drag myself up on my feet and I keep walking. And I told him that only he can make the decision on whether or not he gets back up. No one can help him or make it for him. There comes a point when it's you versus the pain. Which one wins.
And then I got a little bit pissed. Subconsciously at first. But then it just kept growing all night as I watched him feel sorry for himself. How the fuck is it fair that his actions were what put us here - he is the one that lied to me and slept with another girl - and yet there I was comforting HIM. I had to be the one to tell him not beat himself up. I had to be the one to try to make things ok for him. When I can barely make it ok for me. I had to be the strong one. WTF? I mean, yah I feel horrible about the stuff that doesn't involve me. It is terrible that Trey's father is sick. It's really sad that he and I are not what we once were. But that part is sad for me too! And yah I had a couple days where I cried a lot. But even at my lowest I said, "Wow, this fucking sucks right now - a whole shit ton - and I'm gonna vent a minute, but gimme some time and I'll pull through." I never ever said, "I don't think I'll make it." or "I don't think this is worth it." I have said things like "I'm not sure what to do" but it was still in the spirit of trying to do the right thing. I just don't know...something about the victim attitude he's pulling makes me mad...especially since when it comes to me at least he really isn't the victim.
Does that make me a cold horrible person? I mean, a huge part of me still feels really really sad and worried that he is so messed up right now. But I don't know what to say to him. I barely know what to say to me. Watching him trying to perform tonight while he was so torn up was really hard for me. I wanted to comfort him, I wanted to hug him, I wanted to be there for him. But seriously...how the fuck am I supposed to that when most of the reason he is so messed up is because of some weird self-imposed victim complex/unnecessary guilt trip caused by the situation with me? I have tried to reason and tell him exactly how I feel and where I'm coming from and that I'm not mad at him and I don't even really blame him so much. I mean, yah his actions are what led to the climax - to the spark. But something would have set it off.
So...he just called me. Drunk. Almost crying. WTF am I supposed to say?? How is it fair that I have to be the strong one here...again? But I can't not care about him, so I can't tell him that I can't be here for him. I DID tell him that eventually he has got to be the one that makes the call for himself - he has got to the be the one to decide to stand up and be strong, or to lay down and give up. Even though I wish I could help him more, I can't. I told him I still care about him. I don't know what more to do. Shew.
And then I saw Jordan.
You guys...he is a wreck. An absolute mess. I don't think I've really ever seen anyone look that bad. And fool everyone else into thinking they're ok. He said he's drank, excessively, every night. And I believe him. We went out back away from everyone and talked. And it was not pretty. I can't even explain it. It's like...it's like he's acting like he has no reason to live. Or maybe it's like he hates himself and believes he doesn't deserve to be happy? I don't know...it's really impossible to describe. And probably other people can't see it as well as I can just because I know him so well. I tried to talk to him. He said that it's not just the thing with me, it's a lot of stuff. He did eventually tell me that the father of one of his old bandmates has cancer and is dying. This guy is like a second father to Jordan so he's taking it badly. He said, "Everyone I care about ends up leaving me." and then he listed all his old bandmates and me and Trey's father. At first I felt kinda sorry for him, and still part of me does. But then part of me got kinda mad. I didn't just "leave him", he kinda pushed me away. He lied to me about crap he didn't need to lie about. And the past few days I've thought about lots of other little things. And I told him tonight, yah I could have just forgiven him and said "ok just do better next time kthanks" but I didn't. And part of that is because I decided it wasn't worth the risk. I told him, "This isn't just a black and white case of 'Jordan fucked up'. It just put me in a position where it absolutely forced me to look at things in a cold and logical way." And the truth is, and I told him all of this too, apparently he felt lonely a long time ago and never told me. This isn't about fault and blaming him. I'm trying to get him to see that. We both need to just look at like - ok, this is where we are, where do we go from here? We need to stop looking back and start looking forward. He told me he didn't think he could. That he didn't think he had the energy. I said that I felt like I'd been beaten - like when a gang beats you in or when you walk down a line and everyone is allowed to hit you and see if you break. And I've been knocked to the ground, but I got up. And I might be bloody and a bit worse for wear, but I don't give up and I don't lay on the ground. I drag myself up on my feet and I keep walking. And I told him that only he can make the decision on whether or not he gets back up. No one can help him or make it for him. There comes a point when it's you versus the pain. Which one wins.
And then I got a little bit pissed. Subconsciously at first. But then it just kept growing all night as I watched him feel sorry for himself. How the fuck is it fair that his actions were what put us here - he is the one that lied to me and slept with another girl - and yet there I was comforting HIM. I had to be the one to tell him not beat himself up. I had to be the one to try to make things ok for him. When I can barely make it ok for me. I had to be the strong one. WTF? I mean, yah I feel horrible about the stuff that doesn't involve me. It is terrible that Trey's father is sick. It's really sad that he and I are not what we once were. But that part is sad for me too! And yah I had a couple days where I cried a lot. But even at my lowest I said, "Wow, this fucking sucks right now - a whole shit ton - and I'm gonna vent a minute, but gimme some time and I'll pull through." I never ever said, "I don't think I'll make it." or "I don't think this is worth it." I have said things like "I'm not sure what to do" but it was still in the spirit of trying to do the right thing. I just don't know...something about the victim attitude he's pulling makes me mad...especially since when it comes to me at least he really isn't the victim.
Does that make me a cold horrible person? I mean, a huge part of me still feels really really sad and worried that he is so messed up right now. But I don't know what to say to him. I barely know what to say to me. Watching him trying to perform tonight while he was so torn up was really hard for me. I wanted to comfort him, I wanted to hug him, I wanted to be there for him. But seriously...how the fuck am I supposed to that when most of the reason he is so messed up is because of some weird self-imposed victim complex/unnecessary guilt trip caused by the situation with me? I have tried to reason and tell him exactly how I feel and where I'm coming from and that I'm not mad at him and I don't even really blame him so much. I mean, yah his actions are what led to the climax - to the spark. But something would have set it off.
So...he just called me. Drunk. Almost crying. WTF am I supposed to say?? How is it fair that I have to be the strong one here...again? But I can't not care about him, so I can't tell him that I can't be here for him. I DID tell him that eventually he has got to be the one that makes the call for himself - he has got to the be the one to decide to stand up and be strong, or to lay down and give up. Even though I wish I could help him more, I can't. I told him I still care about him. I don't know what more to do. Shew.