(no subject)
I think I might be crazy.
Like, legitimately crazy. If I had not had a psychologist tell me in college that I was in fact sane, I would seriously consider signing myself into a clinic.
I just don't feel like it's normal for a person to be so depressed. I look at normal people, people around me, and none of them seem as depressed as I am. Or, maybe the better way to put it is, I don't feel like other people hit the kind of lows that come pretty easy to me. And I mean, part of me thinks I shouldn't be so hard on myself. The love of my life IS dating an ex-man who works at Hooters. (ok, I don't have proof that she used to be a man...but the pics speak for themselves. That's only mostly a joke.) The Hooters part is by far the worst part of that statement. Though the ex-man thing doesn't help with the growing suspicions of many that he is, in fact, gay. And that Jordan did just kinda rip my heart out. And is now pretty much destroyed and what the hell am I supposed to do? Last night he came over and cried and told me he missed me and blah blah blah and even brought me a burger king crown he had found somewhere. Backstory - a few weeks ago before the drama, I had mentioned that I really missed burger king crowns. I had almost forgotten I'd even said it. He, apparently, didn't. I know he cares about me, and I know I care about him. And I don't entirely blame him for the way things are now. His actions where simply what triggered me to really question him and us. And to see that it just isn't right, no matter how we do it, for us to be together. It is really hard for me to stay strong under all this. And although I am like 98% sure that I've done the right thing in all of the above situations, it doesn't make them easy to swallow.
The next part I've been not wanting to post about, because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way. Let me start out by saying that I am SO GLAD I got to go to Mike and Mary's wedding. Being there and being able to be a part of that made me so happy and did my heart an incredible amount of good. The way those two love each other gives me hope. Not for me maybe, but just in the fact that that kind of thing can exist, that people in general can be capable of something that good - it gives me hope. It gives me something to look at other than people hurting each other. It's a relationship in which there is FUNCTION and the people don't have to destroy each other, even when they do love each other. That having been said, it was still really hard for me to be there. First, there was the fact that Laura was there and it made me INTENSELY sad to remember how things used to be, and how they absolutely are not anymore. It made me miss having a sister. And watching them get married, I just had to wonder if it'll ever happen for me. A HUGE part of me really doesn't believe it ever will. And though I'll say I never want to get married, it's only partially true. I would love to get married...if I found a guy worth it. If I believed a man like that existed. But I don't. The kind of man I want to marry exists in fantasy novels. And an occasional movie. Not in real life.
And I guess that kinda hits the core of why I'm sad, and why I'm worried that my depression levels are incredibly unhealthy. I was reading a bunch of old stuff on my old computer last night and I found a conversation I had with a friend about various things. Among them were god, and a love and passion for living that I believed religions ignore in lieu of promises for the afterlife. I was so adamant about passion and love and life. I remember being that person. And I got realllllly depressed because I'm not that person anymore. I had a thought and it really scared me. I thought, "I will never be as passionate about anything as I used to be about everything." And I cried.
Other people seem to be able to take the bad things that happen to them and sweep them under some kind of rug or something and just move on and not get cynical. Or they say they're cynical, but they go on able to love with the same depth and capacity. I, on the other hand, so desperately do NOT want to be cynical, and I wake up one day and find that I just can't be the girl I used to be. And it breaks my heart, but I don't know how to undo the shit I've been through. I don't know how to unlearn the lessons life has taught me.
And I feel like something is wrong with me because I CANT just get over it. I feel so weighed down by the tragic things that have happened, and so beaten up - usually by the people I've cared the most about. I don't know how to come out on the other side ok...I don't even think there is "the other side". Maybe this is it - life fucking sucks and people are bound to hurt each other no matter what. It's a shit hand and you play the best you can. You find joy where you can, you take some kind of hope in whatever moments of hope you find in whatever usually brief relationships you can form with people - you make the best of it.
...Maybe that trip to the psych ward isn't such a terrible idea. I'd call it a vacation. Or maybe I'll skip the clinic and just head for the woods. And stay...for a while. Or maybe I'll just duce out and head to Tibet and be a big bald nun. Hot.
Like, legitimately crazy. If I had not had a psychologist tell me in college that I was in fact sane, I would seriously consider signing myself into a clinic.
I just don't feel like it's normal for a person to be so depressed. I look at normal people, people around me, and none of them seem as depressed as I am. Or, maybe the better way to put it is, I don't feel like other people hit the kind of lows that come pretty easy to me. And I mean, part of me thinks I shouldn't be so hard on myself. The love of my life IS dating an ex-man who works at Hooters. (ok, I don't have proof that she used to be a man...but the pics speak for themselves. That's only mostly a joke.) The Hooters part is by far the worst part of that statement. Though the ex-man thing doesn't help with the growing suspicions of many that he is, in fact, gay. And that Jordan did just kinda rip my heart out. And is now pretty much destroyed and what the hell am I supposed to do? Last night he came over and cried and told me he missed me and blah blah blah and even brought me a burger king crown he had found somewhere. Backstory - a few weeks ago before the drama, I had mentioned that I really missed burger king crowns. I had almost forgotten I'd even said it. He, apparently, didn't. I know he cares about me, and I know I care about him. And I don't entirely blame him for the way things are now. His actions where simply what triggered me to really question him and us. And to see that it just isn't right, no matter how we do it, for us to be together. It is really hard for me to stay strong under all this. And although I am like 98% sure that I've done the right thing in all of the above situations, it doesn't make them easy to swallow.
The next part I've been not wanting to post about, because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way. Let me start out by saying that I am SO GLAD I got to go to Mike and Mary's wedding. Being there and being able to be a part of that made me so happy and did my heart an incredible amount of good. The way those two love each other gives me hope. Not for me maybe, but just in the fact that that kind of thing can exist, that people in general can be capable of something that good - it gives me hope. It gives me something to look at other than people hurting each other. It's a relationship in which there is FUNCTION and the people don't have to destroy each other, even when they do love each other. That having been said, it was still really hard for me to be there. First, there was the fact that Laura was there and it made me INTENSELY sad to remember how things used to be, and how they absolutely are not anymore. It made me miss having a sister. And watching them get married, I just had to wonder if it'll ever happen for me. A HUGE part of me really doesn't believe it ever will. And though I'll say I never want to get married, it's only partially true. I would love to get married...if I found a guy worth it. If I believed a man like that existed. But I don't. The kind of man I want to marry exists in fantasy novels. And an occasional movie. Not in real life.
And I guess that kinda hits the core of why I'm sad, and why I'm worried that my depression levels are incredibly unhealthy. I was reading a bunch of old stuff on my old computer last night and I found a conversation I had with a friend about various things. Among them were god, and a love and passion for living that I believed religions ignore in lieu of promises for the afterlife. I was so adamant about passion and love and life. I remember being that person. And I got realllllly depressed because I'm not that person anymore. I had a thought and it really scared me. I thought, "I will never be as passionate about anything as I used to be about everything." And I cried.
Other people seem to be able to take the bad things that happen to them and sweep them under some kind of rug or something and just move on and not get cynical. Or they say they're cynical, but they go on able to love with the same depth and capacity. I, on the other hand, so desperately do NOT want to be cynical, and I wake up one day and find that I just can't be the girl I used to be. And it breaks my heart, but I don't know how to undo the shit I've been through. I don't know how to unlearn the lessons life has taught me.
And I feel like something is wrong with me because I CANT just get over it. I feel so weighed down by the tragic things that have happened, and so beaten up - usually by the people I've cared the most about. I don't know how to come out on the other side ok...I don't even think there is "the other side". Maybe this is it - life fucking sucks and people are bound to hurt each other no matter what. It's a shit hand and you play the best you can. You find joy where you can, you take some kind of hope in whatever moments of hope you find in whatever usually brief relationships you can form with people - you make the best of it.
...Maybe that trip to the psych ward isn't such a terrible idea. I'd call it a vacation. Or maybe I'll skip the clinic and just head for the woods. And stay...for a while. Or maybe I'll just duce out and head to Tibet and be a big bald nun. Hot.