Oh lordy, here comes another rant.
I'm doing ok. Most of the time. I focus on me and my one day at a time and what I am doing with my life, what I am wanting to do with my life in the future, and just in general really working on me. ME.
But more often than is fair, this really awful stab just rips through me. And it almost brings me physically to the ground. I think of Alex. And it destroys me. I think about how tragic it is. How much I miss him. I miss how we used to talk, I miss how he understood me, I miss how he looked at me and how we just fit and synced up. I miss him.
Apparently, he's been spending a lot of time with Christa. Her status says that they are dating. His doesn't. I should not care. I should not care. I SHOULD NOT CARE. I mean, so what - she's the most fake ugly girl I've ever seen. Like...its bad. And so what she works at Hooters and has a kid. Apparently, that's a better option than me. Apparently, she has more to offer than I do. I know, I KNOW, it should not reflect on me in my mind...but in a way it does. There is a part of me that is going, "What does she have that I don't? What is it that I can't give him? Why is she BETTER than me??" And it kills me. But I know she's NOT better than me. Not in any way. Alex is just a fucking coward. And he's choosing her cuz she's "easy". Cuz she doesn't challenge him. Because she loves the bullshit fake crap. Because she lets him get away with the easy way out. Because she strokes his little ego where I demand that he actually MAN THE FUCK UP and do something with his worthless life. WHATEVER. I am so angry right now, and I completely should not be. I should be over it. I SHOULD NOT CARE!!! But I do and that pisses me off.
And then I feel bad cuz Jordan keeps wanting to spend the night and stuff. And don't get me wrong, I love his company. I mean, a lot. He is one of the few really good things I've got right now, one of the things that I am holding onto. "Because joy is one's fuel." And he makes me happy. But ya know, most nights I just wanna be alone. I know it sounds emo, but it's true. And Jordan being there sometimes just kinda hurts, in a way that I can't really explain. But I mean, he knows all this - I've told him. It's not like I'm leading him on or whatever. I mean, tonight he's on a dateish thing with another girl. So I mean, I don't think either one of us we wants to be dating again. Sometimes he just makes me miss Alex more. I guess just by virtue of the fact that he's not Alex. Saying that makes me feel and sound like a terrible person. Jordan is in every way better than Alex...and yet I still miss Alex. WTF. I fail.
Also, I've been increasingly frustrated by the fact that I'm STILL IN BRISTOL! FML. I haven't wanted to audition for shows because I feel like that's just admitting that I suck and fail and that I'm going to be here long enough to do a show. But, I'm being forced to be realistic and stop pretending I'm going to get to leave anytime soon. So I'm going to audition for some shows. It's bitter sweet. I'm stoked to be hopefully doing a show again. I'm depressed that I'm admitting that I can't leave Bristol.
I'm trying so so so hard to not be down on myself, to not compare myself to whatever girl Alex has decided he can be with who isn't too threatening (or attractive), to not hate myself for getting stuck (still on a not-permanent basis) in Bristol. But it is really hard not to see all this crap and not want things to be so much better - to not want to MAKE things better. But I seriously do not know what to do. I'm at my wits end with trying to "get over" Alex. I really don't know what to do. My mind knows better. My brain knows I don't want to be with him, that he isn't good enough, that there are better people out there for me and that being with him would be horrible. But my heart doesn't get it, apparently. And I keep getting mad at myself for still being hurt and sad and missing him. It makes me sick that I still miss him. It makes me so angry at myself I can't stand it. I'm better than this. So why is sleeping still so freakin' hard?? Why is he almost always the first and last thing I always think about??
I do not know what to do.
The Bristol thing I'm making peace with. Kind of. I mean...I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'm trying to make the best of a situation that I'm far less than happy about. And I can't beat myself up too bad...but you know I still do. I'm really trying not to though.
I'm going to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow. And even more to do in the next few days. Maybe being busy will leave less time for thinking, and for missing.
But more often than is fair, this really awful stab just rips through me. And it almost brings me physically to the ground. I think of Alex. And it destroys me. I think about how tragic it is. How much I miss him. I miss how we used to talk, I miss how he understood me, I miss how he looked at me and how we just fit and synced up. I miss him.
Apparently, he's been spending a lot of time with Christa. Her status says that they are dating. His doesn't. I should not care. I should not care. I SHOULD NOT CARE. I mean, so what - she's the most fake ugly girl I've ever seen. Like...its bad. And so what she works at Hooters and has a kid. Apparently, that's a better option than me. Apparently, she has more to offer than I do. I know, I KNOW, it should not reflect on me in my mind...but in a way it does. There is a part of me that is going, "What does she have that I don't? What is it that I can't give him? Why is she BETTER than me??" And it kills me. But I know she's NOT better than me. Not in any way. Alex is just a fucking coward. And he's choosing her cuz she's "easy". Cuz she doesn't challenge him. Because she loves the bullshit fake crap. Because she lets him get away with the easy way out. Because she strokes his little ego where I demand that he actually MAN THE FUCK UP and do something with his worthless life. WHATEVER. I am so angry right now, and I completely should not be. I should be over it. I SHOULD NOT CARE!!! But I do and that pisses me off.
And then I feel bad cuz Jordan keeps wanting to spend the night and stuff. And don't get me wrong, I love his company. I mean, a lot. He is one of the few really good things I've got right now, one of the things that I am holding onto. "Because joy is one's fuel." And he makes me happy. But ya know, most nights I just wanna be alone. I know it sounds emo, but it's true. And Jordan being there sometimes just kinda hurts, in a way that I can't really explain. But I mean, he knows all this - I've told him. It's not like I'm leading him on or whatever. I mean, tonight he's on a dateish thing with another girl. So I mean, I don't think either one of us we wants to be dating again. Sometimes he just makes me miss Alex more. I guess just by virtue of the fact that he's not Alex. Saying that makes me feel and sound like a terrible person. Jordan is in every way better than Alex...and yet I still miss Alex. WTF. I fail.
Also, I've been increasingly frustrated by the fact that I'm STILL IN BRISTOL! FML. I haven't wanted to audition for shows because I feel like that's just admitting that I suck and fail and that I'm going to be here long enough to do a show. But, I'm being forced to be realistic and stop pretending I'm going to get to leave anytime soon. So I'm going to audition for some shows. It's bitter sweet. I'm stoked to be hopefully doing a show again. I'm depressed that I'm admitting that I can't leave Bristol.
I'm trying so so so hard to not be down on myself, to not compare myself to whatever girl Alex has decided he can be with who isn't too threatening (or attractive), to not hate myself for getting stuck (still on a not-permanent basis) in Bristol. But it is really hard not to see all this crap and not want things to be so much better - to not want to MAKE things better. But I seriously do not know what to do. I'm at my wits end with trying to "get over" Alex. I really don't know what to do. My mind knows better. My brain knows I don't want to be with him, that he isn't good enough, that there are better people out there for me and that being with him would be horrible. But my heart doesn't get it, apparently. And I keep getting mad at myself for still being hurt and sad and missing him. It makes me sick that I still miss him. It makes me so angry at myself I can't stand it. I'm better than this. So why is sleeping still so freakin' hard?? Why is he almost always the first and last thing I always think about??
I do not know what to do.
The Bristol thing I'm making peace with. Kind of. I mean...I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'm trying to make the best of a situation that I'm far less than happy about. And I can't beat myself up too bad...but you know I still do. I'm really trying not to though.
I'm going to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow. And even more to do in the next few days. Maybe being busy will leave less time for thinking, and for missing.