So
Once again I have not posted in...forever.
It's cuz I really have nothing to post about - and more importantly, nothing to complain about.
The other night I had a mite of a scare when Alex friend requested me. But, after careful consideration and much advise from Brandon and Steph at Perkins, I decided that while I never would want him in my life or anything, it might be nice if I could stop being sad when I think about him. So, with the energy of, "here's hoping for a bit of closure, but for the love of all things holy, let the boy NOT be back in my life ever ever again" I sent him a message, expecting perhaps a convo, maybe a meeting, at the most. But I was still mind-heavy. I felt like a drug addict who had been sober for a year, then someone just put that drug right in my hand and said, "You know you wanna!" and I was going back and forth between, "FUCKING HELL NO" and "let me just smell it, but not actually do any of it." So I literally sent him a message that said, "I never expected to see you at my door ever again. I am...confused. What? Why? And other questions hard to formulate." and figured the rest was up to him. He sent me one back that said, "Oh sorry, Friend Finder automatically added you. But anyway, I hope all is well with you." My brain went, "....really?" Cuz I've done friend finder, and you have to literally check a box next to each name you want to add. But I dunno...I don't wanna call him a liar...per say...but we all know he isn't dripping with honesty. So I sent him one back that said, "Yeah, I didn't expect you had changed THAT much. I am doing VERY well. Better than I have in years. I hope you are creating the life you deserve" cuz I couldn't say anything else and feel like I was being honest.
And that was that.
And I haven't thought about it really all day. I guess my feelings on it are: I don't think I was wrong to think that if I could change the feelings attached to his memories - if I could be something other than sad, that would be good. If I could maybe believe that he was out there, that he still had a chance in the world to do some good, to BE something good - that would make me feel about 4903442 times better. It would have no effect on US as an US, because I am forever glad THAT is over. And the amount of panic I felt at the thought of him trying to be in my life again, and the actual relief I felt when I saw that it was a 'mistake' (lie or not) was a SURE sign that I never wanna go back to the way things were. But, like I said, if I could think of him and not think, "Once I loved a man. And then he sold his soul. Now he is dead." If I could instead think, "Once I loved a man. And he was lost. But he is out there and I have hope for him still."...that would be nice. But, oh well. I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter. He isn't in my life, either way. It just...would have been nice, to think of him as something other than a tragic loss. Or as Garrett puts it, my antithesis. A man who choose to stand for everything I do not. No such luck.
In other news, I start stage managing - a paid theatre gig - in a couple weeks for Willy Wonka. After that, I start teaching classes. HOLY FUCK YES. Also a paying gig! And then after that, I get to direct School House Rock the Jr Musical. ALSO A PAYING GIG! I could...scream. It makes me feel at least a little vindication. That all my time here, all my work and effort, mostly on just being ME again, just being happy and sane - it hasn't all been for nothing. I feel like I'm crossing that boundary of doing theatre for fun, and doing it for my career. I mean, when I move, I'll have to do it all over again. But I don't mind.
But...it doesn't pay much. It's ok though, cuz I FINALLY got a job. After months and months (ok I'm exaggerating. Only a little over 2) I am a cashier at Food City. But hey, it is, in my mind, a supplemental job. And I'm still keeping my eye out for other jobs. Maybe working with kids again somewhere...although I'll be doing that a LOT lot at the theatre, so that might be child overload. What's important to me right now is that I keep doing theatre stuff, and manage to pay my bills. After that, it's gravy as far as I'm concerned.
Garrett and I have been dating a little over 9 months, and I am, I think, happier about it every day. He is a really amazing man. And I feel so lucky to have him in my life. It's scary, but in a really good way. I bought us magnetic hematite rings for our anniversary. It was kinda an inside thing. We both think magnets are fascinating, because we are nerds. And hematite because one of the most important things he has taught me is how to fight to be positive. I had gotten so used to being depressed and unhappy, I was literally uncomfortable finding myself so happy all the time. But taking negative energy and turning it into positive energy is what hematite does. And it used to be a big deal to me, years and misty years ago. And it's something that I can once again say, with all honestly, is a big part of who I am again. HURRAY! So it's a big reminder of Us. Not just because it is there, but because of what it is, and how it reflects us. Every time I look at it, it makes me smile.
And that's about all there is going on in my life! I hear it echoing in the dead space of Livejournal. *hello....hello...hello*
It's cuz I really have nothing to post about - and more importantly, nothing to complain about.
The other night I had a mite of a scare when Alex friend requested me. But, after careful consideration and much advise from Brandon and Steph at Perkins, I decided that while I never would want him in my life or anything, it might be nice if I could stop being sad when I think about him. So, with the energy of, "here's hoping for a bit of closure, but for the love of all things holy, let the boy NOT be back in my life ever ever again" I sent him a message, expecting perhaps a convo, maybe a meeting, at the most. But I was still mind-heavy. I felt like a drug addict who had been sober for a year, then someone just put that drug right in my hand and said, "You know you wanna!" and I was going back and forth between, "FUCKING HELL NO" and "let me just smell it, but not actually do any of it." So I literally sent him a message that said, "I never expected to see you at my door ever again. I am...confused. What? Why? And other questions hard to formulate." and figured the rest was up to him. He sent me one back that said, "Oh sorry, Friend Finder automatically added you. But anyway, I hope all is well with you." My brain went, "....really?" Cuz I've done friend finder, and you have to literally check a box next to each name you want to add. But I dunno...I don't wanna call him a liar...per say...but we all know he isn't dripping with honesty. So I sent him one back that said, "Yeah, I didn't expect you had changed THAT much. I am doing VERY well. Better than I have in years. I hope you are creating the life you deserve" cuz I couldn't say anything else and feel like I was being honest.
And that was that.
And I haven't thought about it really all day. I guess my feelings on it are: I don't think I was wrong to think that if I could change the feelings attached to his memories - if I could be something other than sad, that would be good. If I could maybe believe that he was out there, that he still had a chance in the world to do some good, to BE something good - that would make me feel about 4903442 times better. It would have no effect on US as an US, because I am forever glad THAT is over. And the amount of panic I felt at the thought of him trying to be in my life again, and the actual relief I felt when I saw that it was a 'mistake' (lie or not) was a SURE sign that I never wanna go back to the way things were. But, like I said, if I could think of him and not think, "Once I loved a man. And then he sold his soul. Now he is dead." If I could instead think, "Once I loved a man. And he was lost. But he is out there and I have hope for him still."...that would be nice. But, oh well. I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter. He isn't in my life, either way. It just...would have been nice, to think of him as something other than a tragic loss. Or as Garrett puts it, my antithesis. A man who choose to stand for everything I do not. No such luck.
In other news, I start stage managing - a paid theatre gig - in a couple weeks for Willy Wonka. After that, I start teaching classes. HOLY FUCK YES. Also a paying gig! And then after that, I get to direct School House Rock the Jr Musical. ALSO A PAYING GIG! I could...scream. It makes me feel at least a little vindication. That all my time here, all my work and effort, mostly on just being ME again, just being happy and sane - it hasn't all been for nothing. I feel like I'm crossing that boundary of doing theatre for fun, and doing it for my career. I mean, when I move, I'll have to do it all over again. But I don't mind.
But...it doesn't pay much. It's ok though, cuz I FINALLY got a job. After months and months (ok I'm exaggerating. Only a little over 2) I am a cashier at Food City. But hey, it is, in my mind, a supplemental job. And I'm still keeping my eye out for other jobs. Maybe working with kids again somewhere...although I'll be doing that a LOT lot at the theatre, so that might be child overload. What's important to me right now is that I keep doing theatre stuff, and manage to pay my bills. After that, it's gravy as far as I'm concerned.
Garrett and I have been dating a little over 9 months, and I am, I think, happier about it every day. He is a really amazing man. And I feel so lucky to have him in my life. It's scary, but in a really good way. I bought us magnetic hematite rings for our anniversary. It was kinda an inside thing. We both think magnets are fascinating, because we are nerds. And hematite because one of the most important things he has taught me is how to fight to be positive. I had gotten so used to being depressed and unhappy, I was literally uncomfortable finding myself so happy all the time. But taking negative energy and turning it into positive energy is what hematite does. And it used to be a big deal to me, years and misty years ago. And it's something that I can once again say, with all honestly, is a big part of who I am again. HURRAY! So it's a big reminder of Us. Not just because it is there, but because of what it is, and how it reflects us. Every time I look at it, it makes me smile.
And that's about all there is going on in my life! I hear it echoing in the dead space of Livejournal. *hello....hello...hello*