Full circle.
I wrote this last night, but the internet ate it. And then today it regurgitated it. So, here it is for all to enjoy!
Mike, I wanted to call you so bad.
It was not that long ago that I sat crying, wine-drunk crying, for a couple hours about how I didn't think I could survive without my soul mate. I can very vividly remember how I felt and what I was thinking and how hopeless it seemed. And now, now that everything has changed, I feel rather distant and removed from feeling that way, even though I remember it so vividly - if that makes sense. And tonight, while at the bar, I sat and talked with a new friend about how he is in love what he believes is his soul mate, but the boy is afraid to love him back. And I watched this boy say all the things I said, just weeks ago, and I felt like, "Wow...did I sound like that?" Yah...I did. I tried so hard to tell him all the things I had figured out, in a relatively short amount of time, and there was no way to tell him. There were no words. I just kind of was like, "You'll figure it out. It'll feel like cutting off your arm, and then one day you'll wake up and realize you were free all along, you just didn't know it. And then everything will change." and he was looking at me like I know I looked at Mike. Like, "You're a fool, you don't understand. I'm here cutting off my arm, and you're telling me it's not what I know it is." And I just was at a complete loss. Having been where he is, not that long ago, I was having trouble not completely feeling for him, but also being amazed at how much I am relieved to feel so liberated. Also there was the frustration of not being able to make him see that he could get there, and indeed would. That the dawn at the end of the long night not only exists, but is easier and more awesome than you think is possible when you're in that dark lonely hour. That phrase "it's always darkest right before the dawn" is totally true. But they leave out how once you get to the dawn part, you're like, "Well fuck, why did I spend that time in the dark??"
Also, I made out with Garrett tonight after beating him at two rounds of darts. I...I really like him. And so does Jared, which makes me feel pretty awesome. Jared doesn't like any of the guys I've ever liked. I'm not sure what to do about this situation. I am only just recently free of this chain of a person that has dragged me down for years. I am not at all interested in giving up that freedom. But...I do really like this guy! So...I'm confused.
It has been a great night.
A weird night. And Jordan's texts nearly killed it. Because I thought he nearly killed himself. (Steph thinks he does it on purpose cuz he knows that my concern for him will guilt me into keeping him in my life. Who knows, really. I think that might be true, but I also think it's a subconscious thing on Jordan's part.) But I don't know. I don't know what to think with him. I still care about him a LOT. He is such a good guy. And so talented. And I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for all the support and love he gave to me. So, now what? How do I help him, while still making sure I am my own first priority and that I am not just obligated to him? I don't know what the right thing to do is.
But overall...tonight was a huge win for me, I believe.
Just, a full circle moment where I stepped back and saw the big picture and the cycle. That where I was a couple weeks ago is not AT ALL where I am now, and now I can be where Mike was then and help someone who is where I was then....that was a convoluted sentence. And then the guy I help will help someone else, thus completing his own cycle of growth and helping someone else start theirs. Uhm, it was a pretty epic moment. One of the ones where there was this intense feeling of connectedness and clarity. I felt somehow larger than myself, like I saw things in a different intensity. And I felt like I never ever need to drugs because my mind would have been blown. If this is how I think normal...man I really don't need help being esoteric!!
Mike, I wanted to call you so bad.
It was not that long ago that I sat crying, wine-drunk crying, for a couple hours about how I didn't think I could survive without my soul mate. I can very vividly remember how I felt and what I was thinking and how hopeless it seemed. And now, now that everything has changed, I feel rather distant and removed from feeling that way, even though I remember it so vividly - if that makes sense. And tonight, while at the bar, I sat and talked with a new friend about how he is in love what he believes is his soul mate, but the boy is afraid to love him back. And I watched this boy say all the things I said, just weeks ago, and I felt like, "Wow...did I sound like that?" Yah...I did. I tried so hard to tell him all the things I had figured out, in a relatively short amount of time, and there was no way to tell him. There were no words. I just kind of was like, "You'll figure it out. It'll feel like cutting off your arm, and then one day you'll wake up and realize you were free all along, you just didn't know it. And then everything will change." and he was looking at me like I know I looked at Mike. Like, "You're a fool, you don't understand. I'm here cutting off my arm, and you're telling me it's not what I know it is." And I just was at a complete loss. Having been where he is, not that long ago, I was having trouble not completely feeling for him, but also being amazed at how much I am relieved to feel so liberated. Also there was the frustration of not being able to make him see that he could get there, and indeed would. That the dawn at the end of the long night not only exists, but is easier and more awesome than you think is possible when you're in that dark lonely hour. That phrase "it's always darkest right before the dawn" is totally true. But they leave out how once you get to the dawn part, you're like, "Well fuck, why did I spend that time in the dark??"
Also, I made out with Garrett tonight after beating him at two rounds of darts. I...I really like him. And so does Jared, which makes me feel pretty awesome. Jared doesn't like any of the guys I've ever liked. I'm not sure what to do about this situation. I am only just recently free of this chain of a person that has dragged me down for years. I am not at all interested in giving up that freedom. But...I do really like this guy! So...I'm confused.
It has been a great night.
A weird night. And Jordan's texts nearly killed it. Because I thought he nearly killed himself. (Steph thinks he does it on purpose cuz he knows that my concern for him will guilt me into keeping him in my life. Who knows, really. I think that might be true, but I also think it's a subconscious thing on Jordan's part.) But I don't know. I don't know what to think with him. I still care about him a LOT. He is such a good guy. And so talented. And I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for all the support and love he gave to me. So, now what? How do I help him, while still making sure I am my own first priority and that I am not just obligated to him? I don't know what the right thing to do is.
But overall...tonight was a huge win for me, I believe.
Just, a full circle moment where I stepped back and saw the big picture and the cycle. That where I was a couple weeks ago is not AT ALL where I am now, and now I can be where Mike was then and help someone who is where I was then....that was a convoluted sentence. And then the guy I help will help someone else, thus completing his own cycle of growth and helping someone else start theirs. Uhm, it was a pretty epic moment. One of the ones where there was this intense feeling of connectedness and clarity. I felt somehow larger than myself, like I saw things in a different intensity. And I felt like I never ever need to drugs because my mind would have been blown. If this is how I think normal...man I really don't need help being esoteric!!