Mending Bridges
I don't want to be the girl that treats life like a poker game. I don't want to hold my emotions, my truths, to my chest. I want to show the world. I want to shine out! But that is easier said than done. My default for years was not only hold it in, but growl and hiss at anyone who got too close. Then, after that, it was less aggressive, but no less secretive. I've always been able to rationalize it away as learned cynicism. I've always been able to say, "Well...I just know better now!" But I'm not sure that's a valid excuse. Also, I've relied pretty heavily on my sense of pride. I've been able to say, "Well...they don't deserve to see my cards" which I'm pretty sure doesn't do me any favors in the long run either.
I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be lonely. I want to be authentic, I want to be honest, I want to calmly open my hands and without fear or shame show myself to the world. I want to be a better, more graceful person.
I mended a bridge with Laura. It feels amazing. Scary, probably, because I'm not used to giving second chances to people. But, I missed her wedding. I blame myself for that. My pride, my sense of justice, my need to be right - it kept me from being somewhere I should have been. I also told Troy I loved him. A weight fell off of me. Instead of pretending I don't, instead of waiting to see where he is, I just threw myself out there. And I did it not so I could get an answer or response from him, but just so that I could get to be authentic and vulnerable and real and honest. I wanted to show my cards, because they're good cards. I like these cards. I have no reason to hide them. Wouldn't it be neat if everyone did that, if everyone felt like they had nothing to hide, no reason to have to play poker with their lives?
I want to keep doing this. I want to keep checking my pride and anger and fear. I want to keep meditating on peace, on compassion, on forgiveness. I want to show my cards, to everyone. I want to know that I'm being as authentic in every moment as possible. I don't want to wonder what if and I don't want to walk away from moments knowing that I held back.
I love that my default has changed. I remember the days when my default was depression, when it was so hard to get out of bed every day that I needed a pep talk from myself. I remember when my default was anger, and everything felt righteous and indignant and I called it passion. I remember when my default was cynicism and I called it justified, I called myself wounded. I remember when my default was chaos and drama and I called it excitement and adventure, I saw it as proving myself against the worst that I could find.
Now, my default is joy and thankfulness. I wake up every single day glad. Glad I live in a city I love. Glad I'm surrounded by amazing friends (who for some reason put up with me when my defaults were pretty crappy). Glad to have supportive family. Glad I have a drive and get to do work that I'm proud of. Glad I'm getting to learn more every single day about how to structure my compassion and drive to help people. So so so glad I feel healthy and strong and HAPPY!! I have sad days, lonely days, tired days, angry days - but they're brief moments on a completely new default setting.
I'm still the same me. Just getting closer to the actualized potential version of me that I can truly be proud of and truly feel is authentic. And a HUGE part of that is working on this whole new idea of not hiding behind pride and fear and calling it justified.
Remember, Samantha - remember that you missed out on Laura's wedding because of your pride. Remember that you missed out on telling Quintin how he saved you because you didn't think you were worthy. Remember that you waited almost 2 years to tell Troy how important he was because you were afraid. Remember how much you LOSE when you hold back. You gain nothing, even if you think it's safer. DO NOT FORGET!
I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be lonely. I want to be authentic, I want to be honest, I want to calmly open my hands and without fear or shame show myself to the world. I want to be a better, more graceful person.
I mended a bridge with Laura. It feels amazing. Scary, probably, because I'm not used to giving second chances to people. But, I missed her wedding. I blame myself for that. My pride, my sense of justice, my need to be right - it kept me from being somewhere I should have been. I also told Troy I loved him. A weight fell off of me. Instead of pretending I don't, instead of waiting to see where he is, I just threw myself out there. And I did it not so I could get an answer or response from him, but just so that I could get to be authentic and vulnerable and real and honest. I wanted to show my cards, because they're good cards. I like these cards. I have no reason to hide them. Wouldn't it be neat if everyone did that, if everyone felt like they had nothing to hide, no reason to have to play poker with their lives?
I want to keep doing this. I want to keep checking my pride and anger and fear. I want to keep meditating on peace, on compassion, on forgiveness. I want to show my cards, to everyone. I want to know that I'm being as authentic in every moment as possible. I don't want to wonder what if and I don't want to walk away from moments knowing that I held back.
I love that my default has changed. I remember the days when my default was depression, when it was so hard to get out of bed every day that I needed a pep talk from myself. I remember when my default was anger, and everything felt righteous and indignant and I called it passion. I remember when my default was cynicism and I called it justified, I called myself wounded. I remember when my default was chaos and drama and I called it excitement and adventure, I saw it as proving myself against the worst that I could find.
Now, my default is joy and thankfulness. I wake up every single day glad. Glad I live in a city I love. Glad I'm surrounded by amazing friends (who for some reason put up with me when my defaults were pretty crappy). Glad to have supportive family. Glad I have a drive and get to do work that I'm proud of. Glad I'm getting to learn more every single day about how to structure my compassion and drive to help people. So so so glad I feel healthy and strong and HAPPY!! I have sad days, lonely days, tired days, angry days - but they're brief moments on a completely new default setting.
I'm still the same me. Just getting closer to the actualized potential version of me that I can truly be proud of and truly feel is authentic. And a HUGE part of that is working on this whole new idea of not hiding behind pride and fear and calling it justified.
Remember, Samantha - remember that you missed out on Laura's wedding because of your pride. Remember that you missed out on telling Quintin how he saved you because you didn't think you were worthy. Remember that you waited almost 2 years to tell Troy how important he was because you were afraid. Remember how much you LOSE when you hold back. You gain nothing, even if you think it's safer. DO NOT FORGET!