NaNo Ridiculousness Chapter 8
Hey there,
Here's Chapter 8 of "I Prefer the Mind Control." I'm trying to make actual chapters now. Enjoy the ridiculousness!
Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5(ish), Chapter 6, Chapter 7
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“This Palace of yours is the size of a small city,” I remarked. “It's fucking huge, and I am utterly lost.”
“That's why you have me,” Xan said. “I won't let you get lost, barring unfortunate sculptural mishaps.”
I laughed at that. “Well, at least we got out of that particular mess okay. Though I'm starting to doubt if any of the walls in this place are actually solid.”
Xan laughed. “Most of them are supposed to be solid, but I'm starting to have my doubts as well.”
“At least I didn't fall on top of an unstable nuclear warhead or something, especially with Jirrins' doomsday weapon theory. I could have been exploded. And that would have been bad. And messy.”
He actually shuddered. “Don't even say such things.”
“I was just joking.”
“I know you were, but it's not funny, not to me. The thought that you might die, especially when you've already come so close...” His voice betrayed actual worry.
“Theoretical explosions can't hurt me. Besides, I'm pretty sure Firi is going to make sure the local security people proof the walls against plot-relevant accidental break-ins,” I said.
That confused Xan. “Plot-relevant?”
Whoops, I forgot he had no idea that there was such a thing as the fourth wall. Was that a secret I could keep from him? I know I'm fictional, but would Xan have a breakdown if he learned he was? I didn't like when he kept secrets from me, and thus I didn't like keeping secrets from him. Shit, being aware of the fourth wall causes extra drama. I fucking hate drama. Damn you.
Maybe he was constitutionally incapable of realizing he was fictional and thus it wasn't some terrible secret I had to keep? Let's go with that. Less fucking drama that way.
“Never mind. Must have been a hiccup in the translator chip.” Hopefully, that explanation would do. Hopefully.
“Alright. We're almost there.”
That was good. Like I said, I could use the rest. When we arrived at the door to Xan's apartment, I noticed it was much like the door to his apartment back on planet Earth. Yup, he had to enter a code and do a retina scan.
He said, “I had to tell the door I have a guest. Soon, I'll have to have it programmed to accept you as a fellow resident. I expect you'll be staying awhile.”
“I hope I will and not just because your psycho brother will try to kill me legally if I were on Earth.” Oh shit, I hoped that would freak Xan out, talking about fucking assassination attempts and all.
Xan sighed. “Let's not think too much on my brother.”
We entered his apartment, which boggled my mind even more than his earthly apartment. It definitely said “royalty lives here, no peasants allowed.” Not that I was a peasant anymore, only I couldn't help still feeling like a peasant. You grow up basically normal, and that kind of conditioning is hard to shake.
Like his other apartment, this one featured a wall-sized TV screen in the entertainment area, only it was even bigger than the old one. Like “size of a small planet” big. I know, I know, it wasn't actually planet-sized, but, um, it felt fucking planet-sized, okay?
Not only that, but there were an “entertainment center” and a “general purpose lounge” sans planet-screen.
The kitchen was its own marvel of “too confusing for my puny human brain” technology, with plenty of shiny gizmos that looked like they might in theory be able to feed me. Hopefully there weren't any portals to elsewhere in this refrigerator. I would like to be able to decide for myself when I disappeared through the fucking wall. My choice would be to not do that again because, um, yeah. That hadn't been pretty, even if I did learn an important secret.
Xan said, “Your clothes have already been brought to our room.”
I guess in the drama that ensued after leaving Berri's shop, someone had time to worry about more mundane logistical stuff?
He pulled me close again, after having separated to get into the apartment. He told me, “This isn't exactly the introduction to Zimara I would have planned, so I'm sorry.”
I smiled. “No need to apologize, Xan. I mean, we're all happy and safe and healthy and stuff, yeah?”
“We are, though it was a rather close call.”
I said, “Maybe so, but it was the kind of close call where I got to have hot sex, which you obviously enjoyed watching.”
“That I did. It seems I didn't need to worry about pushing you so much, did I?”
“You worry too much.” Xan really did worry too much.
“It's only natural to worry about the people whom you care about, though, isn't it?” he asked.
I said, “Sure it's natural, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm doing fine. Better than fine, honestly. This has been the best, like, vacation in the history of ever.”
Seriously, it had. I know, I know, I should have been having an epic freakout over being on an alien planet where at least one of the inhabitants had tried to kill me. I should be wanting to go home. That's how the standard heroic arc goes, right? The whole Refusal of the Call thing, yeah? Most heroes are fucking contractually obligated to angst about their new positions. You may be the author, but I can't fucking do that. Besides, don't angsting heroes get kind of old after a while? Not that I'm exactly the hero, per se. It's not like I have to fight off an alien invasion or anything. Oh shit, does saying that mean there will be an alien invasion? Fuck.
Perhaps I'll lose it when I realize what's happened to me, but I fucking like it here, okay? It's fun to be the love interest, especially when that means I get to have lots of hot sex. Because I don't feel like I'm the standard hero of this story, not like you would actually tell me if I were the hero or not. I don't know the genre and I don't know my role. It's common enough for fourth-wall-aware folks such as myself to guess their roles wrong, isn't it? For all I know, I could be the bad guy and not realize it. That would suck.
You know what else sucks? Temporal confusion. I never know what tense to use, for some reason speaking in the present tense now yet speaking in the past when I'm narrating. You might want to fix that shit in the editing process.
Xan smiled. “You are happy, aren't you? I'm sorry, it's just...remarkable, really.”
Huh? I looked at him in confusion. Was happiness really a remarkable emotion? I didn't think so because, well, it seemed perfectly natural and normal for me to be happy. I meant, seriously, I had the most ridiculously hot boyfriend, like, ever. And I got to stay on a planet of implausibly gorgeous humanoids who seemed to think I was implausibly gorgeous. How many guys are lucky enough to get a trip to Planet Mary Sue? Seriously. While maybe, just maybe, I was a fucking Sue myself, Zimara was still Planet Mary Sue to me. So, happiness? Perfectly fucking reasonable.
I said, “What's so weird about being happy?”
“Being happy isn't weird, but it is weird that you're so cheerful considering everything that's happened.”
Huh? I didn't get that, exactly. “What do you mean, Xan?”
“You are kind of far from home,” he said.
“Light years, right? I'm cool with that.” I was, too.
“And, well, it's not like Zimara is exactly like Earth.”
“No, it's not. People here are way hotter.” They were.
He let go of me. “That isn't what I meant. I mean, people here are - are different.”
“Well, obviously.” I paused. “You mean all the sex stuff, don't you? Like, you think it's weird that I don't mind your, ahem, unusual customs.”
“That is what I meant.”
“So, since I'm human, you're kinda freaked out that I haven't minded what you've had me do?” I looked at him, wondering if my assessment were correct.
He nodded. “Most humans wouldn't be okay with being...shared.”
“I'm a special snowflake. Okay, fine, I'm not a snowflake or that special, particularly, but I suppose I am unusual in that I don't mind. It's fun. Seriously. You don't need to feel guilty or anything, and judging by that face you're making, you do feel kinda bad about it.”
“I - I don't feel guilty, not exactly. Just...surprised. And you are special. I wouldn't want you if you weren't. But it is...unexpected that you would take so well to being here and would adjust so well to our customs,” he said.
“I'm full of surprises, but I don't, you know, feel all that remarkable or anything. Really. I just feel like an average dude.”
Xan started laughing. “Average? Hardly! You're anything but.”
“What's so funny? There's no need to laugh.”
“It's funny you keep insisting on how normal you are when it's obvious you're not,” he explained.
“Well, I feel normal.” I did; it was true.
He gave me a strangely intense look. “Feelings aren't facts, you know.”
“I'm aware of that, but, back on Earth, I wasn't exactly Mr. Awesome at Everything.” That was for sure! Take, for example, my stupid French class I was surely going to fail. That thing? Sucked, a lot.
“Nobody is awesome at everything.” He still gave me that look, as if he were trying to scan my soul right now. I didn't really get it.
“Well, no...”
“If I worry too much, you do,too. There's no need to worry about being 'awesome at everything' or anything like that. You're fine. Better than fine.” He lightly brushed my cheek while smiling at me warmly. His eyes still tried to burn into my soul, and I did believe him, then.
It was just hard to think, to warp my mind around how lucky I was, how happy I was to have the chance to fucking be here.
I whispered, “I'm just really fucking lucky, man.”
“So am I.”
Xan kissed me, then, hugging me close while his lips explored mine. I hugged him back, embracing him tightly as I let myself enjoy his warmth and his sweet taste. Damn, he felt good. I would say “too good to be true,” but it wasn't too good to be true. Finally, I actually believed that. I relaxed into the kiss and opened my lips when Xan pressed his tongue forward. Sighing with pleasure, I played my tongue against his.
He broke the kiss, smiling at me with such warmth, I kind of totally melted. I didn't let go of him, and he didn't let go of me. Did he want more right now? As much as I needed rest, I wouldn't exactly mind if he did.
Xan said, “That's probably enough for now. After all, you do need to rest, but I wanted to show you just how lucky I am to have someone as amazing as you.”
I had nothing to say to that, so I just stood there with my mouth ever so slightly open. Not that a kiss was so surprising, but...I don't know how to explain it, exactly. It was just nice to hear Xan say something like that. Nice enough that my brain temporarily overloaded. Sure, I was perfectly happy to stay here, but I was still fucking tired, you know and, yeah, as I may have said, a brain could only take so much. And it was still just a bit hard to fully understand, to fully feel how much someone like Xan actually wanted me.
And thus I let Xan take me by the hand into his, wait a second, our room. He smiled at me yet again, making my heart flutter. When we entered the room, he gave me a quick kiss. Damn, did I love his kisses.
He traced a finger down my chest. “I don't think you need those clothes for sleeping, do you? After all, this is our private space.”
Our space? That would take some getting used to. Seriously. You know like how you have an awesome dream about owning a roller coaster factory or something and wake up to find that not only do you not own a roller coaster factory but are in fact too short to ride the coolest coasters? I felt like that with Xan, like I would fucking wake up back on Earth where I really kind of sucked at life if my grades were any indication. And I wasn't fucking stupid, either. I just...sucked at life. Sure, I had friends or whatever, but yeah, I think I would rather not get into my life on Earth at the moment, okay? It wasn't shiny rainbow sparkles on top of everlasting ice cream. And that's all you're going to get out of me for now, so stop asking. I don't fucking care that you're the author.
Sorry, I'm not very nice to you, am I? Just...don't ask about my past, okay?
Just as I was about to start taking off my clothes per Xan's request, something in the room beeped. A viewscreen whatsit in Xan's room flickered on. My eyes widened enough that my eyeballs nearly fell out of my fucking head. Holy hell, there was no way.
Upon the screen flashed a message that said “Message from York the Spork. Do you accept?”
Xan stared at the screen in utter bewilderment. Evidently such messages weren't normal. Obviously they weren't because...just holy fucking hell.
“It's Preston!” I shouted.
He turned to me. “Preston? Your roommate? How - how? And York the Spork? What does that even mean?”
“I have no fucking clue how he did it. And York the Spork is Preston's internet identity name thingie. Accept the message.”
Xan pressed something and Preston's face appeared. He looked both anxious, happy to see me and extremely pleased with himself.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.” Preston repeated himself as he bounced up at down, waving his arms, and getting more and more frantic. What the fuck was going on?
I said, “Stop flaling and use actual sentences!”
That kind of calmed him down.
“Oh my god, you're alive!” he shrieked.
Kind of. At least there was only one “oh my god” that time.
“That's closer to an actual sentence, but why don't you try using words to impart information rather than stating the obvious?” I wanted to know how the fuck Preston even got through, you know, royal security.
Xan finally found his voice. “Preston? If you don't mind my asking, just how did you manage this call?”
My former roommate tried to put on a mysterious voice, but he spoiled the effect by continuing to bounce and generally looking anxious and freaked out. “I have my ways,” he told us.
“That is not exactly specific or informative,” Xan said. “My friend Jirrin told me there was already a block on communication between Earth and Zimara. I haven't had time myself to follow up on that, but you shouldn't have been able to make this call.”
Preston sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I know, Prince Xan. That's why I had to use my, ahem, special skills to get through. I'm lucky I did. I don't know what you guys know, but Earth is freaking the fuck out.”
That wasn't good. With much trepidation, I asked, “Freaking out how, Preston?”
“As in emergency meetings at the Coalition of Earth Nations building in Central City. As in 'nations that hate each other banding together over your abduction' kind of freaking out. As in COEN blocked communications between Earth and Zimara over you.”
My heart stopped. Wait, wait? “I wasn't fucking abducted!”
Xan looked both surprised and outraged. He hugged me, like he were afraid the news might physically leap through the vidscreen and harm me. Considering how wild the news was, I wouldn't be surprised if it did take physical form and attack. A fucking communications block? Over a random college student like me? Over fucking me? Seriously? Damn fuck.
My former roommate appeared oddly defeated. “I know, Dylan, I know. I saw how you and Xan were. I see how you are now, and I know you wanted to go to Zimara and...oh my god you're a cyborg, aren't you? What, how?”
“I'll tell you later, but first I need to know about this communications block. What's going on, Preston?” Painful worry started to eat at my stomach.
Xan asked, “Yes, what is going on down on Earth?”
Preston said, “President Georgia Bradley's head is constantly five seconds from exploding, for one. I'm surprised she still has her head, not that she ever actually uses it.”
Despite the tense as fuck situation, I had to laugh.
My former roommate continued, “It's not funny, Dylan. A President with a nearly-exploded head is a dangerous thing.”
“I know, I know. How are the rest of the COEN people reacting?” Did I actually want to know?
Preston sighed. “Leader Elena Terzi agreed to invoke the Important Person Retrieval Agreement.”
Shit, damn, fuck, shit, oh fucking shit.
The Important Person Retrieval Agreement, or IPRA, was part of a treaty signed between Earth and Zimara that said Earth and the Coalition of Earth Nations had a right to demand back any “important persons” who were on Zimara for whatever reason, even if the Zimarans, or the persons themselves, didn't actually want to return. I had no fucking clue why such a thing existed, but it did. And the Earth people were invoking it over me. Fucking me, an average college student who was not an Important Person at all. Certainly, I wasn't important enough to be, like, fucking reverse abducted.
“And how soon would this agreement go into effect?” Xan did not look fucking happy.
“I have no idea,” Preston said. “No clue, but I think it will be sooner rather than later.”
None of this made fucking sense. “What's with all the goddamn hysteria over me? Seriously? I'm just an average guy; why does it fucking matter which planet I happen to be on at the moment?”
“Because politicians are children,” Xan explained.
Huh?
He continued, “From what I know, Earth and Zimara haven't exactly been getting along. It took a lot of convincing for me to even be allowed to spend time on Earth. You're like a toy Earth wants simply because they don't have it anymore.”
I rolled my eyes. “That's so fucking stupid, they haven't invented a Stupid-o-Meter powerful enough to accurately measure how stupid that is.”
Preston pressed his palm to his forehead. “Just because something is stupid, doesn't mean it's not happening. This is happening, and unless you come up with some miraculous solution, they'll take you back to Earth.”
“Even if I'm likely to be killed in that event? Fucking seriously? Can't we just tell the Earth people that it's lethal for me to return to my home planet?” Surely that would be a reasonable solution?
“Doubt it,” Preston said. “I heard on the news that they might want to put you in 'protective custody' which I'm sure you know is fancy-speak for jail. Bradley called you a 'traitor to the species' at least once.”
I could feel Xan's anger and outrage. For that matter, I was full of my own fucking anger and outrage. I wasn't a damn traitor. Sure, relations between the planets might have been more than a little contentious, but...traitor? Um, no.
I asked, “So you're saying that unless I come up with some amazing solution that solves everything, I will be forcibly returned to Earth either because I'm a fucking traitor or because Earth doesn't like Zimara stealing their toys?”
“Pretty much, Dylan. You need one fancy loophole to get yourself out of this mess,” Preston said.
Loopholes? I didn't even know much about the Zimaran legal system, or even much about how to get around the human legal system. But I would not let myself get fucking arrested, that was for sure.
Suddenly the screen started flickering, causing disruption in Preston's image.
“Oh shit!” he hissed. “Something's interfering with my signal.”
That was, to put in mildly, inconvenient
“I gotta go, guys,” Preston said. “You better figure something out, though. I don't wanna see my friend arrested.”
His image fizzled out, leaving the screen dark. What an annoying abrupt end to the conversation.
“Fuck!” I exclaimed.
“Indeed,” Xan said. “Such a sudden departure seems rather suspicious.”
“How much of what he said is really true, do you think?” Maybe it was all rumors and lies and stuff? Please, it needed to be rumors and lies and stuff. Fucking please.
“I don't know, but it's all too plausible.”
I suggested, “Maybe when we wake up in the morning everything will be normal and the Coalition of Earth Nations won't decide I'm a Very Import Traitor Who Was Abducted but Is Still a Traitor?”
Xan looked extremely skeptical. “Governments don't generally become magically sensible overnight. But perhaps tomorrow we can find out the rumors aren't so true. I'll see what I can find out.”
I hoped he could find out that the rumors were hot air bullshit because I certainly didn't need my psycho government deciding to essentially fucking kidnap me because seriously? Not cool.
Gesturing to a door on the other side of the room, Xan said, “There's a bathroom in there if you want to wash up before going to sleep. Toothbrushes and everything. I'll go wash up now, if you don't mind.”
Convenient that Zimarans had such things, yeah?
After Xan and I washed up, my tiredness finally caught up to me. I nearly fell over, wobbling on my feet. How long had I been awake anyway? Pretty fucking long, I would imagine.
I climbed onto the bed where Xan was sitting in his pajamas. He smirked at me. “You're forgetting something.”
What was I forgetting? How to do long division?
Nope, obviously. He said, “Remember, you don't need those clothes for sleeping, do you?”
Oh, right.
I took off my clothes and nearly passed out from sleepiness right then and there. I got under the sheets, as did Xan. He hugged me close, but, somewhat surprisingly, didn't actually try anything with me right then. He whispered, “I'll actually let you get some sleep. Right now, anyway.”
Maybe, just fucking maybe, getting some sleep would make the governments of Earth behave in a reasonable and logical fashion? Oh, who was I fucking kidding? Still, perhaps a solution would present itself in the morning, or sneak into my subconscious while I rested. That would be nice, since we really needed a solution, so very fucking much.
Here's Chapter 8 of "I Prefer the Mind Control." I'm trying to make actual chapters now. Enjoy the ridiculousness!
Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5(ish), Chapter 6, Chapter 7
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“This Palace of yours is the size of a small city,” I remarked. “It's fucking huge, and I am utterly lost.”
“That's why you have me,” Xan said. “I won't let you get lost, barring unfortunate sculptural mishaps.”
I laughed at that. “Well, at least we got out of that particular mess okay. Though I'm starting to doubt if any of the walls in this place are actually solid.”
Xan laughed. “Most of them are supposed to be solid, but I'm starting to have my doubts as well.”
“At least I didn't fall on top of an unstable nuclear warhead or something, especially with Jirrins' doomsday weapon theory. I could have been exploded. And that would have been bad. And messy.”
He actually shuddered. “Don't even say such things.”
“I was just joking.”
“I know you were, but it's not funny, not to me. The thought that you might die, especially when you've already come so close...” His voice betrayed actual worry.
“Theoretical explosions can't hurt me. Besides, I'm pretty sure Firi is going to make sure the local security people proof the walls against plot-relevant accidental break-ins,” I said.
That confused Xan. “Plot-relevant?”
Whoops, I forgot he had no idea that there was such a thing as the fourth wall. Was that a secret I could keep from him? I know I'm fictional, but would Xan have a breakdown if he learned he was? I didn't like when he kept secrets from me, and thus I didn't like keeping secrets from him. Shit, being aware of the fourth wall causes extra drama. I fucking hate drama. Damn you.
Maybe he was constitutionally incapable of realizing he was fictional and thus it wasn't some terrible secret I had to keep? Let's go with that. Less fucking drama that way.
“Never mind. Must have been a hiccup in the translator chip.” Hopefully, that explanation would do. Hopefully.
“Alright. We're almost there.”
That was good. Like I said, I could use the rest. When we arrived at the door to Xan's apartment, I noticed it was much like the door to his apartment back on planet Earth. Yup, he had to enter a code and do a retina scan.
He said, “I had to tell the door I have a guest. Soon, I'll have to have it programmed to accept you as a fellow resident. I expect you'll be staying awhile.”
“I hope I will and not just because your psycho brother will try to kill me legally if I were on Earth.” Oh shit, I hoped that would freak Xan out, talking about fucking assassination attempts and all.
Xan sighed. “Let's not think too much on my brother.”
We entered his apartment, which boggled my mind even more than his earthly apartment. It definitely said “royalty lives here, no peasants allowed.” Not that I was a peasant anymore, only I couldn't help still feeling like a peasant. You grow up basically normal, and that kind of conditioning is hard to shake.
Like his other apartment, this one featured a wall-sized TV screen in the entertainment area, only it was even bigger than the old one. Like “size of a small planet” big. I know, I know, it wasn't actually planet-sized, but, um, it felt fucking planet-sized, okay?
Not only that, but there were an “entertainment center” and a “general purpose lounge” sans planet-screen.
The kitchen was its own marvel of “too confusing for my puny human brain” technology, with plenty of shiny gizmos that looked like they might in theory be able to feed me. Hopefully there weren't any portals to elsewhere in this refrigerator. I would like to be able to decide for myself when I disappeared through the fucking wall. My choice would be to not do that again because, um, yeah. That hadn't been pretty, even if I did learn an important secret.
Xan said, “Your clothes have already been brought to our room.”
I guess in the drama that ensued after leaving Berri's shop, someone had time to worry about more mundane logistical stuff?
He pulled me close again, after having separated to get into the apartment. He told me, “This isn't exactly the introduction to Zimara I would have planned, so I'm sorry.”
I smiled. “No need to apologize, Xan. I mean, we're all happy and safe and healthy and stuff, yeah?”
“We are, though it was a rather close call.”
I said, “Maybe so, but it was the kind of close call where I got to have hot sex, which you obviously enjoyed watching.”
“That I did. It seems I didn't need to worry about pushing you so much, did I?”
“You worry too much.” Xan really did worry too much.
“It's only natural to worry about the people whom you care about, though, isn't it?” he asked.
I said, “Sure it's natural, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm doing fine. Better than fine, honestly. This has been the best, like, vacation in the history of ever.”
Seriously, it had. I know, I know, I should have been having an epic freakout over being on an alien planet where at least one of the inhabitants had tried to kill me. I should be wanting to go home. That's how the standard heroic arc goes, right? The whole Refusal of the Call thing, yeah? Most heroes are fucking contractually obligated to angst about their new positions. You may be the author, but I can't fucking do that. Besides, don't angsting heroes get kind of old after a while? Not that I'm exactly the hero, per se. It's not like I have to fight off an alien invasion or anything. Oh shit, does saying that mean there will be an alien invasion? Fuck.
Perhaps I'll lose it when I realize what's happened to me, but I fucking like it here, okay? It's fun to be the love interest, especially when that means I get to have lots of hot sex. Because I don't feel like I'm the standard hero of this story, not like you would actually tell me if I were the hero or not. I don't know the genre and I don't know my role. It's common enough for fourth-wall-aware folks such as myself to guess their roles wrong, isn't it? For all I know, I could be the bad guy and not realize it. That would suck.
You know what else sucks? Temporal confusion. I never know what tense to use, for some reason speaking in the present tense now yet speaking in the past when I'm narrating. You might want to fix that shit in the editing process.
Xan smiled. “You are happy, aren't you? I'm sorry, it's just...remarkable, really.”
Huh? I looked at him in confusion. Was happiness really a remarkable emotion? I didn't think so because, well, it seemed perfectly natural and normal for me to be happy. I meant, seriously, I had the most ridiculously hot boyfriend, like, ever. And I got to stay on a planet of implausibly gorgeous humanoids who seemed to think I was implausibly gorgeous. How many guys are lucky enough to get a trip to Planet Mary Sue? Seriously. While maybe, just maybe, I was a fucking Sue myself, Zimara was still Planet Mary Sue to me. So, happiness? Perfectly fucking reasonable.
I said, “What's so weird about being happy?”
“Being happy isn't weird, but it is weird that you're so cheerful considering everything that's happened.”
Huh? I didn't get that, exactly. “What do you mean, Xan?”
“You are kind of far from home,” he said.
“Light years, right? I'm cool with that.” I was, too.
“And, well, it's not like Zimara is exactly like Earth.”
“No, it's not. People here are way hotter.” They were.
He let go of me. “That isn't what I meant. I mean, people here are - are different.”
“Well, obviously.” I paused. “You mean all the sex stuff, don't you? Like, you think it's weird that I don't mind your, ahem, unusual customs.”
“That is what I meant.”
“So, since I'm human, you're kinda freaked out that I haven't minded what you've had me do?” I looked at him, wondering if my assessment were correct.
He nodded. “Most humans wouldn't be okay with being...shared.”
“I'm a special snowflake. Okay, fine, I'm not a snowflake or that special, particularly, but I suppose I am unusual in that I don't mind. It's fun. Seriously. You don't need to feel guilty or anything, and judging by that face you're making, you do feel kinda bad about it.”
“I - I don't feel guilty, not exactly. Just...surprised. And you are special. I wouldn't want you if you weren't. But it is...unexpected that you would take so well to being here and would adjust so well to our customs,” he said.
“I'm full of surprises, but I don't, you know, feel all that remarkable or anything. Really. I just feel like an average dude.”
Xan started laughing. “Average? Hardly! You're anything but.”
“What's so funny? There's no need to laugh.”
“It's funny you keep insisting on how normal you are when it's obvious you're not,” he explained.
“Well, I feel normal.” I did; it was true.
He gave me a strangely intense look. “Feelings aren't facts, you know.”
“I'm aware of that, but, back on Earth, I wasn't exactly Mr. Awesome at Everything.” That was for sure! Take, for example, my stupid French class I was surely going to fail. That thing? Sucked, a lot.
“Nobody is awesome at everything.” He still gave me that look, as if he were trying to scan my soul right now. I didn't really get it.
“Well, no...”
“If I worry too much, you do,too. There's no need to worry about being 'awesome at everything' or anything like that. You're fine. Better than fine.” He lightly brushed my cheek while smiling at me warmly. His eyes still tried to burn into my soul, and I did believe him, then.
It was just hard to think, to warp my mind around how lucky I was, how happy I was to have the chance to fucking be here.
I whispered, “I'm just really fucking lucky, man.”
“So am I.”
Xan kissed me, then, hugging me close while his lips explored mine. I hugged him back, embracing him tightly as I let myself enjoy his warmth and his sweet taste. Damn, he felt good. I would say “too good to be true,” but it wasn't too good to be true. Finally, I actually believed that. I relaxed into the kiss and opened my lips when Xan pressed his tongue forward. Sighing with pleasure, I played my tongue against his.
He broke the kiss, smiling at me with such warmth, I kind of totally melted. I didn't let go of him, and he didn't let go of me. Did he want more right now? As much as I needed rest, I wouldn't exactly mind if he did.
Xan said, “That's probably enough for now. After all, you do need to rest, but I wanted to show you just how lucky I am to have someone as amazing as you.”
I had nothing to say to that, so I just stood there with my mouth ever so slightly open. Not that a kiss was so surprising, but...I don't know how to explain it, exactly. It was just nice to hear Xan say something like that. Nice enough that my brain temporarily overloaded. Sure, I was perfectly happy to stay here, but I was still fucking tired, you know and, yeah, as I may have said, a brain could only take so much. And it was still just a bit hard to fully understand, to fully feel how much someone like Xan actually wanted me.
And thus I let Xan take me by the hand into his, wait a second, our room. He smiled at me yet again, making my heart flutter. When we entered the room, he gave me a quick kiss. Damn, did I love his kisses.
He traced a finger down my chest. “I don't think you need those clothes for sleeping, do you? After all, this is our private space.”
Our space? That would take some getting used to. Seriously. You know like how you have an awesome dream about owning a roller coaster factory or something and wake up to find that not only do you not own a roller coaster factory but are in fact too short to ride the coolest coasters? I felt like that with Xan, like I would fucking wake up back on Earth where I really kind of sucked at life if my grades were any indication. And I wasn't fucking stupid, either. I just...sucked at life. Sure, I had friends or whatever, but yeah, I think I would rather not get into my life on Earth at the moment, okay? It wasn't shiny rainbow sparkles on top of everlasting ice cream. And that's all you're going to get out of me for now, so stop asking. I don't fucking care that you're the author.
Sorry, I'm not very nice to you, am I? Just...don't ask about my past, okay?
Just as I was about to start taking off my clothes per Xan's request, something in the room beeped. A viewscreen whatsit in Xan's room flickered on. My eyes widened enough that my eyeballs nearly fell out of my fucking head. Holy hell, there was no way.
Upon the screen flashed a message that said “Message from York the Spork. Do you accept?”
Xan stared at the screen in utter bewilderment. Evidently such messages weren't normal. Obviously they weren't because...just holy fucking hell.
“It's Preston!” I shouted.
He turned to me. “Preston? Your roommate? How - how? And York the Spork? What does that even mean?”
“I have no fucking clue how he did it. And York the Spork is Preston's internet identity name thingie. Accept the message.”
Xan pressed something and Preston's face appeared. He looked both anxious, happy to see me and extremely pleased with himself.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.” Preston repeated himself as he bounced up at down, waving his arms, and getting more and more frantic. What the fuck was going on?
I said, “Stop flaling and use actual sentences!”
That kind of calmed him down.
“Oh my god, you're alive!” he shrieked.
Kind of. At least there was only one “oh my god” that time.
“That's closer to an actual sentence, but why don't you try using words to impart information rather than stating the obvious?” I wanted to know how the fuck Preston even got through, you know, royal security.
Xan finally found his voice. “Preston? If you don't mind my asking, just how did you manage this call?”
My former roommate tried to put on a mysterious voice, but he spoiled the effect by continuing to bounce and generally looking anxious and freaked out. “I have my ways,” he told us.
“That is not exactly specific or informative,” Xan said. “My friend Jirrin told me there was already a block on communication between Earth and Zimara. I haven't had time myself to follow up on that, but you shouldn't have been able to make this call.”
Preston sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I know, Prince Xan. That's why I had to use my, ahem, special skills to get through. I'm lucky I did. I don't know what you guys know, but Earth is freaking the fuck out.”
That wasn't good. With much trepidation, I asked, “Freaking out how, Preston?”
“As in emergency meetings at the Coalition of Earth Nations building in Central City. As in 'nations that hate each other banding together over your abduction' kind of freaking out. As in COEN blocked communications between Earth and Zimara over you.”
My heart stopped. Wait, wait? “I wasn't fucking abducted!”
Xan looked both surprised and outraged. He hugged me, like he were afraid the news might physically leap through the vidscreen and harm me. Considering how wild the news was, I wouldn't be surprised if it did take physical form and attack. A fucking communications block? Over a random college student like me? Over fucking me? Seriously? Damn fuck.
My former roommate appeared oddly defeated. “I know, Dylan, I know. I saw how you and Xan were. I see how you are now, and I know you wanted to go to Zimara and...oh my god you're a cyborg, aren't you? What, how?”
“I'll tell you later, but first I need to know about this communications block. What's going on, Preston?” Painful worry started to eat at my stomach.
Xan asked, “Yes, what is going on down on Earth?”
Preston said, “President Georgia Bradley's head is constantly five seconds from exploding, for one. I'm surprised she still has her head, not that she ever actually uses it.”
Despite the tense as fuck situation, I had to laugh.
My former roommate continued, “It's not funny, Dylan. A President with a nearly-exploded head is a dangerous thing.”
“I know, I know. How are the rest of the COEN people reacting?” Did I actually want to know?
Preston sighed. “Leader Elena Terzi agreed to invoke the Important Person Retrieval Agreement.”
Shit, damn, fuck, shit, oh fucking shit.
The Important Person Retrieval Agreement, or IPRA, was part of a treaty signed between Earth and Zimara that said Earth and the Coalition of Earth Nations had a right to demand back any “important persons” who were on Zimara for whatever reason, even if the Zimarans, or the persons themselves, didn't actually want to return. I had no fucking clue why such a thing existed, but it did. And the Earth people were invoking it over me. Fucking me, an average college student who was not an Important Person at all. Certainly, I wasn't important enough to be, like, fucking reverse abducted.
“And how soon would this agreement go into effect?” Xan did not look fucking happy.
“I have no idea,” Preston said. “No clue, but I think it will be sooner rather than later.”
None of this made fucking sense. “What's with all the goddamn hysteria over me? Seriously? I'm just an average guy; why does it fucking matter which planet I happen to be on at the moment?”
“Because politicians are children,” Xan explained.
Huh?
He continued, “From what I know, Earth and Zimara haven't exactly been getting along. It took a lot of convincing for me to even be allowed to spend time on Earth. You're like a toy Earth wants simply because they don't have it anymore.”
I rolled my eyes. “That's so fucking stupid, they haven't invented a Stupid-o-Meter powerful enough to accurately measure how stupid that is.”
Preston pressed his palm to his forehead. “Just because something is stupid, doesn't mean it's not happening. This is happening, and unless you come up with some miraculous solution, they'll take you back to Earth.”
“Even if I'm likely to be killed in that event? Fucking seriously? Can't we just tell the Earth people that it's lethal for me to return to my home planet?” Surely that would be a reasonable solution?
“Doubt it,” Preston said. “I heard on the news that they might want to put you in 'protective custody' which I'm sure you know is fancy-speak for jail. Bradley called you a 'traitor to the species' at least once.”
I could feel Xan's anger and outrage. For that matter, I was full of my own fucking anger and outrage. I wasn't a damn traitor. Sure, relations between the planets might have been more than a little contentious, but...traitor? Um, no.
I asked, “So you're saying that unless I come up with some amazing solution that solves everything, I will be forcibly returned to Earth either because I'm a fucking traitor or because Earth doesn't like Zimara stealing their toys?”
“Pretty much, Dylan. You need one fancy loophole to get yourself out of this mess,” Preston said.
Loopholes? I didn't even know much about the Zimaran legal system, or even much about how to get around the human legal system. But I would not let myself get fucking arrested, that was for sure.
Suddenly the screen started flickering, causing disruption in Preston's image.
“Oh shit!” he hissed. “Something's interfering with my signal.”
That was, to put in mildly, inconvenient
“I gotta go, guys,” Preston said. “You better figure something out, though. I don't wanna see my friend arrested.”
His image fizzled out, leaving the screen dark. What an annoying abrupt end to the conversation.
“Fuck!” I exclaimed.
“Indeed,” Xan said. “Such a sudden departure seems rather suspicious.”
“How much of what he said is really true, do you think?” Maybe it was all rumors and lies and stuff? Please, it needed to be rumors and lies and stuff. Fucking please.
“I don't know, but it's all too plausible.”
I suggested, “Maybe when we wake up in the morning everything will be normal and the Coalition of Earth Nations won't decide I'm a Very Import Traitor Who Was Abducted but Is Still a Traitor?”
Xan looked extremely skeptical. “Governments don't generally become magically sensible overnight. But perhaps tomorrow we can find out the rumors aren't so true. I'll see what I can find out.”
I hoped he could find out that the rumors were hot air bullshit because I certainly didn't need my psycho government deciding to essentially fucking kidnap me because seriously? Not cool.
Gesturing to a door on the other side of the room, Xan said, “There's a bathroom in there if you want to wash up before going to sleep. Toothbrushes and everything. I'll go wash up now, if you don't mind.”
Convenient that Zimarans had such things, yeah?
After Xan and I washed up, my tiredness finally caught up to me. I nearly fell over, wobbling on my feet. How long had I been awake anyway? Pretty fucking long, I would imagine.
I climbed onto the bed where Xan was sitting in his pajamas. He smirked at me. “You're forgetting something.”
What was I forgetting? How to do long division?
Nope, obviously. He said, “Remember, you don't need those clothes for sleeping, do you?”
Oh, right.
I took off my clothes and nearly passed out from sleepiness right then and there. I got under the sheets, as did Xan. He hugged me close, but, somewhat surprisingly, didn't actually try anything with me right then. He whispered, “I'll actually let you get some sleep. Right now, anyway.”
Maybe, just fucking maybe, getting some sleep would make the governments of Earth behave in a reasonable and logical fashion? Oh, who was I fucking kidding? Still, perhaps a solution would present itself in the morning, or sneak into my subconscious while I rested. That would be nice, since we really needed a solution, so very fucking much.