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i couldn't wake up this morning even though i took an amphetamine. i was just sinking in my bed with water in my bones, lonely, lonely. dreaming up scenarios and dramatics of social events. more than anything i long to see jason and just cling to him.
when i'm on these pills its brilliant - my mind is too quick to think negative thoughts and wallow in them. so i actually have quite delusional self confidence. when im exhausted though, my body just ACHES for human contact.
now i just want to abandon my book for half a day. be lazy. i want to write a letter, i want to dance around to polly harvey and poe, i want to ask everybody how many cigarettes they smoke in a day? i think that will tell me a lot. i want anorexia, plants, cats, everything.
am i mad? cigarettes seem nutritive to me. i'm not guilty. pills just seem cute. i guess i'm basing it all on my mental health rather than physical. drugs occasionally, make a happy person out of me. without them i eat myself into an early grave.
i have this idea that i cant eat anything. i can suck or sip. i never want to chew again. diet coke, coffee, juice, soup, lollypops? i'll make an exception for fruit because i less eat a peach and more swim in it.
i read this in a book, i can't recall which:
'from the brand of my jeans to my passions, everything was horridly and contemptibly wrong. dont ask me by which standards, at that age we think in absolutes.'
i feel the same way, although i think differently. i think i am a better person than i feel like i am. or perhaps it is the other way around. i really can't tell.
been trying to place a hold on 'wasted' by marya hornbacher for about a yr, the copies are lost, (stolen.) will anybody in the world mail me their copy (dog-eared & written in?) and i'll mail it back with words and sweet things? today i placed holds on, a spy in the house of love by anais, the house of leaves, white oleander, stick figure, and a murakami novel.
when i'm on these pills its brilliant - my mind is too quick to think negative thoughts and wallow in them. so i actually have quite delusional self confidence. when im exhausted though, my body just ACHES for human contact.
now i just want to abandon my book for half a day. be lazy. i want to write a letter, i want to dance around to polly harvey and poe, i want to ask everybody how many cigarettes they smoke in a day? i think that will tell me a lot. i want anorexia, plants, cats, everything.
am i mad? cigarettes seem nutritive to me. i'm not guilty. pills just seem cute. i guess i'm basing it all on my mental health rather than physical. drugs occasionally, make a happy person out of me. without them i eat myself into an early grave.
i have this idea that i cant eat anything. i can suck or sip. i never want to chew again. diet coke, coffee, juice, soup, lollypops? i'll make an exception for fruit because i less eat a peach and more swim in it.
i read this in a book, i can't recall which:
'from the brand of my jeans to my passions, everything was horridly and contemptibly wrong. dont ask me by which standards, at that age we think in absolutes.'
i feel the same way, although i think differently. i think i am a better person than i feel like i am. or perhaps it is the other way around. i really can't tell.
been trying to place a hold on 'wasted' by marya hornbacher for about a yr, the copies are lost, (stolen.) will anybody in the world mail me their copy (dog-eared & written in?) and i'll mail it back with words and sweet things? today i placed holds on, a spy in the house of love by anais, the house of leaves, white oleander, stick figure, and a murakami novel.