found
i meant to post this months and months ago.
just found an old .txt file.
just before, charles came in and asked me for a game of handball. usually i'd refuse if i were depressed, seeing that ever present uselessness. but just then i obliged him automatically, feeling pleased that someone else has arranged a means to waste another half hour. because sometimes i feel so small i cant bear to make a decision or a menu or a schedule. i need to be directed like a child.
i'm a backwards anorexic a lot of the time. my days are ripped through their centres by continuous anorexic thoughts. they make me so anxious that the only thing i can do is eat. its been said that the quickest way to avoid introspection is to attend to the body.
i suppose i should indulge in sex then.
but i won't even visit a friend, let alone someone i'm attracted to, let alone be naked with them.
i fear the eventuality of eating so maniacally that i just binge and binge. every day i am the fool who thinks he shall never eat again. and i marvel at the excess and the waste.
i often wish in vain to just eat normal meals but i cant because i instinctively begin deciding to leave half on my plate, or to skip the next meal, and when i begin to restrict, any amount of food panics me, so i end up not eating at all, and when i don't eat at all, i binge in fear.
its so mixed up and ive tried so often to fix it.
but i dont care. i'd like to die but as with everything else, im not going to do anything about it. its easiest here, in limbo. as long as i can stay here protected and alone i can live a pale life with ghosts like books and films.
i hate it because i'm aware of how easy it is. to just not eat. i know it, i've done it, i feel it.
but yet, i don't do it.
just found an old .txt file.
just before, charles came in and asked me for a game of handball. usually i'd refuse if i were depressed, seeing that ever present uselessness. but just then i obliged him automatically, feeling pleased that someone else has arranged a means to waste another half hour. because sometimes i feel so small i cant bear to make a decision or a menu or a schedule. i need to be directed like a child.
i'm a backwards anorexic a lot of the time. my days are ripped through their centres by continuous anorexic thoughts. they make me so anxious that the only thing i can do is eat. its been said that the quickest way to avoid introspection is to attend to the body.
i suppose i should indulge in sex then.
but i won't even visit a friend, let alone someone i'm attracted to, let alone be naked with them.
i fear the eventuality of eating so maniacally that i just binge and binge. every day i am the fool who thinks he shall never eat again. and i marvel at the excess and the waste.
i often wish in vain to just eat normal meals but i cant because i instinctively begin deciding to leave half on my plate, or to skip the next meal, and when i begin to restrict, any amount of food panics me, so i end up not eating at all, and when i don't eat at all, i binge in fear.
its so mixed up and ive tried so often to fix it.
but i dont care. i'd like to die but as with everything else, im not going to do anything about it. its easiest here, in limbo. as long as i can stay here protected and alone i can live a pale life with ghosts like books and films.
i hate it because i'm aware of how easy it is. to just not eat. i know it, i've done it, i feel it.
but yet, i don't do it.