Full Moon
Hi. I blasted through New Moon last night....was about 4 or five pages till the end where everyone was fighting when my aunt knocked on my bedroom door and told me the phone was for me.
"Hello?"
"Hey...Am i calling you too late? (it was 10:30)"
"Dillon...usually you call me between 1:13 and 1:18 at night..c'mon"
"What are you doing?"
"Reading."
"Get your bike. Come pick me up. Show me your route."
"I only know the beach...."
"Perfect. It's warm, so i'll forget my jacket, but I have to get my bike in lakewood.."
"Okay..Will it take long?"
"No. I'll let you know when i'm on my way. Call me back in ten minutes."
He called back. His picture came up on my phone...his ringtone to my phone was not familiar, as i kinda forget what it was like to expect his call. I was busting 70 mph on del amo blvd when the phone vibrated between my legs. Hi, I'm....on the 405. (i lied). But i have to ....stop for gas.
Okay...but you're in long beach right?
Yeah... i'll be there in 10.
I ran inside my house. My mom was lying lethargicly on the couch, not paying attention to the intruder walking into her peaceful house at almost eleven. I went to the garage, and grabbed my bike. My mom and my bike barged in, cursing my name and blocked the door. You're not taking that bike. You had the last bike stolen. (Like i had any control over the beach crusier my mom won when i was in the 9th grade that got stolen.)
Mom, i wasn't riding it when it was stolen. Please...stop being irrational. My friends invited me out, and i havn't been with friends...i've been depressed and in the house. (if only they knew it was because of my overanalyzation of my relationship with dillon.) Please.
"Fuck that shit! Your are not walking out here with that bike...it's $1000 and you're going to ruin it. Your gay! Just tell me you're gay."
"Fuck mom. You already know". (Stop...you're hurting yourself) Tears welled up in her eyes.
I grabbed the bike, and my dad threw it back on the floor.
"Dad! Stopp..please."Tears welled up in my eyes now. (intentional i swear)
My mom gave in and i left with the bike that was sure to impress.
"I'll be waiting up for you Alex."
Don't mom. I know you don't sleep anyways, but tonight there will be no reason. I'll be out all night.
I threw the bike in my saturn suv and ran to the 405. I flew through the freeway thinking of what I had just done...lied to them about the bike in which they were entirely right. But gays don't ride bikes at midnight on the beach, in long beach. Gangsters do, but tonight would be different. I pulled up and I saw dillon's flashy bike circle across the cul-de-sac of his house. He was wearing the same shoes that i drew the picture of him in, and he look absolutely perfect as he circled around and smiled at me.
Dillon! I exclaimed. He hopped off his bike, and i hugged him, and he chuckled. "Let's get moving shortstuff"
"Haircut!" He said. I reached my hand out and felt his unwashed, straight mullet.
"I love it. I like it not curly and all...it looks so good dillon!"
On our way to the beach we blasted crystal castles as he explained to me all about the bike i had no idea to ride. What an idea. I'm prone to accidents, especially with me intoxicated by him looking at me. Wondering what he was thinking, i made a wrong turn, and with no way to u-turn, ended up at the queen mary. (Where we first met. Where we remet. Where I got his number that night. Where i first saw him, and thought to myself, my god that kid looks like Nick Jonas.) Let's go inside I thought to myself.
I'll pass on that one. I kinda save it all up for shipwreck. (How funny..a whole 11 months of avoidance of a haunted place, just to survive one month) We blasted through the security exit and parked in the full parking lot behind the aquarium. He grabbed his dismantled bike out of my car and i somehow managed to get my bike off of his. His bike felt like a hula-hoop compared to my motorcycle of a bike. But he was impressed, by all the things on the bike, gears and releases and bike vocab i didn't understand. I grabbed my camera, pushed a water bottle in my water bottle holder (How...exotic?) And followed dillon down the parking lot. Riding against the wind was tuff... but i hadn't fallen down and i was kinda excited for not crashing into the ocean. We arrived by the trail by the beach and it felt like we were going uphill. The entire time we kept up conversation. About his james, about his uncanny ability to make me mad, and the fact my wheels were all over the place and he kept tempting my fate by almost always crashing into me. I lined my bike up right behind his and nudged him. Haha, he laughed.
"Hey, pass me that water bottle."
(Oh god i thought to myself....letting go of the handlebar) "I can't"
"Yes you can... Ozzie and his girlfriend hold hands on bikes"
"I might die dillon. And you wouldn't be able to carry me AND my bike"
"Well i'd take the bike, you're too heavy" (Grr! Haha)
I reached undermyself and quickly grabbed the water bottle and then 3 minutes later quickly handed it to him. When he handed it back to me, his fingers touched mine and i lost control of the bike. My front tire quickly ran into the sand and i jumped off, while pro i-can-ride-my-bike-with-no-handlebars zoomed past me. I got up and picked up the water bottle and threw it and almost hit him. Jumped on my bike and caught up, he was laughing the whole time. He talked of friends...mostly his. I asked him questions, as we rode up and down the pier zooming by belmont shore.
"I don't know how far you want to go, but when you get tired, let me know"
"I can go 30 miles! ...And the whole night with you"
"Hahaha...let me know."
I kept on the conversation, talking about how things were different now. (Different now i thought to myself....because they were so constant in the beginning? Yeah...right)
"Dillon....I love you. I'll love you always"
"I love you too."
"I know you do, but what hurts me is you'll never be able to love me like how i love you"
"Alex, I can't do that. I can't do one person. Think of all the things you miss when you're tied down to someone...."
"What about Jessie? 3 years yeah? that's how you feel"
"Like i was tied down to her" (I thought to myself how they just broke up 3 days before our bike ride.)
''i've just....i've never felt anywhere close to what i feel when i was with you. It's different now. But like you said..where did I go off where you didn't give me any reason to believe. Am i right?"
"Yeah...I feel like sometimes I think to myself that i should it. That i should be with you. But i can't....It's not who i am."
We past house after house, conversation weaving in & out about us... he got to a point where he was riding faster than i could...and he let go of his handlebars and i screamed his name i pedaled faster to keep up withhim. i was riding right beside him, thinking how fast we were flying though the empty street, seeing him delight on the fact i was going crazy from him pushing himself to go faster and faster. All i could think to myself was that this didn't feel like work anymore, as we flew by mother's beach and came to a agreeing pace, smiling and breathing and just feeling so good. I brought up the future..the fact that i always knew he would a part of my life...and that he couldn't shake me. He could actually. He could do it in a second. I've felt it before... then all of a sudden, i heard him yelp "Oh shit!" My bike thrashed off a curb a little too high and then i lost control ran into a tree and tried to pedal by my feet skimming the ground faster than my wheel as i ran into a fern, then got anxious that a spider landed on my face. I heard him laughing the whole time.
"See, exactly my point. I mean think, i've been ridiculed about what i could or could not be almost my entire life, and finally i meet somebody who makes me feel..like it's worth it. I don't want to lose that. You didn't save me, and i almost died thinking a spider was on my face!"
"I can't be everyone's savior."
"I'm not asking you to be, dillon. I was thought, maybe, things might be different."
"My dad told me something once--i'll tell you. He said he heard it from a friend and i think it's kindof famous now...There's this fisherman, and this hungry man comes up to the fisherman. But the fisherman can't do everything for everyone...eventually his gives the hungry man a fishing pole..."
"Dillon, i don't need a fishing pole!" I exclaimed as we zoomed past heading with the wind back towards the aquarium. "I might be this hungry man, but you're the fisherman who's going to show me new waters to fish in. I don't need you to mean for me to teach me something...You're going to show me beautiful places i've never been...I mean look at me. Optimistic, sunny. Just in the time i've known i've come to experience feelings--places i've never imagined...dark waters... and i'm different because. But now i've come to know you're not my fisherman."
"I understand what you mean."
We packed our bikes into the car as i gulped a whole bottle of water down and flatten my sea breezed hair down. "Dillon....come fall asleep with me. We all know you need the sleep"
"I can't... i have the baby to watch in the morning, and i need to be home. Let's get something to eat though"
We drove through long beach, and somehow we managed to get on the topic of him getting shot. He told me about what had happened... something i've never heard, but always deeply respected. It happend near by to where we were, and it was his idea to show me and to describe to me what happened.
"....but i forgive the guy who did it. I thought i saw him, waiting for the train one day. I forgive him"
"Dillon, you can't forgive him...he almost took your life....I don't know what i'd do if you hadn't come into my life when you did... He has no right to decide whether you live or die."
"Your right."
We parked in the donut parking lot across from louie house. He was remembering my birthday party, and laughing about how drunk i was that night. He remembered the guy playing hannah montana on the guitar, so ipopped in the movie soundtrack and showed him the hoedown-throwdown that i had recently caught on to. He lit up and laughed, as we got out the car, in the middle of long beach, my car blasting hannah montana, and my dancing that lined up so perfectly to the words. I loved to see him smile. They wern't home, neither were any of my friends that lived on rose st. But i did run into troy and friends, which was awkward, bc troy knew exactly who dillon was and acted like apussy in front of him, screaming to me that I should of called. I yelled back, "i don't have a phone, fuck off." We got food, and headed towards my mom's house. We had time to kill, so we stopped nearish to my friend sara castro's house, but she was asleep, so we made a video. We had another talk about moving in with each other, and how i'd could have him as my best friend, but i can't be his..that would make all his other friends too jealous. He said something to mean that stuck "Even if we were together, i think of my friends as my number one priority."(Great. So just like the demi lovato song, i'd be number 7. Ugh) I told him that i was crushing on this guy named michael, and i had been for a little while. I asked to use his phone to call him, but he dialed thenumber, thenwhen michael picked up he ...uhhh introduced himself? Michael probably thinks i'm a total douche...because i told him who dillon was...haha. he promised to call me back, he was getting in the car and about to get to get on the freeway. He never called back. We pulled up on my house street, where i had to return the bike. "How would i stop feeling the way i feel about you? I want to be with you as a friend no matter what. It hurts to love you."
"I could hurt you, but it would probably make you never want to talk to me ever again"
I dropped off my bike steathily in my garage. Dillon was at my house... i would never had thought that ever. I showed him my mom's thrashed SUV that she crashed into a pole. How i just wanted to be different from the both of them. We put his bike back in my car and headed back home, talking more of going to jen's party next week, me talking about my future, apartment conversation...and i really felt close. Like a best friend.
We pulled up to his house and i helped him get his bike out. I hugged him, and pressed my head against his shoulder. He laughed then squirmed...i forget how tiny he really is sometimes.
"Is it true i'm the biggest you've ever had?" I had never really gone all the way with a boy before..i tried before but it was unsuccessful to say the...least. Me and dillon first made love to each other for a good number of hours, twice. "Yeah. Be proud." I knew i was bigger than him, in a heartbeat, but i know he likes the attention, and what guy doesn't like to know he was a big pecker? haha
"There's something i need to tell you."
"What? I HAVE TO PEE!"
"Nevermind Bye!"
"What?!?! Just say it" (i love you)
"I need you to hurt me." i exhaled. I felt his breath on my cheek.
"I can't...not right now!!! Not right here! not right now..."
"Dillon!" I exclaimed as he pedaled away
Ruined. Again. As soon as i got home i called him. I guess he was texting, because the phone didn't even ring.
".....Hello?"
"hi."
"I just got home, i just home safe just wanted to call and let you know. wow that didn't even ring"
"Yeah, i was texting james."
"Are you mad at me?"
"We had a good night. You always ruin it with that....shit. I hate it."
"What am i supposed to do? Forgive me."
"I always do."
"I gotta go to bed, i'm exhausted."
"Me too, i have to get some sleep before i wake up and watch the kid"
"Bye." The phone clicked. i lied in bed and cried for a little bit. I should of stayed in. I should of done something else. I should of said different things. Oh, it's gonna be okay, i'm so sure.
if he is going to hurt me it isn't going to happen now. But i'm already feeling tainted...a monster. I immediately stopped thinking about it.
If he hurt me, i would be just like him. sex would be just....sex. nothing special. Love? gone. I'd exist just to be hurt, i'd be a monster. He'd be the end of me. I can't let that happen. I have to stop while i'm at it. I can't keep thinking the fairy tale will come true, no matter how storybook everytime we've gone out or stayed in is. You know? I mean...there is so much more to be put into consideration, but the night was a big wake up call that I needed to stop thinking about that...about him, no matter how much i loved him. Because he's already been tainted, because of whatever. whatever he had together was truly beautiful, but maybe it wasn't entirely real. Maybe he wasn't entirely being true to himself, either during, or after, but i' can't read his mind. He'll be around for awhile. He'll wear a white tuxedo at my wedding, and he'll be there for me when something immenient and disastrous happens, which i feel is close to someone i love. This all hurts allot, but i honestly think it was for the best. I Can't think of him like that. I need to think of him like a brother, that i love, because that's how he truly loves me. And no body would get hurt that way, and things would play themselves out, you know?
"Hello?"
"Hey...Am i calling you too late? (it was 10:30)"
"Dillon...usually you call me between 1:13 and 1:18 at night..c'mon"
"What are you doing?"
"Reading."
"Get your bike. Come pick me up. Show me your route."
"I only know the beach...."
"Perfect. It's warm, so i'll forget my jacket, but I have to get my bike in lakewood.."
"Okay..Will it take long?"
"No. I'll let you know when i'm on my way. Call me back in ten minutes."
He called back. His picture came up on my phone...his ringtone to my phone was not familiar, as i kinda forget what it was like to expect his call. I was busting 70 mph on del amo blvd when the phone vibrated between my legs. Hi, I'm....on the 405. (i lied). But i have to ....stop for gas.
Okay...but you're in long beach right?
Yeah... i'll be there in 10.
I ran inside my house. My mom was lying lethargicly on the couch, not paying attention to the intruder walking into her peaceful house at almost eleven. I went to the garage, and grabbed my bike. My mom and my bike barged in, cursing my name and blocked the door. You're not taking that bike. You had the last bike stolen. (Like i had any control over the beach crusier my mom won when i was in the 9th grade that got stolen.)
Mom, i wasn't riding it when it was stolen. Please...stop being irrational. My friends invited me out, and i havn't been with friends...i've been depressed and in the house. (if only they knew it was because of my overanalyzation of my relationship with dillon.) Please.
"Fuck that shit! Your are not walking out here with that bike...it's $1000 and you're going to ruin it. Your gay! Just tell me you're gay."
"Fuck mom. You already know". (Stop...you're hurting yourself) Tears welled up in her eyes.
I grabbed the bike, and my dad threw it back on the floor.
"Dad! Stopp..please."Tears welled up in my eyes now. (intentional i swear)
My mom gave in and i left with the bike that was sure to impress.
"I'll be waiting up for you Alex."
Don't mom. I know you don't sleep anyways, but tonight there will be no reason. I'll be out all night.
I threw the bike in my saturn suv and ran to the 405. I flew through the freeway thinking of what I had just done...lied to them about the bike in which they were entirely right. But gays don't ride bikes at midnight on the beach, in long beach. Gangsters do, but tonight would be different. I pulled up and I saw dillon's flashy bike circle across the cul-de-sac of his house. He was wearing the same shoes that i drew the picture of him in, and he look absolutely perfect as he circled around and smiled at me.
Dillon! I exclaimed. He hopped off his bike, and i hugged him, and he chuckled. "Let's get moving shortstuff"
"Haircut!" He said. I reached my hand out and felt his unwashed, straight mullet.
"I love it. I like it not curly and all...it looks so good dillon!"
On our way to the beach we blasted crystal castles as he explained to me all about the bike i had no idea to ride. What an idea. I'm prone to accidents, especially with me intoxicated by him looking at me. Wondering what he was thinking, i made a wrong turn, and with no way to u-turn, ended up at the queen mary. (Where we first met. Where we remet. Where I got his number that night. Where i first saw him, and thought to myself, my god that kid looks like Nick Jonas.) Let's go inside I thought to myself.
I'll pass on that one. I kinda save it all up for shipwreck. (How funny..a whole 11 months of avoidance of a haunted place, just to survive one month) We blasted through the security exit and parked in the full parking lot behind the aquarium. He grabbed his dismantled bike out of my car and i somehow managed to get my bike off of his. His bike felt like a hula-hoop compared to my motorcycle of a bike. But he was impressed, by all the things on the bike, gears and releases and bike vocab i didn't understand. I grabbed my camera, pushed a water bottle in my water bottle holder (How...exotic?) And followed dillon down the parking lot. Riding against the wind was tuff... but i hadn't fallen down and i was kinda excited for not crashing into the ocean. We arrived by the trail by the beach and it felt like we were going uphill. The entire time we kept up conversation. About his james, about his uncanny ability to make me mad, and the fact my wheels were all over the place and he kept tempting my fate by almost always crashing into me. I lined my bike up right behind his and nudged him. Haha, he laughed.
"Hey, pass me that water bottle."
(Oh god i thought to myself....letting go of the handlebar) "I can't"
"Yes you can... Ozzie and his girlfriend hold hands on bikes"
"I might die dillon. And you wouldn't be able to carry me AND my bike"
"Well i'd take the bike, you're too heavy" (Grr! Haha)
I reached undermyself and quickly grabbed the water bottle and then 3 minutes later quickly handed it to him. When he handed it back to me, his fingers touched mine and i lost control of the bike. My front tire quickly ran into the sand and i jumped off, while pro i-can-ride-my-bike-with-no-handlebars zoomed past me. I got up and picked up the water bottle and threw it and almost hit him. Jumped on my bike and caught up, he was laughing the whole time. He talked of friends...mostly his. I asked him questions, as we rode up and down the pier zooming by belmont shore.
"I don't know how far you want to go, but when you get tired, let me know"
"I can go 30 miles! ...And the whole night with you"
"Hahaha...let me know."
I kept on the conversation, talking about how things were different now. (Different now i thought to myself....because they were so constant in the beginning? Yeah...right)
"Dillon....I love you. I'll love you always"
"I love you too."
"I know you do, but what hurts me is you'll never be able to love me like how i love you"
"Alex, I can't do that. I can't do one person. Think of all the things you miss when you're tied down to someone...."
"What about Jessie? 3 years yeah? that's how you feel"
"Like i was tied down to her" (I thought to myself how they just broke up 3 days before our bike ride.)
''i've just....i've never felt anywhere close to what i feel when i was with you. It's different now. But like you said..where did I go off where you didn't give me any reason to believe. Am i right?"
"Yeah...I feel like sometimes I think to myself that i should it. That i should be with you. But i can't....It's not who i am."
We past house after house, conversation weaving in & out about us... he got to a point where he was riding faster than i could...and he let go of his handlebars and i screamed his name i pedaled faster to keep up withhim. i was riding right beside him, thinking how fast we were flying though the empty street, seeing him delight on the fact i was going crazy from him pushing himself to go faster and faster. All i could think to myself was that this didn't feel like work anymore, as we flew by mother's beach and came to a agreeing pace, smiling and breathing and just feeling so good. I brought up the future..the fact that i always knew he would a part of my life...and that he couldn't shake me. He could actually. He could do it in a second. I've felt it before... then all of a sudden, i heard him yelp "Oh shit!" My bike thrashed off a curb a little too high and then i lost control ran into a tree and tried to pedal by my feet skimming the ground faster than my wheel as i ran into a fern, then got anxious that a spider landed on my face. I heard him laughing the whole time.
"See, exactly my point. I mean think, i've been ridiculed about what i could or could not be almost my entire life, and finally i meet somebody who makes me feel..like it's worth it. I don't want to lose that. You didn't save me, and i almost died thinking a spider was on my face!"
"I can't be everyone's savior."
"I'm not asking you to be, dillon. I was thought, maybe, things might be different."
"My dad told me something once--i'll tell you. He said he heard it from a friend and i think it's kindof famous now...There's this fisherman, and this hungry man comes up to the fisherman. But the fisherman can't do everything for everyone...eventually his gives the hungry man a fishing pole..."
"Dillon, i don't need a fishing pole!" I exclaimed as we zoomed past heading with the wind back towards the aquarium. "I might be this hungry man, but you're the fisherman who's going to show me new waters to fish in. I don't need you to mean for me to teach me something...You're going to show me beautiful places i've never been...I mean look at me. Optimistic, sunny. Just in the time i've known i've come to experience feelings--places i've never imagined...dark waters... and i'm different because. But now i've come to know you're not my fisherman."
"I understand what you mean."
We packed our bikes into the car as i gulped a whole bottle of water down and flatten my sea breezed hair down. "Dillon....come fall asleep with me. We all know you need the sleep"
"I can't... i have the baby to watch in the morning, and i need to be home. Let's get something to eat though"
We drove through long beach, and somehow we managed to get on the topic of him getting shot. He told me about what had happened... something i've never heard, but always deeply respected. It happend near by to where we were, and it was his idea to show me and to describe to me what happened.
"....but i forgive the guy who did it. I thought i saw him, waiting for the train one day. I forgive him"
"Dillon, you can't forgive him...he almost took your life....I don't know what i'd do if you hadn't come into my life when you did... He has no right to decide whether you live or die."
"Your right."
We parked in the donut parking lot across from louie house. He was remembering my birthday party, and laughing about how drunk i was that night. He remembered the guy playing hannah montana on the guitar, so ipopped in the movie soundtrack and showed him the hoedown-throwdown that i had recently caught on to. He lit up and laughed, as we got out the car, in the middle of long beach, my car blasting hannah montana, and my dancing that lined up so perfectly to the words. I loved to see him smile. They wern't home, neither were any of my friends that lived on rose st. But i did run into troy and friends, which was awkward, bc troy knew exactly who dillon was and acted like apussy in front of him, screaming to me that I should of called. I yelled back, "i don't have a phone, fuck off." We got food, and headed towards my mom's house. We had time to kill, so we stopped nearish to my friend sara castro's house, but she was asleep, so we made a video. We had another talk about moving in with each other, and how i'd could have him as my best friend, but i can't be his..that would make all his other friends too jealous. He said something to mean that stuck "Even if we were together, i think of my friends as my number one priority."(Great. So just like the demi lovato song, i'd be number 7. Ugh) I told him that i was crushing on this guy named michael, and i had been for a little while. I asked to use his phone to call him, but he dialed thenumber, thenwhen michael picked up he ...uhhh introduced himself? Michael probably thinks i'm a total douche...because i told him who dillon was...haha. he promised to call me back, he was getting in the car and about to get to get on the freeway. He never called back. We pulled up on my house street, where i had to return the bike. "How would i stop feeling the way i feel about you? I want to be with you as a friend no matter what. It hurts to love you."
"I could hurt you, but it would probably make you never want to talk to me ever again"
I dropped off my bike steathily in my garage. Dillon was at my house... i would never had thought that ever. I showed him my mom's thrashed SUV that she crashed into a pole. How i just wanted to be different from the both of them. We put his bike back in my car and headed back home, talking more of going to jen's party next week, me talking about my future, apartment conversation...and i really felt close. Like a best friend.
We pulled up to his house and i helped him get his bike out. I hugged him, and pressed my head against his shoulder. He laughed then squirmed...i forget how tiny he really is sometimes.
"Is it true i'm the biggest you've ever had?" I had never really gone all the way with a boy before..i tried before but it was unsuccessful to say the...least. Me and dillon first made love to each other for a good number of hours, twice. "Yeah. Be proud." I knew i was bigger than him, in a heartbeat, but i know he likes the attention, and what guy doesn't like to know he was a big pecker? haha
"There's something i need to tell you."
"What? I HAVE TO PEE!"
"Nevermind Bye!"
"What?!?! Just say it" (i love you)
"I need you to hurt me." i exhaled. I felt his breath on my cheek.
"I can't...not right now!!! Not right here! not right now..."
"Dillon!" I exclaimed as he pedaled away
Ruined. Again. As soon as i got home i called him. I guess he was texting, because the phone didn't even ring.
".....Hello?"
"hi."
"I just got home, i just home safe just wanted to call and let you know. wow that didn't even ring"
"Yeah, i was texting james."
"Are you mad at me?"
"We had a good night. You always ruin it with that....shit. I hate it."
"What am i supposed to do? Forgive me."
"I always do."
"I gotta go to bed, i'm exhausted."
"Me too, i have to get some sleep before i wake up and watch the kid"
"Bye." The phone clicked. i lied in bed and cried for a little bit. I should of stayed in. I should of done something else. I should of said different things. Oh, it's gonna be okay, i'm so sure.
if he is going to hurt me it isn't going to happen now. But i'm already feeling tainted...a monster. I immediately stopped thinking about it.
If he hurt me, i would be just like him. sex would be just....sex. nothing special. Love? gone. I'd exist just to be hurt, i'd be a monster. He'd be the end of me. I can't let that happen. I have to stop while i'm at it. I can't keep thinking the fairy tale will come true, no matter how storybook everytime we've gone out or stayed in is. You know? I mean...there is so much more to be put into consideration, but the night was a big wake up call that I needed to stop thinking about that...about him, no matter how much i loved him. Because he's already been tainted, because of whatever. whatever he had together was truly beautiful, but maybe it wasn't entirely real. Maybe he wasn't entirely being true to himself, either during, or after, but i' can't read his mind. He'll be around for awhile. He'll wear a white tuxedo at my wedding, and he'll be there for me when something immenient and disastrous happens, which i feel is close to someone i love. This all hurts allot, but i honestly think it was for the best. I Can't think of him like that. I need to think of him like a brother, that i love, because that's how he truly loves me. And no body would get hurt that way, and things would play themselves out, you know?