(no subject)
i wonder if im being selfish.
selfish for wanting to feel something like that the way i want to.
i mean i have to be selfish,
how can i not.
to feel something that i havent felt in awhile
something i for some reason im starting to miss.
i think that what happens.
i start to miss it and then i go out to try and find it
but i wonder,
why?
who in there right mind wants to cry
who in their right mind wants to feel like breaking down
who wants to listen to sad music and think back
lay under the stars and wish on the brightest one that things will get better.
the answer is no one.
no one wants that,
to feel pain, to have to wish for things to get better,
to strive for things to get better.
to have a selfish pray at night.
but for some reason
for some strange, fucked up reason,
i want that.
i want to lay in that dark room,
i want to cry about something
i want something to cry about.
i want to strive to make something better.
i want to feel pain.
why?
why is it that i feel lost without it?
without having something to complain about
without having something to blame for my actions
maybe its becuase its been my life
maybe because to have none of that is new
too new
i can't explain it
i really wish i could
but for 4 years
for the past four years
my life consisted of wanting a way out
of writings about my love of a boy i lost
about the nights i locked myself in my room too afraid to go downstairs
about breaking the hearts of my best friends, both guys and girls
about dissolving myself to the most extreme states
about puking my brains out from the night before
asking questions about whether or not there is a god,
whether or not life has a meaning
or if things happen for a reason.
i went through the stage of knowing nothing,
to seeing everything
unexpectedly, not ready for any of it
and i wrote it all down
and as i wrote i poured it all out
heart,, soul, mind and body
through built up tears, in anger words
thats when i was myself
thats when i was free to say anything i wanted
thats when i believed everything i said
maybe i miss that
learning through growing
maybe thats what happened.
did i grow up?
and did i succed?
i told myself a long time ago that i would never give up. that he was the one. that one day my life will be perfect, that i will never fall apart even though i felt like it. i believed i wasn't worthless and i knew i had a purpose, but what that was i had no idea, what that was was a far away dream that i could never reach. ive been pulled and torn and put back together only to go through it all again. but ive reached my capacity, and i feel free. what happened when i didnt give up.
he loved me back
he seen the problem
i made memories with them
i learned the worlds greatest mysteries
and i found my purpose
i grew to not have to pour it out,
i grew to let people in
and not over a bottle of booze
ive been influenced by the ones that mean the most
ive been loved
ive felt that love be shattered, torn apart,
but i grew to let go
and they did to
i know the meaning a true friendship
i no longer question the meaning of life
or whether or not god exists
or it all happened for a reason.
i grew up
i guess this is what they mean when they say the best days of your life. Becasue with everythign, with all the shit, with all the pain, with all the challenges that i face in my past, i see it as that. i miss that, and i think i always will. To remember not caring about anything, sitting in my room listening to swing life away as i am doing right now. i remember the days i would clean my room and dress up in all the old clothes i forgot i had and pretend to be the world greatest thing since sliced bread. i remember in grade 9 when i would write emails to mary and ellisa, trying to make it long enough to make it in the record books. it was then that i first started to feel heartache, to feel betrayed, and then again it was when i first felt wanted. it was to forming of ties that changed my life. it was swinging on the swings, it was sitting in tim hortons and watching movies. it was going to boppers and the times when delivering newspapers was my favourite thing about summer. it was when i didnt know the difference between milk and cream was in ice capps. it was when i had no idea what it was like to own a skirt. it was when bikes were the cool way to get around and love was something in movies. it was getting nervous when a boy said my name, it was when i wouldnt shut up when i should have and being too shy to talk when i should have. i was sitting in the back of class and writing notes and playing mad libs on buses and snorting popcorn toppings. it was renting movies everyday and eating all dressed chips like it was a career. it was the best year of my life.
i miss all thats happened in between. when i met rj for the first time, when we became best friends, when i cried over him for days. when i went out with tj. when he told me he loved me. when i killed myself up north. when we broke up and it hurt like hell. and when i got him back. when me and msry went to amherst. when we had muffin fight in the cafe. when i cried in drama. when she said we would also be friends. when we fell apart. when dan had long hair and was known as jfk. when i said i would get his ass by may 5. when i seen him at the park house. when we had two classes and became one of the top people i trust. when chad said something about me. when i went to pour an ice cap on his head. when we walked to mcdonalds from a k of c dance together. when i threw ranch sauce at him. when we became really good friends. when i added tiffany to msn in grade school. when i met her in grade 10. when we had gym. when she talked to me about brandon and went shopping. when she lost touch. when i walked into house. when i hated everyone there and didnt say a word. when a boy and me talked about shoes. when he stole my video camera. when he gave me my kissed kiss. when i ran to the wash room. we he became my first love. my first heart break. and my everything. when i thought jeff was a good guy. when we would talk forever. when he screwed me over. when i made up a boyfriend to make him jelous. when it worked. when we became really good friends to not talking at all. when i had a crush on a boy named sante. when he didnt want me, when i would "stalk" him. when he fell in love with my bestfriend broke her heart and mended it again. when chris was blonde. when he didnt smoke pot. when we would go to the movies every weekend. when he was in my oxley group. when he would tell me things about my bestfriends. when he broke her heart. when he did drugs and broke it even more. when he disappointed me. when i met the best friend of my life. when she gave me bits and bites. when we did papers two times a week. when we'd have sleepovers everyweekend, when she was my shoulder to cry on. when we talked in the park. when we swang there. when we sat at the water tower. when we broke santes bike. when we spooned and made videos. when we drew cartoons and watched salad fingers. when we ate brownies, and listened to potatoe bugs. when she gave me what made the last four years of my life to be the best they could be. the sole person to do that. and i thank her so much.
i could go on through people that have changed and grew through these four years with me. but i would be here forver. and i have a calculus test i should be tudying for, that i can not fail or else i cant go to university. that was nice though. and fetlt good.