Stuck inside a yesterday..
I wish i had some words of wisdom, some topic to discuss thats been building up inside me but theres nothing. nothing that ive been meaning to discuss, to get out in the open becase it kills me to hold it back. I guess its because more or less, with everything that i feel, everything that i may be going through, all of it means nothing because for some awkward and unknown reason im happy with myself and my life. Everything i do, i do it because i want to, not because someone else tells me too, not to try and please someone else, not because im scared of what someone may think of me. I do it all because of how i want to think of myself as, and thats someone whose just themselves despite everyone else. Im not a person who cares about rumours anymore. It actually sickens me, to walk into a room and hear people talking of what happened with specfic individuals at a party. Who had sex with who, who kissed who, who bitched who out. Thats not what that was about, living through other peoples lives, its about coming together as friends, forgetting all the shit that you may have been through with someone before, and just having a blast together. Its not somewhere you go to so you don't miss out on the real life rumours of what went on in someone elses life. Its sad really, to have such a boring life that you have to spend your time living through someone elses you barely even know, to judge them by there actions without knowing at all how they feel about it. I guess its a way of life though, and i don't say I dont ever repeat something that i had heard through someone else, i do, but not to the extent of discussing it to a room full of people who have no idea. Its just funny because i was having this discussion with max the other day on our way back from the movies. And i realised then, that no matter who you say something to, they will eventually tell someone else. So if this is all true, and we all know it becuase we all do it, then how can anyone get mad at someone else for breaking their trust. If they let it out in the first place, how can you get mad? It's your fault in a way, and so do you just never say anything. No i think, you say it, you talk about it, you get help with it and its no longer in your hands, and well if you got what you needed out of telling that one person then who cares what the opinion of everyone else is. I guess this is just my opinion on the subject, becuase after awhile of hearing the opinion of people who care so much about something their not evn involved in, about things they have no idea about, about judging things they believe to be true. Its bullshit, it really is. And i think if people put as much effort into trying to save a poor family in africa as they do in contemplating whats going on in other peoples lives, well then their would be no moer world hunger. What i do, everything i do, and everything i have done, im fucking proud of it and i dont regret a single thing and wouldn't take any of it back, so those people who don't even know, cant even imagine what it is i have or need, or how much better the things i chose to do have made my life, how much closer some of these decisions have brought me to someone else, in different ways, on whole new levels. So when you say, "i can't believe she would do that" when you talk like you know me, or anythign going on with me, it disgusts me. It makes me upset and angry that you try to judge me and talk down about the things that mean more to me then you ever will. Things that you assume to be true, but have no way of even knowing. So all in all, people living there lives as watching a movie, there the ones who have no respect for themselves, and there the ones i have no respect for.