need more brains....
Made it through most of my work day before becoming completely brain dead. I guess that is progress. Only four more days of the work week to go. Joy of all joy.
I have to be honest, I wish there were times I could just quit my job. I know we all have those moments but some days it feels like a real struggle to get my ass up and moving. I resent my coworkers and all there massive amounts of leave they have accured. It is frustrating that it seems like all my personal and vacation leave is dedicated to my health maintenance and upkeep. I just like to take a real vacation. One where I am off for an entire week and it doesn't involve me being mentally ill on short term disability. So frustrating. I can't really count my trip to Texas a vacation although some would argue it was. It was a trip that was necessary to solidify the relationship I have with John and it served its purpose. The trip was too short and resulted in me being out of work more than I intended. Part of that was out of my control considering my car imploded.
So a week ago John and I were gettting ready to to head out to Dallas to put me on a plane home. Hard to believe it has been a week since I last kissed and hugged him. It is so hard to be separated. I'm already going through "love" withdrawal. It sucks because I won't see him for a least 2 1/2 more months. I just hope I can manage not to fuck up our relationship between now and then. The desire to self-destruct was strong toward the end of last week. I tend to take a good thing and think I'm undeserving. I know I would be more miserable w/o him in my life but sometimes my brain just overrides and tries to fuck it all up for me. Between my baggage and the distance I'm just praying we will be able to make it.
*yawn*
It is hard sometimes to not get irritated by his job as a caregiver but it is a part of him that I love b/c he is so giving and caring. If he was a douche I wouldn't love him and wouldn't want to be with him. So... yeah. It just is a complication b/c I told him I rather him relocate here than me pick up my life and move to Texas. My motivation at the time was my famliy and not wanting to leave Maryland--knowing in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't be happy in Texas. Then it dawned on me the other day that I couldn't relocate easily even if I wanted. I would need a job that offered health benefits (esp. since he doesn't have any to add me onto). I would also have to give up my whole treatment team of physicians and what not. That would mean finding a new Rheumatologist and FMS doctor. It is hard to find good doctors who deal with autoimmune conditions that aren't asshats and don't think pain management is just an excuse to get medicated. Aside from that, let's face it. I'm far too democratic, liberal, and non-christian to survive there. I would probably be lynched or burned at the stake within a day of my arrival. :P
So I'm asking a lot of John since I know he will have to find another care provider for "T" and that could take a good bit of time. Also they have history which makes him leaving complicated. He can't just up and leave her to be put back into a nursing home (not that I would want him to do that). She is his best friend and again... they have history so I know leaving her to come here would be hard but he is willing to do it. *sigh* It is just going to take time. Everyone who knows me knows I have NO patience. It would take time for me to relocate too but I feel like it would be easier but not with the underlying health stuff. Right now, that is just one stepping stone in our life together and we just need to make it until the holiday season. I'm hoping to see him in March for my bday. I just hope in a year from now we can not be having to commute via airplane to be together. I know that sounds mighty selfish considering I knew what I was getting into but it is really hard to be separated from the one you love.
O.k.., so I'm babbling. Sue me. Got to kill some more time. Brain is too dead to do anything else. More later... maybe.
I have to be honest, I wish there were times I could just quit my job. I know we all have those moments but some days it feels like a real struggle to get my ass up and moving. I resent my coworkers and all there massive amounts of leave they have accured. It is frustrating that it seems like all my personal and vacation leave is dedicated to my health maintenance and upkeep. I just like to take a real vacation. One where I am off for an entire week and it doesn't involve me being mentally ill on short term disability. So frustrating. I can't really count my trip to Texas a vacation although some would argue it was. It was a trip that was necessary to solidify the relationship I have with John and it served its purpose. The trip was too short and resulted in me being out of work more than I intended. Part of that was out of my control considering my car imploded.
So a week ago John and I were gettting ready to to head out to Dallas to put me on a plane home. Hard to believe it has been a week since I last kissed and hugged him. It is so hard to be separated. I'm already going through "love" withdrawal. It sucks because I won't see him for a least 2 1/2 more months. I just hope I can manage not to fuck up our relationship between now and then. The desire to self-destruct was strong toward the end of last week. I tend to take a good thing and think I'm undeserving. I know I would be more miserable w/o him in my life but sometimes my brain just overrides and tries to fuck it all up for me. Between my baggage and the distance I'm just praying we will be able to make it.
*yawn*
It is hard sometimes to not get irritated by his job as a caregiver but it is a part of him that I love b/c he is so giving and caring. If he was a douche I wouldn't love him and wouldn't want to be with him. So... yeah. It just is a complication b/c I told him I rather him relocate here than me pick up my life and move to Texas. My motivation at the time was my famliy and not wanting to leave Maryland--knowing in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't be happy in Texas. Then it dawned on me the other day that I couldn't relocate easily even if I wanted. I would need a job that offered health benefits (esp. since he doesn't have any to add me onto). I would also have to give up my whole treatment team of physicians and what not. That would mean finding a new Rheumatologist and FMS doctor. It is hard to find good doctors who deal with autoimmune conditions that aren't asshats and don't think pain management is just an excuse to get medicated. Aside from that, let's face it. I'm far too democratic, liberal, and non-christian to survive there. I would probably be lynched or burned at the stake within a day of my arrival. :P
So I'm asking a lot of John since I know he will have to find another care provider for "T" and that could take a good bit of time. Also they have history which makes him leaving complicated. He can't just up and leave her to be put back into a nursing home (not that I would want him to do that). She is his best friend and again... they have history so I know leaving her to come here would be hard but he is willing to do it. *sigh* It is just going to take time. Everyone who knows me knows I have NO patience. It would take time for me to relocate too but I feel like it would be easier but not with the underlying health stuff. Right now, that is just one stepping stone in our life together and we just need to make it until the holiday season. I'm hoping to see him in March for my bday. I just hope in a year from now we can not be having to commute via airplane to be together. I know that sounds mighty selfish considering I knew what I was getting into but it is really hard to be separated from the one you love.
O.k.., so I'm babbling. Sue me. Got to kill some more time. Brain is too dead to do anything else. More later... maybe.