the thoughts swimming in my head
Facebook has become my new time suck and most of the time I write my thoughts down in bits and pieces of hash tag type format or based on a neat "link" to post. It takes time to sit down and write what is on my mind here.
So much has gone on and for a while I didn't really want to write about any of it. I also don't feel like re-hashing any of it. I can say that I'm glad to have the anxiety and constant emotional drama/stress removed from my life. I'm disappointed in how things turned out and sure... it has affected my overall state-of-mind and mood but everyday that goes past helps take some of the emotional triggers and pain away. It will take a good while.
Mostly I'm dealing with major depression for a variety of reasons: situational, seasonal, and chemical. The stuff with "J" certainly took a huge toll and I still struggle with the emotional triggers and fall out to some extent. Again, that is getting better with time and eventually those triggers will lessen or disappear all together. I'm not too "concerned" about that. However, I am concerned about my constant financial struggle since getting out of school (no student loans to buffer income) and I haven't even started student loan repayment. It is the constant I just never seem to have enough money. I made some poor choices back in August/September that have been biting me in the ass (namely a pay day loan) and pushing off some bills that weren't super important and therefore are adding up (mostly the cable bill). It seems like I get paid and I struggle to just get the most important things paid and then something gets left off and then I'm begging my parents for some assistance.
I hate this. I don't make a lot of money when it boils down to it. So that goes into my frustration of the long, annoying, costly commute to go to a job that doesn't take care of all my financial needs and then getting bitter and annoyed that there seems no good way to resolve any of this. Yes, I have applied for two other jobs this year... I never heard a word from either. :/ I'm not overly looking to leave my current job but I need to start thinking about my future and other options because this can't continue to go on. So it starts with financial stuff goes back to the job situation that in turn goes back around to financial stuff and none of this can I can control. Add into the mix seasonal affective disorder and the worse holiday season record for me (between "J" and then having NO financial resources to purchase gifts for the few people in my life). I'm set off by the constant bombardment of news about how much the population has spent already this holiday season. I think... WTF. That much money could do so real good to a lot of people instead of us just consuming more and more and more.
I love gift giving and I don't spend mega amounts of money to do so but it is pretty damn bad when my mom paid for most of my dad's x-mas present (the only one he is getting from me) and then she tells me that I don't have to get her anything because she got a few things to put under the tree from me. *sigh* I did manage to get her two small items that will be a surprise though one isn't too hard to guess at but my father is getting one thing and he already knows what that is. *sigh* It sucks. It is a crappy feeling even if my parents and my BFF are all like we understand and it's o.k. and really please don't get us anything kind of deal. Add into that equation not being able to go to the BFFs holiday party for the first time ever (that I can recall) partly b/c of my mood, the long drive and gas, and being unable to bring anything to exchange for present sharing later. So that added to the suck a few weeks back and still sucks really. The constant "are you ready for the holidays, have you gotten your shopping done, etc." from co-workers; particularly, my project director have only added to the frustration and anger I feel. I'm bitter. I'm like... why are you trying to cheer me up or get me to act like I'm happy when I'm not? I want to shout that it doesn't matter if we get paid soon I still won't have any money, and there is no x-mas shopping to be completed because I' not able to afford to buy gifts for my loved ones this year so NO... I'm not ready and NO I could give a shit less and NO I am not going to be bright and shiny for all you assholes who aren't dealing with what I'm dealing with. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. My therapist is going to work on how to express my feelings without a) showing the world my emotional ass, and b) politely letting people know that I'm going to be a grinch this year so get over it.
That leaves me with the last thing... chemical. I'm on such a low dose of Effexor it isn't even funny. Thankfully the anxiety and lack of desire to eat has abated. I'm on half a 37.5 mg capsule... that is, I'm taking "x" number of granules out every so often. The last little bit will be a bitch and given the situational stuff I haven't been pressed to push my luck with medication withdrawal. I am on 10 mg of Prozac (this is a first) and that was mainly to help ease withdrawal from Effexor but now .... well, now it seems that my depression is really NOT being managed. Granted, I have a lot of things going on that would make most people down and feel less than bright and shiny but it seems like there has to be a bit more chemically I can do to help improve my "mood." So when I see my psychiatrist on Saturday I will ask her. I don't want to get on a nasty SSRI/SSNRI or whatever that makes me wish for death if I forget a dose or I want to eventually come off it. I don't really want to bump the Effexor back up because I want to be off that medication all together! I want to educate myself so I don't just get on any ol' medication and end up like what happened with me being on Effexor for year and year and year... miserable. Either way... I see her Saturday and this will get discussed and hopefully something will change or increase and my "mood" will improve a bit or what little it can improve given everything else.
Therapy isn't much to write home about. We are going to see each other every other week. She is seeing me next week because she is on vacation the week after x-mas. She wants me to record my mood(s) and talk to my psychiatrist and then us discuss things next session. She validates that I'm definitely in a bad way emotionally and for good reason in most cases but that is something that as I continue to be isolated from everyone (by choice, energy, finances, or all the above) isn't helping anything. I know I have blown off things I could have gone and done because I rather sleep or I rather not be around people. I feel isolated and I don't want to be so distanced but it is hard. I don't feel compelled to be out and around people all the time. This Saturday is the thing at The Depot and I liked to go but finances and other things will probably force me to stay home. :( I don't normally go out for NYE for a variety of reasons and even if I wanted to try this year I probably can't afford to. :( It sucks. My life is lived virtually and through conversations with my mother and my BFF. I barely talk to my co-workers and trust me... that is an issue in of itself.
The reality is that things aren't going to change magically on their own and I have to figure out what I can control and what I can work on myself. I guess that is what therapy is for. I can't do much for my mood other than try not to drive my car off the Key Bridge. I feel like the past few months have tainted the whole year and there is a lot this year that was cool and major accomplishments. Maybe things will be better with a clean slate and attitude adjustment between now and the new year.
So that is what has been going on with me. See... aren't you so glad I posted?