And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping...only then may I find peace within the emptiness.
Last night was not a good night. I allowed myself to back slide on personal progress in the name of anxiety and anxiousness. I allowed it to cloud my judgment which brought me to more suffering and hurt. I greeted the morning to find it was a physical reflection of my mood, the depths of my psyche--clouded, gray, dark, muted. I forced myself out of my bed, looking longingly back at the blankets and wishing that they could be some kind of cloak of invisibility I could wrap around myself. I went through the morning routine, feeling numb and aching all at the same time. When I didn't want to think, when I didn't want to share or talk about how I REALLY am, a friend dragged me out of my dark cloud.
Slowly, the day brightened and the colors were not so muted. I felt more functional, remotely human. I was told I need to be strong. Stronger than "them". Stronger than the demons running through my mind, then the people who want to break me down--damage my ego and laugh at my despair. But my fragile ego is full of so many cracks, so many hairline fractures that even the lightest breath upon it has it crumbling to ashes. I disintegrate. But the ashes are stirred, moved, ordered to rise and re-create--find a new manifest, a new hope and reason--in the darkness a flame appears. I re-create myself. I breath life into a new ego. I burn away the negative and rise into a glorious, bright, shining being who loves and will love herself even if no one else will. Who will forgive the past and embrace the future. I rise... spreading my wings and fly, afraid to fall but knowing if I fall to ash again, I will rise once more.
Slowly, the day brightened and the colors were not so muted. I felt more functional, remotely human. I was told I need to be strong. Stronger than "them". Stronger than the demons running through my mind, then the people who want to break me down--damage my ego and laugh at my despair. But my fragile ego is full of so many cracks, so many hairline fractures that even the lightest breath upon it has it crumbling to ashes. I disintegrate. But the ashes are stirred, moved, ordered to rise and re-create--find a new manifest, a new hope and reason--in the darkness a flame appears. I re-create myself. I breath life into a new ego. I burn away the negative and rise into a glorious, bright, shining being who loves and will love herself even if no one else will. Who will forgive the past and embrace the future. I rise... spreading my wings and fly, afraid to fall but knowing if I fall to ash again, I will rise once more.