The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most so I'll bit my tounge til it bleeds...
I'm not going to do the usual so... Things have been pretty ok lately. I dunno school sucks so much and everyday i go there i just want someone to tell me if i am really alive. I hung out with Stephanie last night and its crazy how we are. Even when I don't see her or speak to her in 10 months, we manage to get right back to being the same way we were in 6th grade...i love it. I think it is the only friendship I have managed to keep real. We are planning a trip to Australia for this summer and I am super stoked!! we are doing super seriouse planning. I just feel like I found someone who knows me and who won't just fill me with bullshit. So yeah we went to McD's yesterday and this lady was like charging us for like 444,000 million dollars worth of food when all we wanted was a number one and some fries...it was so funny. She was like sorry I'm just really tired...yeah tired from all the crack shes been smoking. Its so crazy. 11 more days until I get my license...I can't wait. I have been trying to keep busy and not spend my time alone because i find that when i do i get seriously depressed and sad. So yeah... today we are giong to do some planning about our trip and probably watch some movies. Toay was the first day I have ever drank coffee...weird. Well I am going to leave you all with these lyrics. They apply to someone...hmmmm...guess who...?
Just Enough To Love You
Push out from the darkness to a sky thats colored blue Somewhere someone's finding happiness while I'm still here so hung up on you Nothing is real and I want you to know that I'm not alright Tear open my chest I'll try not to flinch I won't make promises You taught me that I'm still losing whats left of my self esteem I'm still watching the slow fading of all my daydreams The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most so I'll bite my tounge until it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else I've been tricked for so long by you I've spent these last few months in my own hell A failed apology a day too late but now I see that all you really want is to see me dangle neck first from a tree But what would you need me for? You've got friends galore All you'll ever be to me is a waste of time and nothing more I hate myself for loving you like this I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you, just enough to love you.
OK... I just want to tell him everything I feel and let him know how bad he hurt me. He knocked me straight off my feet. He has no idea how much it kills me everytime he talks to me or even looks at me. Let me get over you. Let me heal up my ripped up emotions. Just back off. If you want to be friends then be my friend. If you want to keep me chasing you I won't be able to keep up. I can't follow you around and watch you talk to other people the way you used to talk to me. I just feel like I am trying so hard to be mature and not to hurt him but all i am doing is hurting myself. I feel like he is playing the jealous game and the only reason I don't play back is because I would never want him to feel the way I do. Because everyday I wake up not wanting to. And everyday I go to sleep hoping that for once I will wake up without a flaming ball of emotions burning in my chest. He has no idea what it is like for me to come to school and know that I completely disappear.. I become invisible... I barely speak mostly because I have nothing to say... and even if i did...no one would listen. I wish I could put this pain inside his chest and he could realize that it is challenging to wake up and be who I'm not. Whatever. I am so pissed and mad....all together hurt. There is nothing I can do. Well yeah Peace out.
Love always,
Alana Leah
Just Enough To Love You
Push out from the darkness to a sky thats colored blue Somewhere someone's finding happiness while I'm still here so hung up on you Nothing is real and I want you to know that I'm not alright Tear open my chest I'll try not to flinch I won't make promises You taught me that I'm still losing whats left of my self esteem I'm still watching the slow fading of all my daydreams The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most so I'll bite my tounge until it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else I've been tricked for so long by you I've spent these last few months in my own hell A failed apology a day too late but now I see that all you really want is to see me dangle neck first from a tree But what would you need me for? You've got friends galore All you'll ever be to me is a waste of time and nothing more I hate myself for loving you like this I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you, just enough to love you.
OK... I just want to tell him everything I feel and let him know how bad he hurt me. He knocked me straight off my feet. He has no idea how much it kills me everytime he talks to me or even looks at me. Let me get over you. Let me heal up my ripped up emotions. Just back off. If you want to be friends then be my friend. If you want to keep me chasing you I won't be able to keep up. I can't follow you around and watch you talk to other people the way you used to talk to me. I just feel like I am trying so hard to be mature and not to hurt him but all i am doing is hurting myself. I feel like he is playing the jealous game and the only reason I don't play back is because I would never want him to feel the way I do. Because everyday I wake up not wanting to. And everyday I go to sleep hoping that for once I will wake up without a flaming ball of emotions burning in my chest. He has no idea what it is like for me to come to school and know that I completely disappear.. I become invisible... I barely speak mostly because I have nothing to say... and even if i did...no one would listen. I wish I could put this pain inside his chest and he could realize that it is challenging to wake up and be who I'm not. Whatever. I am so pissed and mad....all together hurt. There is nothing I can do. Well yeah Peace out.
Love always,
Alana Leah