Snowfall, Cameron, and These Feelings
I LOVE DESTINY!!-Cameron.
So I spent almost the entire weekend with my boyfriend, Cameron. He's the sweetest person I've ever met. I'm so glad I have him. He understands me and accepts me for the unusual person I am. He told me a few days ago that no matter what, if I wanted to change my gender or do anything else, he would still love me and be with me. :] How sweet. I know I've only been with him for a bit, but I've known him so long that I feel like we've been lovers forever. He's perfect.
It snowed on Friday at around 4 or so. It was so cool. Cameron came over and he cheered me up because I was upset about society (See last post)then we went outside and played in the snow. n-n He's so cheesy and sweet. He wrote 'I love u' in the snow. How lazy. Couldn't add two more letters. But I loved it. It made me squee inside. I love how I have to stand on my tiptoes to put my arms around his neck comfortably. I felt like I was on top of the world that night. The snow falling around us and nestling softly in our hair as I bury my face in his chest will forever be etched into my mind. We threw snow at each other and played around for a bit before we started to freeze, then went inside.
Later that night, we ended up "doing it" for the most part. It was only for a bit because we didn't have protection and it hurt me a lot. I didn't mean for it to go that far, actually. He did just have his fingers in there, then before I knew it or could say no, he went further. I don't regret it, though. I just wish he would have asked or something first. It sorta made me feel like I wasn't good enough to have a say in things. I didn't deny him though, so I guess he thought it was ok. I did get kinda upset the next day though since what he was saying seemed like his reasoning was that I 'didn't say no'. I'm not quite sure if I want to jump into a physical relationship with him so soon though. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight or tomorrow. I would do anything for him and if he thinks we're ready, and I agree, then we will continue. I'm going to have to think about it alot. I feel like I want to do anything and everything for him, but then I don't want to give him everything and have him leave me. Especially since I'm already so attached. I need to stop being so wary of people, but I'm always so afraid to be abandoned in the end. That's why I've never truly opened up to anyone fully in my life. I trust him and I want him to be that person that helps me to change my mindset so that I can open up to him fully and not hide behind my wall of apathy.
On Saturday, we lazed about then went to the mall to Christmas shop. It was fun holding his hand and eating strawberry pocky while we walked around. :] He got to stay another night on Saturday, but we just watched Men In Black and cuddled. I enjoyed being with him sexually, but I also enjoy the emotional side of things.
I'm scared of sex. It makes you emotionally and physically vulnerable to your partner. I'm scared to let anyone see me so bare (both emotionally and physically) when I'm like that, I won't have any walls to protect me from the raw emotions that overflow my mind. Those strong emotions frighten me. I don't want anyone to witness them, but then there's that tiny part of me that wants someone to see what I truly feel. I want to dig down and grasp that tiny piece. I want to be able to let him know how I feel, not how I feel after the walls muffle the strong feelings. I want him to see the pure, unfiltered emotions that I do have, but don't show often. I want him to be the first to witness all of the raw emotions, not just the negative ones that explode when I smother them. I don't want to smother these feelings any longer.
So I spent almost the entire weekend with my boyfriend, Cameron. He's the sweetest person I've ever met. I'm so glad I have him. He understands me and accepts me for the unusual person I am. He told me a few days ago that no matter what, if I wanted to change my gender or do anything else, he would still love me and be with me. :] How sweet. I know I've only been with him for a bit, but I've known him so long that I feel like we've been lovers forever. He's perfect.
It snowed on Friday at around 4 or so. It was so cool. Cameron came over and he cheered me up because I was upset about society (See last post)then we went outside and played in the snow. n-n He's so cheesy and sweet. He wrote 'I love u' in the snow. How lazy. Couldn't add two more letters. But I loved it. It made me squee inside. I love how I have to stand on my tiptoes to put my arms around his neck comfortably. I felt like I was on top of the world that night. The snow falling around us and nestling softly in our hair as I bury my face in his chest will forever be etched into my mind. We threw snow at each other and played around for a bit before we started to freeze, then went inside.
Later that night, we ended up "doing it" for the most part. It was only for a bit because we didn't have protection and it hurt me a lot. I didn't mean for it to go that far, actually. He did just have his fingers in there, then before I knew it or could say no, he went further. I don't regret it, though. I just wish he would have asked or something first. It sorta made me feel like I wasn't good enough to have a say in things. I didn't deny him though, so I guess he thought it was ok. I did get kinda upset the next day though since what he was saying seemed like his reasoning was that I 'didn't say no'. I'm not quite sure if I want to jump into a physical relationship with him so soon though. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight or tomorrow. I would do anything for him and if he thinks we're ready, and I agree, then we will continue. I'm going to have to think about it alot. I feel like I want to do anything and everything for him, but then I don't want to give him everything and have him leave me. Especially since I'm already so attached. I need to stop being so wary of people, but I'm always so afraid to be abandoned in the end. That's why I've never truly opened up to anyone fully in my life. I trust him and I want him to be that person that helps me to change my mindset so that I can open up to him fully and not hide behind my wall of apathy.
On Saturday, we lazed about then went to the mall to Christmas shop. It was fun holding his hand and eating strawberry pocky while we walked around. :] He got to stay another night on Saturday, but we just watched Men In Black and cuddled. I enjoyed being with him sexually, but I also enjoy the emotional side of things.
I'm scared of sex. It makes you emotionally and physically vulnerable to your partner. I'm scared to let anyone see me so bare (both emotionally and physically) when I'm like that, I won't have any walls to protect me from the raw emotions that overflow my mind. Those strong emotions frighten me. I don't want anyone to witness them, but then there's that tiny part of me that wants someone to see what I truly feel. I want to dig down and grasp that tiny piece. I want to be able to let him know how I feel, not how I feel after the walls muffle the strong feelings. I want him to see the pure, unfiltered emotions that I do have, but don't show often. I want him to be the first to witness all of the raw emotions, not just the negative ones that explode when I smother them. I don't want to smother these feelings any longer.