When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ....uphill
BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda. And I remember
promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like ( Read more... )

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor ( Read more... )

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"  I turned around and walked back out and ( Read more... )

source: the_nightwing69
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary ( Read more... )

source: the_nightwing69
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas
dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she
is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to
her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her ( Read more... )

source: the_nightwing69

This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.  He guesses there must be thousands
of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass ( Read more... )

source: the_nightwing69

These will make you smile...
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood:)

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
   They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
   You Boil The Hell Out Of ( Read more... )

Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation ( Read more... )

Source: Mantaray Ocean

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting ( Read more... )

Source:
( Read more... )