A REPRIEVE [1/2]
TITLE: A Reprieve [1/2]
Author: ailaling1017
Genre: angst, romance,
Warning/s: yaoi, language, MPREG
Disclaimer: Kyuhyun and Sungmin belong to each other.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: KyuMin; friendship!MinWook; implied!HaeHyuk; implied!SiChul; implied!KangTeuk; implied!YeWook
Verse: alternate
Type/Status: Two-Shot; Complete, 9,948W
Summary: It may be too late for a do-over, but perhaps, they can start all over.
A/N: A sequel Sad Fate and A Sadder Fate
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ATE GEM scribbled_gem! Sorry this is late. I got carried away kaya napahaba siya ng bongga.T^T
~
Six months.
Six months since that one fateful Sunday morning when Sungmin saw the little positive sign stare up at him mockingly.
Six months since he told Kyuhyun that they should have a talk, a real talk, with words, this time.
Six months since Kyuhyun merely shrugged, like he always did, and resumed his game on his laptop.
Six months since Sungmin's pent up emotions got the better of him and his tears finally broke like a dam.
Six months since Kyuhyun tried to shush him with his mouth on his, forcing him into submission.
Six months since Sungmin pushed Kyuhyun away, not falling for any of Kyuhyun's games, for the first time.
Six months since Sungmin confronted Kyuhyun about his infidelity with his boss, to which the younger just scowled and didn't say a word in return.
Six months since Sungmin threatened Kyuhyun to explain or else he was going to leave him.
Six months since Kyuhyun chose to keep silent and ignore his lover's demands for an explanation.
Six months since Sungmin finally decided that he had had enough as he packed his bags and left through their front door without so much as a backward glance, dragging the crying Changmin with him.
Six months since Kyuhyun just watched Sungmin's retreating back from where he was seated on the couch, unable to run after the love of his life, no matter how much he wanted to.
Six months since Sungmin hoped that his absence finally makes Kyuhyun realize that he loved him back.
Six months since Sungmin had been left disappointed, just like he had been with everything that had something to do with his love for Kyuhyun.
Six months since Sungmin realized that Kyuhyun will never ever chase after him, no matter what.
Six months since that bitter realization hit Sungmin like a bullet, a feeling of numbness creeping onto his system.
Six months since Sungmin's fragile heart broke into pieces.
Six long months.
Sungmin had been pregnant, yet again, for six months now.
~
Sungmin heaved a sigh as he rubbed his burgeoning belly. It was a habit he acquired ever since his baby bump became noticeable. He did it when he was pregnant with Changmin too. He merely shrugged. All pregnant women tended to do that anyway, never mind that he was a man. Whatever.
Sungmin stared longingly out the window which showed the picturesque view of Seoul at night time, mind flying to that one person he missed the most. He smiled bitterly to himself. He was somewhat sure that his yearning was yet again, one-sided. He was quite convinced that Kyuhyun would’ve moved on by now. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised if divorce papers arrive at their, no, Ryeowook’s front door, any time soon.
Sungmin and Changmin had been staying at Ryeowook’s condo since the break up. Sungmin didn’t have anywhere else to go to, having been orphaned when he was still in middle school. Kyuhyun was his only family, well, he was supposed to be anyway.
When Changmin came into their lives, Sungmin thought that everything would finally fall into place. He had stupidly believed that the addition of the little angel into their life would make things turn for the better; that it would finally melt the icy demeanor Kyuhyun had. After all, most of the cold people he knew tended to change when they finally had their own offspring. Just like how Kyuhyun's Heechul noona didn’t seem to be so much of a diva, like before, after she had Taemin with her long time boyfriend Siwon; or how his Youngwoon hyung gave up his old ways after Hongki came into his and his wife, Leeteuk’s, life; or how his dongsaeng Henry finally started to act mature when Amber gave birth to Jonghyun. The list went on and on.
Sungmin wondered what he had to do to be a part of that list - for him and Kyuhyun to be a part of that list.
Sungmin wondered what could have happened had he not left that particular Sunday morning, six months ago. He had so many what ifs running on his mind. What if he told Kyuhyun that he was pregnant yet again? Would Kyuhyun have welcomed the news of his second pregnancy? What if he asked Kyuhyun to prioritize him over his game? Would Kyuhyun have shut his laptop lid and paid him heed? What if he told Kyuhyun that he really didn’t mind him cheating with his boss before, as long as he doesn’t do it again? Would Kyuhyun have been grateful for the forgiveness he had so freely given? What if he didn’t push Kyuhyun away when the younger had kissed him? Would Kyuhyun have ended up making love to him? Not just sex, but something more than the carnal tryst they so often had. What if he told Kyuhyun he loved him for the umpteenth time and asked him if he felt the same? Would Kyuhyun have told him that he loved him back?
Sungmin felt a tear slide down on his cheek as he ceased the movement of his hand over his belly. His heart ached as he realized the answers to all his what ifs even before he had the chance to make them happen.
No.
Kyuhyun merely gave him a forced smile that made him look as if he was in pain when the doctor announced that they were expecting. Why would a second pregnancy excite him in any way? Surely, the younger would just think of Sandeul, yes, he already named the baby in his tummy, as an additional mouth to feed - a burden, just like how he seemed to think of Changmin and Sungmin himself.
No.
Of course not. Starcraft had always been, and will always be, more important than Sungmin to Kyuhyun. He always stayed up late killing who knows what on his computer when he wouldn’t even wait up for Sungmin’s arrival whenever he ran late from work. Sungmin’s heart ached once more as he realized how a video game held more worth than him in his own husband’s heart.
No.
Kyuhyun obviously cheated for some reason. Whatever the reason was, Sungmin would never know. But one thing was for sure: Kyuhyun wasn’t the least bit apologetic. If he was, he would’ve had said sorry a long time ago. What was the use of giving his forgiveness anyway when the other wasn’t even asking for it in the first place?
No.
Sungmin had long since accepted the fact that Kyuhyun would never make love to him. Sex was a given, but it wasn’t called making love for nothing. How could he be when he never showed even an ounce of tenderness to Sungmin whenever they did the deed? Kyuhyun was never a passionate lover. Just like his personality, he went straight to the point, no pun intended. Sure, it would satiate their carnal cravings and would always end in one hell of an orgasm, but Sungmin couldn’t feel the connection he supposed one should feel in such an intimate act with his partner. What was sex without love anyway? They were married for fuck’s sake.
Then again, just like marriage, sex is all about taking turns in giving and receiving. And if their marriage was a result of one-sided love in the first place, then there’s no wonder the sex was just about the same. Just like their marriage, their love-making, if it could even be called that, was empty - just like how Kyuhyun’s heart seemed to be.
No.
Kyuhyun would never ever love him back.
Sungmin’s tears were freely flowing by this time. He barely registered the opening and closing of the door as Ryeowook arrived from work, padding across the living room and jolting Sungmin out of his reveries with a pat on the shoulder.
“Minnie. I told you not to think about him too much. Didn’t you hear what the doctor said? It’s bad for the baby when you get stressed. Just let it go for now, yes?” Ryeowook’s voice was barely above a whisper, as if afraid that what he said would only cause more tears to his friend, which expectedly, did.
“You don’t understand! It’s so easy for you to say that because you never really liked Kyuhyun since the beginning. Funny though, you’re right. He’s nothing but a worthless piece of shit who did nothing but cause me pain. But the thing is, he means so much to me. I just… I love him so much. I-I-I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Help me, Wookie.” Sungmin erupted; slumping into Ryeowook’s outstretched arms as he allowed himself to crumble.
Ryeowook knew better than to take offense in Sungmin’s words. He understood his best friend’s sentiments for he himself knew how it felt to love; to love somebody to the point that you sacrifice your own happiness just so that somebody can be happy too; to be able to recognize that special someone’s imperfections yet still be able to see through all that and love them despite everything; to be so deeply, madly in love, that enduring is all you can do to keep said love; to be willing to take what you can get as long as you’re with that one person that would make all the sufferings worthwhile.
Ryeowook could only be thankful that Yesung wasn’t the least bit like Kyuhyun. Sure, his lover was not that much of an intellectual person but what he lacked in acumen, he made up for with his caring personality. Ryeowook knew that he was far from perfect and Yesung was, too. But together, they were perfect. This is why Ryeowook felt so bad for his friend. Because while he knew how to love just like Sungmin, Sungmin never felt how it is to be loved back like he did. Kyuhyun will never make Sungmin feel the way Yesung did to him.
Sungmin continued to sob onto the smaller man’s shoulder as he buried his face onto the younger’s neck, his cries gradually getting louder in volume. Ryeowook let him cling to his shirt like it was his life line, knowing fully well that it might as well have been. Sungmin had always been strong and not once did Ryeowook see him cry in the several years that they spent as friends. Yet, as he saw his best friend’s tears, face contorted from too much anguish and pain, so broken and frail; it made Ryeowook wonder just how much Sungmin really had to go through for his once jolly friend to turn into the lifeless shell of the person he used to be.
Ryeowook felt as if some of Sungmin’s pain transferred to him from where the elder was clutching at the front of his shirt. That was the only logical explanation since Ryeowook felt as if his heart was being pricked by tiny needles, just right where Sungmin’s fingers indirectly touched him over his shirt. Sungmin’s every cry seemed to amplify said pain in his heart and no sooner was he sobbing together with his friend, unable to do anything but be there for him when he clearly needed him the most, wanting nothing more than to alleviate even an ounce of Sungmin’s pain if he could; not able to do anything than to cling back to the man he considered as his brother.
Ryeowook rubbed small circles on the elder’s back as he tried to halt his tears, the stubborn droplets of saline never ceasing to fall from his eyes. Still, he carried on for that was all he could do. Unfortunately, that one person who could cure Sungmin’s pain didn’t seem to care about his best friend’s misery. Ryeowook felt a surge of fury for the man in question. He wanted to punch him, kick him, kill him. Yet he knew that there was really nothing he could do to make that stupid man love his friend back if he really didn’t. After all, it is true when they said that love can’t be bought. Stupid ironies of life, he bitterly thought.
Both of them stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, cherishing the companionable silence as they poured their hearts out like the way only real friends do. They were, however, jolted from their reveries when a sharp cry suddenly sounded from the general direction of the guest room, the room Sungmin and Changmin had been staying at for the past six months.
“Changminnie---Ow!” Sungmin clutched his stomach at the sudden pain, his eyebrows furrowed in concern for both of his children.
“Are you okay!?” Ryeowook asked Sungmin, flustered at the fast turn of events.
“I’m fine. It’s just a kick - a strong kick. Changmin… Can you check on him for me please?” Sungmin assured as he slumped on the nearest chair, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.
“O-Okay. Wait here.” Ryeowook hastily replied and ran to the room, coming back not long after with Changmin whose face was tear-stricken.
“Hey Changminnie. What’s the matter, baby?” Sungmin cooed as Ryeowook placed the little boy on his lap.
“I-I-I dreamt that Daddy Kyunnie was inside this white box with a glass on top and he didn’t open his eyes like he usually did even when Changminnie shouted his name over and over again like how it was when I woke him up for work before. Then Mommy Minnie came to carry me away and told me that Daddy Kyunnie is dead and wouldn’t wake up anymore and wouldn’t be with us ever again and Changminnie is so so sad because Changminnie loves Daddy Kyunnie and no one’s gonna play Starcraft with Changminnie anymore and… and… Mommy! I miss Daddy Kyunnie. Let’s go home!” The three-year-old muttered in between sobs, bringing a fresh wave of tears to Sungmin's eyes.
“Hush baby. It was just a bad dream. Daddy Kyunnie’s not dead, but we still can’t go home since Daddy is busy and you know he gets distracted easily by noise. Sorry dear. We wouldn’t want Daddy to be angry now, would we?” Sungmin patiently explained, his tears streaming on his cheeks while Changmin wasn't any better.
“But… But… Mommy! Daddy said that he likes it when I sing to him because I took after his singing voice… and… and… Daddy always takes breaks in between working… What if Daddy’s bored on his breaks? No one will sing to him anymore. Or what if Daddy gets tired? No one will massage him like Mommy does anymore. We have to go home, Mommy!” Little Changmin flailed his pudgy arms, hoping to get his message across. He knew they needed to go home. His daddy needs them.
“Sweetie... Just go back to sleep. You have day care early tomorrow.” Sungmin said as he set his son down on the floor.
“Exactly! I want Daddy to bring me to day care like he used to! I’m not sleeping until we get back home.” Little Changmin pouted, crossing his arms over his chest in indignation.
“Cho Changmin, go inside the room now or else you will be spanked. Understand?” Sungmin chided, his patience thinning as his son’s words stirred his emotions once again.
“No Mommy! You’re a liar! We’re not really on vacation, are we!? My classmate told me that vacations are only for a short period of time and we’ve been here for… for… I don’t know how many days or months… but we’ve been here for a very long time. I miss my Daddy! I wanna go home!” Little Changmin stomped his feet as more tears welled up on his eyes, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy.
“Fine! Your Daddy is dead. He’s never going to come back. We’re never gonna go home. Deal with it!” Sungmin exploded, immediately regretting his words as soon as Changmin stopped crying and his lips wibbled as he processed what Sungmin had told him.
“Mommy you’re bad! I hate you! Daddy is not dead! I love my Daddy. Take me home to Daddy! I want my Daddy!” Little Changmin all but screamed as soon as he recovered, running to the room as fast as his little legs could carry him, snapping the door behind him with a bang.
“Changminnie! Wait!” Sungmin hurried after his son, banging on the door as it was locked.
Just then, Sungmin felt his phone vibrate on his pocket. He instinctively reached for the gadget and answered it, not minding to look at the caller ID.
“Sungmin! Thank goodness you immediately answered!” The frantic voice from the other end of the line made Sungmin feel a jolt on his stomach, and it’s not the baby’s kick either.
“M-Mom? Why? What happened?” Sungmin squeaked, too afraid of the answer.
“Kyuhyunnie… He was found unconscious in your house about ten minutes ago. They said he overdosed on sleeping pills. The hospital people called me since they failed to contact your number which was number one on Kyuhyun’s accountable persons' list. His father and I are on our way to Seoul National Hospi---“ His mother-in-law’s voice got cut as Sungmin lost his grip on his phone, the gadget shattering as it reached the floor.
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Ryeowook asked cautiously as he eyed Sungmin who seemed frozen on the spot.
“Kyuhyunnie --- Suicide --- Hospital --- Wookie ---“ Sungmin gasped incoherently, the panic getting the better of him as he wheezed with every inhalation, finding it harder to breathe by the minute.
Ryeowook was quick to put two and two and was in no time dragging the still shaken Sungmin out of the condo unit with Changmin wrapped securely in his arms.
~
Sungmin gazed longingly at the figure from the other side of the window panel of the ICU. Six months may be considered a short time but it clearly caused so much change on Kyuhyun. The man he loved laid on the pristine white sheets of the hospital bed, as pale as the sheets itself. Kyuhyun’s once chubby cheeks were no longer that way, the mounds which Sungmin used to pinch in fondness replaced by the hollowness below Kyuhyun’s now prominent cheek bones. Kyuhyun was never muscular but Sungmin didn’t remember him being this lanky, he did, after all, feed him well. Now, the man looked emaciated, gaunt, sullen, lifeless.
At the back of his mind, Sungmin felt as if he was the one to blame. Perhaps, he wasn’t the only one who suffered during the time they spent apart. He began to question himself about his decision. He couldn’t help but think that he may have misconstrued things. That he may have been too absorbed in his own pain to realize that Kyuhyun wasn’t faring any better. As he recalled stuff, he slowly became aware of the memories he had with Kyuhyun - the happy memories he had with Kyuhyun.
The electrocardiogram by the wall kept blinking faintly, displaying Kyuhyun’s vital signs which were getting weaker by the minute. Sungmin couldn’t help the tears that fell from his eyes as he recalled the doctor’s words from about half an hour ago. It turned out that Kyuhyun, as Sungmin learned, had attempted to kill himself with sleeping pills. The doctor had explained that it would’ve been better if Kyuhyun was at his optimal state of health but it seemed that he wasn’t. According to his results, Kyuhyun already had an electrolyte imbalance long before the suicide attempt, and it didn’t help that the drug’s level on his blood had already been high even before he overdosed. The number of pills he took had been enough to finally shut down his kidneys, leaving him with nothing but the dialysis machine to filter his blood - it was his life line at the moment, literally. A kidney transplant is needed if Kyuhyun was to survive, and yet, the risks are sky high. Sungmin was now faced with a dilemma. Kyuhyun’s parents had been devastated that aside from their old age, they weren’t allowed as donors since neither of them were a match for Kyuhyun. Sungmin, however, was a match. But the risks that came with his pregnancy was too great that he wasn’t sure if he was willing to risk it. Sungmin was jolted out of his reveries when a nurse clad in pink scrubs tapped him on the back, gaining his attention.
“Mister Lee Sungmin?”
“Yes?”
“Are you Mister Cho’s husband?”
“Uh… Yeah.”
“Here are his clothes, jewelry, and other personal belongings that we’ve found in his pocket. If you could just sign here then you’d be able to get it for safe-keeping.”
The nurse then handed him a waiver form wherein he affixed his signature without much thought. He received the clothes with one hand and the Ziploc on the other, staring curiously at its contents. Inside were some loose change, a pack of gum, a pen, Kyuhyun’s shades, a small diary, the necklace Sungmin gave him on their first year wedding anniversary, and a ring - their wedding ring.
Sungmin couldn’t help but feel somewhat elated despite the circumstances they were in. He made his way to the nearest bench and sat himself, setting Kyuhyun’s clothes beside him as he turned his attention towards the contents of the plastic. He turned his palm down and stared at his very own wedding ring. Just like him, Kyuhyun didn’t seem to have the heart to take it off after all. This somehow gave him a sense of reassurance; it was a just a small thing, almost irrelevant, but it made him happy that Kyuhyun still carried a piece of him everyday.
As he opened the plastic, he immediately reached for the small black diary. It wasn’t anything extravagant; it was plain black in color, nothing out of the ordinary;simple, just like how Kyuhyun liked his things to be. Sungmin didn’t know why but there was just something at the back of his mind that seemed to push him to open the diary. He had never been one to meddle in Kyuhyun’s business, much less not nose around Kyuhyun’s belongings. Then again, the urge was so great that he figured this one time wouldn’t hurt. It’s not like Kyuhyun would know anyway. So, with nimble fingers, he pried the diary open. He was welcomed with Kyuhyun’s personal information, all the data in there were things Sungmin already knew by heart. Still, he couldn’t help the skip in his heartbeat as he saw that his name, was indeed, listed first on Kyuhyun’s list of people to contact in case of emergency. He didn’t know why he felt that way; he was, after all, Kyuhyun’s husband. It was only normal for him to be listed there. Still, Sungmin considered it something special.
He cautiously leafed to the next page and was surprised when something fell from in between the pages. He hastily picked up the object by reflex and was stunned to find that it was a photograph. He felt his tears fall once more as he flipped the polaroid, seeing his and Changmin’s face look up at him with identical grins on their faces, pink icing soiling their cheeks. It had been Kyuhyun who took the picture during Changmin’s first birthday. In fact, he wondered where the picture had been. It turned out that Kyuhyun had kept it for himself, after all. Sungmin can’t help but mutter “dork” under his breath. He could’ve just said he wanted a picture of them for himself. Why did he have to keep it a secret? Kyuhyun really puzzled Sungmin.
He tucked the picture safely back into the Ziploc to prevent himself from losing it and turned to another page, eyes growing wide as he saw what looked like hastily written words in Kyuhyun’s messy scrawl. His eyebrows unconsciously raised as he took notice of the day on top of the journal entry. It dated back to their college days.
June 20, 2003
Dear Diary,
I bought you today. I shall name you Dubu! My old one, Jjong, just got full and I thought that, hey, it’s my first day in university today. Might as well start anew!
Can you believe it diary? After slaving for four years in high school, here I am finally! It feels so good! I wonder if I meet new friends here. Remember Youngwoon hyung? You know… my weird best friend? The one who spent three years as a senior in high school that we became classmates despite the big age difference. Well, he’s going to another university. It makes me sad, actually. I know I’m gonna miss him. But don’t tell him that, okay? I’d never see the end of it once he knows.
Jonghyun’s going back to his hometown too. He’s gonna stop schooling for a while since his dad’s sick. I feel sorry for him, actually. I wish I could help him but there’s nothing else I can do. I’m on a full scholarship myself.
Aish. It’s a sad, sad life.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin couldn’t help but grin at his husband’s cuteness. He never thought Kyuhyun had this side to him even if the other had always been a dork. Who knew he expressed himself better in writing? He smiled as he turned to the next page and no sooner was he engrossed in reading Kyuhyun’s diary entries.
June 28, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Hi Dubu! It’s been a week since I started university. I still have a lot to learn and I definitely still need some adjusting, but all in all, everything’s pretty much cool! And yeah, I met this cool kid, Kibum in Trigonometry class. We get along pretty well although I get confused when he speaks to me in English.
And oh, my roommate Yesung, he’s so weird. He brought a pet turtle with him so he won’t be lonely but I don’t really understand how the turtle can cheer him up. Although I find it creepy, I really can’t complain to the dorm manager because the turtle doesn’t really make noise so I have no excuse. Whatever!
And you know what? The dorm food sucks. Even Heechul noona’s cooking is better than this! Dorm life is so horrible! I’m in a hurry now since I have to clean my room.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
August 29, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Oh my god, Dubu. I’m so sorry I haven’t written in so long! I’ve been so caught up with school work that I haven’t had the time to sit down and relax.
Anyway, the past two months have been a blur. I gained another friend. His name is Donghae. I met him in Zoology class. He does seem a little out of it at times but he’s cool. He’s particularly interested in ichthyology and I think that he’d make a good ichthyologist someday. After all, how many people could name every species of fish in the world, anyway?
Oh well, I have a group meeting for Research in five minutes. That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
October 25, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Hey Dubu! I know I haven’t told you this yet but I told Jjong before that I believe in fate. I’m not being emotional or anything. I just thought I wanted to let you know. I’ve been thinking lately if I would find my soulmate here in this university. That’s why I get nervous whenever I eat in the cafeteria. What if I already bumped into him but didn’t see his face? Or what if I turned a corner just when he walked into the corridor? Or what if he was tying his shoelaces when I passed by?
Aish I’m too young to worry about these things. I just wanted you to know anyway.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
November 18, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Dubu! The semester’s about to end and the deadlines are killing me! Just wanted to drop by and say hi! Sorry it’s short but I have to go now.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
December 10, 2003
Dear Dubu,
I hate Lee fucking Donghae.
I mean, I don’t really hate hate him but I really want to wipe him off the face of the earth right now.
Why did he sign me up for an intermission number on the Yuletide ball!? I love to sing but I only do that in the shower! Well, except when I was a kid, I sang for the boys’ choir at church but that was because dad told me so.
Help me Dubu! All year levels are gonna be there. I think I’m going to die of embarrassment.
Aish Donghae’s calling me for practice. I hate that fish.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
December 15, 2003
Dear Dubu,
OH.MY.GOD.
Dubu!
I’ve told you about how I believed in fate right? Would you believe that I met him today!? When I was performing on stage, I saw this cute guy sitting on the front rows. I am totally smitten I don’t even know why. Oh wait, I know why. His fox-like eyes bore into mine as if we had some connection. I just know it! We’re meant for each other. Too bad I don’t know him though. He must be an upperclassman. I remember the print on his pink shirt though! It was a white playboy bunny logo.
I have to get to know him.
And… I didn’t know I’d be saying this but, I fucking love Lee Donghae for signing me up!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
February 1, 2004
Dear Dubu,
Things pretty much got out of hand after Christmas break that I basically had no time to write. Anyway, do you still remember that guy I told you about? My soulmate?
Guess who knows his name!?
I do!!! =)))
It turns out, Donghae knew him since he was friends with the sophomore chick he’s dating, Hyukjae. He has such a lovely name. It suits his angelic face.
I think I’m in love.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at the entry. Kyuhyun loved somebody? He felt a pang of jealousy hit his chest. Who could’ve been so lucky to gain Kyuhyun’s love? He figured there’s only one way to find out so he read on.
February 23, 2004
Dear Dubu,
I read my last entry. How stupid of me! I forgot to tell you his name!
It’s a really pretty name!
Lee Sungmin.
See? It’s such a beautiful name, right? But he is more beautiful than his name.
I don’t think I’m in love anymore. I know I’m in love.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin couldn’t believe his eyes. Kyuhyun loved him? He didn’t even know Kyuhyun existed until his junior year. He couldn’t stop reading now even if he wanted to.
March 16, 2004
Today’s the least class of my freshman year in college. Can you believe it Dubu? Time flies.
I’m so excited to go onto my sophomore year. I managed to maintain my scholarship. Yay me!
There’s nothing else I could wish for right now.
Well, there is. But I know that Sungmin wouldn’t notice me. I’m just a nerd.
Oh well, might as well settle for the latest video game at the store.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
March 19, 2004
It’s been three days since break started. I’m so damn bored, Dubu. Mom bought me the game since I had good grades last semester. I’ve been playing it non-stop for the past three days. It has somehow lost its novelty in that short span of time. I wonder what’s wrong with me. I never grew tired of new games this fast before. Do I have an illness? I hope not.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
May 7, 2004
It’s half way through the break and I’m still as bored as hell. Been surfing the net a lot though. Did you know that Sungmin’s favorite color is pink? So that’s why he wore that pink shirt when I first saw him! And his favorite food is pumpkin soup. He does martial arts in his free time. He also knows how to play guitar, piano, saxophone, and harmonica! How cool is that!?
Thank God for the person who invented internet surveys!
I miss seeing Sungmin, Dubu. Can’t wait for school to start again.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
June 20, 2004
Sophomore year, START!
Can’t laze around. I heard that Sungmin has an early class today. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not gonna stalk him. I just missed him, okay?
Oh, he just passed by with Hyukjae. Got to go!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 14, 2004
Dubu you’re not going to believe this but don’t laugh at me, okay? I think… I think I’m getting popular. I really don’t know what happened. I mean, Donghae said that it was because I got rid of my glasses but that’s just because Heechul noona forced me to undergo LASIK over the summer. I guess people had been flirting with me? I really don’t know if it’s true but that’s what Kibum said. You know I’m inexperienced in these things right? It’s quite unnerving, really.
Also, there’s this girl named Zhou Mi in my Literature class. She keeps winking at me. I mean that had to be the case or she had a serious case of trigeminal neuralgia or something. It’s creeping me out.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
October 17, 2004
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
I might have been a saint in my past life, Dubu!!!
Lee Sungmin, yes, the Lee Sungmin that I’ve been crushing on since like, forever! The Lee Sungmin who’s my soul mate, the Lee Sungmin I love!
HE…
ASKED…
ME…
FOR…
A…
PEN…
Can you believe it!? I was just reading in the reserve section of the library when he came up to me all of a sudden and asked me if I had a pen! Good thing I had my pencil case nearby. Phew.
I think he was weirded out by me though. I literally froze up right there and then. I could barely hand him the pen properly. And when our fingertips touched when I gave him the pen, BOOM! Fireworks, Dubu! I felt fireworks!
Ah what a lucky lucky day! Too bad I left before he got to return my pen though. My stomach suddenly felt funny. =’(
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
October 23, 2004
LEE.SUNGMIN.JUST.GAVE.ME.MY.PEN.BACK.
He literally walked up to me and gave me my pen back! He even asked for my name and course. He also giggled when I tried one of my pick-up lines on him. He must have thought I was joking but I really think he’s fine! He just didn’t get the parking ticket analogy. Oh well, next time then.
I’m so happy, Dubu. He even patted my shoulder as he left me with the goofy grin on my face. I don’t care.
Lee Sungmin talked to me today! And it was more than a sentence too!
He knows my name!
Told you we’re a perfect match!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
November 11, 2004
Lee Sungmin just joined the glee club I’m a member of.
I can now die in happiness.
Actually… no.
I still have to marry him and have a dozen babies, okay, maybe adopt a dozen babies, and live happily ever after with him.
Plus, he recognized me! He waved at me. Well, Donghae was beside me too, but whatever. He freaking waved in my direction!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 1, 2005
Today is the start of a new year… and more importantly, it’s Sungmin’s birthday. He’s having a party at the Sapphire Blue Club tonight. I really want to go but I wasn’t invited. Donghae said he’d bring me as his plus one since Hyukjae was invited herself.
Should I go?
It’s too much of an opportunity to pass up. Whatever!
Cho Kyuhyun is gonna be there!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 2, 2005
I think I may or may have not kissed Lee Sungmin last night.
I mean, it wasn’t my fault! Who would’ve known that the love of my life (YES, HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE) couldn’t hold his liquor well. Donghae volunteered me to take Sungmin home since he was busy doing who knows what with his girlfriend.
So, we were at the taxi cab and Sungmin leant his head on my shoulder. His hair smells of strawberries I wanted to literally eat him! But of course, I controlled myself. He would probably freak if I did that.
Anyway, when we finally arrived at the dorm, I dragged him to his dorm room, Room 137, yeap, from what I’ve read on his personal data sheet. Don’t ask me how I got it. I have my sources thank you very much. He couldn’t fit the key into his doorknob so I helped him and laid him on his bed. I swear I was about to go out when he pulled me down all of a sudden and kissed me.
He fucking kissed me!
That was my first kiss.
My first kiss was with Lee Sungmin. How lucky am I!?
But yeah, he immediately passed out even before I could even respond.
He may not remember it by now but at least I will have that memory to keep forever.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 11, 2005
Do you remember that thing that happened after Sungmin’s birthday party that I told you about, Dubu? You know… When he kissed me. God, it was so embarrassing earlier at the glee club practice. He came up to me and apologized for what he did. I didn’t think he’d remember but apparently, he did. He just smiled at me sheepishly before he hastily went after his friends out of the room, as if nothing even happened.
I mean, it was just a kiss. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. Still, I’m kinda hurt though. Why would he say sorry? Was he sorry for himself? Did he regret it? ‘Coz I seriously don’t.
So this is how it feels to be heartbroken.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 14, 2005
Sungmin just texted me. He asked why I was being cold to him. So he noticed, huh?
Well, it’s not as if he could blame me. How could he when he broke my fragile heart by being sorry for kissing me.
Am I that despicable? Am I ugly? Do I have halitosis?
Ah whatever. I just replied that I wasn’t and shut my phone.
I don’t know what to say. One thing is for sure though: I still love him.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
February 3, 2005
I turn twenty today, Dubu. I’m not a teenager anymore. Although it’s a bit sad, I feel glad as well. I’m growing up!
And guess who greeted me. Well, my fanclub members greeted, then there’s Donghae and Kibum and some nameless classmates and fellow club members. But what’s most important is that Sungmin greeted me!
Well, perhaps he was just forced to because he saw that our fellow glee club members greeted me one-by-one. But I don’t care! He greeted me and that’s all that matters.
I was so shy to say thanks directly to him because there were so many people inside the room. He kind of looked disappointed but perhaps that was just my eyes playing tricks on me.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
February 13, 2005
Is this a dream or reality!?
Lee Sungmin just handed me a box of chocolates and asked me if we could go watch a movie tomorrow. Oh my god, tomorrow is Valentine’s day, right!? Does that mean that we’re going on a date!?
I’m thinking too much. Perhaps, he just had no one to spend Valentine’s with so he resorted to me.
I said yes, anyway.
I’m so excited. I love life!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
March 30, 2005
I’ve been going out with Sungmin on a lot of random trips to the mall, park, library, and wherever he wants to go since the first time we went out on Valentine’s day. My sophomore year ended a few days ago, that meant Sungmin’s junior year had ended too. But we still hang out even when his house is on the other side of the city.
My feelings for him are getting stronger and stronger but I don’t know if he feels the same way that I do.
I’m scared. I’m so scared.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
April 23, 2005
Lee Sungmin just told me that he loves me.
He freaking loves me!
We were just strolling at the amusement park when he said it out of the blue. I wasn’t prepared. I just froze up and nodded dumbly.
How could I seriously act like that when the moment I’ve been waiting for so long actually happened!?
I’m so stupid I wanna cry.
But Sungmin seemed happy and that’s all that really mattered. He hugged me tightly and all I could do not to squeal like a love-struck girl was to pat his head.
I guess we’re dating.
Lee Sungmin is finally my boyfriend! Best day ever!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
P.S. I guess I won’t be writing anytime soon. Sungmin gets pissy when I don’t pay him much attention. Sorry Dubu. I’ll miss you.
March 12, 2006
Today is Sungmin’s graduation day, Dubu. I feel so proud of him yet I can’t help but feel a little sad. All of my junior year has been spent with him by my side and although I don’t really show it, I really enjoy his company a lot. How could I not? I love the man so much.
What if Sungmin finds someone else who’s more handsome than me? more funny than me? more witty than me? much better than me!? Ah this is really frustrating.
I know Sungmin wouldn’t cheat. He has to go out to the world to achieve his dream after all. I must trust him. I guess I’m just being selfish and insecure. Never mind that now.I’ll support him no matter what.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
March 17, 2007
Wow. It’s been a year since I wrote here. Sorry Dubu! Senior year was a pain. Everything seemed to be rushed and it didn’t help that I often had a sour mood since I only got to see Sungmin twice a month. It even came to a point when we almost broke up.
Good thing Sungmin always understands my tantrums.
I love him so much, Dubu. I honestly wouldn’t know life without him.
Well anyway, I have to go now. Graduation ceremony is starting in a couple of hours.
Wish me luck for my speech. I’m graduating summa cum laude by the way!^^
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
June 3, 2007
Sungmin and I were just casually having a conversation about marriage and weddings. He joked that he wanted to be a June bride so I just asked him to marry me then and there. I really don’t know what got into me but it just felt right.
He kicked me hard on my shins when he thought I was joking but I wasn’t! I was worried when he cried but he blurted a “yes” thereafter.
So I guess we are indeed getting married soon.
I know we’re still young but I’m sure that Lee Sungmin is the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I knew it since the first day I saw him.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 13, 2007
I just exchanged I dos with Sungmin this morning. We just arrived at the hotel here in Jeju Island. Everything still feels surreal. I can’t even believe how lucky I got. I’m quite nervous too, actually. Sungmin’s still in the bathroom. He’s been there for the past half hour. What’s taking him so long?
Actually… I wish he takes more time. I don’t know how to… you know, do the deed. I mean, I’ve watched some yaoi porn last week and before you judge me, I just did it for the sake of research. Sure, Sungmin and I had a couple of blow jobs here and there, a dozen or so hand jobs in between long breaks and what not. But this is different. I think I can’t do this. What if I mess up? What if Sungmin wouldn’t be satisfied? What if…
Holy shit the sound of the shower just stopped.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 14, 2007
I still can’t believe how lucky I am. I must be the luckiest man in the world right now. Sungmin is still sleeping beside me. His face is so angelic I want to keep him in my pocket forever if I could.
I’m still puzzled though. How can someone so innocent-looking turn into such a beast when it comes to bed? I mean, I know I wouldn’t have anyone to compare with since Sungmin is my first and probably will be my last, but holy hot damn, the sex was mind blowing. We should’ve done this earlier hahaha.
Seriously though, my husband is a sex god.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 13, 2008
Ah how time flies. Would you believe that today marks my first wedding anniversary with Sungmin? He gave me this cute silver chain necklace with a tiny harmonica as a pendant. I’m wearing it now, actually.
I just got him a pink shirt because that’s what I always got him ever since college. I really wanted to buy him something special but I’m afraid he won’t like it so I guess pink shirts are a safe option?
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
September 3, 2008
I’ve noticed that Sungmin has been vomiting a lot lately. He also looks paler than usual. I’m scared Dubu. What if he’s sick with some incurable disease? Help me!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
September 8, 2008
Sungmin finally relented so we went to the physician today.
I’m going to be a father, Dubu. No shit. He’s one month pregnant with our baby.
I was so shocked that I didn’t even hear the rest of the doctor’s words. I just followed blindly when Sungmin dragged me out of the clinic, still unable to believe what was happening.
I know this isn’t logically possible but it is happening!
I don’t know how or why. All I know is that Sungmin is carrying my baby… our baby.
Can I just say, fuck yes!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 3, 2009
Ultrasound says that the kid’s gonna be a boy! I will try to force Sungmin to name him Kyuhyun junior. I don’t know if he’d agree though. Still, I’m gonna be a dad! Oh, joy!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
May 29, 2009
The cesarean section was a success, Dubu! Sadly though, Sungmin didn’t allow for him to be named after me. Our little angel’s name is Changmin. He’s so cute, just like Sungmin! And too tiny too! I’m afraid to carry him so I just looked over as Sungmin bottle fed him. And oh, by the way he cries, I guess he took after my vocal prowess.
Ah… So this is how it feels to be a father. Not bad!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
June 19, 2010
Changminnie is now a little over a year old. I’ve gotta say, my son is smart. He can already speak without stuttering. What a gifted child he truly is, just like his dad. Don’t tell Sungmin though, he gets upset when I point out that Changminnie got his wits from me.
The kid sure got his cuteness from his mom though.
Got to go now. I have to drop off Changmin at the day care before I go to work.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 27, 2011
I know I haven’t been writing that much anymore. Life’s been a bitch and now that I’ve become a partner at the firm, the schedule’s been crazy. I’m just bothered. I know I haven’t told you this yet but my boss, Victoria, she’s been hitting on me ever since I joined the firm about two years ago. I just shrugged off her advances in the past. I don’t get why she still does that when she knows that I’m married. We were working overtime last Friday when she suddenly grabbed be by my tie and kissed me.
Dubu, I’ve been weak. I let myself fall into her trap. I mean, I pushed her back almost immediately but that was because I heard Sungmin’s sob at the back of my head.
I feel so guilty, Dubu. I just hope Sungmin never finds out.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
September 20, 2011
It turned out that Sungmin saw that little incident I had in the office with Victoria. I didn’t know what to say so I just shut my mouth. He demanded an explanation but I seriously didn’t know how to go about it in a way that would make him understand! Anything I say would’ve turned out defensive anyway.
But then he packed his bags and left.
Sungmin left with Changminnie.
I wanted to stop them, Dubu. I wanted to tell Sungmin that that kiss didn’t really matter because I love him and no one else. I really did want to. But I just stood frozen on the spot. I just couldn’t say it.
I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to write again soon!
I Don’t Know Love Anymore,
Kyu
December 25, 2011
First Christmas without my family in a long time. I feel like dying. Sungmin still hasn’t come back. I wish I could just die right now.
I couldn’t even sleep properly anymore that I have to take two of those wretched pills every night just so I could catch some snoozes. And still, I always wake up in the middle of the night as this recurring nightmare haunts me.
Not So Much Love,
Kyu
March 12, 2012
I can’t take it anymore. Looks like Sungmin isn’t going to come back to me ever again.
I have no more reason to live for.
And how ironic, it’s your last page too. I guess this is a sign.
Good bye, Dubu.
Please tell Sungmin sorry for all the things I’ve done and that I love him so much.
Won’t be writing again, I guess.
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin was sobbing by the time he reached the last page, his tears drenching the sheets of the diary. He felt so guilty. It was as if the life he lived turned out to be a lie. How could he have been so blind? How couldn't he have seen it before? Kyuhyun loved him. Kyuhyun loved Changmin. Kyuhyun loved the both of them. Kyuhyun loved their family.
But then again, why didn’t Kyuhyun say anything? Why did Kyuhyun fail to say how much he loved him? Then as the reason hit him, he wanted to kick himself for being so selfish. Why did he even want to hear reassuring words when Kyuhyun’s actions was supposed to mean something more than that? So much more.
Didn’t they say that actions speak louder than words? God, Kyuhyun was so stupid. He, himself was so stupid. Both of them are so, so stupid.
With that, Sungmin made the riskiest decision in his life. Only this time, he knew that he wasn’t going to regret it one bit.
PART TWO
Author: ailaling1017
Genre: angst, romance,
Warning/s: yaoi, language, MPREG
Disclaimer: Kyuhyun and Sungmin belong to each other.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: KyuMin; friendship!MinWook; implied!HaeHyuk; implied!SiChul; implied!KangTeuk; implied!YeWook
Verse: alternate
Type/Status: Two-Shot; Complete, 9,948W
Summary: It may be too late for a do-over, but perhaps, they can start all over.
A/N: A sequel Sad Fate and A Sadder Fate
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ATE GEM scribbled_gem! Sorry this is late. I got carried away kaya napahaba siya ng bongga.T^T
~
Six months.
Six months since that one fateful Sunday morning when Sungmin saw the little positive sign stare up at him mockingly.
Six months since he told Kyuhyun that they should have a talk, a real talk, with words, this time.
Six months since Kyuhyun merely shrugged, like he always did, and resumed his game on his laptop.
Six months since Sungmin's pent up emotions got the better of him and his tears finally broke like a dam.
Six months since Kyuhyun tried to shush him with his mouth on his, forcing him into submission.
Six months since Sungmin pushed Kyuhyun away, not falling for any of Kyuhyun's games, for the first time.
Six months since Sungmin confronted Kyuhyun about his infidelity with his boss, to which the younger just scowled and didn't say a word in return.
Six months since Sungmin threatened Kyuhyun to explain or else he was going to leave him.
Six months since Kyuhyun chose to keep silent and ignore his lover's demands for an explanation.
Six months since Sungmin finally decided that he had had enough as he packed his bags and left through their front door without so much as a backward glance, dragging the crying Changmin with him.
Six months since Kyuhyun just watched Sungmin's retreating back from where he was seated on the couch, unable to run after the love of his life, no matter how much he wanted to.
Six months since Sungmin hoped that his absence finally makes Kyuhyun realize that he loved him back.
Six months since Sungmin had been left disappointed, just like he had been with everything that had something to do with his love for Kyuhyun.
Six months since Sungmin realized that Kyuhyun will never ever chase after him, no matter what.
Six months since that bitter realization hit Sungmin like a bullet, a feeling of numbness creeping onto his system.
Six months since Sungmin's fragile heart broke into pieces.
Six long months.
Sungmin had been pregnant, yet again, for six months now.
~
Sungmin heaved a sigh as he rubbed his burgeoning belly. It was a habit he acquired ever since his baby bump became noticeable. He did it when he was pregnant with Changmin too. He merely shrugged. All pregnant women tended to do that anyway, never mind that he was a man. Whatever.
Sungmin stared longingly out the window which showed the picturesque view of Seoul at night time, mind flying to that one person he missed the most. He smiled bitterly to himself. He was somewhat sure that his yearning was yet again, one-sided. He was quite convinced that Kyuhyun would’ve moved on by now. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised if divorce papers arrive at their, no, Ryeowook’s front door, any time soon.
Sungmin and Changmin had been staying at Ryeowook’s condo since the break up. Sungmin didn’t have anywhere else to go to, having been orphaned when he was still in middle school. Kyuhyun was his only family, well, he was supposed to be anyway.
When Changmin came into their lives, Sungmin thought that everything would finally fall into place. He had stupidly believed that the addition of the little angel into their life would make things turn for the better; that it would finally melt the icy demeanor Kyuhyun had. After all, most of the cold people he knew tended to change when they finally had their own offspring. Just like how Kyuhyun's Heechul noona didn’t seem to be so much of a diva, like before, after she had Taemin with her long time boyfriend Siwon; or how his Youngwoon hyung gave up his old ways after Hongki came into his and his wife, Leeteuk’s, life; or how his dongsaeng Henry finally started to act mature when Amber gave birth to Jonghyun. The list went on and on.
Sungmin wondered what he had to do to be a part of that list - for him and Kyuhyun to be a part of that list.
Sungmin wondered what could have happened had he not left that particular Sunday morning, six months ago. He had so many what ifs running on his mind. What if he told Kyuhyun that he was pregnant yet again? Would Kyuhyun have welcomed the news of his second pregnancy? What if he asked Kyuhyun to prioritize him over his game? Would Kyuhyun have shut his laptop lid and paid him heed? What if he told Kyuhyun that he really didn’t mind him cheating with his boss before, as long as he doesn’t do it again? Would Kyuhyun have been grateful for the forgiveness he had so freely given? What if he didn’t push Kyuhyun away when the younger had kissed him? Would Kyuhyun have ended up making love to him? Not just sex, but something more than the carnal tryst they so often had. What if he told Kyuhyun he loved him for the umpteenth time and asked him if he felt the same? Would Kyuhyun have told him that he loved him back?
Sungmin felt a tear slide down on his cheek as he ceased the movement of his hand over his belly. His heart ached as he realized the answers to all his what ifs even before he had the chance to make them happen.
No.
Kyuhyun merely gave him a forced smile that made him look as if he was in pain when the doctor announced that they were expecting. Why would a second pregnancy excite him in any way? Surely, the younger would just think of Sandeul, yes, he already named the baby in his tummy, as an additional mouth to feed - a burden, just like how he seemed to think of Changmin and Sungmin himself.
No.
Of course not. Starcraft had always been, and will always be, more important than Sungmin to Kyuhyun. He always stayed up late killing who knows what on his computer when he wouldn’t even wait up for Sungmin’s arrival whenever he ran late from work. Sungmin’s heart ached once more as he realized how a video game held more worth than him in his own husband’s heart.
No.
Kyuhyun obviously cheated for some reason. Whatever the reason was, Sungmin would never know. But one thing was for sure: Kyuhyun wasn’t the least bit apologetic. If he was, he would’ve had said sorry a long time ago. What was the use of giving his forgiveness anyway when the other wasn’t even asking for it in the first place?
No.
Sungmin had long since accepted the fact that Kyuhyun would never make love to him. Sex was a given, but it wasn’t called making love for nothing. How could he be when he never showed even an ounce of tenderness to Sungmin whenever they did the deed? Kyuhyun was never a passionate lover. Just like his personality, he went straight to the point, no pun intended. Sure, it would satiate their carnal cravings and would always end in one hell of an orgasm, but Sungmin couldn’t feel the connection he supposed one should feel in such an intimate act with his partner. What was sex without love anyway? They were married for fuck’s sake.
Then again, just like marriage, sex is all about taking turns in giving and receiving. And if their marriage was a result of one-sided love in the first place, then there’s no wonder the sex was just about the same. Just like their marriage, their love-making, if it could even be called that, was empty - just like how Kyuhyun’s heart seemed to be.
No.
Kyuhyun would never ever love him back.
Sungmin’s tears were freely flowing by this time. He barely registered the opening and closing of the door as Ryeowook arrived from work, padding across the living room and jolting Sungmin out of his reveries with a pat on the shoulder.
“Minnie. I told you not to think about him too much. Didn’t you hear what the doctor said? It’s bad for the baby when you get stressed. Just let it go for now, yes?” Ryeowook’s voice was barely above a whisper, as if afraid that what he said would only cause more tears to his friend, which expectedly, did.
“You don’t understand! It’s so easy for you to say that because you never really liked Kyuhyun since the beginning. Funny though, you’re right. He’s nothing but a worthless piece of shit who did nothing but cause me pain. But the thing is, he means so much to me. I just… I love him so much. I-I-I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Help me, Wookie.” Sungmin erupted; slumping into Ryeowook’s outstretched arms as he allowed himself to crumble.
Ryeowook knew better than to take offense in Sungmin’s words. He understood his best friend’s sentiments for he himself knew how it felt to love; to love somebody to the point that you sacrifice your own happiness just so that somebody can be happy too; to be able to recognize that special someone’s imperfections yet still be able to see through all that and love them despite everything; to be so deeply, madly in love, that enduring is all you can do to keep said love; to be willing to take what you can get as long as you’re with that one person that would make all the sufferings worthwhile.
Ryeowook could only be thankful that Yesung wasn’t the least bit like Kyuhyun. Sure, his lover was not that much of an intellectual person but what he lacked in acumen, he made up for with his caring personality. Ryeowook knew that he was far from perfect and Yesung was, too. But together, they were perfect. This is why Ryeowook felt so bad for his friend. Because while he knew how to love just like Sungmin, Sungmin never felt how it is to be loved back like he did. Kyuhyun will never make Sungmin feel the way Yesung did to him.
Sungmin continued to sob onto the smaller man’s shoulder as he buried his face onto the younger’s neck, his cries gradually getting louder in volume. Ryeowook let him cling to his shirt like it was his life line, knowing fully well that it might as well have been. Sungmin had always been strong and not once did Ryeowook see him cry in the several years that they spent as friends. Yet, as he saw his best friend’s tears, face contorted from too much anguish and pain, so broken and frail; it made Ryeowook wonder just how much Sungmin really had to go through for his once jolly friend to turn into the lifeless shell of the person he used to be.
Ryeowook felt as if some of Sungmin’s pain transferred to him from where the elder was clutching at the front of his shirt. That was the only logical explanation since Ryeowook felt as if his heart was being pricked by tiny needles, just right where Sungmin’s fingers indirectly touched him over his shirt. Sungmin’s every cry seemed to amplify said pain in his heart and no sooner was he sobbing together with his friend, unable to do anything but be there for him when he clearly needed him the most, wanting nothing more than to alleviate even an ounce of Sungmin’s pain if he could; not able to do anything than to cling back to the man he considered as his brother.
Ryeowook rubbed small circles on the elder’s back as he tried to halt his tears, the stubborn droplets of saline never ceasing to fall from his eyes. Still, he carried on for that was all he could do. Unfortunately, that one person who could cure Sungmin’s pain didn’t seem to care about his best friend’s misery. Ryeowook felt a surge of fury for the man in question. He wanted to punch him, kick him, kill him. Yet he knew that there was really nothing he could do to make that stupid man love his friend back if he really didn’t. After all, it is true when they said that love can’t be bought. Stupid ironies of life, he bitterly thought.
Both of them stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, cherishing the companionable silence as they poured their hearts out like the way only real friends do. They were, however, jolted from their reveries when a sharp cry suddenly sounded from the general direction of the guest room, the room Sungmin and Changmin had been staying at for the past six months.
“Changminnie---Ow!” Sungmin clutched his stomach at the sudden pain, his eyebrows furrowed in concern for both of his children.
“Are you okay!?” Ryeowook asked Sungmin, flustered at the fast turn of events.
“I’m fine. It’s just a kick - a strong kick. Changmin… Can you check on him for me please?” Sungmin assured as he slumped on the nearest chair, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.
“O-Okay. Wait here.” Ryeowook hastily replied and ran to the room, coming back not long after with Changmin whose face was tear-stricken.
“Hey Changminnie. What’s the matter, baby?” Sungmin cooed as Ryeowook placed the little boy on his lap.
“I-I-I dreamt that Daddy Kyunnie was inside this white box with a glass on top and he didn’t open his eyes like he usually did even when Changminnie shouted his name over and over again like how it was when I woke him up for work before. Then Mommy Minnie came to carry me away and told me that Daddy Kyunnie is dead and wouldn’t wake up anymore and wouldn’t be with us ever again and Changminnie is so so sad because Changminnie loves Daddy Kyunnie and no one’s gonna play Starcraft with Changminnie anymore and… and… Mommy! I miss Daddy Kyunnie. Let’s go home!” The three-year-old muttered in between sobs, bringing a fresh wave of tears to Sungmin's eyes.
“Hush baby. It was just a bad dream. Daddy Kyunnie’s not dead, but we still can’t go home since Daddy is busy and you know he gets distracted easily by noise. Sorry dear. We wouldn’t want Daddy to be angry now, would we?” Sungmin patiently explained, his tears streaming on his cheeks while Changmin wasn't any better.
“But… But… Mommy! Daddy said that he likes it when I sing to him because I took after his singing voice… and… and… Daddy always takes breaks in between working… What if Daddy’s bored on his breaks? No one will sing to him anymore. Or what if Daddy gets tired? No one will massage him like Mommy does anymore. We have to go home, Mommy!” Little Changmin flailed his pudgy arms, hoping to get his message across. He knew they needed to go home. His daddy needs them.
“Sweetie... Just go back to sleep. You have day care early tomorrow.” Sungmin said as he set his son down on the floor.
“Exactly! I want Daddy to bring me to day care like he used to! I’m not sleeping until we get back home.” Little Changmin pouted, crossing his arms over his chest in indignation.
“Cho Changmin, go inside the room now or else you will be spanked. Understand?” Sungmin chided, his patience thinning as his son’s words stirred his emotions once again.
“No Mommy! You’re a liar! We’re not really on vacation, are we!? My classmate told me that vacations are only for a short period of time and we’ve been here for… for… I don’t know how many days or months… but we’ve been here for a very long time. I miss my Daddy! I wanna go home!” Little Changmin stomped his feet as more tears welled up on his eyes, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy.
“Fine! Your Daddy is dead. He’s never going to come back. We’re never gonna go home. Deal with it!” Sungmin exploded, immediately regretting his words as soon as Changmin stopped crying and his lips wibbled as he processed what Sungmin had told him.
“Mommy you’re bad! I hate you! Daddy is not dead! I love my Daddy. Take me home to Daddy! I want my Daddy!” Little Changmin all but screamed as soon as he recovered, running to the room as fast as his little legs could carry him, snapping the door behind him with a bang.
“Changminnie! Wait!” Sungmin hurried after his son, banging on the door as it was locked.
Just then, Sungmin felt his phone vibrate on his pocket. He instinctively reached for the gadget and answered it, not minding to look at the caller ID.
“Sungmin! Thank goodness you immediately answered!” The frantic voice from the other end of the line made Sungmin feel a jolt on his stomach, and it’s not the baby’s kick either.
“M-Mom? Why? What happened?” Sungmin squeaked, too afraid of the answer.
“Kyuhyunnie… He was found unconscious in your house about ten minutes ago. They said he overdosed on sleeping pills. The hospital people called me since they failed to contact your number which was number one on Kyuhyun’s accountable persons' list. His father and I are on our way to Seoul National Hospi---“ His mother-in-law’s voice got cut as Sungmin lost his grip on his phone, the gadget shattering as it reached the floor.
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Ryeowook asked cautiously as he eyed Sungmin who seemed frozen on the spot.
“Kyuhyunnie --- Suicide --- Hospital --- Wookie ---“ Sungmin gasped incoherently, the panic getting the better of him as he wheezed with every inhalation, finding it harder to breathe by the minute.
Ryeowook was quick to put two and two and was in no time dragging the still shaken Sungmin out of the condo unit with Changmin wrapped securely in his arms.
~
Sungmin gazed longingly at the figure from the other side of the window panel of the ICU. Six months may be considered a short time but it clearly caused so much change on Kyuhyun. The man he loved laid on the pristine white sheets of the hospital bed, as pale as the sheets itself. Kyuhyun’s once chubby cheeks were no longer that way, the mounds which Sungmin used to pinch in fondness replaced by the hollowness below Kyuhyun’s now prominent cheek bones. Kyuhyun was never muscular but Sungmin didn’t remember him being this lanky, he did, after all, feed him well. Now, the man looked emaciated, gaunt, sullen, lifeless.
At the back of his mind, Sungmin felt as if he was the one to blame. Perhaps, he wasn’t the only one who suffered during the time they spent apart. He began to question himself about his decision. He couldn’t help but think that he may have misconstrued things. That he may have been too absorbed in his own pain to realize that Kyuhyun wasn’t faring any better. As he recalled stuff, he slowly became aware of the memories he had with Kyuhyun - the happy memories he had with Kyuhyun.
The electrocardiogram by the wall kept blinking faintly, displaying Kyuhyun’s vital signs which were getting weaker by the minute. Sungmin couldn’t help the tears that fell from his eyes as he recalled the doctor’s words from about half an hour ago. It turned out that Kyuhyun, as Sungmin learned, had attempted to kill himself with sleeping pills. The doctor had explained that it would’ve been better if Kyuhyun was at his optimal state of health but it seemed that he wasn’t. According to his results, Kyuhyun already had an electrolyte imbalance long before the suicide attempt, and it didn’t help that the drug’s level on his blood had already been high even before he overdosed. The number of pills he took had been enough to finally shut down his kidneys, leaving him with nothing but the dialysis machine to filter his blood - it was his life line at the moment, literally. A kidney transplant is needed if Kyuhyun was to survive, and yet, the risks are sky high. Sungmin was now faced with a dilemma. Kyuhyun’s parents had been devastated that aside from their old age, they weren’t allowed as donors since neither of them were a match for Kyuhyun. Sungmin, however, was a match. But the risks that came with his pregnancy was too great that he wasn’t sure if he was willing to risk it. Sungmin was jolted out of his reveries when a nurse clad in pink scrubs tapped him on the back, gaining his attention.
“Mister Lee Sungmin?”
“Yes?”
“Are you Mister Cho’s husband?”
“Uh… Yeah.”
“Here are his clothes, jewelry, and other personal belongings that we’ve found in his pocket. If you could just sign here then you’d be able to get it for safe-keeping.”
The nurse then handed him a waiver form wherein he affixed his signature without much thought. He received the clothes with one hand and the Ziploc on the other, staring curiously at its contents. Inside were some loose change, a pack of gum, a pen, Kyuhyun’s shades, a small diary, the necklace Sungmin gave him on their first year wedding anniversary, and a ring - their wedding ring.
Sungmin couldn’t help but feel somewhat elated despite the circumstances they were in. He made his way to the nearest bench and sat himself, setting Kyuhyun’s clothes beside him as he turned his attention towards the contents of the plastic. He turned his palm down and stared at his very own wedding ring. Just like him, Kyuhyun didn’t seem to have the heart to take it off after all. This somehow gave him a sense of reassurance; it was a just a small thing, almost irrelevant, but it made him happy that Kyuhyun still carried a piece of him everyday.
As he opened the plastic, he immediately reached for the small black diary. It wasn’t anything extravagant; it was plain black in color, nothing out of the ordinary;simple, just like how Kyuhyun liked his things to be. Sungmin didn’t know why but there was just something at the back of his mind that seemed to push him to open the diary. He had never been one to meddle in Kyuhyun’s business, much less not nose around Kyuhyun’s belongings. Then again, the urge was so great that he figured this one time wouldn’t hurt. It’s not like Kyuhyun would know anyway. So, with nimble fingers, he pried the diary open. He was welcomed with Kyuhyun’s personal information, all the data in there were things Sungmin already knew by heart. Still, he couldn’t help the skip in his heartbeat as he saw that his name, was indeed, listed first on Kyuhyun’s list of people to contact in case of emergency. He didn’t know why he felt that way; he was, after all, Kyuhyun’s husband. It was only normal for him to be listed there. Still, Sungmin considered it something special.
He cautiously leafed to the next page and was surprised when something fell from in between the pages. He hastily picked up the object by reflex and was stunned to find that it was a photograph. He felt his tears fall once more as he flipped the polaroid, seeing his and Changmin’s face look up at him with identical grins on their faces, pink icing soiling their cheeks. It had been Kyuhyun who took the picture during Changmin’s first birthday. In fact, he wondered where the picture had been. It turned out that Kyuhyun had kept it for himself, after all. Sungmin can’t help but mutter “dork” under his breath. He could’ve just said he wanted a picture of them for himself. Why did he have to keep it a secret? Kyuhyun really puzzled Sungmin.
He tucked the picture safely back into the Ziploc to prevent himself from losing it and turned to another page, eyes growing wide as he saw what looked like hastily written words in Kyuhyun’s messy scrawl. His eyebrows unconsciously raised as he took notice of the day on top of the journal entry. It dated back to their college days.
June 20, 2003
Dear Diary,
I bought you today. I shall name you Dubu! My old one, Jjong, just got full and I thought that, hey, it’s my first day in university today. Might as well start anew!
Can you believe it diary? After slaving for four years in high school, here I am finally! It feels so good! I wonder if I meet new friends here. Remember Youngwoon hyung? You know… my weird best friend? The one who spent three years as a senior in high school that we became classmates despite the big age difference. Well, he’s going to another university. It makes me sad, actually. I know I’m gonna miss him. But don’t tell him that, okay? I’d never see the end of it once he knows.
Jonghyun’s going back to his hometown too. He’s gonna stop schooling for a while since his dad’s sick. I feel sorry for him, actually. I wish I could help him but there’s nothing else I can do. I’m on a full scholarship myself.
Aish. It’s a sad, sad life.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin couldn’t help but grin at his husband’s cuteness. He never thought Kyuhyun had this side to him even if the other had always been a dork. Who knew he expressed himself better in writing? He smiled as he turned to the next page and no sooner was he engrossed in reading Kyuhyun’s diary entries.
June 28, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Hi Dubu! It’s been a week since I started university. I still have a lot to learn and I definitely still need some adjusting, but all in all, everything’s pretty much cool! And yeah, I met this cool kid, Kibum in Trigonometry class. We get along pretty well although I get confused when he speaks to me in English.
And oh, my roommate Yesung, he’s so weird. He brought a pet turtle with him so he won’t be lonely but I don’t really understand how the turtle can cheer him up. Although I find it creepy, I really can’t complain to the dorm manager because the turtle doesn’t really make noise so I have no excuse. Whatever!
And you know what? The dorm food sucks. Even Heechul noona’s cooking is better than this! Dorm life is so horrible! I’m in a hurry now since I have to clean my room.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
August 29, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Oh my god, Dubu. I’m so sorry I haven’t written in so long! I’ve been so caught up with school work that I haven’t had the time to sit down and relax.
Anyway, the past two months have been a blur. I gained another friend. His name is Donghae. I met him in Zoology class. He does seem a little out of it at times but he’s cool. He’s particularly interested in ichthyology and I think that he’d make a good ichthyologist someday. After all, how many people could name every species of fish in the world, anyway?
Oh well, I have a group meeting for Research in five minutes. That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
October 25, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Hey Dubu! I know I haven’t told you this yet but I told Jjong before that I believe in fate. I’m not being emotional or anything. I just thought I wanted to let you know. I’ve been thinking lately if I would find my soulmate here in this university. That’s why I get nervous whenever I eat in the cafeteria. What if I already bumped into him but didn’t see his face? Or what if I turned a corner just when he walked into the corridor? Or what if he was tying his shoelaces when I passed by?
Aish I’m too young to worry about these things. I just wanted you to know anyway.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
November 18, 2003
Dear Dubu,
Dubu! The semester’s about to end and the deadlines are killing me! Just wanted to drop by and say hi! Sorry it’s short but I have to go now.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
December 10, 2003
Dear Dubu,
I hate Lee fucking Donghae.
I mean, I don’t really hate hate him but I really want to wipe him off the face of the earth right now.
Why did he sign me up for an intermission number on the Yuletide ball!? I love to sing but I only do that in the shower! Well, except when I was a kid, I sang for the boys’ choir at church but that was because dad told me so.
Help me Dubu! All year levels are gonna be there. I think I’m going to die of embarrassment.
Aish Donghae’s calling me for practice. I hate that fish.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
December 15, 2003
Dear Dubu,
OH.MY.GOD.
Dubu!
I’ve told you about how I believed in fate right? Would you believe that I met him today!? When I was performing on stage, I saw this cute guy sitting on the front rows. I am totally smitten I don’t even know why. Oh wait, I know why. His fox-like eyes bore into mine as if we had some connection. I just know it! We’re meant for each other. Too bad I don’t know him though. He must be an upperclassman. I remember the print on his pink shirt though! It was a white playboy bunny logo.
I have to get to know him.
And… I didn’t know I’d be saying this but, I fucking love Lee Donghae for signing me up!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
February 1, 2004
Dear Dubu,
Things pretty much got out of hand after Christmas break that I basically had no time to write. Anyway, do you still remember that guy I told you about? My soulmate?
Guess who knows his name!?
I do!!! =)))
It turns out, Donghae knew him since he was friends with the sophomore chick he’s dating, Hyukjae. He has such a lovely name. It suits his angelic face.
I think I’m in love.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at the entry. Kyuhyun loved somebody? He felt a pang of jealousy hit his chest. Who could’ve been so lucky to gain Kyuhyun’s love? He figured there’s only one way to find out so he read on.
February 23, 2004
Dear Dubu,
I read my last entry. How stupid of me! I forgot to tell you his name!
It’s a really pretty name!
Lee Sungmin.
See? It’s such a beautiful name, right? But he is more beautiful than his name.
I don’t think I’m in love anymore. I know I’m in love.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin couldn’t believe his eyes. Kyuhyun loved him? He didn’t even know Kyuhyun existed until his junior year. He couldn’t stop reading now even if he wanted to.
March 16, 2004
Today’s the least class of my freshman year in college. Can you believe it Dubu? Time flies.
I’m so excited to go onto my sophomore year. I managed to maintain my scholarship. Yay me!
There’s nothing else I could wish for right now.
Well, there is. But I know that Sungmin wouldn’t notice me. I’m just a nerd.
Oh well, might as well settle for the latest video game at the store.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
March 19, 2004
It’s been three days since break started. I’m so damn bored, Dubu. Mom bought me the game since I had good grades last semester. I’ve been playing it non-stop for the past three days. It has somehow lost its novelty in that short span of time. I wonder what’s wrong with me. I never grew tired of new games this fast before. Do I have an illness? I hope not.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
May 7, 2004
It’s half way through the break and I’m still as bored as hell. Been surfing the net a lot though. Did you know that Sungmin’s favorite color is pink? So that’s why he wore that pink shirt when I first saw him! And his favorite food is pumpkin soup. He does martial arts in his free time. He also knows how to play guitar, piano, saxophone, and harmonica! How cool is that!?
Thank God for the person who invented internet surveys!
I miss seeing Sungmin, Dubu. Can’t wait for school to start again.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
June 20, 2004
Sophomore year, START!
Can’t laze around. I heard that Sungmin has an early class today. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not gonna stalk him. I just missed him, okay?
Oh, he just passed by with Hyukjae. Got to go!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 14, 2004
Dubu you’re not going to believe this but don’t laugh at me, okay? I think… I think I’m getting popular. I really don’t know what happened. I mean, Donghae said that it was because I got rid of my glasses but that’s just because Heechul noona forced me to undergo LASIK over the summer. I guess people had been flirting with me? I really don’t know if it’s true but that’s what Kibum said. You know I’m inexperienced in these things right? It’s quite unnerving, really.
Also, there’s this girl named Zhou Mi in my Literature class. She keeps winking at me. I mean that had to be the case or she had a serious case of trigeminal neuralgia or something. It’s creeping me out.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
October 17, 2004
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
I might have been a saint in my past life, Dubu!!!
Lee Sungmin, yes, the Lee Sungmin that I’ve been crushing on since like, forever! The Lee Sungmin who’s my soul mate, the Lee Sungmin I love!
HE…
ASKED…
ME…
FOR…
A…
PEN…
Can you believe it!? I was just reading in the reserve section of the library when he came up to me all of a sudden and asked me if I had a pen! Good thing I had my pencil case nearby. Phew.
I think he was weirded out by me though. I literally froze up right there and then. I could barely hand him the pen properly. And when our fingertips touched when I gave him the pen, BOOM! Fireworks, Dubu! I felt fireworks!
Ah what a lucky lucky day! Too bad I left before he got to return my pen though. My stomach suddenly felt funny. =’(
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
October 23, 2004
LEE.SUNGMIN.JUST.GAVE.ME.MY.PEN.BACK.
He literally walked up to me and gave me my pen back! He even asked for my name and course. He also giggled when I tried one of my pick-up lines on him. He must have thought I was joking but I really think he’s fine! He just didn’t get the parking ticket analogy. Oh well, next time then.
I’m so happy, Dubu. He even patted my shoulder as he left me with the goofy grin on my face. I don’t care.
Lee Sungmin talked to me today! And it was more than a sentence too!
He knows my name!
Told you we’re a perfect match!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
November 11, 2004
Lee Sungmin just joined the glee club I’m a member of.
I can now die in happiness.
Actually… no.
I still have to marry him and have a dozen babies, okay, maybe adopt a dozen babies, and live happily ever after with him.
Plus, he recognized me! He waved at me. Well, Donghae was beside me too, but whatever. He freaking waved in my direction!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 1, 2005
Today is the start of a new year… and more importantly, it’s Sungmin’s birthday. He’s having a party at the Sapphire Blue Club tonight. I really want to go but I wasn’t invited. Donghae said he’d bring me as his plus one since Hyukjae was invited herself.
Should I go?
It’s too much of an opportunity to pass up. Whatever!
Cho Kyuhyun is gonna be there!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 2, 2005
I think I may or may have not kissed Lee Sungmin last night.
I mean, it wasn’t my fault! Who would’ve known that the love of my life (YES, HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE) couldn’t hold his liquor well. Donghae volunteered me to take Sungmin home since he was busy doing who knows what with his girlfriend.
So, we were at the taxi cab and Sungmin leant his head on my shoulder. His hair smells of strawberries I wanted to literally eat him! But of course, I controlled myself. He would probably freak if I did that.
Anyway, when we finally arrived at the dorm, I dragged him to his dorm room, Room 137, yeap, from what I’ve read on his personal data sheet. Don’t ask me how I got it. I have my sources thank you very much. He couldn’t fit the key into his doorknob so I helped him and laid him on his bed. I swear I was about to go out when he pulled me down all of a sudden and kissed me.
He fucking kissed me!
That was my first kiss.
My first kiss was with Lee Sungmin. How lucky am I!?
But yeah, he immediately passed out even before I could even respond.
He may not remember it by now but at least I will have that memory to keep forever.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 11, 2005
Do you remember that thing that happened after Sungmin’s birthday party that I told you about, Dubu? You know… When he kissed me. God, it was so embarrassing earlier at the glee club practice. He came up to me and apologized for what he did. I didn’t think he’d remember but apparently, he did. He just smiled at me sheepishly before he hastily went after his friends out of the room, as if nothing even happened.
I mean, it was just a kiss. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. Still, I’m kinda hurt though. Why would he say sorry? Was he sorry for himself? Did he regret it? ‘Coz I seriously don’t.
So this is how it feels to be heartbroken.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 14, 2005
Sungmin just texted me. He asked why I was being cold to him. So he noticed, huh?
Well, it’s not as if he could blame me. How could he when he broke my fragile heart by being sorry for kissing me.
Am I that despicable? Am I ugly? Do I have halitosis?
Ah whatever. I just replied that I wasn’t and shut my phone.
I don’t know what to say. One thing is for sure though: I still love him.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
February 3, 2005
I turn twenty today, Dubu. I’m not a teenager anymore. Although it’s a bit sad, I feel glad as well. I’m growing up!
And guess who greeted me. Well, my fanclub members greeted, then there’s Donghae and Kibum and some nameless classmates and fellow club members. But what’s most important is that Sungmin greeted me!
Well, perhaps he was just forced to because he saw that our fellow glee club members greeted me one-by-one. But I don’t care! He greeted me and that’s all that matters.
I was so shy to say thanks directly to him because there were so many people inside the room. He kind of looked disappointed but perhaps that was just my eyes playing tricks on me.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
February 13, 2005
Is this a dream or reality!?
Lee Sungmin just handed me a box of chocolates and asked me if we could go watch a movie tomorrow. Oh my god, tomorrow is Valentine’s day, right!? Does that mean that we’re going on a date!?
I’m thinking too much. Perhaps, he just had no one to spend Valentine’s with so he resorted to me.
I said yes, anyway.
I’m so excited. I love life!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
March 30, 2005
I’ve been going out with Sungmin on a lot of random trips to the mall, park, library, and wherever he wants to go since the first time we went out on Valentine’s day. My sophomore year ended a few days ago, that meant Sungmin’s junior year had ended too. But we still hang out even when his house is on the other side of the city.
My feelings for him are getting stronger and stronger but I don’t know if he feels the same way that I do.
I’m scared. I’m so scared.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
April 23, 2005
Lee Sungmin just told me that he loves me.
He freaking loves me!
We were just strolling at the amusement park when he said it out of the blue. I wasn’t prepared. I just froze up and nodded dumbly.
How could I seriously act like that when the moment I’ve been waiting for so long actually happened!?
I’m so stupid I wanna cry.
But Sungmin seemed happy and that’s all that really mattered. He hugged me tightly and all I could do not to squeal like a love-struck girl was to pat his head.
I guess we’re dating.
Lee Sungmin is finally my boyfriend! Best day ever!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
P.S. I guess I won’t be writing anytime soon. Sungmin gets pissy when I don’t pay him much attention. Sorry Dubu. I’ll miss you.
March 12, 2006
Today is Sungmin’s graduation day, Dubu. I feel so proud of him yet I can’t help but feel a little sad. All of my junior year has been spent with him by my side and although I don’t really show it, I really enjoy his company a lot. How could I not? I love the man so much.
What if Sungmin finds someone else who’s more handsome than me? more funny than me? more witty than me? much better than me!? Ah this is really frustrating.
I know Sungmin wouldn’t cheat. He has to go out to the world to achieve his dream after all. I must trust him. I guess I’m just being selfish and insecure. Never mind that now.I’ll support him no matter what.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
March 17, 2007
Wow. It’s been a year since I wrote here. Sorry Dubu! Senior year was a pain. Everything seemed to be rushed and it didn’t help that I often had a sour mood since I only got to see Sungmin twice a month. It even came to a point when we almost broke up.
Good thing Sungmin always understands my tantrums.
I love him so much, Dubu. I honestly wouldn’t know life without him.
Well anyway, I have to go now. Graduation ceremony is starting in a couple of hours.
Wish me luck for my speech. I’m graduating summa cum laude by the way!^^
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
June 3, 2007
Sungmin and I were just casually having a conversation about marriage and weddings. He joked that he wanted to be a June bride so I just asked him to marry me then and there. I really don’t know what got into me but it just felt right.
He kicked me hard on my shins when he thought I was joking but I wasn’t! I was worried when he cried but he blurted a “yes” thereafter.
So I guess we are indeed getting married soon.
I know we’re still young but I’m sure that Lee Sungmin is the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I knew it since the first day I saw him.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 13, 2007
I just exchanged I dos with Sungmin this morning. We just arrived at the hotel here in Jeju Island. Everything still feels surreal. I can’t even believe how lucky I got. I’m quite nervous too, actually. Sungmin’s still in the bathroom. He’s been there for the past half hour. What’s taking him so long?
Actually… I wish he takes more time. I don’t know how to… you know, do the deed. I mean, I’ve watched some yaoi porn last week and before you judge me, I just did it for the sake of research. Sure, Sungmin and I had a couple of blow jobs here and there, a dozen or so hand jobs in between long breaks and what not. But this is different. I think I can’t do this. What if I mess up? What if Sungmin wouldn’t be satisfied? What if…
Holy shit the sound of the shower just stopped.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 14, 2007
I still can’t believe how lucky I am. I must be the luckiest man in the world right now. Sungmin is still sleeping beside me. His face is so angelic I want to keep him in my pocket forever if I could.
I’m still puzzled though. How can someone so innocent-looking turn into such a beast when it comes to bed? I mean, I know I wouldn’t have anyone to compare with since Sungmin is my first and probably will be my last, but holy hot damn, the sex was mind blowing. We should’ve done this earlier hahaha.
Seriously though, my husband is a sex god.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 13, 2008
Ah how time flies. Would you believe that today marks my first wedding anniversary with Sungmin? He gave me this cute silver chain necklace with a tiny harmonica as a pendant. I’m wearing it now, actually.
I just got him a pink shirt because that’s what I always got him ever since college. I really wanted to buy him something special but I’m afraid he won’t like it so I guess pink shirts are a safe option?
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
September 3, 2008
I’ve noticed that Sungmin has been vomiting a lot lately. He also looks paler than usual. I’m scared Dubu. What if he’s sick with some incurable disease? Help me!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
September 8, 2008
Sungmin finally relented so we went to the physician today.
I’m going to be a father, Dubu. No shit. He’s one month pregnant with our baby.
I was so shocked that I didn’t even hear the rest of the doctor’s words. I just followed blindly when Sungmin dragged me out of the clinic, still unable to believe what was happening.
I know this isn’t logically possible but it is happening!
I don’t know how or why. All I know is that Sungmin is carrying my baby… our baby.
Can I just say, fuck yes!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
January 3, 2009
Ultrasound says that the kid’s gonna be a boy! I will try to force Sungmin to name him Kyuhyun junior. I don’t know if he’d agree though. Still, I’m gonna be a dad! Oh, joy!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
May 29, 2009
The cesarean section was a success, Dubu! Sadly though, Sungmin didn’t allow for him to be named after me. Our little angel’s name is Changmin. He’s so cute, just like Sungmin! And too tiny too! I’m afraid to carry him so I just looked over as Sungmin bottle fed him. And oh, by the way he cries, I guess he took after my vocal prowess.
Ah… So this is how it feels to be a father. Not bad!
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
June 19, 2010
Changminnie is now a little over a year old. I’ve gotta say, my son is smart. He can already speak without stuttering. What a gifted child he truly is, just like his dad. Don’t tell Sungmin though, he gets upset when I point out that Changminnie got his wits from me.
The kid sure got his cuteness from his mom though.
Got to go now. I have to drop off Changmin at the day care before I go to work.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
July 27, 2011
I know I haven’t been writing that much anymore. Life’s been a bitch and now that I’ve become a partner at the firm, the schedule’s been crazy. I’m just bothered. I know I haven’t told you this yet but my boss, Victoria, she’s been hitting on me ever since I joined the firm about two years ago. I just shrugged off her advances in the past. I don’t get why she still does that when she knows that I’m married. We were working overtime last Friday when she suddenly grabbed be by my tie and kissed me.
Dubu, I’ve been weak. I let myself fall into her trap. I mean, I pushed her back almost immediately but that was because I heard Sungmin’s sob at the back of my head.
I feel so guilty, Dubu. I just hope Sungmin never finds out.
That’s all for now Dubu! Will write again soon!
Love,
Kyu
September 20, 2011
It turned out that Sungmin saw that little incident I had in the office with Victoria. I didn’t know what to say so I just shut my mouth. He demanded an explanation but I seriously didn’t know how to go about it in a way that would make him understand! Anything I say would’ve turned out defensive anyway.
But then he packed his bags and left.
Sungmin left with Changminnie.
I wanted to stop them, Dubu. I wanted to tell Sungmin that that kiss didn’t really matter because I love him and no one else. I really did want to. But I just stood frozen on the spot. I just couldn’t say it.
I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to write again soon!
I Don’t Know Love Anymore,
Kyu
December 25, 2011
First Christmas without my family in a long time. I feel like dying. Sungmin still hasn’t come back. I wish I could just die right now.
I couldn’t even sleep properly anymore that I have to take two of those wretched pills every night just so I could catch some snoozes. And still, I always wake up in the middle of the night as this recurring nightmare haunts me.
Not So Much Love,
Kyu
March 12, 2012
I can’t take it anymore. Looks like Sungmin isn’t going to come back to me ever again.
I have no more reason to live for.
And how ironic, it’s your last page too. I guess this is a sign.
Good bye, Dubu.
Please tell Sungmin sorry for all the things I’ve done and that I love him so much.
Won’t be writing again, I guess.
Love,
Kyu
Sungmin was sobbing by the time he reached the last page, his tears drenching the sheets of the diary. He felt so guilty. It was as if the life he lived turned out to be a lie. How could he have been so blind? How couldn't he have seen it before? Kyuhyun loved him. Kyuhyun loved Changmin. Kyuhyun loved the both of them. Kyuhyun loved their family.
But then again, why didn’t Kyuhyun say anything? Why did Kyuhyun fail to say how much he loved him? Then as the reason hit him, he wanted to kick himself for being so selfish. Why did he even want to hear reassuring words when Kyuhyun’s actions was supposed to mean something more than that? So much more.
Didn’t they say that actions speak louder than words? God, Kyuhyun was so stupid. He, himself was so stupid. Both of them are so, so stupid.
With that, Sungmin made the riskiest decision in his life. Only this time, he knew that he wasn’t going to regret it one bit.
PART TWO