A SADDER FATE
TITLE: A Sadder Fate
Author: ailaling1017
Genre: angst
Warning/s: yaoi, language, MPREG
Disclaimer: Kyuhyun and Sungmin belong to each other.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: KyuMin; friendship!MinWook
Verse: alternate
Type/Status: One-Shot; Complete, 1,925W
Summary: Kyuhyun finally realized that pride was an evil thing, yet it may already be too late.
A/N: A spin-off to Sad Fate by simbasheart
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARREN! chunrren10
~
Pride.
Whoever invented this particular wretched emotion must be all kinds of fucked up in the head.
Stupid fucking pride.
Pride was the reason why Kyuhyun hadn't asked Sungmin out in the first place, no matter how he had fallen head over heels for the man as he laid eyes on him for the very first time, when he was still on his freshman year. Sungmin was everything Kyuhyun wanted, if not more. Kyuhyun wasn't going to deny it. He was, and still is, a cold person. Yet, unbeknownst to others, Cho Kyuhyun actually had a soft spot in his heart. That spot reserved for a certain Lee Sungmin and him alone. Still, Kyuhyun chose to ignore his feelings - pushing it to the back of his head. Cho Kyuhyun didn't believe in love. He didn't expect to be loved. Expecting was useless and disappointing. Kyuhyun certainly had better things to do.
Kyuhyun knew he was popular but he didn't care. What was he going to do with the unsolicited attention anyway? It's not as if he could eat it. He was a lot of things, but never an attention-seeker. People profess their so-called 'love' for him all the time, but he knew better. Humans tend to equate infatuation with love, but Kyuhyun wasn't going to fall for any of that. Besides, he knew for a fact that those people wouldn't even spare him a second glance had he not been good-looking enough, not tall enough, not intelligent enough, not humorous enough, not enough.
Kyuhyun knew at a young age that no matter how many times people say that love is unconditional, it was actually anything but. If not, why else did his father only acknowledge him whenever he won an award at school? Why didn't he pat Kyuhyun on the head at random times, but only when he brought home a medal? Sure, his mother always assured him that he was important and treasured and loved blah blah blah. But was he really? He couldn't feel it. Not when his mother said the same things to his sister without modification, except perhaps, from their names; copy-pasted like a word document, dictated in verbatim. Then again, perhaps mothers are just like that. It's their obligation to love and nurture their offspring. Kyuhyun still didn't think that he was loved - not without condition, anyway.
Pride was the reason why he hadn't reciprocated Sungmin's confession and merely shrugged his shoulders as he agreed to date the other. Never mind that all he wanted to do at the moment was to hug Sungmin to his chest and tell him how he loved him just as much, if not more. Because, for the record, Cho Kyuhyun didn't, doesn't, and will never believe in love. He wanted to, oh God knows he wanted to. Yet, he was too afraid to gamble something as fragile as his heart, afraid for it to be broken. He knew his heart can never be literally broken per se; which is why he found it all the more difficult to open up. At least with broken objects, sticky tape and glue can always be used to repair what has been damaged. Unlike his heart which can never be mended to return to its original state, never to be whole again - the broken pieces surrendered and irrevocable as it was to be given to the person you choose to love. Kyuhyun wasn't willing to take the risk. He was in denial. Perhaps, he liked Sungmin a little. Okay, he liked Sungmin a lot. But love? No, Kyuhyun didn't think so.
Pride was what made him agree to Sungmin's suggestion of marriage without so much as batting an eyelash. There was never a proper proposal, only a mutual understanding. Sungmin was all too willing and believe him, Kyuhyun was, too. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Sungmin, but of course, Sungmin didn't need to know that. Kyuhyun's pride couldn't... wouldn't allow that. It's not as if a contract and two pieces of silver can change what he had with Sungmin. It was just for formalities' sake. No big deal. Except that he knew that it meant so much to Sungmin. Then again, why should he feel guilty? He was giving him what he wanted by agreeing. Surely, that was enough. Kyuhyun forced himself to believe that it was enough.
Pride was what made him hide his affection for Changmin, no matter how psyched he was that their love surpassed the impossible and bore fruit. When Sungmin started to vomit his guts out every morning, Kyuhyun actually felt a little scared. Okay, he was so scared, afraid that Sungmin had some terminal disease and would die in a given span of time. He was pessimistic, all right. But Kyuhyun had always been that way. Aim low, avoid disappointment. Simple as that - except that it wasn't. Still, he tried his hardest to fight the hollowness at the pit of his stomach whenever he saw Sungmin getting paler by the moment. If Sungmin was going to die, at least Kyuhyun still had his pride with him. He didn't know what he would do with it, he just wanted to have some self-preservation. That's all.
When the doctor announced that Sungmin was pregnant, Kyuhyun found himself gaping in shock. Who wouldn't? He was a studious lad but never had he encountered male pregnancy in his readings. It was, of course, more than welcome of a news. Yet Kyuhyun settled for a tight smile as Sungmin eyed him cautiously, afraid to let the elder know that he was overjoyed by the unexpected turn of events. If he were to equate Sungmin with a word, he'd probably call him as his own miracle. Everything the elder did seemed like a miracle for Kyuhyun. He showed him care beyond his obligation as a spouse without expecting anything in return; he never grew tired of telling Kyuhyun he loved him, never mind that Kyuhyun has yet to say the words himself despite being married for so long. Sungmin was just so selfless - so good to be true. Which is why Kyuhyun was afraid. He was afraid that Sungmin might wake up one day and realize that he deserved better - so much better than what Kyuhyun could offer because really, he did. Kyuhyun acknowledged that, yet he couldn't even bring himself to return the slight squeeze the elder gave his hand as they left the clinic thereafter, terrified that if he let Sungmin know that he needed him that much in his life, he'd end up leaving him anyway. He thought that if Sungmin did leave, at least he wouldn't know how devastated Kyuhyun will be. With that, Kyuhyun felt a little assured. He didn't know why, maybe that was his man pride taking over. Whatever.
Pride was what made him kiss his boss back when she made a move on him; if only to prove to himself that he was not whipped. He wasn't. At least he'd like to think that he wasn't. Never mind that he pushed her away just as her lips met his, not even quite touching. It was an experiment of some sort. He just wanted to test whether he'd feel the same warmth he did whenever he kissed Sungmin, no matter how innocent said kiss may be. But nothing, na da, nil. Nothing. He did, however, find it weird that he heard a dry sob as soon as he edged in closer to kiss her - the voice akin to Sungmin's. But it couldn't have been him. Kyuhyun knew that Sungmin stayed at home to take care of Changmin, carrying Kyuhyun's responsibility as well as his by himself. Kyuhyun acknowledged the guilt but doesn't act on it. What Sungmin didn't know wouldn't hurt him anyway. And he wasn't really cheating, was he? How could he be when he couldn't even kiss other people properly because the thought of Sungmin nagged at his mind all the freaking time. Still, Kyuhyun refused to believe it's love. It couldn't be. Love didn't... doesn't exist.
Pride was what made him brush away Sungmin's attempts at intimacy, shushing his lover with his mouth whenever he wanted to talk by initiating a different kind of talk. That talk utilizing anything except words. Kyuhyun found it easier to let his actions speak for him as he chose to show his emotions through every nip, every lick, every caress, every thrust, every kiss, every other thing but words. Kyuhyun couldn't do conversations. Well, more like, wouldn't.
Pride was what kept him from saying those three words that he knew meant so much to Sungmin. He knew how the elder wanted the assurance brought about by such simple words which held so much meaning, yet Kyuhyun couldn't bring himself to grant his lover that. Because if he did, it would mean throwing away his pride along with the defenses he had put up around him all these years. Besides, they were already married. If Sungmin managed to endure it for four years, seven if you count the years when they were still dating, then surely he'd endure another seven more, seventy-seven more. He has to, he has got to. Kyuhyun was not gonna put out anytime soon. He had his pride to protect, after all.
Pride was what prevented Kyuhyun from running after Sungmin the moment the latter declared their relationship over. The inner turmoil he was feeling at that particlar moment was too great, too great that he couldn't even utter a single word in reply as Sungmin demanded an explanation from him. He knew the right words to say to keep Sungmin with him. He knew three words, to be exact. It's just that he just couldn't bring himself to say them. His pride stopped him from speaking up, only for him to be left alone to crumble with nothing but his pride to hold on to. He realized that his pride was worthless, after all. He clings to it anyway. He didn't have a choice.
Pride was what brought Kyuhyun here, lying all by himself as he stared at the framed photograph of his loved-ones. Yes, Sungmin and Changmin, they were... are his loved-ones. Sungmin, was, and still is, the love of his life. Kyuhyun acknowledges it now, but he figured that it's already too late. What was his pride good for anyway? Now that he thought about it, his pride didn't seem to matter all that much anymore. It only caused him pain and suffering - it caused Sungmin pain and suffering; even greater than what Kyuhyun might have felt. The horrible emotion making him lose that one thing in his life that meant more than his pride to him - Sungmin.
Stupid fucking pride indeed. Kyuhyun thought as a bitter smile made its way onto his face. It was all too late and he knew that there was no turning back. He couldn't if he wanted to. Not when he already downed half the contents of his bottle of sleeping pills, which, by the way, was the only friend he had nowadays, the only escape he had from the tormenting memories of a love lost, a love he knew he didn't deserve, a love that will never be his again - Lee Sungmin's love.
I love you, Lee Sungmin.
Kyuhyun muttered into the still night's air, voice barely above a whisper as he sighed and heaved what supposedly is his last breath.
~END~
P.S. I just couldn't help myself from writing this./slaps self
P.S.S. I don't know if it's angsty enough. What can I say? Angst is not my forte. NOTHING IS MY FORTE TBH.
P.S.S.S. Thank you Ate Jess for letting me write in this au./huggles
P.S.S.S.S. Unbeta'd. All kinds of grammatical errors are present here. OTL sorry!
P.S.S.S.S.S. Now receiving bricks that may come my way! Toodles!/runs
P.S.S.S.S.S.S. This was somewhat inspired by events IRL, without the suicide attempt, of course. =/
Author: ailaling1017
Genre: angst
Warning/s: yaoi, language, MPREG
Disclaimer: Kyuhyun and Sungmin belong to each other.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: KyuMin; friendship!MinWook
Verse: alternate
Type/Status: One-Shot; Complete, 1,925W
Summary: Kyuhyun finally realized that pride was an evil thing, yet it may already be too late.
A/N: A spin-off to Sad Fate by simbasheart
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARREN! chunrren10
~
Pride.
Whoever invented this particular wretched emotion must be all kinds of fucked up in the head.
Stupid fucking pride.
Pride was the reason why Kyuhyun hadn't asked Sungmin out in the first place, no matter how he had fallen head over heels for the man as he laid eyes on him for the very first time, when he was still on his freshman year. Sungmin was everything Kyuhyun wanted, if not more. Kyuhyun wasn't going to deny it. He was, and still is, a cold person. Yet, unbeknownst to others, Cho Kyuhyun actually had a soft spot in his heart. That spot reserved for a certain Lee Sungmin and him alone. Still, Kyuhyun chose to ignore his feelings - pushing it to the back of his head. Cho Kyuhyun didn't believe in love. He didn't expect to be loved. Expecting was useless and disappointing. Kyuhyun certainly had better things to do.
Kyuhyun knew he was popular but he didn't care. What was he going to do with the unsolicited attention anyway? It's not as if he could eat it. He was a lot of things, but never an attention-seeker. People profess their so-called 'love' for him all the time, but he knew better. Humans tend to equate infatuation with love, but Kyuhyun wasn't going to fall for any of that. Besides, he knew for a fact that those people wouldn't even spare him a second glance had he not been good-looking enough, not tall enough, not intelligent enough, not humorous enough, not enough.
Kyuhyun knew at a young age that no matter how many times people say that love is unconditional, it was actually anything but. If not, why else did his father only acknowledge him whenever he won an award at school? Why didn't he pat Kyuhyun on the head at random times, but only when he brought home a medal? Sure, his mother always assured him that he was important and treasured and loved blah blah blah. But was he really? He couldn't feel it. Not when his mother said the same things to his sister without modification, except perhaps, from their names; copy-pasted like a word document, dictated in verbatim. Then again, perhaps mothers are just like that. It's their obligation to love and nurture their offspring. Kyuhyun still didn't think that he was loved - not without condition, anyway.
Pride was the reason why he hadn't reciprocated Sungmin's confession and merely shrugged his shoulders as he agreed to date the other. Never mind that all he wanted to do at the moment was to hug Sungmin to his chest and tell him how he loved him just as much, if not more. Because, for the record, Cho Kyuhyun didn't, doesn't, and will never believe in love. He wanted to, oh God knows he wanted to. Yet, he was too afraid to gamble something as fragile as his heart, afraid for it to be broken. He knew his heart can never be literally broken per se; which is why he found it all the more difficult to open up. At least with broken objects, sticky tape and glue can always be used to repair what has been damaged. Unlike his heart which can never be mended to return to its original state, never to be whole again - the broken pieces surrendered and irrevocable as it was to be given to the person you choose to love. Kyuhyun wasn't willing to take the risk. He was in denial. Perhaps, he liked Sungmin a little. Okay, he liked Sungmin a lot. But love? No, Kyuhyun didn't think so.
Pride was what made him agree to Sungmin's suggestion of marriage without so much as batting an eyelash. There was never a proper proposal, only a mutual understanding. Sungmin was all too willing and believe him, Kyuhyun was, too. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Sungmin, but of course, Sungmin didn't need to know that. Kyuhyun's pride couldn't... wouldn't allow that. It's not as if a contract and two pieces of silver can change what he had with Sungmin. It was just for formalities' sake. No big deal. Except that he knew that it meant so much to Sungmin. Then again, why should he feel guilty? He was giving him what he wanted by agreeing. Surely, that was enough. Kyuhyun forced himself to believe that it was enough.
Pride was what made him hide his affection for Changmin, no matter how psyched he was that their love surpassed the impossible and bore fruit. When Sungmin started to vomit his guts out every morning, Kyuhyun actually felt a little scared. Okay, he was so scared, afraid that Sungmin had some terminal disease and would die in a given span of time. He was pessimistic, all right. But Kyuhyun had always been that way. Aim low, avoid disappointment. Simple as that - except that it wasn't. Still, he tried his hardest to fight the hollowness at the pit of his stomach whenever he saw Sungmin getting paler by the moment. If Sungmin was going to die, at least Kyuhyun still had his pride with him. He didn't know what he would do with it, he just wanted to have some self-preservation. That's all.
When the doctor announced that Sungmin was pregnant, Kyuhyun found himself gaping in shock. Who wouldn't? He was a studious lad but never had he encountered male pregnancy in his readings. It was, of course, more than welcome of a news. Yet Kyuhyun settled for a tight smile as Sungmin eyed him cautiously, afraid to let the elder know that he was overjoyed by the unexpected turn of events. If he were to equate Sungmin with a word, he'd probably call him as his own miracle. Everything the elder did seemed like a miracle for Kyuhyun. He showed him care beyond his obligation as a spouse without expecting anything in return; he never grew tired of telling Kyuhyun he loved him, never mind that Kyuhyun has yet to say the words himself despite being married for so long. Sungmin was just so selfless - so good to be true. Which is why Kyuhyun was afraid. He was afraid that Sungmin might wake up one day and realize that he deserved better - so much better than what Kyuhyun could offer because really, he did. Kyuhyun acknowledged that, yet he couldn't even bring himself to return the slight squeeze the elder gave his hand as they left the clinic thereafter, terrified that if he let Sungmin know that he needed him that much in his life, he'd end up leaving him anyway. He thought that if Sungmin did leave, at least he wouldn't know how devastated Kyuhyun will be. With that, Kyuhyun felt a little assured. He didn't know why, maybe that was his man pride taking over. Whatever.
Pride was what made him kiss his boss back when she made a move on him; if only to prove to himself that he was not whipped. He wasn't. At least he'd like to think that he wasn't. Never mind that he pushed her away just as her lips met his, not even quite touching. It was an experiment of some sort. He just wanted to test whether he'd feel the same warmth he did whenever he kissed Sungmin, no matter how innocent said kiss may be. But nothing, na da, nil. Nothing. He did, however, find it weird that he heard a dry sob as soon as he edged in closer to kiss her - the voice akin to Sungmin's. But it couldn't have been him. Kyuhyun knew that Sungmin stayed at home to take care of Changmin, carrying Kyuhyun's responsibility as well as his by himself. Kyuhyun acknowledged the guilt but doesn't act on it. What Sungmin didn't know wouldn't hurt him anyway. And he wasn't really cheating, was he? How could he be when he couldn't even kiss other people properly because the thought of Sungmin nagged at his mind all the freaking time. Still, Kyuhyun refused to believe it's love. It couldn't be. Love didn't... doesn't exist.
Pride was what made him brush away Sungmin's attempts at intimacy, shushing his lover with his mouth whenever he wanted to talk by initiating a different kind of talk. That talk utilizing anything except words. Kyuhyun found it easier to let his actions speak for him as he chose to show his emotions through every nip, every lick, every caress, every thrust, every kiss, every other thing but words. Kyuhyun couldn't do conversations. Well, more like, wouldn't.
Pride was what kept him from saying those three words that he knew meant so much to Sungmin. He knew how the elder wanted the assurance brought about by such simple words which held so much meaning, yet Kyuhyun couldn't bring himself to grant his lover that. Because if he did, it would mean throwing away his pride along with the defenses he had put up around him all these years. Besides, they were already married. If Sungmin managed to endure it for four years, seven if you count the years when they were still dating, then surely he'd endure another seven more, seventy-seven more. He has to, he has got to. Kyuhyun was not gonna put out anytime soon. He had his pride to protect, after all.
Pride was what prevented Kyuhyun from running after Sungmin the moment the latter declared their relationship over. The inner turmoil he was feeling at that particlar moment was too great, too great that he couldn't even utter a single word in reply as Sungmin demanded an explanation from him. He knew the right words to say to keep Sungmin with him. He knew three words, to be exact. It's just that he just couldn't bring himself to say them. His pride stopped him from speaking up, only for him to be left alone to crumble with nothing but his pride to hold on to. He realized that his pride was worthless, after all. He clings to it anyway. He didn't have a choice.
Pride was what brought Kyuhyun here, lying all by himself as he stared at the framed photograph of his loved-ones. Yes, Sungmin and Changmin, they were... are his loved-ones. Sungmin, was, and still is, the love of his life. Kyuhyun acknowledges it now, but he figured that it's already too late. What was his pride good for anyway? Now that he thought about it, his pride didn't seem to matter all that much anymore. It only caused him pain and suffering - it caused Sungmin pain and suffering; even greater than what Kyuhyun might have felt. The horrible emotion making him lose that one thing in his life that meant more than his pride to him - Sungmin.
Stupid fucking pride indeed. Kyuhyun thought as a bitter smile made its way onto his face. It was all too late and he knew that there was no turning back. He couldn't if he wanted to. Not when he already downed half the contents of his bottle of sleeping pills, which, by the way, was the only friend he had nowadays, the only escape he had from the tormenting memories of a love lost, a love he knew he didn't deserve, a love that will never be his again - Lee Sungmin's love.
I love you, Lee Sungmin.
Kyuhyun muttered into the still night's air, voice barely above a whisper as he sighed and heaved what supposedly is his last breath.
~END~
P.S. I just couldn't help myself from writing this./slaps self
P.S.S. I don't know if it's angsty enough. What can I say? Angst is not my forte. NOTHING IS MY FORTE TBH.
P.S.S.S. Thank you Ate Jess for letting me write in this au./huggles
P.S.S.S.S. Unbeta'd. All kinds of grammatical errors are present here. OTL sorry!
P.S.S.S.S.S. Now receiving bricks that may come my way! Toodles!/runs
P.S.S.S.S.S.S. This was somewhat inspired by events IRL, without the suicide attempt, of course. =/