(no subject)
After seeing how many of you got goosed today by the HowellSurfCo prank, you obviously forgot one of the most underrated pseudo-holidays of the year. I shouldn't even call it pseudo because after all the shitty politically correct made up holidays, April Fools Day is starting to look pretty legitimate. It's definitely made its way into the Top Five Ultimate Holidays...
#1 - December 25th - Christmas Day
#2 - July 4th - Independence Day
#3 - April 10th - National Alcohol Screening Day/ Tom Carpenter Day
#4 - April 1st - April Fool's Day
#5 - April 15th - Rubber Eraser Day
Don't even try stepping to #5 because where the hell would you be without rubber erasers? That's right, making Big Bufords at the local Checker's because marked a bunch of questions wrong on the HSPA and couldn't go back and erase them. Thus failing the test and never receiving your High School Diploma. I say the with the exception of Christmas, a true holiday is determined by how few Hallmark cards are made for it. For example October 27th - Mother-in-Law's Day isn't a holiday at all because A) most people want to poison their Mother-in-Law when they come over for dinner, B) there is an entire section of 417,322 cards in Hallmark devoted just to Mother-in-Laws, and C) it has two hyphens and anything with two hyphens is just bad news. Of course, there are many other "Al Gore" holidays besides Mother-in-Law's Day. I call them "Al Gore" holidays because they are typically boring and forgotten about despite the fact they've grown a goatee, complain about everything, and have their pictures rejected by PlayGirl. Since there are way too many of these "Al Gore" holidays to write about and proliferating their shittiness wastes my precious energy, I'll dictate to you the Top 5 Worst and Most Pointless Holidays.
#5 - May 1st - Save the Rhino Day
The main problem with this holiday is that it's way too specific. It's not Save >A< Rhino Day, or Save the Rhino>S< Day, it's Save the Rhino. How the hell am I supposed to know what Rhino they're talking about. Hypothetically speaking, let's say I actually cared about Rhinos and other animals that are evolutionary dead ends, and decided to save one or two of them to eat later, am I supposed to arbitrarily pick a rhino to be THE rhino? I say that's not fair, but remember, no ones really knows where the hell this holiday came from in the first place. Let's move on...
#4 - March 16th - Freedom of Information Day
After reading about this holiday I had to check my birth certificate. Yep, I'm a citizen of the United States and can say whatever I want whenever I want, thus making this holiday totally pointless. Unless you're MexiCAN'T speak English, March 16th should mean nothing more to you than just another day. I get the feeling this holiday was the product of confused art students from Brookdale with severe brain trauma who had nothing better to do than whine. Hey guys don't forget, suicide is ALWAYS an option.
#3 - September 16th - Stepfamily Day
I can't relate to this holiday because I've got one of those homogeneous 50's style families, but for a majority of people living in the Pine Barrens, this holiday has special significance, seeing how their step-parents often turn about to be your step-brothers and sisters as well. Then again, let's not forget that all Stepfamilies aren't like the ones you see on the Lifetime network that are always hugging, fondling, and solving problems. A lot of step-parents are abusive and negligent. So here's to you Hallmark, for giving the saying "I'm going to beat you like a red headed stepchild" new meaning for all of us. It might just be me, but it looks like you dropped the ball on this one, good job Hitl... I mean Hallmark.
#2 - May 25th - Towel Day
I had to read this once twice because I thought I was missing something. I thought maybe there was some famous person who cured Syphilis with the last name Towel or something, but no, Towel Day is dedicated to the good ol' cloth product we use to dry ourselves. Now don't get me wrong, I love towels just as much as the next person, but do they really need a national holiday? I went on to read about the holiday, and people start getting all philosophical about towels, for example,
"What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with."
Ummm, last time I played rock paper scissors, gun beat towel, so CLEARLY, owning a towel doesn't make you any more impressive, sorry to say. This may be hard for many of you tree hugging towel loving hippies to swallow, but celebrating Towel Day doesn't make you any less of an idiot.
#1 - October 11th - National Coming Out Day
This is the kicker of them all. I assume by saying "Coming Out" they want US to automatically think "of the closet". How clever! I bet there are a bunch of Gay advocates sitting around a table in Asbury Park right now framing their marriage licenses and patting themselves on the back. What they don't know is that A) Those licenses are going to be revoked before they get to celebrate their holiday again and B) I'm waiting for this holiday too. Next time the Calender reads October 11th, I'm "Coming Out" of the closet... with a baseball bat. Because hey, October 11th seems like a good day to practice some baseball, wouldn't you say? I mean, nothing beats a good old game of heterosexual baseball.
Well that pretty much covers it. HowellSurfCo hasn't been shut down by the government, Al Gore didn't invent the internet, Hallmark IS run by children hating Nazis, and a towel is still, just a towel. Now all we need is beef flavored chicken and we'll be set. Happy April Fool's Day!
P.S. Ryan Woods was the first person to figure out the site was a prank, so hooray.
#1 - December 25th - Christmas Day
#2 - July 4th - Independence Day
#3 - April 10th - National Alcohol Screening Day/ Tom Carpenter Day
#4 - April 1st - April Fool's Day
#5 - April 15th - Rubber Eraser Day
Don't even try stepping to #5 because where the hell would you be without rubber erasers? That's right, making Big Bufords at the local Checker's because marked a bunch of questions wrong on the HSPA and couldn't go back and erase them. Thus failing the test and never receiving your High School Diploma. I say the with the exception of Christmas, a true holiday is determined by how few Hallmark cards are made for it. For example October 27th - Mother-in-Law's Day isn't a holiday at all because A) most people want to poison their Mother-in-Law when they come over for dinner, B) there is an entire section of 417,322 cards in Hallmark devoted just to Mother-in-Laws, and C) it has two hyphens and anything with two hyphens is just bad news. Of course, there are many other "Al Gore" holidays besides Mother-in-Law's Day. I call them "Al Gore" holidays because they are typically boring and forgotten about despite the fact they've grown a goatee, complain about everything, and have their pictures rejected by PlayGirl. Since there are way too many of these "Al Gore" holidays to write about and proliferating their shittiness wastes my precious energy, I'll dictate to you the Top 5 Worst and Most Pointless Holidays.
#5 - May 1st - Save the Rhino Day
The main problem with this holiday is that it's way too specific. It's not Save >A< Rhino Day, or Save the Rhino>S< Day, it's Save the Rhino. How the hell am I supposed to know what Rhino they're talking about. Hypothetically speaking, let's say I actually cared about Rhinos and other animals that are evolutionary dead ends, and decided to save one or two of them to eat later, am I supposed to arbitrarily pick a rhino to be THE rhino? I say that's not fair, but remember, no ones really knows where the hell this holiday came from in the first place. Let's move on...
#4 - March 16th - Freedom of Information Day
After reading about this holiday I had to check my birth certificate. Yep, I'm a citizen of the United States and can say whatever I want whenever I want, thus making this holiday totally pointless. Unless you're MexiCAN'T speak English, March 16th should mean nothing more to you than just another day. I get the feeling this holiday was the product of confused art students from Brookdale with severe brain trauma who had nothing better to do than whine. Hey guys don't forget, suicide is ALWAYS an option.
#3 - September 16th - Stepfamily Day
I can't relate to this holiday because I've got one of those homogeneous 50's style families, but for a majority of people living in the Pine Barrens, this holiday has special significance, seeing how their step-parents often turn about to be your step-brothers and sisters as well. Then again, let's not forget that all Stepfamilies aren't like the ones you see on the Lifetime network that are always hugging, fondling, and solving problems. A lot of step-parents are abusive and negligent. So here's to you Hallmark, for giving the saying "I'm going to beat you like a red headed stepchild" new meaning for all of us. It might just be me, but it looks like you dropped the ball on this one, good job Hitl... I mean Hallmark.
#2 - May 25th - Towel Day
I had to read this once twice because I thought I was missing something. I thought maybe there was some famous person who cured Syphilis with the last name Towel or something, but no, Towel Day is dedicated to the good ol' cloth product we use to dry ourselves. Now don't get me wrong, I love towels just as much as the next person, but do they really need a national holiday? I went on to read about the holiday, and people start getting all philosophical about towels, for example,
"What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with."
Ummm, last time I played rock paper scissors, gun beat towel, so CLEARLY, owning a towel doesn't make you any more impressive, sorry to say. This may be hard for many of you tree hugging towel loving hippies to swallow, but celebrating Towel Day doesn't make you any less of an idiot.
#1 - October 11th - National Coming Out Day
This is the kicker of them all. I assume by saying "Coming Out" they want US to automatically think "of the closet". How clever! I bet there are a bunch of Gay advocates sitting around a table in Asbury Park right now framing their marriage licenses and patting themselves on the back. What they don't know is that A) Those licenses are going to be revoked before they get to celebrate their holiday again and B) I'm waiting for this holiday too. Next time the Calender reads October 11th, I'm "Coming Out" of the closet... with a baseball bat. Because hey, October 11th seems like a good day to practice some baseball, wouldn't you say? I mean, nothing beats a good old game of heterosexual baseball.
Well that pretty much covers it. HowellSurfCo hasn't been shut down by the government, Al Gore didn't invent the internet, Hallmark IS run by children hating Nazis, and a towel is still, just a towel. Now all we need is beef flavored chicken and we'll be set. Happy April Fool's Day!
P.S. Ryan Woods was the first person to figure out the site was a prank, so hooray.