Religion/Spirituality/etc
For me (and this is all just for me, descriptive not prescriptive no matter how I end up phrasing it below), religion/spirituality is a luxury for when life is going well. That is, I don't turn to it in times of hardship (emotional or otherwise) but only spend time on it when things are otherwise going decently in my life.
I gain no solace or comfort from religion/spirituality and I never have. It's part of why I struggle to understand people who do, because it is so completely alien to me. The idea of some sort of life after death is generally considered to be comforting, but I have always found it abhorrent to contemplate on a personal level. One of my very first religious/spiritual 'beliefs' was an absolute rejection of the concept of reincarnation. I could not imagine anything more horrifying than to have to live life all the fuck over again. Depression and suicidal tendencies are clearly a motivating factor in that.
When I'm stressed I shut down. I batten down the hatches and get very, very still. Obviously a coping technique from the abuse I suffered as a child (and later). And that means the last damn thing I'm gonna do when I'm stressed is open myself up in any way to anything that makes me more present and more in touch with feelings or whatever. Because that's dangerous.
When Holly died science, physics, comforted me. Because there's nothing there I have to take on faith. It's demonstrably true. It can be tested. It's not a matter of opinion or hope or desperately wishing for something to be true.
At the same time, I really really enjoyed the time I spent practicing my version of a pagan spirituality. It felt good and it made me feel connected to the world in a positive way. It was fun and I want that feeling again. But I'm afraid and tired and feel vaguely guilty at the thought of 'letting' myself 'indulge' that way.
So no conclusions, but you know, feel free to offer thoughts/opinions on this because I'm sort of floundering and stuff.
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I gain no solace or comfort from religion/spirituality and I never have. It's part of why I struggle to understand people who do, because it is so completely alien to me. The idea of some sort of life after death is generally considered to be comforting, but I have always found it abhorrent to contemplate on a personal level. One of my very first religious/spiritual 'beliefs' was an absolute rejection of the concept of reincarnation. I could not imagine anything more horrifying than to have to live life all the fuck over again. Depression and suicidal tendencies are clearly a motivating factor in that.
When I'm stressed I shut down. I batten down the hatches and get very, very still. Obviously a coping technique from the abuse I suffered as a child (and later). And that means the last damn thing I'm gonna do when I'm stressed is open myself up in any way to anything that makes me more present and more in touch with feelings or whatever. Because that's dangerous.
When Holly died science, physics, comforted me. Because there's nothing there I have to take on faith. It's demonstrably true. It can be tested. It's not a matter of opinion or hope or desperately wishing for something to be true.
At the same time, I really really enjoyed the time I spent practicing my version of a pagan spirituality. It felt good and it made me feel connected to the world in a positive way. It was fun and I want that feeling again. But I'm afraid and tired and feel vaguely guilty at the thought of 'letting' myself 'indulge' that way.
So no conclusions, but you know, feel free to offer thoughts/opinions on this because I'm sort of floundering and stuff.
Posted from DreamWidth.
comments there.
You can comment there with OpenID or a DWth account.