Not Enough 6/?
Title: Not Enough
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
The first day of therapy with Jinki’s appointed psychiatrist didn’t really go as he expected. That morning he was the first up besides of one of the managers. The two of them would be going to Jinki’s appointment before heading to the studio for the first schedule of the day.
He wouldn’t tell anyone but he was a shaking mess inside, afraid of the outcome of the appointment. No one besides Minho and Kibum knew what was going on, they just backed up the older man when he said that he agreed on going to a therapist. Their managers accepted that and carried on out on fixing their schedules and making an appointment for Jinki with a trusty psychiatrist the company had.
On the other hand, Taemin and Jonghyun tried to make Jinki speak up about his reason, what was going on and to let them help but he just shocked his head and gave them an apologetic smile. The two of them looked oddly at Kibum and Minho, searching for answers in them but the only ones they got were that, as much as they showed they knew, they were not speaking a word of it. It was frustrating to no end and Jinki felt guilty for keeping things from the others, specially Taemin after what he put him through but he just couldn’t.
However, when he looked at Jonghyun and saw the worry and frustration in his eyes and actions, he couldn’t help the shameful happiness that swelled inside his chest. Even if he wanted to curl up and hide from that fierce gaze, he enjoyed the attention Jonghyun was giving him. And when the younger man sighed deeply and stood up from their living room couch to hug the older man, repeating the same words that Kibum and Minho had said, that they’d be there for him, he felt his body tense up before he relaxed into his arms and patted his back. He was so self-conscious that he didn’t know how to act but, thankfully, Jonghyun pulled away after a brief second and exited the room as the manager called for him.
Jinki could still feel the tingling sensation and warmth of Jonghyun’s body against his and his cheeks flushed, not enough to alert anyone but enough for Kibum and Minho to see how truly deep their leader was for their lead singer. Noticing their gaze, Jinki cleared his throat and turned to leave before Taemin grabbed his wrist. The younger man looked like he wanted to say a thousand words but none came out of his mouth so he just settled for clinging onto their leader’s arm and making him drop on the couch beside him.
They watched TV for a while, long after their managers had exited stating that they would have their new schedules for tomorrow and to enjoy the rest of the day. Jinki didn’t think that they could have made an appointment that close as in the next day but they managed.
And in all the mindless activities he shared with the members the prior day, it only now downed to him that his was going to be seeing the therapist. He was already sitting on the couch as he barely had the stomach to down a cup of coffee, even less the toast his manager tried to perused him on eating.
They were out the door an hour before his appointment and Jinki regretted his choice in beverage. He could feel the caffeine shooting through his veins and making his heart beat fast from nervousness. Some passion fruit tea would have been better, he argued as he fumbled with his hands on his lap, looking out the window as the other man drove.
So many things could go wrong, so many. His mind racing on all the negative outcomes it could possibly form, making the young man bite his lip, trying to contain his despair. They were already at the parking lot when Jinki felt his phone vibrate, taking it in his hand and seeing one unread message from Kibum. He opened the notification and sighed deeply, a small smile forming on his lips at the text reflected on his cellphone screen.
“Everything will be fine. We’ll be waiting for you. Fighting! ^^b”
He gave a quick response before he was rushed out the van and into the building. As they got into the therapist’s waiting room, Jinki gripped his phone in his hand and told himself that he could do it, he had to try, for the others. The files were quickly filled and before Jinki knew it, he was being lead to the office. He took a deep breath, hopeful that no one noticed how hard his hands were shaking as he entered the room.
The woman stood in greeting and introduced herself as Dr. Jung Hara. Jinki shook her hand and gave a small smile as he introduced himself and sat as instructed. The therapist took his file and opened it, reading briefly over before landing on a blank page and writing down basic information. Jinki grasped at his knees to keep himself in control, smiling nervously as he saw her glance at him from the file in her hand.
“So, Mr. Lee, what brings you over for a visit?” she began as she leaned back on her chair to really look at him as they conversed.
Jinki wetted his lips as he looked at the wall behind the doctor before looking at her, “I haven’t been at my best lately,” he responded and continued when she only nodded and made no effort to speak. “Depressed, I’ve been depressed for a while now…” he looked at his lap for a pause, a need to gather his strength for a second.
“How long has it been? Can you estimate?” the doctor asked after giving him a moment to compose himself.
“Umm,” Jinki frowned for a moment as he tried to come up with a somewhat precise number. “About four, five months?”
“That’s a long time,” she answered as she wrote on the papers, looking at him with a small frown. “Why didn’t you seek help when you realized you were depressed?”
“I did,” he replied, “but I panicked and ended up doing nothing till now.” God, was he nervous. He could feel the conversation stir onto the path that he least wanted it to.
Dr. Jung leaned forward as she spoke, “Be assured that you are protected by law and doctor-patient confidentiality. Your information is completely confidential, only in the use to help you break through this wall of emotions and confusion.” She said with a sort of comforting aura that made Jinki relax against the chair slightly. “And, in order to help you, I’ll need to know what’s scaring you from seeking help. What’s causing you to be depressed?”
Jinki felt his heart jump inside his ribcage as she asked him. He felt paralyzed, shocked for an unknown reason because he clearly knew this was going to have to be said yet he was not ready. He never had been and he though he never would be.
The young man couldn’t bear to look at the therapist so he averted his eyes onto his clasped hands on his lap. He didn’t know how to go around it. Should he just come out and say it? Or should he begin by telling how much he loves all of his members and how much they mean to him and how he really, really didn’t mean for his feelings to grow so ridiculously much for one specific dongsaeng of his.
“Tell me why you panicked,” she offered, seeing the turmoil within the other.
“Aah,” he glanced up at her, taking a few seconds as he formed a coherent sentence. “I was afraid people would find out… Find out why I was going to a therapist and that I’d ruin everything, for everyone.” He confessed and felt his eyes fill with tears but he bit the inside of his cheek.
The doctor inscribed on the document for a moment, looking right back up at Jinki “What made you think that?” The young man stared frozen at her for a few seconds before looking around the office, he was panicking because there was no way they could continue now their session without him confessing. “Calm down, Mr. Lee, I am just trying to understand why do you have so much guilt bottled up inside. It’s necessary for me to be able to help,” she said as she lowered the files onto the table in front of her. She stood silently and filled a glass with water, handing it to him as well as a tissue box. He took the glass with two shaky hands and drank from it as Dr. Jung sat back on her chair. “Better?” she asked after a while, receiving a nod from Jinki, and smiled at him. “It’s completely fine if you wish to cry, no one will judge you,” she waited for a few minutes but Jinki just bit his lip, not really sure as to what to do or say, his mind slowly going blank after his initial panic. “However,” the doctor’s voice broke him from his trance, making him look up at her, “if it’s too hard to talk about, we can skip it for now,” she said but Jinki quickly shook his head. He had to do it, even if it left him as a broken sobbing mess.
He was so confused with his own thoughts, he wasn’t brave enough to talk about it but he knew he had to because the others were counting on him so he’ll get better and be their strong and reliable leader again but he was so afraid of losing everything which just made him get stuck in an endless cycle. Still, he promised he would, even if he didn’t feel any readier than he was the very first day.
“Would you like to talk about it?”, she asked carefully watching as Jinki hesitated for a second before nodding. “Whenever you’re ready,” she said.
Nodding one more time, Jinki took in a deep breath as he built up all the courage he could.
***
By the time Jinki was out of the therapist’s office and back in the van, he had at least cried three to four times during the session. He held in one hand a napkin while he held a cold water bottle over his eyes. His manager didn’t say a word as he drove them to the studio and Jinki was thankful for it. And even if he had said anything, he didn’t think he had the ability to listen or answer as he continuously though of his conversation with the therapist.
His first session didn’t really go as he expected. He though so many, many things and most of them, if not all, ended with either him not being able to mutter a word or being pointed at and everything else going to hell with him. But no, didn’t go like that at all. The psychiatrist was very understanding and the first thing she made him understand was that loving someone was nothing to be ashamed of and the second thing was that it was a very common case for best friends to fall in love. He almost laughed at that, remembering the morning prior and his conversation with Minho and Kibum.
They agreed on working first with Jinki’s sense of guilt and failure, which was the true cause of his depression, she presumed; everything else was just a cover up. He would have to work on accepting his feelings, that they are perfectly normal and that there is nothing wrong with them, even if it was towards his best friend. And to understand that he is not to be accused for letting his emotions get in the way of his work or life and that he did not failed at being a friend, hyung and leader. That this was just a steppingstone in this journey called life and he just needed to get in tune with himself so he could carry on. To find peace with himself, as the doctor had said. After he had done that, then they could help him deal with the situation because he was too frail emotionally to handle it at the moment.
Jinki felt like a useless weakling at that but the doctor assured him that, even if unstable, he was a very strong person and that through therapy he’d find himself soon enough. He just had to want to get through it.
They didn’t talk much about his suicide attempt because Dr. Jung understood it was his sense of guilt, of failure, which drove him to it. She did, however, told him that he had to be hospitalized because of it; at the moment, he was a danger to himself. Jinki was scared of being locked up and, in repercussion, everyone finding out about his situation. However, Dr. Jung offered the alternative of partial hospitalization. From that day on, he would have to attend from 7 am to 2 pm to therapy for three weeks, aside from his weekly visits to her. The idea wasn’t something he very much agreed on but the other option was worse. At least, like this, he could still go to his schedules and not affect the others much.
She also told him to talk to the others whenever he felt too bottled up, to express those dark emotions and thoughts. Doing so that they could help him and to come to her or to any mental health center immediately if he ever had the need to harm himself again.
Jinki had so much information to digest and he didn’t know how to explain any of it to the members as soon as they asked. And, even if he didn’t really like it, he had to tell his manager about the partial hospitalization, his reaction wasn’t that much of excitement. Now, not only the schedules were going to be almost impossible to follow but they have to do it as discretely as possible because one thing was seeing a psychiatrist, another was attending to therapy at an institute on top of it. Things weren’t very bright ahead of them but he just had to make it work.
***
Jinki was thankful to his manager for the water bottle; if it wasn’t for its coldness he would have arrived at the studio with swollen bloodshot eyes. Even if they were still a bit swollen and red, obvious signs that he indeed had cried during his therapy session, they were definitely better off than how they were earlier, thought.
As soon as he entered the studio, the members were all looking at him, their eyes shining with curiosity, except for one. Minho, Taemin and Kibum were either sitting on the couch or on the floor. They had been talking to each other but got interrupted as Jinki entered with his bag on one shoulder. Jonghyun was nowhere to be seen however. He smiled at them, throwing the bag to the side of the dance room where the table with the stereo was.
“Hyung,” Jinki heard from behind him, turning to see that the others were still looking at him. “How did it go?” Taemin was the one asking and Jinki hesitated for a second, thinking if he should or shouldn’t tell them. Though it would be useless to lie since their managers were probably talking with the superiors at that very moment and, soon enough, they would know too.
With a sigh, Jinki approached them, his action alerting the other before he waved his hand to ease their worried expressions. “It went fine.” He told them with a reassuring smile, sitting beside Kibum on the floor. “I’ll be going for sessions twice a week for the time being, though,” he said as an after though.
The others nodded, understanding as to why he would have to visit the psychiatrist so often. Still, they didn’t really comment on it.
“Also,” Jinki said a bit nervous, not really wanting to say it but knowing he had to. And better come from his mouth than from other’s. “I’ll be in partial hospitalization for the next three weeks.” The others looked at him, each with a different mix of emotions but most just shock and confusion. The older man ran a hand through his hair before he continued, “Because of what happened the other day. She thinks it’s the best approach since I’m unstable,” Jinki internally winced at his own words. He sounded so ridiculous saying those things, like a childish greed for attention but those had been the doctor’s words, after all. “It’ll only be from 7 in the morning to 2 pm so I’ll be able to be with you guys for at least half the schedules,” he said before any of them could fret over that much, giving them a small, comforting smile.
“It’s fine, hyung,” Kibum said, seeing the worry in their leader’s eyes. “As long as it helps you, we don’t mind,” he continued as he patted his thigh.
By the sound of the door opening, they all turned as Jonghyun entered the room. Jinki was glad he did at that very moment, in truth, he didn’t really know how he would have worded the news with the younger man there. He loved getting Jonghyun’s attention but talking about those things in front of him made Jinki feel so much guilt for unwillingly making the younger man the cause of his despair and feeling torn apart by how his dongsaeng suffered alongside with him. And that just made it all the worse since he obviously though more about Jonghyun’s emotional state than the others, bringing a new wave of guilt over him.
Jonghyun looked up from his phone, his smile dropping when he saw Jinki. His features changing from surprise to the need to know, to be informed. “Hyung, you’re back,” he said as he rushed to his side, kneeling beside him on the floor. “What happened? How did it go?” he asked impatiently.
Jinki looked at him a bit lost, completely consumed in Jonghyun’s wide-eyed stare, his dark brown eyes burning right throw his soul. And the younger’s hands around his arm didn’t help clear Jinki’s fuzzy head from the closeness of the other. The way Jonghyun’s world stopped for that one second when he saw Jinki inside the dance room made Jinki’s chest swell with a warm feeling. He felt like he was in one of his dreams again where he was the only focus of the lead singer, the only important thing in the whole world because nothing else mattered in Jinki’s dreams but Jonghyun’s unconditional love towards him. And every time Jonghyun centered his attention on him made Jinki feel all his heart coming right out of his mouth as his mind blanked and all he could see was Jonghyun
However, before he could compose himself again, he heard the deep voice of Minho taking Jonghyun’s attention from him momentarily. He did feel grateful for the second Jonghyun’s eyes turned from him to the younger man because he was pretty sure he was staring at him with wide eyes, jaw dropped and a slight blush over his features like a ridiculous schoolgirl. The younger man’s voice was like cold water poured down on him, making him quickly compose himself as he explain his situation to Jonghyun.
When Jonghyun’s eyes were on him again, Jinki was dignified by the suppression of the new heat that threatened to take over his cheeks as Jonghyun pulled the older man into a hug, much like the one he had given him the prior day. And like the day before, he could feel Key and Minho’s eyes on him. He knew they weren’t very approving on the constant physical contact Jonghyun was giving him after gaining the knowledge of his feelings for the younger man but how could they really tell him to stop without letting him know the reason why?
“I’m so glad everything’s going well,” he said as he tightened his hold on Jinki. The older man wrapped his arms around the other loosely. After a few seconds, he pulled back and looked at Jinki’s eyes with a firm gaze. Jinki swore he almost melted at that moment. “But don’t you go closing up on us again, you hear? Or I’ll personally kick your ass”
Jinki chuckled and assured the younger man that he was very fund of his ass and it was in no need for it being kicked, that he would come to them if he ever felt the need to. The younger men were pleased enough for the moment to let it go the moment their choreographer entered the room and told them to begin warmups.
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
The first day of therapy with Jinki’s appointed psychiatrist didn’t really go as he expected. That morning he was the first up besides of one of the managers. The two of them would be going to Jinki’s appointment before heading to the studio for the first schedule of the day.
He wouldn’t tell anyone but he was a shaking mess inside, afraid of the outcome of the appointment. No one besides Minho and Kibum knew what was going on, they just backed up the older man when he said that he agreed on going to a therapist. Their managers accepted that and carried on out on fixing their schedules and making an appointment for Jinki with a trusty psychiatrist the company had.
On the other hand, Taemin and Jonghyun tried to make Jinki speak up about his reason, what was going on and to let them help but he just shocked his head and gave them an apologetic smile. The two of them looked oddly at Kibum and Minho, searching for answers in them but the only ones they got were that, as much as they showed they knew, they were not speaking a word of it. It was frustrating to no end and Jinki felt guilty for keeping things from the others, specially Taemin after what he put him through but he just couldn’t.
However, when he looked at Jonghyun and saw the worry and frustration in his eyes and actions, he couldn’t help the shameful happiness that swelled inside his chest. Even if he wanted to curl up and hide from that fierce gaze, he enjoyed the attention Jonghyun was giving him. And when the younger man sighed deeply and stood up from their living room couch to hug the older man, repeating the same words that Kibum and Minho had said, that they’d be there for him, he felt his body tense up before he relaxed into his arms and patted his back. He was so self-conscious that he didn’t know how to act but, thankfully, Jonghyun pulled away after a brief second and exited the room as the manager called for him.
Jinki could still feel the tingling sensation and warmth of Jonghyun’s body against his and his cheeks flushed, not enough to alert anyone but enough for Kibum and Minho to see how truly deep their leader was for their lead singer. Noticing their gaze, Jinki cleared his throat and turned to leave before Taemin grabbed his wrist. The younger man looked like he wanted to say a thousand words but none came out of his mouth so he just settled for clinging onto their leader’s arm and making him drop on the couch beside him.
They watched TV for a while, long after their managers had exited stating that they would have their new schedules for tomorrow and to enjoy the rest of the day. Jinki didn’t think that they could have made an appointment that close as in the next day but they managed.
And in all the mindless activities he shared with the members the prior day, it only now downed to him that his was going to be seeing the therapist. He was already sitting on the couch as he barely had the stomach to down a cup of coffee, even less the toast his manager tried to perused him on eating.
They were out the door an hour before his appointment and Jinki regretted his choice in beverage. He could feel the caffeine shooting through his veins and making his heart beat fast from nervousness. Some passion fruit tea would have been better, he argued as he fumbled with his hands on his lap, looking out the window as the other man drove.
So many things could go wrong, so many. His mind racing on all the negative outcomes it could possibly form, making the young man bite his lip, trying to contain his despair. They were already at the parking lot when Jinki felt his phone vibrate, taking it in his hand and seeing one unread message from Kibum. He opened the notification and sighed deeply, a small smile forming on his lips at the text reflected on his cellphone screen.
“Everything will be fine. We’ll be waiting for you. Fighting! ^^b”
He gave a quick response before he was rushed out the van and into the building. As they got into the therapist’s waiting room, Jinki gripped his phone in his hand and told himself that he could do it, he had to try, for the others. The files were quickly filled and before Jinki knew it, he was being lead to the office. He took a deep breath, hopeful that no one noticed how hard his hands were shaking as he entered the room.
The woman stood in greeting and introduced herself as Dr. Jung Hara. Jinki shook her hand and gave a small smile as he introduced himself and sat as instructed. The therapist took his file and opened it, reading briefly over before landing on a blank page and writing down basic information. Jinki grasped at his knees to keep himself in control, smiling nervously as he saw her glance at him from the file in her hand.
“So, Mr. Lee, what brings you over for a visit?” she began as she leaned back on her chair to really look at him as they conversed.
Jinki wetted his lips as he looked at the wall behind the doctor before looking at her, “I haven’t been at my best lately,” he responded and continued when she only nodded and made no effort to speak. “Depressed, I’ve been depressed for a while now…” he looked at his lap for a pause, a need to gather his strength for a second.
“How long has it been? Can you estimate?” the doctor asked after giving him a moment to compose himself.
“Umm,” Jinki frowned for a moment as he tried to come up with a somewhat precise number. “About four, five months?”
“That’s a long time,” she answered as she wrote on the papers, looking at him with a small frown. “Why didn’t you seek help when you realized you were depressed?”
“I did,” he replied, “but I panicked and ended up doing nothing till now.” God, was he nervous. He could feel the conversation stir onto the path that he least wanted it to.
Dr. Jung leaned forward as she spoke, “Be assured that you are protected by law and doctor-patient confidentiality. Your information is completely confidential, only in the use to help you break through this wall of emotions and confusion.” She said with a sort of comforting aura that made Jinki relax against the chair slightly. “And, in order to help you, I’ll need to know what’s scaring you from seeking help. What’s causing you to be depressed?”
Jinki felt his heart jump inside his ribcage as she asked him. He felt paralyzed, shocked for an unknown reason because he clearly knew this was going to have to be said yet he was not ready. He never had been and he though he never would be.
The young man couldn’t bear to look at the therapist so he averted his eyes onto his clasped hands on his lap. He didn’t know how to go around it. Should he just come out and say it? Or should he begin by telling how much he loves all of his members and how much they mean to him and how he really, really didn’t mean for his feelings to grow so ridiculously much for one specific dongsaeng of his.
“Tell me why you panicked,” she offered, seeing the turmoil within the other.
“Aah,” he glanced up at her, taking a few seconds as he formed a coherent sentence. “I was afraid people would find out… Find out why I was going to a therapist and that I’d ruin everything, for everyone.” He confessed and felt his eyes fill with tears but he bit the inside of his cheek.
The doctor inscribed on the document for a moment, looking right back up at Jinki “What made you think that?” The young man stared frozen at her for a few seconds before looking around the office, he was panicking because there was no way they could continue now their session without him confessing. “Calm down, Mr. Lee, I am just trying to understand why do you have so much guilt bottled up inside. It’s necessary for me to be able to help,” she said as she lowered the files onto the table in front of her. She stood silently and filled a glass with water, handing it to him as well as a tissue box. He took the glass with two shaky hands and drank from it as Dr. Jung sat back on her chair. “Better?” she asked after a while, receiving a nod from Jinki, and smiled at him. “It’s completely fine if you wish to cry, no one will judge you,” she waited for a few minutes but Jinki just bit his lip, not really sure as to what to do or say, his mind slowly going blank after his initial panic. “However,” the doctor’s voice broke him from his trance, making him look up at her, “if it’s too hard to talk about, we can skip it for now,” she said but Jinki quickly shook his head. He had to do it, even if it left him as a broken sobbing mess.
He was so confused with his own thoughts, he wasn’t brave enough to talk about it but he knew he had to because the others were counting on him so he’ll get better and be their strong and reliable leader again but he was so afraid of losing everything which just made him get stuck in an endless cycle. Still, he promised he would, even if he didn’t feel any readier than he was the very first day.
“Would you like to talk about it?”, she asked carefully watching as Jinki hesitated for a second before nodding. “Whenever you’re ready,” she said.
Nodding one more time, Jinki took in a deep breath as he built up all the courage he could.
***
By the time Jinki was out of the therapist’s office and back in the van, he had at least cried three to four times during the session. He held in one hand a napkin while he held a cold water bottle over his eyes. His manager didn’t say a word as he drove them to the studio and Jinki was thankful for it. And even if he had said anything, he didn’t think he had the ability to listen or answer as he continuously though of his conversation with the therapist.
His first session didn’t really go as he expected. He though so many, many things and most of them, if not all, ended with either him not being able to mutter a word or being pointed at and everything else going to hell with him. But no, didn’t go like that at all. The psychiatrist was very understanding and the first thing she made him understand was that loving someone was nothing to be ashamed of and the second thing was that it was a very common case for best friends to fall in love. He almost laughed at that, remembering the morning prior and his conversation with Minho and Kibum.
They agreed on working first with Jinki’s sense of guilt and failure, which was the true cause of his depression, she presumed; everything else was just a cover up. He would have to work on accepting his feelings, that they are perfectly normal and that there is nothing wrong with them, even if it was towards his best friend. And to understand that he is not to be accused for letting his emotions get in the way of his work or life and that he did not failed at being a friend, hyung and leader. That this was just a steppingstone in this journey called life and he just needed to get in tune with himself so he could carry on. To find peace with himself, as the doctor had said. After he had done that, then they could help him deal with the situation because he was too frail emotionally to handle it at the moment.
Jinki felt like a useless weakling at that but the doctor assured him that, even if unstable, he was a very strong person and that through therapy he’d find himself soon enough. He just had to want to get through it.
They didn’t talk much about his suicide attempt because Dr. Jung understood it was his sense of guilt, of failure, which drove him to it. She did, however, told him that he had to be hospitalized because of it; at the moment, he was a danger to himself. Jinki was scared of being locked up and, in repercussion, everyone finding out about his situation. However, Dr. Jung offered the alternative of partial hospitalization. From that day on, he would have to attend from 7 am to 2 pm to therapy for three weeks, aside from his weekly visits to her. The idea wasn’t something he very much agreed on but the other option was worse. At least, like this, he could still go to his schedules and not affect the others much.
She also told him to talk to the others whenever he felt too bottled up, to express those dark emotions and thoughts. Doing so that they could help him and to come to her or to any mental health center immediately if he ever had the need to harm himself again.
Jinki had so much information to digest and he didn’t know how to explain any of it to the members as soon as they asked. And, even if he didn’t really like it, he had to tell his manager about the partial hospitalization, his reaction wasn’t that much of excitement. Now, not only the schedules were going to be almost impossible to follow but they have to do it as discretely as possible because one thing was seeing a psychiatrist, another was attending to therapy at an institute on top of it. Things weren’t very bright ahead of them but he just had to make it work.
***
Jinki was thankful to his manager for the water bottle; if it wasn’t for its coldness he would have arrived at the studio with swollen bloodshot eyes. Even if they were still a bit swollen and red, obvious signs that he indeed had cried during his therapy session, they were definitely better off than how they were earlier, thought.
As soon as he entered the studio, the members were all looking at him, their eyes shining with curiosity, except for one. Minho, Taemin and Kibum were either sitting on the couch or on the floor. They had been talking to each other but got interrupted as Jinki entered with his bag on one shoulder. Jonghyun was nowhere to be seen however. He smiled at them, throwing the bag to the side of the dance room where the table with the stereo was.
“Hyung,” Jinki heard from behind him, turning to see that the others were still looking at him. “How did it go?” Taemin was the one asking and Jinki hesitated for a second, thinking if he should or shouldn’t tell them. Though it would be useless to lie since their managers were probably talking with the superiors at that very moment and, soon enough, they would know too.
With a sigh, Jinki approached them, his action alerting the other before he waved his hand to ease their worried expressions. “It went fine.” He told them with a reassuring smile, sitting beside Kibum on the floor. “I’ll be going for sessions twice a week for the time being, though,” he said as an after though.
The others nodded, understanding as to why he would have to visit the psychiatrist so often. Still, they didn’t really comment on it.
“Also,” Jinki said a bit nervous, not really wanting to say it but knowing he had to. And better come from his mouth than from other’s. “I’ll be in partial hospitalization for the next three weeks.” The others looked at him, each with a different mix of emotions but most just shock and confusion. The older man ran a hand through his hair before he continued, “Because of what happened the other day. She thinks it’s the best approach since I’m unstable,” Jinki internally winced at his own words. He sounded so ridiculous saying those things, like a childish greed for attention but those had been the doctor’s words, after all. “It’ll only be from 7 in the morning to 2 pm so I’ll be able to be with you guys for at least half the schedules,” he said before any of them could fret over that much, giving them a small, comforting smile.
“It’s fine, hyung,” Kibum said, seeing the worry in their leader’s eyes. “As long as it helps you, we don’t mind,” he continued as he patted his thigh.
By the sound of the door opening, they all turned as Jonghyun entered the room. Jinki was glad he did at that very moment, in truth, he didn’t really know how he would have worded the news with the younger man there. He loved getting Jonghyun’s attention but talking about those things in front of him made Jinki feel so much guilt for unwillingly making the younger man the cause of his despair and feeling torn apart by how his dongsaeng suffered alongside with him. And that just made it all the worse since he obviously though more about Jonghyun’s emotional state than the others, bringing a new wave of guilt over him.
Jonghyun looked up from his phone, his smile dropping when he saw Jinki. His features changing from surprise to the need to know, to be informed. “Hyung, you’re back,” he said as he rushed to his side, kneeling beside him on the floor. “What happened? How did it go?” he asked impatiently.
Jinki looked at him a bit lost, completely consumed in Jonghyun’s wide-eyed stare, his dark brown eyes burning right throw his soul. And the younger’s hands around his arm didn’t help clear Jinki’s fuzzy head from the closeness of the other. The way Jonghyun’s world stopped for that one second when he saw Jinki inside the dance room made Jinki’s chest swell with a warm feeling. He felt like he was in one of his dreams again where he was the only focus of the lead singer, the only important thing in the whole world because nothing else mattered in Jinki’s dreams but Jonghyun’s unconditional love towards him. And every time Jonghyun centered his attention on him made Jinki feel all his heart coming right out of his mouth as his mind blanked and all he could see was Jonghyun
However, before he could compose himself again, he heard the deep voice of Minho taking Jonghyun’s attention from him momentarily. He did feel grateful for the second Jonghyun’s eyes turned from him to the younger man because he was pretty sure he was staring at him with wide eyes, jaw dropped and a slight blush over his features like a ridiculous schoolgirl. The younger man’s voice was like cold water poured down on him, making him quickly compose himself as he explain his situation to Jonghyun.
When Jonghyun’s eyes were on him again, Jinki was dignified by the suppression of the new heat that threatened to take over his cheeks as Jonghyun pulled the older man into a hug, much like the one he had given him the prior day. And like the day before, he could feel Key and Minho’s eyes on him. He knew they weren’t very approving on the constant physical contact Jonghyun was giving him after gaining the knowledge of his feelings for the younger man but how could they really tell him to stop without letting him know the reason why?
“I’m so glad everything’s going well,” he said as he tightened his hold on Jinki. The older man wrapped his arms around the other loosely. After a few seconds, he pulled back and looked at Jinki’s eyes with a firm gaze. Jinki swore he almost melted at that moment. “But don’t you go closing up on us again, you hear? Or I’ll personally kick your ass”
Jinki chuckled and assured the younger man that he was very fund of his ass and it was in no need for it being kicked, that he would come to them if he ever felt the need to. The younger men were pleased enough for the moment to let it go the moment their choreographer entered the room and told them to begin warmups.