Not Enough 5/?
Title: Not Enough
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
Kibum blinked a couple of times as he felt movement on the bed, his eyes getting used to the darkness quickly as he faced Jinki. The older male was trying to release himself from Kibum’s embrace without waking him up but failed. He murmured an apology and Kibum shook his head as he rolled over on his back.
To be honest, Kibum couldn’t remember falling asleep. All he remembered was Jinki crying after his confession. The younger man was indeed shocked by Jinki’s secret and was left speechless for a few minutes. After a while, he had tried to convince the older male that there was nothing wrong with having feelings for someone else, it wasn’t something he could control. But Jinki didn’t listen to his words and just blurted out how bad of a leader and friend he was, which Kibum though was ridiculous.
However, Jinki’s guilt and pain went farther than Kibum could comprehend at the moment because he knew Jinki saw everything through darker eyes than he did. The older man had been beating himself up pretty badly for falling for his bandmate. He wanted to tell him that everything was going to be fine and that no one would judge him but he didn’t actually know that. It was true that they were practically family and that they loved each other very much but he truly didn’t know how the others would take it. How Jonghyun would take it.
He did understand why Jinki felt like he betrayed Jonghyun because, in a kind of messed up way, it made sense even if in reality it was completely unreasonable. But the fact that he understood grew a fear in him that Jonghyun would think like that as well. Though Jonghyun was a great person, it was still a very shocking matter. How often does a best friend, a brother, tell you they’re in love with you? And not only that but, who knew their leader was into men? It was one shocking confession intertwined with another.
It was a very complicated and delicate situation and at that very moment he didn’t know how to deal with it. He would have to talk to him when he’d calm down, make him explain and clear all the questions that popped in his head and understand where Jinki was standing. So, for the time being, the slightly younger male resorted to just curling back against him.
And as Jinki sat up on the bed, Kibum realized that they had been laying on Jinki’s bed the whole day. According to the clock on the other side of the room it was a little past midnight and he felt starved.
Looking back at Jinki, Kibum stretched himself and sat up as well before he spoke. “You hungry? Because I’m starving”, he gave Jinki a small smile only visible because of the city lights.
“A little,” he replied as he rubbed his eyes. He sounded better than before, that was good.
“Then I’ll prepare an early breakfast while you go take a shower,” he took the elder’s writs and pulled him out of the bed as he got up. “We both need one”, he said as he pinched the collar of his shirt and wrinkled his nose.
Jinki smiled as he grabbed his towel and clean clothes while Kibum continued to quietly drag him out their shared room. He was thankful Minho hadn’t stayed in the room with them, he couldn’t have handled the situation if it got to it.
As they got to the bathroom, Kibum smacked Jinki’s butt, making him gasp in surprise before being pushed inside as the younger man laughed. He was glad that Kibum was acting just like he usually was, not pampering him or treating him like he was about to break, even if he was. It gave him just a slight amount of hope that maybe, just maybe, everything could work out somehow.
***
When Jinki got out of the bathroom the first thing he noticed was the smell of food in the apartment. It had been a while since he properly ate and now that he was more calmed his stomach rumbled by the delicious scent
He wrapped his towel on his neck and walked into the kitchen, almost bumping into Kibum. “Oh, hey. I was about to let you know food’s ready”, the younger said with a proud smirk as he stepped back and signaled with his hands the table filled with food Jinki didn’t even know they had. “I’m stuffing you, you’re too thin”, he explained as Jinki’s eyebrows shot up into his bangs, eyes wide open.
“That’s a lot”, he said forcing his eyes away from the table.
Kibum just chuckled and sat down on a chair as he took his fork in hand. “Don’t get too excited, I’ll be eating too. I’m so hungry”, he said, not wasting time to stuff his mouth with the nearest edible item.
Jinki watched the younger hum each time he put food inside his mouth, like he hadn’t eaten in months, before sitting across from him and beginning to eat himself. “Mm, weren’t you going to shower?”, he asked after a few minutes, looking up from his plate to Kibum.
Kibum just looked at him before shrugging as he replied. “Later, this is my priority right now.”
Jinki nodded and went back to eating however, it didn’t take long for him to feel full, not being used to eating so much anymore so soon enough he found himself sipping his coffee as he watched the other eat. Did he eat that much before, when everything was perfectly fine in his world? Probably, possibly more. He was only second to Minho so it really showed how much he skipped his meals.
When Kibum was satisfied, he leaned back on the chair, letting out a groan. “I think I’ll have to go on a diet after this,” he heard Jinki snort at the other end of the table and gave him a grin. “It was worth it,” he said as he patted his belly and gestured at the table. “And we still managed to leave some for the others. Unbelievable.”
“Not really, you made breakfast for a small army,” Jinki said as he rested his lips on his cup before drinking some more coffee. After exhausting his body from the emotional distress, the damn thing never felt nor tasted better.
“Yeah, well. I was hungry and undecided,” he shrugged his shoulders and Jinki smiled at him.
Even if Kibum didn’t say it, Jinki knew he had done it for him. Since he wasn’t eating that much, the younger probably didn’t know what the other wanted so he ended up making a bit of everything he could make with what they had in the kitchen.
“Thank you,” he said after a few seconds of silence.
Kibum looked at him and gave him a smile, “That’s what I’m here for.”
After those words they fell back into silence. It felt nice to be like this, like they were before and they all missed it. Now that his head was clearer, he didn’t know why he had thought about taking his own life to begin with. Even if he felt a burden on his shoulders and a heavy pressure on his chest, he felt better than he had in the last few months. He realized that he did needed to talk to someone, to stop being stubborn and rely on his bandmates as much as they have on him during all these years. Though, he did wish he hadn’t told Kibum so directly because it was obvious that he didn’t know how to react or deal with the situation but the fact that he stayed and held him as he cried gave him strength, something he hadn’t felt for a long while either.
In the silence of the room, Kibum stared at Jinki. The older seem to be lost in his thoughts and he couldn’t really tell what he was thinking. However, he did catch a glimpse of relief in the other’s eyes and that was good enough for him.
Clearing his throat, Kibum placed his mug on the table as he made to speak. “Hyung,” he began as Jinki’s eyes landed on his. He could tell the older man knew where he was going and made no effort to stop so he continued. “How did it happen?”
At first, Jinki made no sign of answering Kibum’s question but, after a few seconds, he placed his mug on the table as well, intertwining his fingers in front of him. “That’s actually a good question,” he said with a small smile. “I don’t really know. I just…” he looked up at Kibum, the younger had no judgment in his eyes, only genuine curiosity. It helped him continue. “When he introduced us to Soo Eun for the first time, that was when I noticed. I didn’t know before, honest. It just felt so natural being so close and open with him, with all of you, that until I didn’t notice until we met her.” He had to stop for a second, it hurt remembering that day. Kibum just waited patiently as his leader composed himself enough to continue. “I felt like my heart got ripped out from my chest, like I couldn’t breathe… It took me a while to accept it,” he said as he wiped unshed tears from his eyes.
Kibum remembered that day, they had teased Jonghyun a lot for having a girlfriend and gave him a few smacks for keeping the secret. They were all so engrossed at that moment with the couple that he really couldn’t remember what had been Jinki’s reaction. But he did remember noticing his absence for a long while before he came back into the living room. Still, he didn’t think anything of it. He hadn’t known that everything in Jinki’s life began to crumble at that very moment.
“Why didn’t you come to me?”
Jinki shook his head as he looked back at the younger man. “I couldn’t… Besides, I thought I could handle it. Thought it was a crush that would go away with time and everything would have been as it always had been.”
“Yet it wasn’t,” Kibum said as he leaned forward. “Why didn’t you come to me after you noticed?”
“I felt like I betrayed all of you. I couldn’t…” he sighed, messing his hair with a hand. “I looked for help,” he said, continuing when Kibum just rose his eyebrow in confusion. “The day I disappeared and told you guys I was at the park, remember?” Kibum gave him a small nod after thinking back for a second. “I went to see a therapist. Well, I intended to but I panicked so I hid in the park,” he said, looking down at his mug. The coffee was probably cold already.
“Hyung, you don’t need to go into a stranger’s office when you have us here,” Kibum said as he reached for Jinki’s hand, making him look at him. “You can’t tell Jonghyun hyung, fine but there’s still Minho, Taemin and I; we are here for you. Let us be your pillar of support when you need us to,” he said as he squeezed his hand lightly. “I know this is very delicate but it’s not impossible to solve. We’ll find a way together,” Kibum said but was interrupted by someone entering the kitchen.
Jinki hadn’t notice anything until Kibum got distracted, looking over his shoulder. His brain didn’t process quick enough before he felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders. He swore his heart stopped for a second, his mind completely blank. It wasn’t until the other man spoke that Jinki relaxed into the embrace. “We will,” said Minho as he tightens his hold on the older man. All Jinki could think about was how lucky he was it hadn’t been Jonghyun.
However, the sweet moment was ruined by Kibum smacking on the younger man’s head. “Yah, don’t go eavesdropping on people’s conversations,” he said with a glare that matched Minho’s.
“I wouldn’t have woken up if you hadn’t been so loud at preparing breakfast,” he said as he took an apple and chew on it. “Next time you want a private conversation check the couch for signs of life, will you?” he said as he sat down next to Jinki. The older male looked awfully guilty by the younger’s words. “Not you, Jinki hyung,” he said quickly to wash away the guilt from him. “Its Kibum hyung who smacked my head,” he rubbed the back of his head unconsciously.
Kibum just rolled his eyes before turning back to Jinki. “But there you have it, even Minho said it himself,” he continued their previous conversation. “There’s no need to carry this alone anymore, hyung. There never was,” he said, watching Jinki bite the inside of his cheek. The older man was left speechless.
“And even if you think of it as unusual, it really isn’t,” Minho said taking Jinki’s concentration towards him. “It very common for best friends to fall in love, either one sided or mutual,” he said but Jinki didn’t look convinced.
“It’s true, it happens all the time,” Kibum said, trying to support Minho’s words to at least comfort that part of Jinki which screamed wrong at the whole situation. “And people do end up being able to find their happy middle, like they never fell for them at all.”
Jinki sighed as he listened to their words. He truly wished he could make things go back at how they were, caring for the members equally as the hyung and brother he was to them. But no matter how much he wished it, he just couldn’t see it happening. So many months have passed, so many tears were spilled, so much pain to endure. He shook his head as he looked down at his hands; he just couldn’t see it happening.
“I don’t think I can do it,” he whispered softly, feeling ashamed by his vulnerability before his dongsaengs.
Kibum and Minho exchanged a look before Minho wrapped an arm around the elder boy and brought him closer to him. “Of course you can, hyung. And we’ll be beside you, helping you,” he said as he rubbed his shoulder to comfort him.
However, Jinki just shook his head again, “I failed you, all of you. I shouldn’t even-”
“Don’t you dare, Jinki hyung,” Kibum interrupted him, a feeling of tightness in his chest was making it harder to breath. Jinki looked up at him, guilt all over his features. “Hyung, you haven’t failed in anything. This is just a reminder that we are not just idols but humans. We fall in love and not always with the most convenient person. But it’s just how things work and it just so happens that it was your turn to be a human, hyung. But next time it could be any of us so just don’t,” he said as he looked firmly into the other’s eyes.
Jinki seemed at a loss for words so Minho decided to push a little and test out the waters. The subject was going to be brought up at some point either way so better let it be when Jinki was at his calmest moment. “Hyung,” Minho said in a deep voice, breaking the trance that the elder seem to be in the other’s eyes, making him look at him. “Don’t ever think you are expandable, because you aren’t,” he said slowly, making each word sink in and taking his time to form the words with care. “So, from now on you must speak up whenever you are having a hard or if it’s for the most mundane thing. Let yourself open up once in a while because we hate seeing you hurt,” he leaned closer and rested his head on top of Jinki’s and inhaled deeply as he formed his next words. “Let us help you chase away those sorrowful and harmful thoughts.”
Jinki didn’t look at Minho or Kibum, he didn’t even tried to hide away like he had done when Taemin saw him at his worst. Only for a moment did Minho think that his hyung hadn’t caught on what he was trying to say before he felt his shoulders trembling and saw Kibum move closer to wipe away Jinki’s tears.
“Yah, don’t go crying again, hyung,” Kibum said as he attempt to dry the tears that fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. He could feel tears of his own accumulating in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Jinki whispered under his breath as he looked anywhere but at his two younger friends.
Minho only tightened his hold on the male while Kibum shook his head and gave him a sad smile. “It’s not your fault. Sentiments gets the better of us sometimes. But just,” he took Jinki’s face between his hands and Jinki just couldn’t help but feel like a child at how caring and careful they handled him. A fresh wave of tears rolled down his face as he looked right back at the younger man. “don’t try that ever again, okay?” He didn’t have to wait at all at how fast the older male nodded his head. “Good. Just tell us if it comes back,” he received another nod as a reply. Jinki didn’t trust his vocal chords to produce any coherent sound at the moment.
After what seemed like an eternity, Jinki straightened up, patting Minho’s thigh to let him know he was feeling better. Kibum was still kneeling beside him and Minho leaned back to give him some space. Through all their conversation, there was still one thing he was curious about.
“What happened with yesterday’s schedule?” he asked once he drank some water that was handed to him by Minho.
The youngest looked at each other, not knowing how to reply but their silence was enough of an answer.
“So it was because of that, huh?” he said as he sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. Both Kibum and Minho looked at him cautiously as they waited for something to happen. However, what came from the eldest was another question. “What did the managers say?”
“Umm,” Minho scratched the back of his head as though of what to say.
“I asked for the day off. To talk to you,” Kibum admitted.
“So they know,” it wasn’t a question but he still received a nod from both and from the hesitation they showed he knew there was something more.
“What is it?” he frowned.
“They made us agree to a something,” Minho said.
“What?”
He sighed before continuing, “That if you were still not okay, you’d have to see a specialist.”
Jinki stared at Minho dumbfounded. He was still afraid of going to a therapist, much like the day he had tried to do an appointment. He could tell that the other two knew he would probably flip if he had to attend to one but, as the days went by, he couldn’t deny it himself that maybe, just maybe, it would help him if just a tiny bit. It surprised even himself as he actually though of the idea again and considered it but he had brought too much pain to those who weren’t even involved in the situation. That wasn’t something he could allow himself to do, no matter how panic indulging the idea was.
With a deep sigh, Jinki nodded his head much to the other two’s confusion. “I think it’s worth giving a try,” he said and now it was Kibum and Minho’s moment to stare in shock.
“What?”, they said in unison.
“Maybe it’ll help,” he said before adding. “I mean, the darker aspects of this anyway. Maybe a professional might help with it. Maybe cure it.”
“Hyung you are not ill,” Minho said in frustration at what he was suggesting but only got a small smile as an answer.
“We can help you too, hyung. There’s no need for that. I’ll take to them and convince them that-“
“It’s okay, Kibummie,” he said affectionately to the other. “I know you can help but I don’t want to hurt any of you by the kind of things that happened the previous night.” He looked down in shame at the memory.
“Will you not let us in?”
Jinki didn’t know who asked but just shook his head, “I will.” He patted Minho’s thigh again and squeezed Kibum’s shoulder as he spoke. “I just… I don’t want you to deal with the mess. Not right now. We all need a break,” he said and could see the protest in their eyes. “Give me time.”
Kibum groaned and glared at his hyung for the first time in a long while. “We gave you months and look what almost happened!”
Jinki felt guilt again, eating him up at his statement. “I know and I’m sorry.”
“No, hyung. I didn’t mean it like that,” he said taking a deep breath. “I just wish you could trust us, really on us rather than on a stranger,” he said and he knew he sounded selfish, which he was. He knew Jinki was in a deep depression and probably every word coming out of his mouth was torture for him but he just wanted to be the one that the elder ran to for consoling and comfort. Not some stranger with a degree. He glanced at Minho and he could tell the other was thinking something along the lines as he was. They were all greedy for their hyung’s unrestrained openness.
Jinki nodded in understanding but he knew also that what he kept inside was too much for them to handle. If they knew how he felt every time he saw Jonghyun, how he’d make some stupid joke or gag to cover up his rosy cheeks and reddening neck. How he felt his heart get stabbed every single moment Jonghyun talked to Soo Eun or whenever he would bring her. How he felt sick every time they would steal each other kisses and Jinki would be the unfortunate one to see them. Or how it killed him that, even though he was an important person in the younger’s life, he would never be that special someone to him. He would always be Jinki hyung, his blood unrelated brother.
They wouldn’t be able to understand the desire he had to just scream his lungs out that he loved Jonghyun. Or the way he would always have to look away every time Jonghyun did something that would bring butterflies in his stomach or cause tingling sensations on his ear whenever he would lean in to whisper into his ear.
Jinki was a complete mess and utterly and profoundly in love with Kim Jonghyun.
No other love could compare to his. Shamefully, he would tell himself that not even Soo Eun would love Jonghyun as much as he did. They’ve only been going out for almost two years, yet Jinki was known Jonghyun since their middle school years.
Looking back, he realized he had always liked Jonghyun. That would explain the reason why he always felt uncomfortable with the presence of his previous partners or why he would think as best whenever they broke up. He was a selfish person and he had only himself to blame for his suffering. It probably summed up every breakup Jonghyun went through that lightened up his uneasiness while it broke the poor younger boy’s heart.
He shook his head again, feeling a bit flustered by thinking about the younger man, and squeezed each limb of his dongsaeng’s he was resting his hands on. “I will,” he repeated before adding, “But I think I need this.”
Kibum and Minho stayed silent for a little while finding it hard to accept but understanding his unspoken reasons.
“Just promise you’ll never hide this again. You’ll come to us, alright?” Kibum said, looking firmly at Jinki.
The older male gave him the best smile he could form before nodding. “I promise.”
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
Kibum blinked a couple of times as he felt movement on the bed, his eyes getting used to the darkness quickly as he faced Jinki. The older male was trying to release himself from Kibum’s embrace without waking him up but failed. He murmured an apology and Kibum shook his head as he rolled over on his back.
To be honest, Kibum couldn’t remember falling asleep. All he remembered was Jinki crying after his confession. The younger man was indeed shocked by Jinki’s secret and was left speechless for a few minutes. After a while, he had tried to convince the older male that there was nothing wrong with having feelings for someone else, it wasn’t something he could control. But Jinki didn’t listen to his words and just blurted out how bad of a leader and friend he was, which Kibum though was ridiculous.
However, Jinki’s guilt and pain went farther than Kibum could comprehend at the moment because he knew Jinki saw everything through darker eyes than he did. The older man had been beating himself up pretty badly for falling for his bandmate. He wanted to tell him that everything was going to be fine and that no one would judge him but he didn’t actually know that. It was true that they were practically family and that they loved each other very much but he truly didn’t know how the others would take it. How Jonghyun would take it.
He did understand why Jinki felt like he betrayed Jonghyun because, in a kind of messed up way, it made sense even if in reality it was completely unreasonable. But the fact that he understood grew a fear in him that Jonghyun would think like that as well. Though Jonghyun was a great person, it was still a very shocking matter. How often does a best friend, a brother, tell you they’re in love with you? And not only that but, who knew their leader was into men? It was one shocking confession intertwined with another.
It was a very complicated and delicate situation and at that very moment he didn’t know how to deal with it. He would have to talk to him when he’d calm down, make him explain and clear all the questions that popped in his head and understand where Jinki was standing. So, for the time being, the slightly younger male resorted to just curling back against him.
And as Jinki sat up on the bed, Kibum realized that they had been laying on Jinki’s bed the whole day. According to the clock on the other side of the room it was a little past midnight and he felt starved.
Looking back at Jinki, Kibum stretched himself and sat up as well before he spoke. “You hungry? Because I’m starving”, he gave Jinki a small smile only visible because of the city lights.
“A little,” he replied as he rubbed his eyes. He sounded better than before, that was good.
“Then I’ll prepare an early breakfast while you go take a shower,” he took the elder’s writs and pulled him out of the bed as he got up. “We both need one”, he said as he pinched the collar of his shirt and wrinkled his nose.
Jinki smiled as he grabbed his towel and clean clothes while Kibum continued to quietly drag him out their shared room. He was thankful Minho hadn’t stayed in the room with them, he couldn’t have handled the situation if it got to it.
As they got to the bathroom, Kibum smacked Jinki’s butt, making him gasp in surprise before being pushed inside as the younger man laughed. He was glad that Kibum was acting just like he usually was, not pampering him or treating him like he was about to break, even if he was. It gave him just a slight amount of hope that maybe, just maybe, everything could work out somehow.
***
When Jinki got out of the bathroom the first thing he noticed was the smell of food in the apartment. It had been a while since he properly ate and now that he was more calmed his stomach rumbled by the delicious scent
He wrapped his towel on his neck and walked into the kitchen, almost bumping into Kibum. “Oh, hey. I was about to let you know food’s ready”, the younger said with a proud smirk as he stepped back and signaled with his hands the table filled with food Jinki didn’t even know they had. “I’m stuffing you, you’re too thin”, he explained as Jinki’s eyebrows shot up into his bangs, eyes wide open.
“That’s a lot”, he said forcing his eyes away from the table.
Kibum just chuckled and sat down on a chair as he took his fork in hand. “Don’t get too excited, I’ll be eating too. I’m so hungry”, he said, not wasting time to stuff his mouth with the nearest edible item.
Jinki watched the younger hum each time he put food inside his mouth, like he hadn’t eaten in months, before sitting across from him and beginning to eat himself. “Mm, weren’t you going to shower?”, he asked after a few minutes, looking up from his plate to Kibum.
Kibum just looked at him before shrugging as he replied. “Later, this is my priority right now.”
Jinki nodded and went back to eating however, it didn’t take long for him to feel full, not being used to eating so much anymore so soon enough he found himself sipping his coffee as he watched the other eat. Did he eat that much before, when everything was perfectly fine in his world? Probably, possibly more. He was only second to Minho so it really showed how much he skipped his meals.
When Kibum was satisfied, he leaned back on the chair, letting out a groan. “I think I’ll have to go on a diet after this,” he heard Jinki snort at the other end of the table and gave him a grin. “It was worth it,” he said as he patted his belly and gestured at the table. “And we still managed to leave some for the others. Unbelievable.”
“Not really, you made breakfast for a small army,” Jinki said as he rested his lips on his cup before drinking some more coffee. After exhausting his body from the emotional distress, the damn thing never felt nor tasted better.
“Yeah, well. I was hungry and undecided,” he shrugged his shoulders and Jinki smiled at him.
Even if Kibum didn’t say it, Jinki knew he had done it for him. Since he wasn’t eating that much, the younger probably didn’t know what the other wanted so he ended up making a bit of everything he could make with what they had in the kitchen.
“Thank you,” he said after a few seconds of silence.
Kibum looked at him and gave him a smile, “That’s what I’m here for.”
After those words they fell back into silence. It felt nice to be like this, like they were before and they all missed it. Now that his head was clearer, he didn’t know why he had thought about taking his own life to begin with. Even if he felt a burden on his shoulders and a heavy pressure on his chest, he felt better than he had in the last few months. He realized that he did needed to talk to someone, to stop being stubborn and rely on his bandmates as much as they have on him during all these years. Though, he did wish he hadn’t told Kibum so directly because it was obvious that he didn’t know how to react or deal with the situation but the fact that he stayed and held him as he cried gave him strength, something he hadn’t felt for a long while either.
In the silence of the room, Kibum stared at Jinki. The older seem to be lost in his thoughts and he couldn’t really tell what he was thinking. However, he did catch a glimpse of relief in the other’s eyes and that was good enough for him.
Clearing his throat, Kibum placed his mug on the table as he made to speak. “Hyung,” he began as Jinki’s eyes landed on his. He could tell the older man knew where he was going and made no effort to stop so he continued. “How did it happen?”
At first, Jinki made no sign of answering Kibum’s question but, after a few seconds, he placed his mug on the table as well, intertwining his fingers in front of him. “That’s actually a good question,” he said with a small smile. “I don’t really know. I just…” he looked up at Kibum, the younger had no judgment in his eyes, only genuine curiosity. It helped him continue. “When he introduced us to Soo Eun for the first time, that was when I noticed. I didn’t know before, honest. It just felt so natural being so close and open with him, with all of you, that until I didn’t notice until we met her.” He had to stop for a second, it hurt remembering that day. Kibum just waited patiently as his leader composed himself enough to continue. “I felt like my heart got ripped out from my chest, like I couldn’t breathe… It took me a while to accept it,” he said as he wiped unshed tears from his eyes.
Kibum remembered that day, they had teased Jonghyun a lot for having a girlfriend and gave him a few smacks for keeping the secret. They were all so engrossed at that moment with the couple that he really couldn’t remember what had been Jinki’s reaction. But he did remember noticing his absence for a long while before he came back into the living room. Still, he didn’t think anything of it. He hadn’t known that everything in Jinki’s life began to crumble at that very moment.
“Why didn’t you come to me?”
Jinki shook his head as he looked back at the younger man. “I couldn’t… Besides, I thought I could handle it. Thought it was a crush that would go away with time and everything would have been as it always had been.”
“Yet it wasn’t,” Kibum said as he leaned forward. “Why didn’t you come to me after you noticed?”
“I felt like I betrayed all of you. I couldn’t…” he sighed, messing his hair with a hand. “I looked for help,” he said, continuing when Kibum just rose his eyebrow in confusion. “The day I disappeared and told you guys I was at the park, remember?” Kibum gave him a small nod after thinking back for a second. “I went to see a therapist. Well, I intended to but I panicked so I hid in the park,” he said, looking down at his mug. The coffee was probably cold already.
“Hyung, you don’t need to go into a stranger’s office when you have us here,” Kibum said as he reached for Jinki’s hand, making him look at him. “You can’t tell Jonghyun hyung, fine but there’s still Minho, Taemin and I; we are here for you. Let us be your pillar of support when you need us to,” he said as he squeezed his hand lightly. “I know this is very delicate but it’s not impossible to solve. We’ll find a way together,” Kibum said but was interrupted by someone entering the kitchen.
Jinki hadn’t notice anything until Kibum got distracted, looking over his shoulder. His brain didn’t process quick enough before he felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders. He swore his heart stopped for a second, his mind completely blank. It wasn’t until the other man spoke that Jinki relaxed into the embrace. “We will,” said Minho as he tightens his hold on the older man. All Jinki could think about was how lucky he was it hadn’t been Jonghyun.
However, the sweet moment was ruined by Kibum smacking on the younger man’s head. “Yah, don’t go eavesdropping on people’s conversations,” he said with a glare that matched Minho’s.
“I wouldn’t have woken up if you hadn’t been so loud at preparing breakfast,” he said as he took an apple and chew on it. “Next time you want a private conversation check the couch for signs of life, will you?” he said as he sat down next to Jinki. The older male looked awfully guilty by the younger’s words. “Not you, Jinki hyung,” he said quickly to wash away the guilt from him. “Its Kibum hyung who smacked my head,” he rubbed the back of his head unconsciously.
Kibum just rolled his eyes before turning back to Jinki. “But there you have it, even Minho said it himself,” he continued their previous conversation. “There’s no need to carry this alone anymore, hyung. There never was,” he said, watching Jinki bite the inside of his cheek. The older man was left speechless.
“And even if you think of it as unusual, it really isn’t,” Minho said taking Jinki’s concentration towards him. “It very common for best friends to fall in love, either one sided or mutual,” he said but Jinki didn’t look convinced.
“It’s true, it happens all the time,” Kibum said, trying to support Minho’s words to at least comfort that part of Jinki which screamed wrong at the whole situation. “And people do end up being able to find their happy middle, like they never fell for them at all.”
Jinki sighed as he listened to their words. He truly wished he could make things go back at how they were, caring for the members equally as the hyung and brother he was to them. But no matter how much he wished it, he just couldn’t see it happening. So many months have passed, so many tears were spilled, so much pain to endure. He shook his head as he looked down at his hands; he just couldn’t see it happening.
“I don’t think I can do it,” he whispered softly, feeling ashamed by his vulnerability before his dongsaengs.
Kibum and Minho exchanged a look before Minho wrapped an arm around the elder boy and brought him closer to him. “Of course you can, hyung. And we’ll be beside you, helping you,” he said as he rubbed his shoulder to comfort him.
However, Jinki just shook his head again, “I failed you, all of you. I shouldn’t even-”
“Don’t you dare, Jinki hyung,” Kibum interrupted him, a feeling of tightness in his chest was making it harder to breath. Jinki looked up at him, guilt all over his features. “Hyung, you haven’t failed in anything. This is just a reminder that we are not just idols but humans. We fall in love and not always with the most convenient person. But it’s just how things work and it just so happens that it was your turn to be a human, hyung. But next time it could be any of us so just don’t,” he said as he looked firmly into the other’s eyes.
Jinki seemed at a loss for words so Minho decided to push a little and test out the waters. The subject was going to be brought up at some point either way so better let it be when Jinki was at his calmest moment. “Hyung,” Minho said in a deep voice, breaking the trance that the elder seem to be in the other’s eyes, making him look at him. “Don’t ever think you are expandable, because you aren’t,” he said slowly, making each word sink in and taking his time to form the words with care. “So, from now on you must speak up whenever you are having a hard or if it’s for the most mundane thing. Let yourself open up once in a while because we hate seeing you hurt,” he leaned closer and rested his head on top of Jinki’s and inhaled deeply as he formed his next words. “Let us help you chase away those sorrowful and harmful thoughts.”
Jinki didn’t look at Minho or Kibum, he didn’t even tried to hide away like he had done when Taemin saw him at his worst. Only for a moment did Minho think that his hyung hadn’t caught on what he was trying to say before he felt his shoulders trembling and saw Kibum move closer to wipe away Jinki’s tears.
“Yah, don’t go crying again, hyung,” Kibum said as he attempt to dry the tears that fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. He could feel tears of his own accumulating in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Jinki whispered under his breath as he looked anywhere but at his two younger friends.
Minho only tightened his hold on the male while Kibum shook his head and gave him a sad smile. “It’s not your fault. Sentiments gets the better of us sometimes. But just,” he took Jinki’s face between his hands and Jinki just couldn’t help but feel like a child at how caring and careful they handled him. A fresh wave of tears rolled down his face as he looked right back at the younger man. “don’t try that ever again, okay?” He didn’t have to wait at all at how fast the older male nodded his head. “Good. Just tell us if it comes back,” he received another nod as a reply. Jinki didn’t trust his vocal chords to produce any coherent sound at the moment.
After what seemed like an eternity, Jinki straightened up, patting Minho’s thigh to let him know he was feeling better. Kibum was still kneeling beside him and Minho leaned back to give him some space. Through all their conversation, there was still one thing he was curious about.
“What happened with yesterday’s schedule?” he asked once he drank some water that was handed to him by Minho.
The youngest looked at each other, not knowing how to reply but their silence was enough of an answer.
“So it was because of that, huh?” he said as he sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. Both Kibum and Minho looked at him cautiously as they waited for something to happen. However, what came from the eldest was another question. “What did the managers say?”
“Umm,” Minho scratched the back of his head as though of what to say.
“I asked for the day off. To talk to you,” Kibum admitted.
“So they know,” it wasn’t a question but he still received a nod from both and from the hesitation they showed he knew there was something more.
“What is it?” he frowned.
“They made us agree to a something,” Minho said.
“What?”
He sighed before continuing, “That if you were still not okay, you’d have to see a specialist.”
Jinki stared at Minho dumbfounded. He was still afraid of going to a therapist, much like the day he had tried to do an appointment. He could tell that the other two knew he would probably flip if he had to attend to one but, as the days went by, he couldn’t deny it himself that maybe, just maybe, it would help him if just a tiny bit. It surprised even himself as he actually though of the idea again and considered it but he had brought too much pain to those who weren’t even involved in the situation. That wasn’t something he could allow himself to do, no matter how panic indulging the idea was.
With a deep sigh, Jinki nodded his head much to the other two’s confusion. “I think it’s worth giving a try,” he said and now it was Kibum and Minho’s moment to stare in shock.
“What?”, they said in unison.
“Maybe it’ll help,” he said before adding. “I mean, the darker aspects of this anyway. Maybe a professional might help with it. Maybe cure it.”
“Hyung you are not ill,” Minho said in frustration at what he was suggesting but only got a small smile as an answer.
“We can help you too, hyung. There’s no need for that. I’ll take to them and convince them that-“
“It’s okay, Kibummie,” he said affectionately to the other. “I know you can help but I don’t want to hurt any of you by the kind of things that happened the previous night.” He looked down in shame at the memory.
“Will you not let us in?”
Jinki didn’t know who asked but just shook his head, “I will.” He patted Minho’s thigh again and squeezed Kibum’s shoulder as he spoke. “I just… I don’t want you to deal with the mess. Not right now. We all need a break,” he said and could see the protest in their eyes. “Give me time.”
Kibum groaned and glared at his hyung for the first time in a long while. “We gave you months and look what almost happened!”
Jinki felt guilt again, eating him up at his statement. “I know and I’m sorry.”
“No, hyung. I didn’t mean it like that,” he said taking a deep breath. “I just wish you could trust us, really on us rather than on a stranger,” he said and he knew he sounded selfish, which he was. He knew Jinki was in a deep depression and probably every word coming out of his mouth was torture for him but he just wanted to be the one that the elder ran to for consoling and comfort. Not some stranger with a degree. He glanced at Minho and he could tell the other was thinking something along the lines as he was. They were all greedy for their hyung’s unrestrained openness.
Jinki nodded in understanding but he knew also that what he kept inside was too much for them to handle. If they knew how he felt every time he saw Jonghyun, how he’d make some stupid joke or gag to cover up his rosy cheeks and reddening neck. How he felt his heart get stabbed every single moment Jonghyun talked to Soo Eun or whenever he would bring her. How he felt sick every time they would steal each other kisses and Jinki would be the unfortunate one to see them. Or how it killed him that, even though he was an important person in the younger’s life, he would never be that special someone to him. He would always be Jinki hyung, his blood unrelated brother.
They wouldn’t be able to understand the desire he had to just scream his lungs out that he loved Jonghyun. Or the way he would always have to look away every time Jonghyun did something that would bring butterflies in his stomach or cause tingling sensations on his ear whenever he would lean in to whisper into his ear.
Jinki was a complete mess and utterly and profoundly in love with Kim Jonghyun.
No other love could compare to his. Shamefully, he would tell himself that not even Soo Eun would love Jonghyun as much as he did. They’ve only been going out for almost two years, yet Jinki was known Jonghyun since their middle school years.
Looking back, he realized he had always liked Jonghyun. That would explain the reason why he always felt uncomfortable with the presence of his previous partners or why he would think as best whenever they broke up. He was a selfish person and he had only himself to blame for his suffering. It probably summed up every breakup Jonghyun went through that lightened up his uneasiness while it broke the poor younger boy’s heart.
He shook his head again, feeling a bit flustered by thinking about the younger man, and squeezed each limb of his dongsaeng’s he was resting his hands on. “I will,” he repeated before adding, “But I think I need this.”
Kibum and Minho stayed silent for a little while finding it hard to accept but understanding his unspoken reasons.
“Just promise you’ll never hide this again. You’ll come to us, alright?” Kibum said, looking firmly at Jinki.
The older male gave him the best smile he could form before nodding. “I promise.”