Not Enough 4/?
Title: Not Enough
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
By the time the rest of them got home after the incident, Taemin was a shaking mess on the couch looking at nothing as his brain tried to process what had almost happen. At first, when his hyungs approached him and asked him what was wrong, Taemin just took a deep breath before sighing deeply as well. He could feel his chest and throat constrict and his eyes water a bit. Taemin usually never cried so, seen his reaction, his hyungs began to worry and panic.
When Minho looked around and saw no sign of Jinki, he wasted no time in asking about his whereabouts. The maknae looked at the second youngest and gesture with a wave of his hand to their shared room.
“He locked himself in after I arrived,” he said with longer pauses then needed. He knew that as soon as he told his hyungs what had happen, things would get worse than before. And, if Taemin was completely honest with himself, he couldn’t stand waiting for the older male to open up. Not after all the signs.
After a few seconds of silence, they knew that what needed to be said next to clear them from all their doubts and worries wasn’t going to be very nice. So they hesitated as well, not knowing how to ask or if they really wanted to know.
Finally, it was Kibum that broke the silence. “Is he okay? Did you guys fight or something?” He could see the younger boy struggle with his thoughts, opening his mouth a few times to try and say something that never came through. “What, Taemin? What?” He was getting impatient not knowing what could have shaken up their strong maknae so much.
“He was about to do it,” he said in a soft yet firm tone. He looked at his hands on his lap as he spoke. It was all so tiring, he really couldn’t keep up anymore yet, he knew he had to. “I found him in the kitchen, knife in had,” he shook his head a little as he remembered his hyung’s words and his reaction when Taemin called out to him. “He was murmuring to himself, like he always does but… he was convincing himself,” he looked up at them clasping his hands tightly. By the look on his hyung’s faces, they were either not processing his words or just in total shock. “I tried to talk to him but, as soon as he saw me, he dropped it and ran to his room,” Taemin sighed again and leaned back on the couch, tired physically and emotionally. “He was really scared,” he finished as he looked at the three of them before looking at the muted television.
Minho was the first to react to the information, storming from the living room to the hallway, heading for his shared room with Kibum and Jinki. Taemin quickly followed after him, standing between the door and Minho, not letting him pass.
“Taemin, get out of my way,” Minho spoke through his teeth as he glared at the younger man.
“I’m not stupid, hyung,” he responded in a whisper, knowing that him blocking the door wasn’t the only thing that angered the older man. “Don’t just jump into conclusions. I checked on him when he fell asleep; I unlocked the door to make sure he was… there,” he said as he leaned against the wall beside him, ignoring as Jonghyun and Kibum joined them in the hallway. “It’s not easy, Minho hyung. And I’m tired of having to see him like this and do nothing, just like you, but I couldn’t just barge in, interrogate him and expect him to open up and make some progress. He was beating himself enough as it was, I couldn’t do that to him. Besides, he would have never listened to what I had to say,” Taemin said with a sad tone in his voice as he crossed his arms over his chest.
Minho, by the time Taemin had finished talking, was messing up his hair as he ran his hands through it various times. The other two were silent but he didn’t have to look back to know they had tears running down their face, he could hear them. Yet, he hadn’t notice when his tears had begun to fall but, to be completely honest, he couldn’t care less. “Dammit,” he grunted under his breath as he passed by Kibum and Jonghyun and headed towards the living room, dropping on the couch. It was all so damn hard to deal with.
Kibum was the second one to reenter the living room with Jonghyun and Taemin tailing behind him. He stood in the middle of the room looking at the muted TV, just like Taemin had done a few minutes ago before sighing and turning to face the others. Minho and Jonghyun were still crying, whipping their tears unceremoniously, while Taemin just looked at them with glassy eyes. Kibum didn’t have to ask to know that Taemin had cried with Jinki, even if it was through the door, wall or whatever that was separating them.
Taking the remote in hand, he turned off the TV, putting the control on top of it, before sitting beside the others. They were all getting at their limits with the situation; they’ve been waiting for far too long. And, really, sometimes he even wondered why they were actually doing it instead of just talking to him. Though he knew why, Jinki was a hard nut to crack. And the more you pressured him, the deeper he buried his problems within himself.
However, during all the months that he allowed himself to succumb to his depression, Kibum knew he had at least a bit of chance of getting something out of the older male. He had hope, especially after the day Jinki had allowed himself to cry on his shoulder. He would have never done that when he was his calm and headstrong old self. Kibum could feel his chest swell with something unknown when he thought about that day in the van. It was a kind of warm feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time as he thought about the oldest and he felt greedy for more. He knew he just had to try.
Reaching his arm to pat Minho on his shoulder, he cleared his throat, making them look at him. “Let’s just clean up for the night. We can talk more tomorrow and, if hyung feels up to it, we can all sit down and try to fix this together,” he said with a raspy voice, throat abused from his crying.
“Are we really?” all eyes were on Jonghyun as he finally spoke, fighting with his sobs to get his words through. “No more waiting?” he asked and, for a second, he seemed like the youngest in the room.
“To hell with waiting”
***
Jinki woke up the next morning in an empty bedroom, curtains blocking the sunlight that pierced through the tall glass windows. He was very disoriented, his mind slow and groggy from sleep and mental exhaustion. There was a nagging sensation in the back of his head, telling him to wake up, that something was terribly wrong but he tried very hard to ignore the alarms that shot out inside his head. He liked feeling numb, it was different from the constant overwhelming emotions that drained his energy every single day.
He stretched his body after a moment of contemplation along the length of his bed and groaned as he fell limp again against the mattress. His eyes had been shut quickly after the first ray of sun had landed on them, he felt too sensitive to light and could feel his eyes and head ache which were clear sighs he fell asleep crying once more.
When he finally began to fully wake up, he couldn’t ignore the alarms inside his head anymore. He knew something was wrong because it was probably close to noon, considering how high the sun was, no one had woken him up for their schedules and he was alone in the room. Normally, Minho and Kibum would be there, constantly watching, but they weren’t.
Slowly sitting up on his bed, Jinki stared at the closed door and wondered if they had finally decided that enough was enough and left him behind. It wasn’t the first time he thought about it so he wouldn’t really be surprised if they finally did. He knew it was about time they got tired of him, but it pained him to think about it.
However, it wasn’t until he remembered the previous day that his eyes went wide and a soft whimper escaped from his lips, making him curl back on his bed.
Taemin saw him. And the others probably knew by now. No, correction, they knew by now and the though just made Jinki want to crawl into a hole and never come out. How was he supposed to face them now? Because, now, he had no doubt in his mind that he was a complete failure as a leader, hyung, friend and a brother to them. And even if Taemin was a grown young man, he was still human and the expression he wore when he found Jinki, almost making the biggest mistake in his life, just tore his heart into pieces.
Still, seeing them suffer like that because of him only made the idea more alluring. And, if Jinki was being completely honest with himself, he was terrified.
He didn’t know for how long he stayed curled on his bed and nor did he know when he began to cry again but none of that mattered as he cursed silently the day he realized he was in love with his bandmate. He didn’t like thinking about it because, every time he did, he realized how obvious it always had been. Jinki had never proclaimed any sexual orientation for himself because he just didn’t believe in classifications. However, he had always been conscious about his attraction to men. If the others had noticed was another matter entirely.
Jinki screwed his eyes shut tightly as he let out a long sigh mixed with a sob, not hearing as the door to the room was opened and close. He gasped softly and became still the moment he felt his bed dip on one side before someone laid down behind him, bringing him close to their chest before wrapping an arm around his waist. The small and delicate hands told Jinki everything he needed to know as he allowed himself to weep, hiding his face in his hands. Even if the other was behind him and had already seen him cry, he still couldn’t bring himself to pull them away.
“Always, remember?”, he heard Kibum whisper softly to his ear, much like that day in the van. Jinki just bit his lower lip as he whimpered and let his tears flow down the side of his face and into the sheets.
He didn’t know why he didn’t pull away and tried to act as if he was fine. Maybe it was because of the fact that he had cried on his dongsaeng’s shoulder before. Maybe it was because he knew the younger knew what had happen the day before so he couldn’t really act it out because it had happen. Or maybe it was because of the fact that he just couldn’t stop himself anymore.
Jinki felt like a broken faucet, pouring out his soul in each and every tear that fell from his eyes. Kibum just held him tightly and comfortingly against his chest as he waited for the older man to relax, though he knew it would still take a while.
He had entered the room after he heard the eldest cry for a few minutes. The others were in the living room or in the kitchen or somewhere else in the dorm, waiting for Jinki to wake up. They had called their managers and explain what had happen, asking for a cancelation on their schedule so they could finally confront their leader. The day was granted to them and they spent a few more minutes reminding each other to keep themselves under control and to not push him too hard, they didn’t want him to hide back into his room. The plan was to talk to him as a group, for all to hear and to support him but it was hard for Kibum to ignore his cries. So he just apologized to the other members in his head before going inside the room to comfort the eldest.
Jinki’s shoulders shook and his body trembled as he continued to cry in the younger’s arms. He couldn’t really tell how long he had been crying but the sun that had bothered his eyes when he woke up was now hidden behind a building. The best guess he could give was that he had cried for at least two hours with Kibum and now he was completely drained.
When Kibum realized that Jinki had calmed down enough, he squeezed the older man in affection around his waist before slightly sitting up, leaning forward a bit to be able to look at Jinki’s face. He brought his hand from Jinki’s waist to head, brushing his bangs away from his face. The eldest had long ago tired his body from the exhausting emotional breakdown and had removed his hand from his face, letting them fall beside his head on the bed.
“Would you like some water, hyung?” after a while, Kibum decided that he had to be the one to take the initiative since Jinki just stared at his hands as he sniffled once in a while from his runny nose. “And tissues?”
Jinki closed his eyes and gave a small smile as he took another deep breath through his nose. “Yeah,” he said softly, voice hoarse from his crying.
“I’ll be right back,” Kibum said as he patted his shoulder and stood up from the bed.
Once out the bedroom, Kibum let out a long sigh before going to the kitchen to fill a glass of water. For a moment he forgot about the others so it gave him a start to see them on the table, eating some instant food and chitchatting. When they saw him, they just stared at him because no one needed to voice the obvious question that hanged in the air.
“He was crying,” he explained as he stretched his sore limbs before grabbing a cup and filling it with water. “For almost three hours,” he continued as he turned around to look at them.
“Did he say anything?” Jonghyun was the first to ask as he moved around his chopsticks in his food. He suddenly lost his appetite. And it seemed he wasn’t the only one.
With a sigh, Kibum shook his head. “No, he just calmed down a few minutes ago,” he answered as he leaned against the counter. “I’m going back in, though. I’ll let you know,” he said, receiving collective nods from the other three before leaving the kitchen. They didn’t bother to remind him about their agreement on talking to him all together because, as things were now, Jinki would just shut himself completely if that happened.
Before heading to his room, Kibum made a stop at the bathroom, grabbing the tissue box before heading to his destination. Once he entered the room he noticed that Jinki hadn’t move from the moment he left. He sat on the side of the bed and patted his shoulder, making the older man turn to look at him with heavy and groggy movements.
Kibum could tell Jinki was physically tired as well as emotionally from his breakdown but still hoped for the long awaited conversation he wanted to make with the other. “Here,” he said as he gave him the glass of water, watching Jinki drink from it with puffy red eyes and a swollen face. His lips were bright red from his constant biting, trying but failing to keep himself quiet, but Kibum could still tell that they were chapped and dry, signals that the older male was dehydrated. He wasn’t very surprised since it had been a while since he last saw him eat or drink anything but it was still worrisome.
He placed the tissue box between him and Jinki as he continued to look at the other. Jinki began to feel a bit uncomfortable from Kibum’s constant gaze but he couldn’t really bring himself to tell him to stop. “Thanks,” he said with a still hoarse, but a bit clearer, voice. He placed the empty glass on his lap, using his fingers to play with the edge, while taking tissues with his free hand to wipe away remains of tears and to clear his runny nose.
Kibum was very patient and Jinki was thankful for it, he wasn’t ready for their conversation but he knew it was bound to happen. Even more now that Kibum had seen him at his weakest and was helping him. He though that he could at least give him something in return, even if that something meant answers and answers meant him having an almost panic attack.
“Feeling better?” he asked after Jinki had wiped his face with a tissue and was now gazing down at his lap. The older boy nodded and whispered a soft “yes” before sighing and closing his eyes. Kibum knew Jinki was nervous but he couldn’t back down. Not now. “Hyung,” he began, placing a hand on the other’s knee to make sure he had his attention. “Hyung, why?” It was a very open question because, even if Kibum was greedy for answers, he knew this was hard for Jinki. The least he could do was let the older man decided which, of the million questions, he wanted to answer.
The question was so simple yet Jinki was at a loss for words. There was only one thing running through his mind and that was the name of the one he loved the most. It was so wrong, no matter how many times he thought about it. “I’m sorry,” came the simple reply to the simple question as he closed his eyes and lowered his head a bit more in guilt and shame. But Kibum couldn’t take that as a valid answer. Not in a million years.
“Jinki hyung,” the younger of the two raised his hands to either side of the other’s face as he looked into those tearful eyes. Jinki’s eyes were so sad, Kibum didn’t know where his playful and happy hyung had gone to. “Tell me what’s wrong, hyung. Let me help you,” his voice was just above a whisper as he held Jinki’s gaze.
In the other hand, Jinki let out a small whimper as fresh tears began to fall down his face. He was impressed he hadn’t dried them all up but he didn’t want to cry anymore. His eyes hurt, his head hurt, his chest hurt, everything hurt. It was all so painful, he just wanted it all to stop.
Kibum just whipped Jinki’s tears with his thumb but continued to hold onto his eyes. There were so many emotions in them, so much guilt, shame, pain, panic. So many things and it all made him even more curious and worried. What had happen to make Jinki like this?
“Please, let me help,” he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Jinki’s. “It’s too painful to see you like this, we can’t…” taking a deep breath, Kibum closed his eyes for a few seconds before looking back into Jinki’s. “It’s too much”.
Jinki let out a sob as he heard Kibum’s words. They were so filled with pain, he knew he was the cause of it all. Everything was so messed up and it was all because of his love for Kim Jonghyun. Why couldn’t he had fallen for someone else? Someone he wouldn’t share every second of his life with so he wouldn’t have to get his almost nonexistent hopes crushed over and over again every single day of his life.
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” he answered in a hushed tone still looking into Kibum’s eyes. He didn’t know why but it was so hard to look away from them. Jinki could see them begging for him to just spill it all out and it just made him want to do it, if just for a moment. But that was out of the question, Kibum would despise him for sure if he knew. They all would.
“Please, hyung, please,” he pleaded as his eyes began to fill with tears of their own. He couldn’t keep up anymore with his strong act, he was so close yet so far to getting everything out of the elder. He couldn’t walk out of the situation without an answer, he was at his limit. And he really didn’t want to go through with what their manager had suggested once they told him what happened the previous day, it would only worsen thing for sure. He needed to know, to help him, save him from the demons inside of him because if Jinki was forced to go into a psych hospital for his depression, he was afraid the older male would take it the wrong way and really end his life. “Please.”
There was so much desperation in his dongsaeng’s voice and eyes that Jinki had to close his own, not being able to look at them anymore. He couldn’t keep doing this to them, he just couldn’t. It would destroy him if they came to hate him because of his secret but it would kill him if they fell into a dark place, just like he was, because of him. Jinki didn’t know what to do though so he just settled with what seem to be the most obvious thing to say. “Please… don’t tell him,” he sniffled and bit his lower lip as he glanced at Kibum before closing his eyes again. “Please, don’t tell Jonghyun that I love him.”
Kibum leaned back a bit when Jinki turned his head and resumed his curled up position on the bed, back turned to him as his body shook with his sobs. He stared at the older male, his mind still trying to process why was Jinki loving Jonghyun a bad thing. They all loved each other, it was normal since they pretty much grew up together and all.
However, as he heard Jinki whimper an apology, Kibum’s eyes went wide with realization and suddenly he didn’t know how to even breathe. Jinki loves Jonghyun. He loves…
‘Oh…’
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
By the time the rest of them got home after the incident, Taemin was a shaking mess on the couch looking at nothing as his brain tried to process what had almost happen. At first, when his hyungs approached him and asked him what was wrong, Taemin just took a deep breath before sighing deeply as well. He could feel his chest and throat constrict and his eyes water a bit. Taemin usually never cried so, seen his reaction, his hyungs began to worry and panic.
When Minho looked around and saw no sign of Jinki, he wasted no time in asking about his whereabouts. The maknae looked at the second youngest and gesture with a wave of his hand to their shared room.
“He locked himself in after I arrived,” he said with longer pauses then needed. He knew that as soon as he told his hyungs what had happen, things would get worse than before. And, if Taemin was completely honest with himself, he couldn’t stand waiting for the older male to open up. Not after all the signs.
After a few seconds of silence, they knew that what needed to be said next to clear them from all their doubts and worries wasn’t going to be very nice. So they hesitated as well, not knowing how to ask or if they really wanted to know.
Finally, it was Kibum that broke the silence. “Is he okay? Did you guys fight or something?” He could see the younger boy struggle with his thoughts, opening his mouth a few times to try and say something that never came through. “What, Taemin? What?” He was getting impatient not knowing what could have shaken up their strong maknae so much.
“He was about to do it,” he said in a soft yet firm tone. He looked at his hands on his lap as he spoke. It was all so tiring, he really couldn’t keep up anymore yet, he knew he had to. “I found him in the kitchen, knife in had,” he shook his head a little as he remembered his hyung’s words and his reaction when Taemin called out to him. “He was murmuring to himself, like he always does but… he was convincing himself,” he looked up at them clasping his hands tightly. By the look on his hyung’s faces, they were either not processing his words or just in total shock. “I tried to talk to him but, as soon as he saw me, he dropped it and ran to his room,” Taemin sighed again and leaned back on the couch, tired physically and emotionally. “He was really scared,” he finished as he looked at the three of them before looking at the muted television.
Minho was the first to react to the information, storming from the living room to the hallway, heading for his shared room with Kibum and Jinki. Taemin quickly followed after him, standing between the door and Minho, not letting him pass.
“Taemin, get out of my way,” Minho spoke through his teeth as he glared at the younger man.
“I’m not stupid, hyung,” he responded in a whisper, knowing that him blocking the door wasn’t the only thing that angered the older man. “Don’t just jump into conclusions. I checked on him when he fell asleep; I unlocked the door to make sure he was… there,” he said as he leaned against the wall beside him, ignoring as Jonghyun and Kibum joined them in the hallway. “It’s not easy, Minho hyung. And I’m tired of having to see him like this and do nothing, just like you, but I couldn’t just barge in, interrogate him and expect him to open up and make some progress. He was beating himself enough as it was, I couldn’t do that to him. Besides, he would have never listened to what I had to say,” Taemin said with a sad tone in his voice as he crossed his arms over his chest.
Minho, by the time Taemin had finished talking, was messing up his hair as he ran his hands through it various times. The other two were silent but he didn’t have to look back to know they had tears running down their face, he could hear them. Yet, he hadn’t notice when his tears had begun to fall but, to be completely honest, he couldn’t care less. “Dammit,” he grunted under his breath as he passed by Kibum and Jonghyun and headed towards the living room, dropping on the couch. It was all so damn hard to deal with.
Kibum was the second one to reenter the living room with Jonghyun and Taemin tailing behind him. He stood in the middle of the room looking at the muted TV, just like Taemin had done a few minutes ago before sighing and turning to face the others. Minho and Jonghyun were still crying, whipping their tears unceremoniously, while Taemin just looked at them with glassy eyes. Kibum didn’t have to ask to know that Taemin had cried with Jinki, even if it was through the door, wall or whatever that was separating them.
Taking the remote in hand, he turned off the TV, putting the control on top of it, before sitting beside the others. They were all getting at their limits with the situation; they’ve been waiting for far too long. And, really, sometimes he even wondered why they were actually doing it instead of just talking to him. Though he knew why, Jinki was a hard nut to crack. And the more you pressured him, the deeper he buried his problems within himself.
However, during all the months that he allowed himself to succumb to his depression, Kibum knew he had at least a bit of chance of getting something out of the older male. He had hope, especially after the day Jinki had allowed himself to cry on his shoulder. He would have never done that when he was his calm and headstrong old self. Kibum could feel his chest swell with something unknown when he thought about that day in the van. It was a kind of warm feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time as he thought about the oldest and he felt greedy for more. He knew he just had to try.
Reaching his arm to pat Minho on his shoulder, he cleared his throat, making them look at him. “Let’s just clean up for the night. We can talk more tomorrow and, if hyung feels up to it, we can all sit down and try to fix this together,” he said with a raspy voice, throat abused from his crying.
“Are we really?” all eyes were on Jonghyun as he finally spoke, fighting with his sobs to get his words through. “No more waiting?” he asked and, for a second, he seemed like the youngest in the room.
“To hell with waiting”
***
Jinki woke up the next morning in an empty bedroom, curtains blocking the sunlight that pierced through the tall glass windows. He was very disoriented, his mind slow and groggy from sleep and mental exhaustion. There was a nagging sensation in the back of his head, telling him to wake up, that something was terribly wrong but he tried very hard to ignore the alarms that shot out inside his head. He liked feeling numb, it was different from the constant overwhelming emotions that drained his energy every single day.
He stretched his body after a moment of contemplation along the length of his bed and groaned as he fell limp again against the mattress. His eyes had been shut quickly after the first ray of sun had landed on them, he felt too sensitive to light and could feel his eyes and head ache which were clear sighs he fell asleep crying once more.
When he finally began to fully wake up, he couldn’t ignore the alarms inside his head anymore. He knew something was wrong because it was probably close to noon, considering how high the sun was, no one had woken him up for their schedules and he was alone in the room. Normally, Minho and Kibum would be there, constantly watching, but they weren’t.
Slowly sitting up on his bed, Jinki stared at the closed door and wondered if they had finally decided that enough was enough and left him behind. It wasn’t the first time he thought about it so he wouldn’t really be surprised if they finally did. He knew it was about time they got tired of him, but it pained him to think about it.
However, it wasn’t until he remembered the previous day that his eyes went wide and a soft whimper escaped from his lips, making him curl back on his bed.
Taemin saw him. And the others probably knew by now. No, correction, they knew by now and the though just made Jinki want to crawl into a hole and never come out. How was he supposed to face them now? Because, now, he had no doubt in his mind that he was a complete failure as a leader, hyung, friend and a brother to them. And even if Taemin was a grown young man, he was still human and the expression he wore when he found Jinki, almost making the biggest mistake in his life, just tore his heart into pieces.
Still, seeing them suffer like that because of him only made the idea more alluring. And, if Jinki was being completely honest with himself, he was terrified.
He didn’t know for how long he stayed curled on his bed and nor did he know when he began to cry again but none of that mattered as he cursed silently the day he realized he was in love with his bandmate. He didn’t like thinking about it because, every time he did, he realized how obvious it always had been. Jinki had never proclaimed any sexual orientation for himself because he just didn’t believe in classifications. However, he had always been conscious about his attraction to men. If the others had noticed was another matter entirely.
Jinki screwed his eyes shut tightly as he let out a long sigh mixed with a sob, not hearing as the door to the room was opened and close. He gasped softly and became still the moment he felt his bed dip on one side before someone laid down behind him, bringing him close to their chest before wrapping an arm around his waist. The small and delicate hands told Jinki everything he needed to know as he allowed himself to weep, hiding his face in his hands. Even if the other was behind him and had already seen him cry, he still couldn’t bring himself to pull them away.
“Always, remember?”, he heard Kibum whisper softly to his ear, much like that day in the van. Jinki just bit his lower lip as he whimpered and let his tears flow down the side of his face and into the sheets.
He didn’t know why he didn’t pull away and tried to act as if he was fine. Maybe it was because of the fact that he had cried on his dongsaeng’s shoulder before. Maybe it was because he knew the younger knew what had happen the day before so he couldn’t really act it out because it had happen. Or maybe it was because of the fact that he just couldn’t stop himself anymore.
Jinki felt like a broken faucet, pouring out his soul in each and every tear that fell from his eyes. Kibum just held him tightly and comfortingly against his chest as he waited for the older man to relax, though he knew it would still take a while.
He had entered the room after he heard the eldest cry for a few minutes. The others were in the living room or in the kitchen or somewhere else in the dorm, waiting for Jinki to wake up. They had called their managers and explain what had happen, asking for a cancelation on their schedule so they could finally confront their leader. The day was granted to them and they spent a few more minutes reminding each other to keep themselves under control and to not push him too hard, they didn’t want him to hide back into his room. The plan was to talk to him as a group, for all to hear and to support him but it was hard for Kibum to ignore his cries. So he just apologized to the other members in his head before going inside the room to comfort the eldest.
Jinki’s shoulders shook and his body trembled as he continued to cry in the younger’s arms. He couldn’t really tell how long he had been crying but the sun that had bothered his eyes when he woke up was now hidden behind a building. The best guess he could give was that he had cried for at least two hours with Kibum and now he was completely drained.
When Kibum realized that Jinki had calmed down enough, he squeezed the older man in affection around his waist before slightly sitting up, leaning forward a bit to be able to look at Jinki’s face. He brought his hand from Jinki’s waist to head, brushing his bangs away from his face. The eldest had long ago tired his body from the exhausting emotional breakdown and had removed his hand from his face, letting them fall beside his head on the bed.
“Would you like some water, hyung?” after a while, Kibum decided that he had to be the one to take the initiative since Jinki just stared at his hands as he sniffled once in a while from his runny nose. “And tissues?”
Jinki closed his eyes and gave a small smile as he took another deep breath through his nose. “Yeah,” he said softly, voice hoarse from his crying.
“I’ll be right back,” Kibum said as he patted his shoulder and stood up from the bed.
Once out the bedroom, Kibum let out a long sigh before going to the kitchen to fill a glass of water. For a moment he forgot about the others so it gave him a start to see them on the table, eating some instant food and chitchatting. When they saw him, they just stared at him because no one needed to voice the obvious question that hanged in the air.
“He was crying,” he explained as he stretched his sore limbs before grabbing a cup and filling it with water. “For almost three hours,” he continued as he turned around to look at them.
“Did he say anything?” Jonghyun was the first to ask as he moved around his chopsticks in his food. He suddenly lost his appetite. And it seemed he wasn’t the only one.
With a sigh, Kibum shook his head. “No, he just calmed down a few minutes ago,” he answered as he leaned against the counter. “I’m going back in, though. I’ll let you know,” he said, receiving collective nods from the other three before leaving the kitchen. They didn’t bother to remind him about their agreement on talking to him all together because, as things were now, Jinki would just shut himself completely if that happened.
Before heading to his room, Kibum made a stop at the bathroom, grabbing the tissue box before heading to his destination. Once he entered the room he noticed that Jinki hadn’t move from the moment he left. He sat on the side of the bed and patted his shoulder, making the older man turn to look at him with heavy and groggy movements.
Kibum could tell Jinki was physically tired as well as emotionally from his breakdown but still hoped for the long awaited conversation he wanted to make with the other. “Here,” he said as he gave him the glass of water, watching Jinki drink from it with puffy red eyes and a swollen face. His lips were bright red from his constant biting, trying but failing to keep himself quiet, but Kibum could still tell that they were chapped and dry, signals that the older male was dehydrated. He wasn’t very surprised since it had been a while since he last saw him eat or drink anything but it was still worrisome.
He placed the tissue box between him and Jinki as he continued to look at the other. Jinki began to feel a bit uncomfortable from Kibum’s constant gaze but he couldn’t really bring himself to tell him to stop. “Thanks,” he said with a still hoarse, but a bit clearer, voice. He placed the empty glass on his lap, using his fingers to play with the edge, while taking tissues with his free hand to wipe away remains of tears and to clear his runny nose.
Kibum was very patient and Jinki was thankful for it, he wasn’t ready for their conversation but he knew it was bound to happen. Even more now that Kibum had seen him at his weakest and was helping him. He though that he could at least give him something in return, even if that something meant answers and answers meant him having an almost panic attack.
“Feeling better?” he asked after Jinki had wiped his face with a tissue and was now gazing down at his lap. The older boy nodded and whispered a soft “yes” before sighing and closing his eyes. Kibum knew Jinki was nervous but he couldn’t back down. Not now. “Hyung,” he began, placing a hand on the other’s knee to make sure he had his attention. “Hyung, why?” It was a very open question because, even if Kibum was greedy for answers, he knew this was hard for Jinki. The least he could do was let the older man decided which, of the million questions, he wanted to answer.
The question was so simple yet Jinki was at a loss for words. There was only one thing running through his mind and that was the name of the one he loved the most. It was so wrong, no matter how many times he thought about it. “I’m sorry,” came the simple reply to the simple question as he closed his eyes and lowered his head a bit more in guilt and shame. But Kibum couldn’t take that as a valid answer. Not in a million years.
“Jinki hyung,” the younger of the two raised his hands to either side of the other’s face as he looked into those tearful eyes. Jinki’s eyes were so sad, Kibum didn’t know where his playful and happy hyung had gone to. “Tell me what’s wrong, hyung. Let me help you,” his voice was just above a whisper as he held Jinki’s gaze.
In the other hand, Jinki let out a small whimper as fresh tears began to fall down his face. He was impressed he hadn’t dried them all up but he didn’t want to cry anymore. His eyes hurt, his head hurt, his chest hurt, everything hurt. It was all so painful, he just wanted it all to stop.
Kibum just whipped Jinki’s tears with his thumb but continued to hold onto his eyes. There were so many emotions in them, so much guilt, shame, pain, panic. So many things and it all made him even more curious and worried. What had happen to make Jinki like this?
“Please, let me help,” he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Jinki’s. “It’s too painful to see you like this, we can’t…” taking a deep breath, Kibum closed his eyes for a few seconds before looking back into Jinki’s. “It’s too much”.
Jinki let out a sob as he heard Kibum’s words. They were so filled with pain, he knew he was the cause of it all. Everything was so messed up and it was all because of his love for Kim Jonghyun. Why couldn’t he had fallen for someone else? Someone he wouldn’t share every second of his life with so he wouldn’t have to get his almost nonexistent hopes crushed over and over again every single day of his life.
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” he answered in a hushed tone still looking into Kibum’s eyes. He didn’t know why but it was so hard to look away from them. Jinki could see them begging for him to just spill it all out and it just made him want to do it, if just for a moment. But that was out of the question, Kibum would despise him for sure if he knew. They all would.
“Please, hyung, please,” he pleaded as his eyes began to fill with tears of their own. He couldn’t keep up anymore with his strong act, he was so close yet so far to getting everything out of the elder. He couldn’t walk out of the situation without an answer, he was at his limit. And he really didn’t want to go through with what their manager had suggested once they told him what happened the previous day, it would only worsen thing for sure. He needed to know, to help him, save him from the demons inside of him because if Jinki was forced to go into a psych hospital for his depression, he was afraid the older male would take it the wrong way and really end his life. “Please.”
There was so much desperation in his dongsaeng’s voice and eyes that Jinki had to close his own, not being able to look at them anymore. He couldn’t keep doing this to them, he just couldn’t. It would destroy him if they came to hate him because of his secret but it would kill him if they fell into a dark place, just like he was, because of him. Jinki didn’t know what to do though so he just settled with what seem to be the most obvious thing to say. “Please… don’t tell him,” he sniffled and bit his lower lip as he glanced at Kibum before closing his eyes again. “Please, don’t tell Jonghyun that I love him.”
Kibum leaned back a bit when Jinki turned his head and resumed his curled up position on the bed, back turned to him as his body shook with his sobs. He stared at the older male, his mind still trying to process why was Jinki loving Jonghyun a bad thing. They all loved each other, it was normal since they pretty much grew up together and all.
However, as he heard Jinki whimper an apology, Kibum’s eyes went wide with realization and suddenly he didn’t know how to even breathe. Jinki loves Jonghyun. He loves…
‘Oh…’