Not Enough 3/?
Title: Not Enough
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
He did think about it. A few times, actually.
After he realized his feelings, he thought it would be better to just keep quiet and keep a distance and just continue being the friend he had always been. Because no matter how he saw it, he knew there was no hope. So when Jinki tried his best to be the good friend, the brother Jonghyun always had during all their years together, it struck him like a thousand volts. He tried so hard to keep his composure but, at some point during the first month, Jinki knew he couldn’t do it.
And that was when the first though came through his mind, when he had convinced himself that he was guilty of an unforgivable sin.
Taking his coat and keys, Jinki went out, determined to make an appointment with a therapist.
He though it was the safest bet on what to do. Even if he was famous, they had policies and sworn to secrecy and loyalty to their patients and what not. So no matter how good it could become of a scandal, he had a little bit of reassurance. So he was hopeful that maybe, if he went to one, they could cure the insanity growing in him. The sinful thoughts of homosexual acts towards his bandmate.
It wasn’t that he thought that homosexuality was wrong or that the sexual preference itself was an unforgivable sin. But the fact that he was the one having those feelings over someone he was supposed to take by heart as a brother rather than a lover was what he considered an unforgivable sin to him.
With those thoughts in mind, Jinki silently drove himself to the direction he got from the secretary. He would have done the appointment through the phone when he called for directions but he wanted to know what the place looked like. He was uneasy already so he wanted to look around the place and see if it was as safe as he was told it was. One could never be too sure and, besides, he didn’t want to fill up a space someone else might need by not showing up later on.
The moment he stood outside the building of the therapist’s office was the moment that Jinki panicked. So many things could go wrong with this plan of his. It wasn’t that the place didn’t look safe but being right in front of the building made him realized how serious everything was getting to be, how far he even needed to go to put a stop to his shameful needs.
He couldn’t even think straight as he stared up at the building, suddenly feeling a bit intimidated by its enormous size. His reassurance melted into nothing and fear of his secret getting out return with a new fiery passion that made his hands shake and his body tremble. And before Jinki knew what was going on, he had stray his way into a park.
He looked up from his hands and around himself. There weren’t many people since most of the population was either at work or at school so it was pretty safe for him to stay there for a little while. And he did because he couldn’t remember very well how he got there but he did know that he wouldn’t be able to drive with how disturbed he was.
*****
It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that Jinki got up from the bench he had been sitting on and made his way to the closest entrance of the park. He quickly found his car parked by the side walk with an obvious ticket for not refilling his time on the parking but he didn’t even care. He took the ticket from the windshield and got into his car.
With a deep sigh he turned on the car and was about to head back to the dorm when he heard his phone vibrate. He hadn’t realize he didn’t have his phone with him up until that very moment. Cursing under his breath, he took the phone from the seat next to him and unlocked it. He was greeted with a few lost calls and the double the text messages. Jinki didn’t bother to look at the phone calls and just went to the latest received message that was from Jonghyun.
‘Hyung, we’re worried. Where are you?’
Jinki blinked the tears of pain and guilt from his eyes before replying, ‘Forgot my phone in the car while I was in the park. I’m on my way’.
He quickly read Jonghyun’s fast reply before throwing away his phone and heading back to the dorm. The day definitely didn’t go as he expected it to.
*****
The morning after his odd dream, Jinki felt it be tattooed permanently in his brain. He kept wondering what it meant, if it did mean anything, and if it meant that he was bringing them all down with him. The thoughts were excruciatingly painful.
As they ate breakfast, he stole a few glances which didn’t go unnoticed by the others but no one commented on it. But as the day went by he saw the gleam of hope in some of them as he kept looking at them during meetings or while recording for variety shows. He didn’t really know what they were hoping he would do but he was pretty sure that what went through his mind was the complete opposite of it.
At some point, Jinki stopped looking at them. Whenever he took his chance to glance at any of them they would either stare right back at him as if waiting for something to happen, which ended just plain awkwardly, or give him a reassuring smile as if to encourage him to do whatever they though he was about to do. He felt like he was giving them false hope over something he had a very good idea of what it could be. When he thought about it, it was very possible that they were hoping for him to open up and speak about his depression like the day he overheard them. But there was no way he could do that, ever.
However, he continued to try his best as he promised himself he would, even more now that even his dreams told him he was dragging them down with him.
And as they rode the van to their scheduled dance practice, Jinki sat at the very end of the van against the window and put his earphones on to keep any noise out. Especially since Jonghyun was on the phone with someone he really didn’t want to think about at that very moment, but he knew it was inevitable.
Jinki felt his chest tighten as he closed his eyes and listened to the random songs that popped up from his cellphone. He knew that there was nothing he could do about the fact that he was falling every day even more for the singer sitting on the front of the car. And it hurt so much, as he opened his eyes and longingly looked at the cause of his despair chat away with the one that he loved. It didn’t matter how much Jonghyun tried to avoid the truth, they all knew he was head over heels for Soo Eun and so was she. Some of the members sometimes even playfully questioned him about the day they would marry. They were innocent jokes that made Jonghyun and Soo Eun turn their cheeks red and Jinki to silently excuse himself to the bathroom, over the loud laughter at the couple, to cry.
Tears welled up on his eyes as he saw Jonghyun smile sweetly at whatever the other person said to him. He didn’t even get the chance to see him reply as he lowered his head and rubbed the fabric of his sleeve over his eyes to dry up his tears. Taking a slow deep breath, Jinki closed his eyes again and leaned his head over the window, turning up the volume of the music. At that very moment, he didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to feel. He didn’t want to exist.
However, luck wasn’t on his side as he felt a hand pat his shoulder only to see Kibum next to him with concern written over his features. He didn’t wait for Jinki to take off his earphones before he was mouthing his question. “Are you okay?”
Jinki was a bit shocked by the fact that he completely forgot that the others were in the van as well. It was stupid of him to let his feelings win over his composure and now he was almost one hundred percent sure that Kibum had seen his tears. But as he let out no response, Kibum got from concerned to worried and took off Jinki’s earphones, letting them fall over his neck, to ask him again. He leaned close to Jinki’s ear and silently whispered so the others wouldn’t hear. “Are you okay, hyung?”
With a start, Jinki looked at Kibum as the boy leaned back to wait for an answer. The older boy just gave his dongsaeng a little smile before nodding, but he couldn’t look at him in the eyes. Kibum tried to test his limits and slowly took Jinki’s hand in a firm grip, making the older boy jump a little at the contact but he made no attempt to push him away. Kibum held his breath at the small progress he made with their leader before whispering under his breath to comfort the other. “I’ll always be here for you”.
Jinki just closed his eyes to hide the tears that welled up behind his eyelids, lowering his head as he nodded. But the younger man didn’t need to see the tears to know they were there so he patted his hyung’s head with his free hand, letting him use his shoulder as a pillow. He could feel wet spots appearing on his clothes but he didn’t care.
He was making progress with Jinki.
*****
Waking up in the middle of the night by a nightmare he didn’t remember was one of the worst sensations Jinki had experienced in a while. His bed was a mess covered with sweat and tears, his body was sticky, his nose runny and he could barely open his eyes by how swollen they were from crying in his sleep. He was grateful that Minho nor Kibum woke up from his nightmare as he made his way out the room and into the bathroom.
By the time he was out, the swelling from his eyes had gone down enough for him to pass it off as sleepiness. However, he didn’t really feel like going back to bed and it was two hours before they had to wake up so he decided to just eat breakfast early.
“You sleeping well, hyung?”, Jinki almost dropped the slices of bread he had in his hand the moment he heard Kibum’s voice. He turned around to look at the younger male and sighed deeply, making the other chuckle at his reaction.
“I am, why you ask?” He replied as he put the bread on the toaster.
“Mm, well you’re the first one awake. That’s unusual.”, he responded as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall. “Plus, your slower and the dark circles under your eyes are pretty noticeable”, he continued as he watched the leader walk around the kitchen, preparing himself breakfast.
Jinki got to the fridge and opened it before shrugging, “Well, I did grow old pretty quickly. Maybe my expiration date is close”, Jinki playfully suggested as he took out the orange juice and kicked the door close. But he wasn’t expecting the reaction the other had.
“Jinki!”, Kibum yelled as he stared at him terrified by the suggestion, his mind going further with his explanation than Jinki had intended. ”Don’t ever say that again”, he barely got the words out before he stormed out of the kitchen with glistening eyes full of tears before slamming the bathroom door behind him. Jinki didn’t get any time to react as he stood there, breakfast forgotten as he realized his mistake. He really did screw it up real good.
*****
Jinki felt like a defenseless prey as the members watched his every move like hawks. It was very obvious that what had happen in the kitchen the other day made its way to each of them. He couldn’t really blame them for thinking what they though, they were pretty defensive with Jinki’s depression. They didn’t know which month it was since they discovered Jinki’s depression; they were too many to remember. And the fact that the leader kept it all to himself was even worse. So now that they all though that dying was an option for Jinki, he couldn’t really blame any of them.
None of them were very subtle about their constant vigilance. They were always watching while he rehearsed, had his makeup done, performed, ate and just about every single second of the day he was under the always watchful eyes of his members. However, the one most obvious of them all was Jonghyun.
The moment he realized that when the others would turn their eyes away even for just a second, Jonghyun would keep them stuck to him like glue. The attention was unnerving to Jinki, especially since he could feel the warm gaze of Jonghyun’s deep brown eyes on his skin which left Jinki with a tingly sensation all over. He both loved and hated it.
However, Jinki could also feel the sadness that overpowered their stares. The heavy guilt gripped his heart and torn it as he saw their frustration, the way they just tried to keep him busy and dragged him away whenever they could or how he could sometimes hear soft whimpers in the dorm. They weren’t supposed to be suffering like this but he didn’t know what to do. He just concluded that he really didn’t deserve any of them. They didn’t deserved the pain they brought them, no one did.
So when he was finally left alone in the dorm a few days after the misunderstanding, Jinki just sat in the living room couch and mindlessly watched the television. He didn’t want them to continue worrying about him and it had worked when Jonghyun walked up on him watching TV, the younger man seemed happy. Well, aside from having that one other person in the room who seemed to have that effect on him.
He wanted, whoever was going to come early to check up on him and keep him company, to be seen a little bit like his old self. And that Jinki loved food, something he barely touched nowadays.
Getting up from the couch, Jinki made his way into the kitchen and a bag of chips that stood over the fridge before taking out a can of soda from it. He would have turned around and left, going into the living room to continue his mindless recreation but he was stopped by the dishes that stood on the counter. A small smile made its way to his lips, an actual one from what seemed like a life time, as he thought about the morning chaos the others formed while they ate. The five of them were very good eaters so they had to constantly refill their food supplies since they usually went away only a couple of days after buying the groceries.
Jinki wished he could turn back time and never fall for Jonghyun and just continue being the way they all had been before. But it was too late now. Now, he was a burden, a complete disaster and waste of time that dragged anyone and everyone along with him.
Tears welled up in his eyes but before his emotions could win over, he wiped his eyes with the heel of his hands before putting the dishes and utensils in the sink. And who would have thought that doing such a simple task would a dangerous door that opened in the hall of possibilities with Jinki’s depression.
The sharp and long knife Jinki held in his hand never made it to the sink as he looked at it with curious and sad eyes. What if it was the right choice? He wasn’t getting better and he was terrified of going to a therapist. Plus, there was no way he was ever telling any of them what was wrong… So, maybe, it was the right choice? “Maybe, it’s for the best…”
It was the very first time that Jinki actually though of suicide.
“Hyung!”, Jinki jumped and let the knife fall from his hands as he got startled before turning quickly around to see a wide eyed Taemin looking at him. Jinki didn’t have to look at the boy for very long to know that the boy was beyond terrified by what he found. Taemin’s reaction reminded him so much of both Kibum’s and Jonghyun’s.
Without a word, the older man passed by the other and made a beeline to his room, locking the door as he closed it behind him. But not before he
heard Taemin call out his name.
Character: Jinki-centric
Pairing: Jongyu (sort of)
Warning: Angst
Summery: There are just things in life that we'll never be able to have.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters used in my story. However, I do own all the fictional happenings in it.
He did think about it. A few times, actually.
After he realized his feelings, he thought it would be better to just keep quiet and keep a distance and just continue being the friend he had always been. Because no matter how he saw it, he knew there was no hope. So when Jinki tried his best to be the good friend, the brother Jonghyun always had during all their years together, it struck him like a thousand volts. He tried so hard to keep his composure but, at some point during the first month, Jinki knew he couldn’t do it.
And that was when the first though came through his mind, when he had convinced himself that he was guilty of an unforgivable sin.
Taking his coat and keys, Jinki went out, determined to make an appointment with a therapist.
He though it was the safest bet on what to do. Even if he was famous, they had policies and sworn to secrecy and loyalty to their patients and what not. So no matter how good it could become of a scandal, he had a little bit of reassurance. So he was hopeful that maybe, if he went to one, they could cure the insanity growing in him. The sinful thoughts of homosexual acts towards his bandmate.
It wasn’t that he thought that homosexuality was wrong or that the sexual preference itself was an unforgivable sin. But the fact that he was the one having those feelings over someone he was supposed to take by heart as a brother rather than a lover was what he considered an unforgivable sin to him.
With those thoughts in mind, Jinki silently drove himself to the direction he got from the secretary. He would have done the appointment through the phone when he called for directions but he wanted to know what the place looked like. He was uneasy already so he wanted to look around the place and see if it was as safe as he was told it was. One could never be too sure and, besides, he didn’t want to fill up a space someone else might need by not showing up later on.
The moment he stood outside the building of the therapist’s office was the moment that Jinki panicked. So many things could go wrong with this plan of his. It wasn’t that the place didn’t look safe but being right in front of the building made him realized how serious everything was getting to be, how far he even needed to go to put a stop to his shameful needs.
He couldn’t even think straight as he stared up at the building, suddenly feeling a bit intimidated by its enormous size. His reassurance melted into nothing and fear of his secret getting out return with a new fiery passion that made his hands shake and his body tremble. And before Jinki knew what was going on, he had stray his way into a park.
He looked up from his hands and around himself. There weren’t many people since most of the population was either at work or at school so it was pretty safe for him to stay there for a little while. And he did because he couldn’t remember very well how he got there but he did know that he wouldn’t be able to drive with how disturbed he was.
*****
It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that Jinki got up from the bench he had been sitting on and made his way to the closest entrance of the park. He quickly found his car parked by the side walk with an obvious ticket for not refilling his time on the parking but he didn’t even care. He took the ticket from the windshield and got into his car.
With a deep sigh he turned on the car and was about to head back to the dorm when he heard his phone vibrate. He hadn’t realize he didn’t have his phone with him up until that very moment. Cursing under his breath, he took the phone from the seat next to him and unlocked it. He was greeted with a few lost calls and the double the text messages. Jinki didn’t bother to look at the phone calls and just went to the latest received message that was from Jonghyun.
‘Hyung, we’re worried. Where are you?’
Jinki blinked the tears of pain and guilt from his eyes before replying, ‘Forgot my phone in the car while I was in the park. I’m on my way’.
He quickly read Jonghyun’s fast reply before throwing away his phone and heading back to the dorm. The day definitely didn’t go as he expected it to.
*****
The morning after his odd dream, Jinki felt it be tattooed permanently in his brain. He kept wondering what it meant, if it did mean anything, and if it meant that he was bringing them all down with him. The thoughts were excruciatingly painful.
As they ate breakfast, he stole a few glances which didn’t go unnoticed by the others but no one commented on it. But as the day went by he saw the gleam of hope in some of them as he kept looking at them during meetings or while recording for variety shows. He didn’t really know what they were hoping he would do but he was pretty sure that what went through his mind was the complete opposite of it.
At some point, Jinki stopped looking at them. Whenever he took his chance to glance at any of them they would either stare right back at him as if waiting for something to happen, which ended just plain awkwardly, or give him a reassuring smile as if to encourage him to do whatever they though he was about to do. He felt like he was giving them false hope over something he had a very good idea of what it could be. When he thought about it, it was very possible that they were hoping for him to open up and speak about his depression like the day he overheard them. But there was no way he could do that, ever.
However, he continued to try his best as he promised himself he would, even more now that even his dreams told him he was dragging them down with him.
And as they rode the van to their scheduled dance practice, Jinki sat at the very end of the van against the window and put his earphones on to keep any noise out. Especially since Jonghyun was on the phone with someone he really didn’t want to think about at that very moment, but he knew it was inevitable.
Jinki felt his chest tighten as he closed his eyes and listened to the random songs that popped up from his cellphone. He knew that there was nothing he could do about the fact that he was falling every day even more for the singer sitting on the front of the car. And it hurt so much, as he opened his eyes and longingly looked at the cause of his despair chat away with the one that he loved. It didn’t matter how much Jonghyun tried to avoid the truth, they all knew he was head over heels for Soo Eun and so was she. Some of the members sometimes even playfully questioned him about the day they would marry. They were innocent jokes that made Jonghyun and Soo Eun turn their cheeks red and Jinki to silently excuse himself to the bathroom, over the loud laughter at the couple, to cry.
Tears welled up on his eyes as he saw Jonghyun smile sweetly at whatever the other person said to him. He didn’t even get the chance to see him reply as he lowered his head and rubbed the fabric of his sleeve over his eyes to dry up his tears. Taking a slow deep breath, Jinki closed his eyes again and leaned his head over the window, turning up the volume of the music. At that very moment, he didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to feel. He didn’t want to exist.
However, luck wasn’t on his side as he felt a hand pat his shoulder only to see Kibum next to him with concern written over his features. He didn’t wait for Jinki to take off his earphones before he was mouthing his question. “Are you okay?”
Jinki was a bit shocked by the fact that he completely forgot that the others were in the van as well. It was stupid of him to let his feelings win over his composure and now he was almost one hundred percent sure that Kibum had seen his tears. But as he let out no response, Kibum got from concerned to worried and took off Jinki’s earphones, letting them fall over his neck, to ask him again. He leaned close to Jinki’s ear and silently whispered so the others wouldn’t hear. “Are you okay, hyung?”
With a start, Jinki looked at Kibum as the boy leaned back to wait for an answer. The older boy just gave his dongsaeng a little smile before nodding, but he couldn’t look at him in the eyes. Kibum tried to test his limits and slowly took Jinki’s hand in a firm grip, making the older boy jump a little at the contact but he made no attempt to push him away. Kibum held his breath at the small progress he made with their leader before whispering under his breath to comfort the other. “I’ll always be here for you”.
Jinki just closed his eyes to hide the tears that welled up behind his eyelids, lowering his head as he nodded. But the younger man didn’t need to see the tears to know they were there so he patted his hyung’s head with his free hand, letting him use his shoulder as a pillow. He could feel wet spots appearing on his clothes but he didn’t care.
He was making progress with Jinki.
*****
Waking up in the middle of the night by a nightmare he didn’t remember was one of the worst sensations Jinki had experienced in a while. His bed was a mess covered with sweat and tears, his body was sticky, his nose runny and he could barely open his eyes by how swollen they were from crying in his sleep. He was grateful that Minho nor Kibum woke up from his nightmare as he made his way out the room and into the bathroom.
By the time he was out, the swelling from his eyes had gone down enough for him to pass it off as sleepiness. However, he didn’t really feel like going back to bed and it was two hours before they had to wake up so he decided to just eat breakfast early.
“You sleeping well, hyung?”, Jinki almost dropped the slices of bread he had in his hand the moment he heard Kibum’s voice. He turned around to look at the younger male and sighed deeply, making the other chuckle at his reaction.
“I am, why you ask?” He replied as he put the bread on the toaster.
“Mm, well you’re the first one awake. That’s unusual.”, he responded as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall. “Plus, your slower and the dark circles under your eyes are pretty noticeable”, he continued as he watched the leader walk around the kitchen, preparing himself breakfast.
Jinki got to the fridge and opened it before shrugging, “Well, I did grow old pretty quickly. Maybe my expiration date is close”, Jinki playfully suggested as he took out the orange juice and kicked the door close. But he wasn’t expecting the reaction the other had.
“Jinki!”, Kibum yelled as he stared at him terrified by the suggestion, his mind going further with his explanation than Jinki had intended. ”Don’t ever say that again”, he barely got the words out before he stormed out of the kitchen with glistening eyes full of tears before slamming the bathroom door behind him. Jinki didn’t get any time to react as he stood there, breakfast forgotten as he realized his mistake. He really did screw it up real good.
*****
Jinki felt like a defenseless prey as the members watched his every move like hawks. It was very obvious that what had happen in the kitchen the other day made its way to each of them. He couldn’t really blame them for thinking what they though, they were pretty defensive with Jinki’s depression. They didn’t know which month it was since they discovered Jinki’s depression; they were too many to remember. And the fact that the leader kept it all to himself was even worse. So now that they all though that dying was an option for Jinki, he couldn’t really blame any of them.
None of them were very subtle about their constant vigilance. They were always watching while he rehearsed, had his makeup done, performed, ate and just about every single second of the day he was under the always watchful eyes of his members. However, the one most obvious of them all was Jonghyun.
The moment he realized that when the others would turn their eyes away even for just a second, Jonghyun would keep them stuck to him like glue. The attention was unnerving to Jinki, especially since he could feel the warm gaze of Jonghyun’s deep brown eyes on his skin which left Jinki with a tingly sensation all over. He both loved and hated it.
However, Jinki could also feel the sadness that overpowered their stares. The heavy guilt gripped his heart and torn it as he saw their frustration, the way they just tried to keep him busy and dragged him away whenever they could or how he could sometimes hear soft whimpers in the dorm. They weren’t supposed to be suffering like this but he didn’t know what to do. He just concluded that he really didn’t deserve any of them. They didn’t deserved the pain they brought them, no one did.
So when he was finally left alone in the dorm a few days after the misunderstanding, Jinki just sat in the living room couch and mindlessly watched the television. He didn’t want them to continue worrying about him and it had worked when Jonghyun walked up on him watching TV, the younger man seemed happy. Well, aside from having that one other person in the room who seemed to have that effect on him.
He wanted, whoever was going to come early to check up on him and keep him company, to be seen a little bit like his old self. And that Jinki loved food, something he barely touched nowadays.
Getting up from the couch, Jinki made his way into the kitchen and a bag of chips that stood over the fridge before taking out a can of soda from it. He would have turned around and left, going into the living room to continue his mindless recreation but he was stopped by the dishes that stood on the counter. A small smile made its way to his lips, an actual one from what seemed like a life time, as he thought about the morning chaos the others formed while they ate. The five of them were very good eaters so they had to constantly refill their food supplies since they usually went away only a couple of days after buying the groceries.
Jinki wished he could turn back time and never fall for Jonghyun and just continue being the way they all had been before. But it was too late now. Now, he was a burden, a complete disaster and waste of time that dragged anyone and everyone along with him.
Tears welled up in his eyes but before his emotions could win over, he wiped his eyes with the heel of his hands before putting the dishes and utensils in the sink. And who would have thought that doing such a simple task would a dangerous door that opened in the hall of possibilities with Jinki’s depression.
The sharp and long knife Jinki held in his hand never made it to the sink as he looked at it with curious and sad eyes. What if it was the right choice? He wasn’t getting better and he was terrified of going to a therapist. Plus, there was no way he was ever telling any of them what was wrong… So, maybe, it was the right choice? “Maybe, it’s for the best…”
It was the very first time that Jinki actually though of suicide.
“Hyung!”, Jinki jumped and let the knife fall from his hands as he got startled before turning quickly around to see a wide eyed Taemin looking at him. Jinki didn’t have to look at the boy for very long to know that the boy was beyond terrified by what he found. Taemin’s reaction reminded him so much of both Kibum’s and Jonghyun’s.
Without a word, the older man passed by the other and made a beeline to his room, locking the door as he closed it behind him. But not before he
heard Taemin call out his name.