Somehow
No matter how bad a situation is, there's always a way to make it worse. This is especially true when I'm involved in any way whatsoever, and even more so if emotions are involved. This one was completely my fault, I don't seek to shirk blame or anything. There are, unfortunately, two prejudices that no matter how hard I try to shake I just can't. No surprises, smoking and drugs. I've really tried, so so hard. I know I don't have any rational reasons to oppose, especially the latter - hell with smoking the health aspect just about holds water - I can't help being made ill very quickly by smoke (to the point where pre-ban I couldn't spend more than a few minutes at a time in the Cathouse upstairs because of it). But even so its still weak.
I really do have nowhere to turn with regard my biggest problem, lonliness. Hell even if I tried starting new social activities or something, and even if I had the time to do that, my overwhelming shyness, lack of confidence and difficulty trusting people, combined with my quirky/bizarre nature would make that a non-starter. Talking to a good friend on MSN has helped - I'm not naming names btw - but then the subject turned to a recent night out, and he/she was telling me how they had only just recovered because of the "Lethal cocktail of pure speed, coke, weed, booze and E". I'm not going to make any excuses for my reaction that it was "seriously fucking stupid" and that "I need to find new friends who aren't going to be that fucking stupid" (given the risk of death with such a combination).
Naturally the person on the receiving end was offended, as anyone would be. Bad timing, meet your new master, his name is Addy. :| As I said, I'm not going to make excuses. Apologies, yes, and I've at least calmed the friend down by making clear that it's not the person commiting the act I consider stupid, merely the act itself (there is of course, a huge difference which wasn't realised at the time or made clear by my phrasing)
And yet at the same time perhaps there was some hint of truth in what I said. Try as I might, and however ridiculous it might be to say, I honestly struggle to live with the fact that basically all my friends do smoke and take drugs. I know there's no logic to it. I don't need to be told it isn't my choice, my place to choose what they do or how they live their lives, or any of that. I even know that if I had the power to change their attitudes I wouldn't, unless it was the power to convince them that they wanted to change it. But then the latter could be said to be desired by most of us about pretty much anything with which others disagree. Politics, social issues such as abortion, or philosophy. I really would never begrudge anyone the right to have a different opinion, and even if I could change it I wouldn't.
But beneath it all I wish so desperately that their views would change. I can't explain it. Maybe its the fear of something happening, I don't know. But part of me definitely does wish I had at least a few friends who also didn't smoke or take drugs. Ugh. I just don't know anymore. An hour or so before its time to get ready for tonight. Wish it were longer. This is my only chance to be around people before Thursday night so I want to make the most of it, but having pissed off one of the closest friends who will be out tonight, and having made myself feel infinitely worse when I wasn't exactly on top of the word anyway in the process, the signs are not good for tonight.
The single good thing I can report is that the residents assocation appear sympathetic to our boiler dilemma. Maybe the meeting tomorrow will see progress in that area, and assistance if we need it. If Wednesday results in a no show, I'm going to raise Hell. I feel like I'm already there, so that shouldn't be too hard...
I really do have nowhere to turn with regard my biggest problem, lonliness. Hell even if I tried starting new social activities or something, and even if I had the time to do that, my overwhelming shyness, lack of confidence and difficulty trusting people, combined with my quirky/bizarre nature would make that a non-starter. Talking to a good friend on MSN has helped - I'm not naming names btw - but then the subject turned to a recent night out, and he/she was telling me how they had only just recovered because of the "Lethal cocktail of pure speed, coke, weed, booze and E". I'm not going to make any excuses for my reaction that it was "seriously fucking stupid" and that "I need to find new friends who aren't going to be that fucking stupid" (given the risk of death with such a combination).
Naturally the person on the receiving end was offended, as anyone would be. Bad timing, meet your new master, his name is Addy. :| As I said, I'm not going to make excuses. Apologies, yes, and I've at least calmed the friend down by making clear that it's not the person commiting the act I consider stupid, merely the act itself (there is of course, a huge difference which wasn't realised at the time or made clear by my phrasing)
And yet at the same time perhaps there was some hint of truth in what I said. Try as I might, and however ridiculous it might be to say, I honestly struggle to live with the fact that basically all my friends do smoke and take drugs. I know there's no logic to it. I don't need to be told it isn't my choice, my place to choose what they do or how they live their lives, or any of that. I even know that if I had the power to change their attitudes I wouldn't, unless it was the power to convince them that they wanted to change it. But then the latter could be said to be desired by most of us about pretty much anything with which others disagree. Politics, social issues such as abortion, or philosophy. I really would never begrudge anyone the right to have a different opinion, and even if I could change it I wouldn't.
But beneath it all I wish so desperately that their views would change. I can't explain it. Maybe its the fear of something happening, I don't know. But part of me definitely does wish I had at least a few friends who also didn't smoke or take drugs. Ugh. I just don't know anymore. An hour or so before its time to get ready for tonight. Wish it were longer. This is my only chance to be around people before Thursday night so I want to make the most of it, but having pissed off one of the closest friends who will be out tonight, and having made myself feel infinitely worse when I wasn't exactly on top of the word anyway in the process, the signs are not good for tonight.
The single good thing I can report is that the residents assocation appear sympathetic to our boiler dilemma. Maybe the meeting tomorrow will see progress in that area, and assistance if we need it. If Wednesday results in a no show, I'm going to raise Hell. I feel like I'm already there, so that shouldn't be too hard...