Well...
I hardly need to say that there are obvious health implications. Yes, I’m skinny as hell, but still, my heart absolutely hates me, and it’s no good for my mind either. If I start eating better, then I’ll naturally start feeling better anyway. I’ll have more energy, be less lethargic, etc. There really is no downside whatsoever, unless having to put a bit more effort into my food counts (it doesn’t) and what’s more laziness is the only non-excuse I have for things being as disastrous as they are. Getting up early enough to have breakfast would also be a good thing, but see point 3 for that one. Watching out for food poisoning may be a worry, but with due care and attention paid hopefully not a big one.
2. Sort sleeping habits. Of course, the big ones all go hand in hand. If I can improve my diet and remove caffeine largely from it, then I should find myself sleeping a lot better. It is however an area I need to look at in its own right anyway. I have an incredible inertia when it comes to sleeping. I love it, but whenever I’m awake I tend not to want to go to bed, and when I’m in bed I tend not to want to get up. In each case I regularly push the boundaries of common sense, meaning I frequently either have only a few hours to enjoy the day or a few hours sleep.
This is something I need to stop. Going out a whole load doesn’t help this, but I’m not prepared to limit my socialising, not no way, not no how. Nor should I need to, if I apply even a modicum of common sense/realism to my sleeping. The problem is that if I get up at 3pm because I’ve only gone to bed at 5am due to a night out, I’m hardly going to be inclined to go to bed 8 hours later at 11 even if I’m not out. This is a serious problem if, as with my current placement, I need to get up very early. I either find myself going to bed earlier than my body is ready for, or suffering the next day because I’ve slept when it was ready but it’s not had the chance to get enough sleep.
Basically, I need to start being strict with myself here - when I’m not going out, unless there’s a specific reason to stay up - a late film, for example - I need to force myself to go to bed at a sensible hour. Regardless. It may be hard to adjust to, but I’ll definitely see the benefit, especially in combination with the other life changes. I need 8 hours sleep a night really, and getting 4-6 5 nights a week then 12 the other two just isn’t good enough. Soon I won’t be a student anymore, I’ve got to stop making pointless excuses for myself.
Other things: 3. Sort my self discipline. Singularly my biggest flaw as a human being is my utter lack of self discipline. Why? Because if I wasn’t so damn lazy I’d have fixed most of the other problems by now. So why isn’t this in the top 3? It is a bit bizarre, but actually I think that if I can force myself into action with the three biggest specific issues, then I’ll be in a much better place to handle everything else anyway, including general self discipline. It’s a self perpetuating problem (I need it to change my ways, but the ways I’m changing include a lack of it) but if I get over the hurdle it’s a self perpetuating solution as well (getting the motivation should hopefully make it easier not to lapse).
If I can sort this once and for all, then everything else could well just start falling into place. Of course, it’s an ongoing thing - it’s not just something I can switch on and magically it’s there. But if I start doing the other things on this list I’ll know I’ve got somewhere. And I need to, badly. Attempting the other three without being self disciplined is going to be insanely difficult - but then with a self perpetuating problem like this that was always going to be the case somewhere along the line.
Oh, and it’s worth noting the irony of this - I’ve written this entry when I’ve been in work and emailed it to myself. It’s ironic for two reasons. 1. I’m procrastinating over my actual work. 2. I know that if I go home with the intention of writing this - I won’t. I’ve been alternating using this to procrastinate over work with using work to procrastinate over this since about 11am.
4. Stop being so escapist Marie’s AltNation user title at the moment (as of writing this) is Step 1: Wake up to reality. That is a damn good first step it has to be said. I’ve always had a very escapist mind. I was socially pretty much non-existant until I was 19, and consequently spent far too much of my formative years inside my own head. It’s time I stopped that for good. Of course, I’m nowhere near as bad for it now as I was in my childhood, but still.
I was thinking about this last night actually. I spend pretty much the whole afternoon and evening playing Unreal Tournament 3, and I was truly engrossed in a way that I haven’t been for ages. You know that way, where you stop and then feel like you’ve only just returned to reality from stasis, that things have moved on and you haven’t? Must have been 7/8 hours or so, punctuated with a few spells online that hardly served to restore me to the real world. It was a feeling I thought I missed, until I felt it again. I really don’t miss that at all. It felt awful, truly awful, and made the knowledge that I should have been in bed a couple of hours before I went because of that far worse to handle.
Biased though I obviously am, my spending so much time in my head was at least understandable back then, even if not sensible. But now, time to stop. Changing an ingrained mindset is never easy, but this time I think I do have the determination not to fail. I did actually succeed with this last time for a while, but I fell back into it again. It's become my lowest priority, since I'm so sick of myself I need to escape every now and again.
5. Stop wasting so much time on the computer. This is of course related to escapism and self discipline. Computers have always been a very good way of escaping reality, and I’m always far too lazy to stop. Clicking new posts endlessly, idling randomly going through the same dozen tabs waiting for something to happen on the internet, etc, that has to stop. Doing useful things, like helping out at Chess Corner? More of that please. But less non-productive shite.
6. Actually do those interesting things it occurs to me to do sometimes. Again, linked to the above. Really, I don’t actually do a huge amount with my time. When I come to think about it, the huge majority of it seems to find itself spent doing things like going on the internet, watching films, and going to the Cathouse. There’s disturbingly little beyond that, and that has to change. By sorting my energy levels and general state of being I should hopefully be more motivated than I have been to actually get off my arse and do things. I’ve always said I could be making so much more of my life than I am in career terms, but in interest terms that’s true as well! Time to stop talking and actually make it happen. Life’s too short to delay any longer.
7. Improve my confidence. This is another one which is likely to become a lot easier once the benefits of an improved diet and better sleep show through. I’m definitely far more confident now than I once was, helped enormously by having a fantastic - and large - social life. But there is still a long way to go, especially around women. Even if I could fake it it would be better than not having it, but obviously I’d much rather it be real. Being healthier and more positive should automatically bring benefits in this area, and provide the platform I need to take things further.
8. Improve self image. Related, of course. I need to think seriously about how I portray myself, and how I want to be portrayed. It does my confidence no good to be too afraid to acknowledge my good qualities for fear of being accused of boasting. I mean I do have good qualities! I’m honest, loyal, friendly (sometimes) and a good listener for a start. I shouldn’t be afraid of showing those things. I don’t like coming across as an immature little boy with a mental age about half his physical age, but in all honesty not everybody sees me that way and I have to stop assuming that they do.
Because some do I have to change it. Not for other people, but for myself. It’s no confidence booster to feel that way! This of course means getting out of my head and seriously thinking about who I am and how I want to be seen.
Fashion is a major one there. I’ve never had much of an interest in fashion. And that’s fine, really, but I should at least give basic consideration to this, even if it does mean going beyond my usual boundaries. In fact - if I stay within my standard parameters then there’s a problem. It’s all about the trying new things, unleashing what I have the capacity to be instead of sticking with what I am when sheer inertia is the only reason - and it’s an unspeakably bad one - for being so stuck in my ways.
10. Socialise more outside the pub/Cathouse This is hardly a unique goal to me. Me and my friends keep saying “Yeah, we really need to hang out more outside the Cathouse etc” and yet it seldom ever happens. Me and Ali did make the effort to do that, and wound up living together, but what about everyone else? Rach, fair enough I see her quite a bit, even though not nearly as much as I’d like to. Fiona Goth Pixie, again, sometimes though not enough. Beyond that it’s really nothing regular or frequent and that’s such a shame!
If I need to be the one who does the prodding, then so be it. I can make things happen, I have to. The other advantage of that is that by socialising more, and outwith usual internet meet up thingies, it helps me get off the Net. AltNation is still my main social hub, and getting away from that (even though it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be in that regard) is a priority. No question.
11. Learn not to be so negative! For people who are naturally positive, it’s impossible to work out how the mind of someone like me works (ok, let’s ignore the simple fact that I’m impossible to work out). Ultimately, in order to get out of old habits and become more positive - and, as a result, happier - I need to do things like those above. Getting rid of negativity is a long term goal, it’s an ultimate. But that’s not to say I won’t start seeing it almost immediately! I definitely will. I mean, just a week of good sleep, after a lifetime without, can make a hell of a lot of difference, it really can.
Right there's the list, so much for number 2 being fixed as I've instead written this entry. Oh the irony. If I was capable of laughter right now it would be coming forth heartily from me.
2. Sort sleeping habits. Of course, the big ones all go hand in hand. If I can improve my diet and remove caffeine largely from it, then I should find myself sleeping a lot better. It is however an area I need to look at in its own right anyway. I have an incredible inertia when it comes to sleeping. I love it, but whenever I’m awake I tend not to want to go to bed, and when I’m in bed I tend not to want to get up. In each case I regularly push the boundaries of common sense, meaning I frequently either have only a few hours to enjoy the day or a few hours sleep.
This is something I need to stop. Going out a whole load doesn’t help this, but I’m not prepared to limit my socialising, not no way, not no how. Nor should I need to, if I apply even a modicum of common sense/realism to my sleeping. The problem is that if I get up at 3pm because I’ve only gone to bed at 5am due to a night out, I’m hardly going to be inclined to go to bed 8 hours later at 11 even if I’m not out. This is a serious problem if, as with my current placement, I need to get up very early. I either find myself going to bed earlier than my body is ready for, or suffering the next day because I’ve slept when it was ready but it’s not had the chance to get enough sleep.
Basically, I need to start being strict with myself here - when I’m not going out, unless there’s a specific reason to stay up - a late film, for example - I need to force myself to go to bed at a sensible hour. Regardless. It may be hard to adjust to, but I’ll definitely see the benefit, especially in combination with the other life changes. I need 8 hours sleep a night really, and getting 4-6 5 nights a week then 12 the other two just isn’t good enough. Soon I won’t be a student anymore, I’ve got to stop making pointless excuses for myself.
Other things: 3. Sort my self discipline. Singularly my biggest flaw as a human being is my utter lack of self discipline. Why? Because if I wasn’t so damn lazy I’d have fixed most of the other problems by now. So why isn’t this in the top 3? It is a bit bizarre, but actually I think that if I can force myself into action with the three biggest specific issues, then I’ll be in a much better place to handle everything else anyway, including general self discipline. It’s a self perpetuating problem (I need it to change my ways, but the ways I’m changing include a lack of it) but if I get over the hurdle it’s a self perpetuating solution as well (getting the motivation should hopefully make it easier not to lapse).
If I can sort this once and for all, then everything else could well just start falling into place. Of course, it’s an ongoing thing - it’s not just something I can switch on and magically it’s there. But if I start doing the other things on this list I’ll know I’ve got somewhere. And I need to, badly. Attempting the other three without being self disciplined is going to be insanely difficult - but then with a self perpetuating problem like this that was always going to be the case somewhere along the line.
Oh, and it’s worth noting the irony of this - I’ve written this entry when I’ve been in work and emailed it to myself. It’s ironic for two reasons. 1. I’m procrastinating over my actual work. 2. I know that if I go home with the intention of writing this - I won’t. I’ve been alternating using this to procrastinate over work with using work to procrastinate over this since about 11am.
4. Stop being so escapist Marie’s AltNation user title at the moment (as of writing this) is Step 1: Wake up to reality. That is a damn good first step it has to be said. I’ve always had a very escapist mind. I was socially pretty much non-existant until I was 19, and consequently spent far too much of my formative years inside my own head. It’s time I stopped that for good. Of course, I’m nowhere near as bad for it now as I was in my childhood, but still.
I was thinking about this last night actually. I spend pretty much the whole afternoon and evening playing Unreal Tournament 3, and I was truly engrossed in a way that I haven’t been for ages. You know that way, where you stop and then feel like you’ve only just returned to reality from stasis, that things have moved on and you haven’t? Must have been 7/8 hours or so, punctuated with a few spells online that hardly served to restore me to the real world. It was a feeling I thought I missed, until I felt it again. I really don’t miss that at all. It felt awful, truly awful, and made the knowledge that I should have been in bed a couple of hours before I went because of that far worse to handle.
Biased though I obviously am, my spending so much time in my head was at least understandable back then, even if not sensible. But now, time to stop. Changing an ingrained mindset is never easy, but this time I think I do have the determination not to fail. I did actually succeed with this last time for a while, but I fell back into it again. It's become my lowest priority, since I'm so sick of myself I need to escape every now and again.
5. Stop wasting so much time on the computer. This is of course related to escapism and self discipline. Computers have always been a very good way of escaping reality, and I’m always far too lazy to stop. Clicking new posts endlessly, idling randomly going through the same dozen tabs waiting for something to happen on the internet, etc, that has to stop. Doing useful things, like helping out at Chess Corner? More of that please. But less non-productive shite.
6. Actually do those interesting things it occurs to me to do sometimes. Again, linked to the above. Really, I don’t actually do a huge amount with my time. When I come to think about it, the huge majority of it seems to find itself spent doing things like going on the internet, watching films, and going to the Cathouse. There’s disturbingly little beyond that, and that has to change. By sorting my energy levels and general state of being I should hopefully be more motivated than I have been to actually get off my arse and do things. I’ve always said I could be making so much more of my life than I am in career terms, but in interest terms that’s true as well! Time to stop talking and actually make it happen. Life’s too short to delay any longer.
7. Improve my confidence. This is another one which is likely to become a lot easier once the benefits of an improved diet and better sleep show through. I’m definitely far more confident now than I once was, helped enormously by having a fantastic - and large - social life. But there is still a long way to go, especially around women. Even if I could fake it it would be better than not having it, but obviously I’d much rather it be real. Being healthier and more positive should automatically bring benefits in this area, and provide the platform I need to take things further.
8. Improve self image. Related, of course. I need to think seriously about how I portray myself, and how I want to be portrayed. It does my confidence no good to be too afraid to acknowledge my good qualities for fear of being accused of boasting. I mean I do have good qualities! I’m honest, loyal, friendly (sometimes) and a good listener for a start. I shouldn’t be afraid of showing those things. I don’t like coming across as an immature little boy with a mental age about half his physical age, but in all honesty not everybody sees me that way and I have to stop assuming that they do.
Because some do I have to change it. Not for other people, but for myself. It’s no confidence booster to feel that way! This of course means getting out of my head and seriously thinking about who I am and how I want to be seen.
Fashion is a major one there. I’ve never had much of an interest in fashion. And that’s fine, really, but I should at least give basic consideration to this, even if it does mean going beyond my usual boundaries. In fact - if I stay within my standard parameters then there’s a problem. It’s all about the trying new things, unleashing what I have the capacity to be instead of sticking with what I am when sheer inertia is the only reason - and it’s an unspeakably bad one - for being so stuck in my ways.
10. Socialise more outside the pub/Cathouse This is hardly a unique goal to me. Me and my friends keep saying “Yeah, we really need to hang out more outside the Cathouse etc” and yet it seldom ever happens. Me and Ali did make the effort to do that, and wound up living together, but what about everyone else? Rach, fair enough I see her quite a bit, even though not nearly as much as I’d like to. Fiona Goth Pixie, again, sometimes though not enough. Beyond that it’s really nothing regular or frequent and that’s such a shame!
If I need to be the one who does the prodding, then so be it. I can make things happen, I have to. The other advantage of that is that by socialising more, and outwith usual internet meet up thingies, it helps me get off the Net. AltNation is still my main social hub, and getting away from that (even though it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be in that regard) is a priority. No question.
11. Learn not to be so negative! For people who are naturally positive, it’s impossible to work out how the mind of someone like me works (ok, let’s ignore the simple fact that I’m impossible to work out). Ultimately, in order to get out of old habits and become more positive - and, as a result, happier - I need to do things like those above. Getting rid of negativity is a long term goal, it’s an ultimate. But that’s not to say I won’t start seeing it almost immediately! I definitely will. I mean, just a week of good sleep, after a lifetime without, can make a hell of a lot of difference, it really can.
Right there's the list, so much for number 2 being fixed as I've instead written this entry. Oh the irony. If I was capable of laughter right now it would be coming forth heartily from me.