LOLOLOLOLZ! ROONIL, NOBODY LIKEZ U
BEST DEATHLY HALLOWS RECAP EVER.
I'm only sorry I didn't write this myself.
...I'll have to do something, though. I am the recap lady, amiright??
Excerpt:
Ron: But if they killed *SPOILER*, anyone can die. Even me, and I still haven't told Hermione how much I love her.
Hermione: What was that last bit?
Ron: Nothing.
Arthur: OMFG, it's not even page 100, and three characters are dead.
Harry: Whut?
Hermione: I altered their memories so they think they're a retired couple with no children who are moving to Australia to live.
Harry: Whut?
Ron: Wow, Hermione, that is fucking hardcore.
Hermione: Just call me John Holmes, bitch.
Hermione restrains Ron and leads them into a cafe where she orders them some half-caf extra mocha latte espressos.
Ron: Muggles drink this shit? I want some pumpkin juice.
Umbridge: Mrs. Cattermole, if that is your name, is it not true that you are muggle born?
Mrs. Cattermole: That's correct.
Umbridge: Do you weigh more than a duck?
Mrs. Cattermole: What?
Umbridge: It's a simple question, do you weigh more than a duck?
Mrs. Cattermole: Of course I do.
They spend months crisscrossing England with no luck. And all the time Ron's becoming more depressed, moving past The Smiths into Rainer Maria and the Silversun Pickups. Hermione's attempts to cheer him up with some ska music do no good.
They eventually find the Potters' graves.
Harry: Hermione, look at this. The dates on these graves. My parents were born in 1960 and died in 1981. That means it's late 1996 right now. By the time anyone reads this, I'll be like 27.
Hermione: You know what this means, Harry? Your mother ... your mother had Farrah hair!
Harry: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Mrs. Bagshot, are you trying to seduce me?
Suddenly Bathilda's head falls of and Voldemort's snake, Nagini, shoots out of her shoulders.
Harry: WTF?
Nagini: PWND!
The snake attacks Harry,
Harry: WTF!?!?!?!?!?
A few nights later, Harry is sitting watch when he sees something move in the woods. He looks and sees a patronus -- a silver doe -- moving through the forest. He gets and follows it to a frozen pool. Looking down he sees the Sword of Gryffindor under the ice.
Harry: Well, that's an unexpected plot contrivance.
So he uses his wand to break the ice and dives in, but when he grabs the sword, the locket chain tightens around his throat. "Ack," he thinks, "this isn't Lord of the Rings!" But the locket won't let go, and just as he's about to pass out a hand reaches down and grabs him.
Harry: Ron!
Harry rushes to embrace his friend, but Ron holds his arms up to stop him.
Ron: Whoa mate, you're naked. At least cover your junk first.
Harry: It's okay, the water's cold so it's all shriveled up.
They hug.
Both: Fag!
Narcissa: We can't just some the Dark Lord because we think we have Potter. We have to know the truth. Draco, come down here!
Draco comes down from his bedroom, his eyes wide and glassy and a strange scent of incense clinging to him.
Draco: What do you need? I have something I need to do at 4:20.
Narcissa: Is this boy Harry Potter?
Draco squints.
Draco: I dunno. Is he?
Narcissa: What about these two? Do you recognize either of them?
Draco: Maybe. Can't tell.
Voldemort: You have knowledge of the uber-wand.
Grindelwald: Don't know what you're talking about, chap.
Voldemort: Tell me all you know.
Grindelwald: Don't think that tiny snake head could hold it all.
Voldemort: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Grindelwald: Please, I was doing this schtick when you were still wiggling around in your daddy's nutsack.
Voldemort: Never mention my father!
Grindelwald: When you go, can you turn the light out.
Voldemort: Do not taunt the evil overlord!
Grindelwald: Sonny boy, I'm the evil overlord. You're a young upstart with delusions of grandeur. And I haven't got the wand, so you're wasting my time.
Voldemort: Who has it?
Grindelwald: Dunno. Your minions killed the man who took it from me.
Voldemort: Shiznit!
Neville: Soon the halls shall run red with the blood of Death Eaters!
Ron: Wow. Neville. You are hardcore. Fucking Henry Rollins.
Hermione: We knew we needed something to destroy the Horcruxes, and then Ron remembered there's a dead basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, so we went to get some of its teeth.
Harry: Neither of you speak parseltongue.
Ron: No, but I've heard you do it, so I imitated the sounds you made to the sink in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
Harry: And it worked? That makes no sense. And how did you get out? Last time we had to use Fawkes to carry us. And wasn't the tunnel caved-in?
Ron: Look, mate, there are only about 125 pages left. Do you really want to spend twenty of them helping us get into the Chamber and extract teeth? Just let it go and pretend it makes sense.
Voldemort: No, I have something more important for you to do.
Snape: What might that be?
Voldemort: You need to die. You see, the uber-wand that I stole from Dumbledore's grave isn't living up to the hype -- it just isn't giving me enough cowbell, only cranking to 10, not the full 11 -- and I've been wondering why not. Dumbledore was killed, so the wand should be ready to give itself to a new master. But not any master, the one who killed Dumbledore, which wasn't me but you. Yes, Severus, I'm afraid the only way for me to control the wand's full might is to kill you. So sorry. Nagini, sick balls.
Nagini drops from his protective field and attacks Snape.
Snape: ZOMFG, I'm killed by a fucking snake?
Nagini: PWNAGE!
He storms out and heads to Dumbledore's office, where he pours Snape's dying thoughts into the Pensieve.
Snape: Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you how I became the half-blood Prince of a school called H-warts. In Spinner's End born and raised, in the playground is where I spent most of my days, chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' out cool, shootin' some quaffles outside of the school.
Dumbledore: After all this time?
Snape: Always.
Dumbledore: You know, Severus, you had your big fight with her when you were 15, over half a lifetime ago. Carrying a torch for her after all these years ... bit obsessive don't you think. Maybe it's time you move on. Start dating. I've found the personal ads in the Quibbler are quite rewarding.
Snape: There'll never be anyone else for me. Now excuse me, I'm going to listen to The Cure.
Voldemort: No, he is a pure-blood. Join me, Longbottom, and together we can end this destructive conflict.
Neville: I'll never join you! San Dimas High School Football rulez!
Voldemort: WTF?
Neville breaks the curse that's restraining him, and Voldie sics Nagini on him.
Nagini: PWND.
Neville whips off the Sorting Hat, pulling the Sword of Gryffindor from it, shouts, "I am no man," and strikes off Nagini's head. "PWN this."
I'm only sorry I didn't write this myself.
...I'll have to do something, though. I am the recap lady, amiright??
Excerpt:
Ron: But if they killed *SPOILER*, anyone can die. Even me, and I still haven't told Hermione how much I love her.
Hermione: What was that last bit?
Ron: Nothing.
Arthur: OMFG, it's not even page 100, and three characters are dead.
Harry: Whut?
Hermione: I altered their memories so they think they're a retired couple with no children who are moving to Australia to live.
Harry: Whut?
Ron: Wow, Hermione, that is fucking hardcore.
Hermione: Just call me John Holmes, bitch.
Hermione restrains Ron and leads them into a cafe where she orders them some half-caf extra mocha latte espressos.
Ron: Muggles drink this shit? I want some pumpkin juice.
Umbridge: Mrs. Cattermole, if that is your name, is it not true that you are muggle born?
Mrs. Cattermole: That's correct.
Umbridge: Do you weigh more than a duck?
Mrs. Cattermole: What?
Umbridge: It's a simple question, do you weigh more than a duck?
Mrs. Cattermole: Of course I do.
They spend months crisscrossing England with no luck. And all the time Ron's becoming more depressed, moving past The Smiths into Rainer Maria and the Silversun Pickups. Hermione's attempts to cheer him up with some ska music do no good.
They eventually find the Potters' graves.
Harry: Hermione, look at this. The dates on these graves. My parents were born in 1960 and died in 1981. That means it's late 1996 right now. By the time anyone reads this, I'll be like 27.
Hermione: You know what this means, Harry? Your mother ... your mother had Farrah hair!
Harry: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Mrs. Bagshot, are you trying to seduce me?
Suddenly Bathilda's head falls of and Voldemort's snake, Nagini, shoots out of her shoulders.
Harry: WTF?
Nagini: PWND!
The snake attacks Harry,
Harry: WTF!?!?!?!?!?
A few nights later, Harry is sitting watch when he sees something move in the woods. He looks and sees a patronus -- a silver doe -- moving through the forest. He gets and follows it to a frozen pool. Looking down he sees the Sword of Gryffindor under the ice.
Harry: Well, that's an unexpected plot contrivance.
So he uses his wand to break the ice and dives in, but when he grabs the sword, the locket chain tightens around his throat. "Ack," he thinks, "this isn't Lord of the Rings!" But the locket won't let go, and just as he's about to pass out a hand reaches down and grabs him.
Harry: Ron!
Harry rushes to embrace his friend, but Ron holds his arms up to stop him.
Ron: Whoa mate, you're naked. At least cover your junk first.
Harry: It's okay, the water's cold so it's all shriveled up.
They hug.
Both: Fag!
Narcissa: We can't just some the Dark Lord because we think we have Potter. We have to know the truth. Draco, come down here!
Draco comes down from his bedroom, his eyes wide and glassy and a strange scent of incense clinging to him.
Draco: What do you need? I have something I need to do at 4:20.
Narcissa: Is this boy Harry Potter?
Draco squints.
Draco: I dunno. Is he?
Narcissa: What about these two? Do you recognize either of them?
Draco: Maybe. Can't tell.
Voldemort: You have knowledge of the uber-wand.
Grindelwald: Don't know what you're talking about, chap.
Voldemort: Tell me all you know.
Grindelwald: Don't think that tiny snake head could hold it all.
Voldemort: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Grindelwald: Please, I was doing this schtick when you were still wiggling around in your daddy's nutsack.
Voldemort: Never mention my father!
Grindelwald: When you go, can you turn the light out.
Voldemort: Do not taunt the evil overlord!
Grindelwald: Sonny boy, I'm the evil overlord. You're a young upstart with delusions of grandeur. And I haven't got the wand, so you're wasting my time.
Voldemort: Who has it?
Grindelwald: Dunno. Your minions killed the man who took it from me.
Voldemort: Shiznit!
Neville: Soon the halls shall run red with the blood of Death Eaters!
Ron: Wow. Neville. You are hardcore. Fucking Henry Rollins.
Hermione: We knew we needed something to destroy the Horcruxes, and then Ron remembered there's a dead basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, so we went to get some of its teeth.
Harry: Neither of you speak parseltongue.
Ron: No, but I've heard you do it, so I imitated the sounds you made to the sink in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
Harry: And it worked? That makes no sense. And how did you get out? Last time we had to use Fawkes to carry us. And wasn't the tunnel caved-in?
Ron: Look, mate, there are only about 125 pages left. Do you really want to spend twenty of them helping us get into the Chamber and extract teeth? Just let it go and pretend it makes sense.
Voldemort: No, I have something more important for you to do.
Snape: What might that be?
Voldemort: You need to die. You see, the uber-wand that I stole from Dumbledore's grave isn't living up to the hype -- it just isn't giving me enough cowbell, only cranking to 10, not the full 11 -- and I've been wondering why not. Dumbledore was killed, so the wand should be ready to give itself to a new master. But not any master, the one who killed Dumbledore, which wasn't me but you. Yes, Severus, I'm afraid the only way for me to control the wand's full might is to kill you. So sorry. Nagini, sick balls.
Nagini drops from his protective field and attacks Snape.
Snape: ZOMFG, I'm killed by a fucking snake?
Nagini: PWNAGE!
He storms out and heads to Dumbledore's office, where he pours Snape's dying thoughts into the Pensieve.
Snape: Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you how I became the half-blood Prince of a school called H-warts. In Spinner's End born and raised, in the playground is where I spent most of my days, chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' out cool, shootin' some quaffles outside of the school.
Dumbledore: After all this time?
Snape: Always.
Dumbledore: You know, Severus, you had your big fight with her when you were 15, over half a lifetime ago. Carrying a torch for her after all these years ... bit obsessive don't you think. Maybe it's time you move on. Start dating. I've found the personal ads in the Quibbler are quite rewarding.
Snape: There'll never be anyone else for me. Now excuse me, I'm going to listen to The Cure.
Voldemort: No, he is a pure-blood. Join me, Longbottom, and together we can end this destructive conflict.
Neville: I'll never join you! San Dimas High School Football rulez!
Voldemort: WTF?
Neville breaks the curse that's restraining him, and Voldie sics Nagini on him.
Nagini: PWND.
Neville whips off the Sorting Hat, pulling the Sword of Gryffindor from it, shouts, "I am no man," and strikes off Nagini's head. "PWN this."