Troy review
Troy: the review, now with more snark and spoilers galore
Dear Achilles,
listen up, girlfriend, you may be the hottest thing that hit the battlefield since, I don't know, mankind learned to walk upright, but
get the fuck over yourself already, you self-involved prick! I wasn't impressed, but that was to be expected, never been much for Iliad's Achilles either.
Okay, spill, what really did happen between you and Hector in that temple o' smut Apollo? *wibbles*
You gave Patroclus's necklace to Briseis! *seethes* But wait, oh! From one love to the next. Oh okay, I can deal.
Brad, you leave me cold, both man and actor. However, you had your moments. You were perfect for this role, but some of the lines you had
to say *headdesk*.
Dear Odysseus,
you rock, man. So damn much. The quiet hero of this tale, the thinker. The most complex character, but not because of the lines given to you but because of Sean fucking Bean. The person responsible for your fringe deserves punishment. *dies laughing*
I don't know what it is with you, Sean, but you give so much complexity to your roles, undercurrents, subtlety. So, so very good. And that almost black/white scene after the fireballs. Holy fuck, you looked good.
Dear Paris,
man, you can grovel. I wanted in turn to cuddle you and slap you silly. You broke my heart and I hated you. That faux Legolas action at the end,
um.. no. And about that almost completely nude scene, you fucker! You survived? Eh. *stabs*
Orlando, you have a lot to learn still (facial expressionsomg! learn more), but I'm not that afraid anymore. You are far away from being able to hold a film on your own shoulders, but I really liked what you did with Paris here. Especially you and Hector had so much chemistry.
Dear Hector,
I love you, no really. You broke me in half. I bawled like a baby when you died. There is no snark. You fucking owned this movie.
When you fought against Ajax, I wanted to paw at the screen. That had almost Legolas action!elf in Moria quality. Much with the guh. You and
little brother were so lovely together.
Eric, I know you're married with kids and all, but call me whenever. And I thought Hoot did bad things to me.
Dear Hector's baby boy Astyanax,
about that eyebrow action when daddy kissed you goodbye, *bawls*
You are so cute. So glad they didn't go with Iliad canon.
Dear Helen,
I liked you. I was actually pleasantly surprised. Some of your lines were horrid, but you did your best. You and Paris were cute. Not at first (your first scene alone together sucked ass). I wanted to kiss you for that "you are so young, my love." line to Paris.
Diane, you did well. And you're pretty.
Dear Andromache,
die! or get a fucking personality. And stop bubbling already. That is all.
Saffron, that was a joke, right? Jesus, you gave suck a new meaning.
Dear Patroclus,
okay, you were not my beloved Iliad Patroclus, but I liked you. I bawled when you died.
Garrett, you are pretty.
Dear Agamemnon,
you testosterone-ridden prick with a alpha male neurosis, I liked you despite the annoying tendency of the script to ram your evilness
down my throat. I got it after the first scene okay, that thing with Prim in the end was truly unnecessary. I can't believe they killed you off in the end. *stabs*
Dear Priam,
I want you as my daddy. You of honour and a gentle heart. Hector has it all from you. *pets*
Dear Briseis,
well, I expected to despise you. You are a weird mix of characters, but I didn't hate you. However, your introduction scene made me cringe. The end made me cringe. But I blame the writers.
Dear Eudorus,
you of the pretty green eyes, dark hair and eyeliner. I saw you and wanted to know who you are. You rock. You will so appear in fanfic of
mine, you know. You broke my heart when you cried over Patroclus.
Dear Menelaus, Nestor, Ajax,...
I didn't care about you at all.
Things I loved
Gorgeous men. Gorgeous men in skirts. Gorgeous men in skirts prancing about half-naked. Much naked manflesh. I like this tendency in films, keep it up. *leers*
Hector and Paris in every scene they were together. They work so well together. The
contrast, both physically and character-wise, wonderful.
The Hector/Paris scene on the ship. Hector telling Paris off, "you know nothing about love." The indignant, hurt-pride look on Paris's face.
Petersen understood that Eric (and Brad) can say a million things with just one look. Very powerful.
Paris's come hither look over the brim of his mug (first scene, Sparta).
Hector's face after he killed Ajax, the wildness in his eyes that turned them almost black; and when he realised he killed Patroclus.
The look on Achilles face before the big Hector/Achilles showdown. He scared the shit out of me.
The showdown. I don't think I breathed once.
Achilles crying over Hector's dead body.
The costumes. Horsey. Achilles', Hector's and Paris's hair.
Hector! Odysseus.
A billion and one possibilities for fanfic.
Things I hated.
They cut it!! We poor Germans get a cut version because the violence didn't work with the aimed for rating. *seethes*
Becca, download me a proper version!! Please.
The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score.
Talk about ripping off both Gladiator and LotR, and creating evil.
That wailing woman, *stabs*
The horns *stabs*
The song at the end *has blood running out her ears* I left before the credits ended. I never do that.
The first ten or so minutes (until the cut to Sparta), oh God. Whoever's responsible that it made it into the film should be shot. I wanted to leave. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw things at the screen. So mind-numbingly boring. And that monster of a Trojan man, nice chest,
though sadly obvious prosthetics. And the vehicles, my God, did the prop department stole them from a field and prettied them up?
I was scared to death this film would piss me off beyond anything.
The writing. *cringes*
Now and then I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep from giggling, or groaning.
Did some google-ing, scriptwriter David Benioff also did last year's a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307901/">25th Hour which I hated, and it takes a lot to make me hate things with Edward Norton in it. Figures.
I'm going to avoid this guy.
Editing.
The camera work was too LotR. The battles scenes, think Helm's Deep and Pelannor without the emotional impact. Mind-numbing. The Trojan soldiers doing an Uruk-hai expression by beating their spears against their shields. Urgh.
Andromache!!
Things that made me go 'er, what?'
The Helen/Hector scene when she wanted to sneak back to the Greeks. Helen was too weepy and frantic, Hector was so very desperate to keep
her there. Um, Hector, you are married, y'know, she's not leaving you, y'know. I know what this scene should've meant, but it was odd.
Agamemnon taking Briseis from Achilles. Achilles about to fight. Briseis stops him with a few words. Er, what? You expect me to believe this?
Really? You must be mad.
Elements of the decoration. *stabs* The history geek want to go ballistic.
Patroclus as a convincing Achilles? Excuse me.
The over the top heterosexuality of it angered me. I didn't expect hot, sweaty soldier on soldier action before battle, but, please, less talk about wives and women and girls. I bought Helen/Paris, I kinda bought Achilles/Briseis (when they didn't blew it out of proportions, that is. "You gave me peace." *stabs*) Okay, Andromache/Hector was nonsense. Her character was craptastic.
Paris the ladykiller. I didn't quite buy it. Though, for one night only he doesn't need more than looks. That he had in spades.
Priam coming for Hector's body. *shrugs* What's all the fuss about this scene?
I love the Iliad. Characters got fused together, others forgotten, others mutilated beyond repair. Okay, I get it. I'm not enough of a purist to go ballistic.
It could have rocked my socks, if only there would've been better writing. It hinted at interesting themes: Hector's believe in
the Gods vs. his believe in his sword; Achilles and Hector as two sides of the same coin,... but the writers didn't follow through. I felt cheated, in a way. But much food for fic. Huzzah!
It was like a pendulum: thrilling to the point of goosebumps, blah, thrilling, blah.
It's an okay movie with lots of wonderful characters. I love it despite myself.
However, hello fandom of the season. You will surely melt my brain.
Will see it again on Monday and then get writing. *whee*
PS. I need the script, or transcript!! Please, anyone?
Dear Achilles,
listen up, girlfriend, you may be the hottest thing that hit the battlefield since, I don't know, mankind learned to walk upright, but
get the fuck over yourself already, you self-involved prick! I wasn't impressed, but that was to be expected, never been much for Iliad's Achilles either.
Okay, spill, what really did happen between you and Hector in that temple o' smut Apollo? *wibbles*
You gave Patroclus's necklace to Briseis! *seethes* But wait, oh! From one love to the next. Oh okay, I can deal.
Brad, you leave me cold, both man and actor. However, you had your moments. You were perfect for this role, but some of the lines you had
to say *headdesk*.
Dear Odysseus,
you rock, man. So damn much. The quiet hero of this tale, the thinker. The most complex character, but not because of the lines given to you but because of Sean fucking Bean. The person responsible for your fringe deserves punishment. *dies laughing*
I don't know what it is with you, Sean, but you give so much complexity to your roles, undercurrents, subtlety. So, so very good. And that almost black/white scene after the fireballs. Holy fuck, you looked good.
Dear Paris,
man, you can grovel. I wanted in turn to cuddle you and slap you silly. You broke my heart and I hated you. That faux Legolas action at the end,
um.. no. And about that almost completely nude scene, you fucker! You survived? Eh. *stabs*
Orlando, you have a lot to learn still (facial expressionsomg! learn more), but I'm not that afraid anymore. You are far away from being able to hold a film on your own shoulders, but I really liked what you did with Paris here. Especially you and Hector had so much chemistry.
Dear Hector,
I love you, no really. You broke me in half. I bawled like a baby when you died. There is no snark. You fucking owned this movie.
When you fought against Ajax, I wanted to paw at the screen. That had almost Legolas action!elf in Moria quality. Much with the guh. You and
little brother were so lovely together.
Eric, I know you're married with kids and all, but call me whenever. And I thought Hoot did bad things to me.
Dear Hector's baby boy Astyanax,
about that eyebrow action when daddy kissed you goodbye, *bawls*
You are so cute. So glad they didn't go with Iliad canon.
Dear Helen,
I liked you. I was actually pleasantly surprised. Some of your lines were horrid, but you did your best. You and Paris were cute. Not at first (your first scene alone together sucked ass). I wanted to kiss you for that "you are so young, my love." line to Paris.
Diane, you did well. And you're pretty.
Dear Andromache,
die! or get a fucking personality. And stop bubbling already. That is all.
Saffron, that was a joke, right? Jesus, you gave suck a new meaning.
Dear Patroclus,
okay, you were not my beloved Iliad Patroclus, but I liked you. I bawled when you died.
Garrett, you are pretty.
Dear Agamemnon,
you testosterone-ridden prick with a alpha male neurosis, I liked you despite the annoying tendency of the script to ram your evilness
down my throat. I got it after the first scene okay, that thing with Prim in the end was truly unnecessary. I can't believe they killed you off in the end. *stabs*
Dear Priam,
I want you as my daddy. You of honour and a gentle heart. Hector has it all from you. *pets*
Dear Briseis,
well, I expected to despise you. You are a weird mix of characters, but I didn't hate you. However, your introduction scene made me cringe. The end made me cringe. But I blame the writers.
Dear Eudorus,
you of the pretty green eyes, dark hair and eyeliner. I saw you and wanted to know who you are. You rock. You will so appear in fanfic of
mine, you know. You broke my heart when you cried over Patroclus.
Dear Menelaus, Nestor, Ajax,...
I didn't care about you at all.
Things I loved
Gorgeous men. Gorgeous men in skirts. Gorgeous men in skirts prancing about half-naked. Much naked manflesh. I like this tendency in films, keep it up. *leers*
Hector and Paris in every scene they were together. They work so well together. The
contrast, both physically and character-wise, wonderful.
The Hector/Paris scene on the ship. Hector telling Paris off, "you know nothing about love." The indignant, hurt-pride look on Paris's face.
Petersen understood that Eric (and Brad) can say a million things with just one look. Very powerful.
Paris's come hither look over the brim of his mug (first scene, Sparta).
Hector's face after he killed Ajax, the wildness in his eyes that turned them almost black; and when he realised he killed Patroclus.
The look on Achilles face before the big Hector/Achilles showdown. He scared the shit out of me.
The showdown. I don't think I breathed once.
Achilles crying over Hector's dead body.
The costumes. Horsey. Achilles', Hector's and Paris's hair.
Hector! Odysseus.
A billion and one possibilities for fanfic.
Things I hated.
They cut it!! We poor Germans get a cut version because the violence didn't work with the aimed for rating. *seethes*
Becca, download me a proper version!! Please.
The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score. The score.
Talk about ripping off both Gladiator and LotR, and creating evil.
That wailing woman, *stabs*
The horns *stabs*
The song at the end *has blood running out her ears* I left before the credits ended. I never do that.
The first ten or so minutes (until the cut to Sparta), oh God. Whoever's responsible that it made it into the film should be shot. I wanted to leave. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw things at the screen. So mind-numbingly boring. And that monster of a Trojan man, nice chest,
though sadly obvious prosthetics. And the vehicles, my God, did the prop department stole them from a field and prettied them up?
I was scared to death this film would piss me off beyond anything.
The writing. *cringes*
Now and then I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep from giggling, or groaning.
Did some google-ing, scriptwriter David Benioff also did last year's a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307901/">25th Hour which I hated, and it takes a lot to make me hate things with Edward Norton in it. Figures.
I'm going to avoid this guy.
Editing.
The camera work was too LotR. The battles scenes, think Helm's Deep and Pelannor without the emotional impact. Mind-numbing. The Trojan soldiers doing an Uruk-hai expression by beating their spears against their shields. Urgh.
Andromache!!
Things that made me go 'er, what?'
The Helen/Hector scene when she wanted to sneak back to the Greeks. Helen was too weepy and frantic, Hector was so very desperate to keep
her there. Um, Hector, you are married, y'know, she's not leaving you, y'know. I know what this scene should've meant, but it was odd.
Agamemnon taking Briseis from Achilles. Achilles about to fight. Briseis stops him with a few words. Er, what? You expect me to believe this?
Really? You must be mad.
Elements of the decoration. *stabs* The history geek want to go ballistic.
Patroclus as a convincing Achilles? Excuse me.
The over the top heterosexuality of it angered me. I didn't expect hot, sweaty soldier on soldier action before battle, but, please, less talk about wives and women and girls. I bought Helen/Paris, I kinda bought Achilles/Briseis (when they didn't blew it out of proportions, that is. "You gave me peace." *stabs*) Okay, Andromache/Hector was nonsense. Her character was craptastic.
Paris the ladykiller. I didn't quite buy it. Though, for one night only he doesn't need more than looks. That he had in spades.
Priam coming for Hector's body. *shrugs* What's all the fuss about this scene?
I love the Iliad. Characters got fused together, others forgotten, others mutilated beyond repair. Okay, I get it. I'm not enough of a purist to go ballistic.
It could have rocked my socks, if only there would've been better writing. It hinted at interesting themes: Hector's believe in
the Gods vs. his believe in his sword; Achilles and Hector as two sides of the same coin,... but the writers didn't follow through. I felt cheated, in a way. But much food for fic. Huzzah!
It was like a pendulum: thrilling to the point of goosebumps, blah, thrilling, blah.
It's an okay movie with lots of wonderful characters. I love it despite myself.
However, hello fandom of the season. You will surely melt my brain.
Will see it again on Monday and then get writing. *whee*
PS. I need the script, or transcript!! Please, anyone?