For now, I'll leave this as friends-only, but I may move it to private. For my friends, this will seem a little abrupt and new. I'll be diving into my history a bit, though.
[History] This year has been a very interesting one for me. I've grown into myself more and learned more about my emotions. As a brief background reminder, I've spent the last four years trying to learn, identify, and ultimately control my emotions. I suppose I couldn't have picked a better time, going through puberty, but I was determined to find out why I felt the way I did and how to avoid undesirable situations by predicting my how I was going to feel. I got pretty good at picking up on how I felt.
And to think, all it took to really set me ahead of the game was a little crush on a girl named Kristy (last name removed for courtesy) in 8th grade. I had spent the previous year learning to hide my feelings and make myself disappear in the void of social status, school-wise.
I had almost perfected my abilities by the time I went to Cope Middle School for my last year in Junior High. It was about the second day or so that I saw her, in P.E., standing on the number behind me. She wore a beige, mid-thigh, sleeveless dress with pale yellow and red flowers on the print. Her hair was shoulder length and a dark red, straight but bouncy. Deep and beautiful eyes, which I instantly tried to hide from. The thing I noticed most, though, was that she had the most incredible smile. Perfect teeth. I was "in love", or so I thought. I had never seen such an angel in all my life and there she was! Standing right behind me! My heart soared through the cloud, entreched in the amazement and grandeur of that moment.
I have to say, that was a wonderful moment for me. I was introduced a whole slew of emotions. I had my task, now only to proceed. As is my nature, I wanted to be cautious about this "possibility". I'm not the type that will normally rush into things such as this. So, I took as many opportunities to learn as much about her as possible, without her knowing that I was. Basically, I got my first espionage assignment. It was actually during this time that I learned a lot about what I know in the ways of gathering information on people. Anyway, I found out what her classes were, who her friends were, and what kind of a person she was.
It wasn't long before I found out that she was dating a particular fellow by the name of Deuel... (I probably block his last name or something like that) I found out when I saw them holding hands in the courtyard. Needless to say, my heart was severely broken. I felt betrayed. I felt like I had invested everything in her and it was snatched away. Oh... in case you didn't guess before, I was praying basically everyday about this whole situation from day one. I was also journaling on my computer the whole time, as well. That relationship lasted a whole three weeks or so (as is the standard in Middle School). As soon as I found out they broke up, I was once again filled with optimistic, almost sappy, joy. There was still a chance.
I took every opportunity I could to get as close as I could, so I could pick apart her personality (one of the many steps I take). To put it simply, I wanted to understand her. I made sure that I was sitting close to her on the bus (we had the same bus route), I made sure I was around her (at a safe distance) at most times during P.E., and I made sure that I overheard every conversation she made in public (exaggerating, slightly). The more I learned about her, the more I became disappointed. In all honesty, she was a horrible person. She cared nothing about anyone besides herself. She consistently cussed, without cause. She had no respect for anyone. But for some strange reason, I was still infatuated with her.
I could not isolate that emotion. I couldn't understand what was causing me to still be attracted to her. I knew that for all intents and purposes, I shouldn't be "in love" with her. I continued to spy on her and learn more about her. My disappointment continued to grow. On several occasions, in which I slipped up on my espionage, she cussed me out. Now, I admit, that at the time, I was a bit of a dweeb (part geek, dork, and freak). I wasn't at all a socially capable guy, but I knew what people were like. I could read each and every one of them like a book, especially because they all wore their personalities on their sleeves, so to speak. She was one of the most repulsive people at that school and I was "in love" with her. It simply didn't make any sense.
That Christmas, I was given the opportunity to read a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Finally, I had an answer. The book showed me so much of what I had been feeling. It gave me a name for what I was feeling. As a Christian, it was comforting to find a resource that dealt with these kind of issues and still directed it toward God. It's from this book that I derive my definition of dating: to be romantically involved with someone. That's a general definition, but it's the most common application for my definition. But the book also had one other thing... a sort of proposition for life. It presented a path that I could take if I felt that it was right for me. By no means was it required, as a Christian, to take this option, but I felt it would be right for me. Those who know me, can recognize this as my "No-Dating Policy". I adapted it to fit my life and went on.
I never did lose my infatuation for Kristy. The "possibility" was cut short, though, by my moving to Oregon. However, I still see her everywhere. Much like other people with crushes, you tend to see your "love" in everyone. The simplest resemblance or reminder will make you think of her. For me, it's the hair and a particular outfit that she wore often (a maroon shirt under blue jean overalls).
Upon coming up here and starting school, I ran into same problem. It was slightly different, but based off the same thing. In my creative writing class, there was this girl I knew. She actually was my friend. As I got to know her, I found quite the opposite of Kristy. She was kind, sweet, and truly a good person. She was also Christian. She was also a Junior and I was a Freshmen.
One of the thing I know to be true about my taste in women is that I need a sense of maturity. It's really a big turn-off for me if the girl is rather childish. Obviously, there's a balance, but I need that grown-up quality. I'm not so picky about my friends, but I find myself more attracted to a mature person. Keep in mind, I mean personality and not actual age. Go on, this person was none other than Crystal (last name removed for courtesy). Surprised? Anyway, as I got to know her, I slowly began building up an infatuation for her. It peaked over Christmas break.
Unlike my crush on Kristy, I was determined to control myself this time. I would not let my emotions run my life this time. I swallowed my feelings and tried to maintain the friendship I already had with her. Unfortunately, I wasn't all to successful in completely controlling my emotions. I tried to get closer. I justified by saying, I just want to be a better friend. I was stubborn in my "No-Dating Policy", but I wanted to get as close to "love" as I could. My only obstacle was time. I got to be a better friend, but not all that much better. The next year, she was gone. She went to Southridge.
This is where I'm not sure if I should leave the friend setting on. My Sophomore year. Time for a new crush. I kinda feel bad about this one because I almost could have gone farther.
juverna's going to freak, but the next one was Karen (last name removed for courtesy). We had so many classes together and we were already good friends. For some reason, I was intrigued by her. I made a big effort to be as good of a friend as I could. I was convinced that I could control myself this time and the cost of failing was my friendship, so I rigorously held every emotion under the microscope. I told myself that our friendship was too valuable to screw up with a little bit of infatuation. So instead I build up a one-sided super friendship. I suppose I over-valued the friendship (I still consider all my friendship incredibly valuable, but I kinda took it the extreme). I don't think she reacted all that well to it, as in her words she "was around me to much and needed a break". You may recognize that from my whole little journal on her (my second journal on LiveJournal).
So, coming into this year, I still had a bit of a crush on her, but it was great diminished by the first day of school. There's still a bit of feeling for her, but now I actually do just consider her a friend. I still want a better friendship, but I know that it needs to be mutual and I can't build it on my own. And
juverna, the crush is the reason I know so much about her. Anyway, now that I was "over" Karen, I managed to snag myself another one. Unfortunately, the current one. She has been the most difficult crush to handle in my life. She has changed a lot of what I know about myself. She also made me question a lot of what I hold on to in my ways.
[End of History]
For the first time since Kristy, I began to doubt whether or not the whole "No-Dating Policy" is worth it. I started to entertain in my mind the possibilities. If not for her, I wouldn't even have considered going to Prom. Yeah... Hannah (last name removed for courtesy). You were probably wondering how her name could so easily have pop up in my think about going to Prom. Well, that the reasoning behind that.
Now, let's see... how and when did all this come into play? Well, it wasn't until I joined men's ensemble that the conditions were set up. Since it didn't really start up until about 2nd quarter, we were informed about the performance at the Grotto. We (the guys) got together with the girls to rehearse. Hannah is in the girls' choir. She was one of the more active members, a sort of cheerleader for the guys (as bad as that sounds). She seemed kind, fun, and mature. I gained a respect for her, which grew into admiration, then infatuation. I was filled with a sense of wonderment, but I didn't really acknowledge it. I let the feelings drift in my head, but I thought nothing of them.
I suppose the real feelings emerged when she told me Steve (last name removed for courtesy) had asked her to the Winter Formal. At first, I was sort of indifferent, but not quite. And then, our class (Steve and I share Chemistry together) started to work on tie-dye. About halfway through the period I finally saw what he was writing on his shirt... none other than Hannah's name. It was the first time in years that I felt an overwhelming emotion in a single moment. It was the strongest, most impossible to deny feeling I can remember. All at once, my head was swimming with jealousy and broken-heartedness. In a burst of God's grace, I pulled myself aside and gathered my composer. I took deep breaths and sat back at my seat to work on my shirt. By this time, I had already come up with a really interesting way of binding (process in tie-dye) my shirt, so Steve asked to help him and show him how I did mine. Still swirling, I made a decision. I am praying it was the right one. I told myself that if I had an chance to redeem myself, I must be a friend first and all else second. In a subtle over-friendly way I helped with his shirt. Previously, I had told Omari that I would help him with video project his during 6th, but after I was finished with my shirt. So, I went off and helped him, all the while preoccupied by the blur of thoughts and emotions in my head.
Once again, I couldn't figure it out. I had the skills to identify it, but I thought I had grown beyond it. I didn't know what to do. This was the first time I had ever felt those emotions so strongly. Ironically, I managed to develop a twitch in the right side of my lips, when I try to smile at that moment.
juverna, you may have noticed by now. Yup... that's when it started.
Anyway, I managed to confirm that relationship between Steve and Hannah. But for some odd reason, I still thought that asking her to Prom would be a good idea... as a friend. Nope. She already has date to Prom (as mentioned in Prom date entry). Pretty sure it's Steve.
Well, I've been taking a lot of time to think about this. It's not easy for me to talk about things until I know that I have control over the issue. This would actually be the first time I let anyone every see one of my issues that is current. I'm not talking about the little issues, like I don't know who to take to Prom now or something like that. The only thing that's close is my entry on Karen, but it's not as big as this. With my entry on Karen, I held back. I basically needed to talk about a particular issue that I had already actually mulled over and had come to at least a temporary resolution about. With this issue, I have no resolution. I am stuck really deep in this one. This is actually fairly parallel to my issue with Kristy with slight differences.
One difference is that Hannah is my friend. Another is that she is somewhat of a decent person (there is starting to be some debate on this in my head, but it's just one stage). Aside from that, the same emotional conditions are present. I'm dealing with someone I have a crush on, who's with someone else, creating new emotional foundations, and all the while I'm struggling with my morals. I really don't want to leave this one to the end of the year. I'm tired of time taking care of my battles. I need to finish on my own.
The only problem with that is the sad fact that I can't win anything without God. I attribute every aspect of my life that I am proud of to Him. The conditions were set by Him and I know that I'm not going to get through it alone.
Now that we're up to date, I'm now working on a project in Mr. Scott's class with her and Jerod, so I'm spending a lot more time around her. It's really, really, really, painful for me. I am holding back so much that I am actually physically taking damage. The last two days, I been experiencing near-debilitating abdominal cramps in morning from the time I leave my house to get on the bus until around about 2nd or 3rd period. That's a whole 2 hours. Not to mention that fact that my appetite has been reduced to near nothing and my stomach has become incredibly weak. My allergies are off the scale (I'm surprised I haven't broken out in hives again). My emotional health is obviously not quite on the level it used to be.
What's really inspired me to write this is that she actually offered to give
fedupgirl and me a ride to Beaverton Transit Center today because it was raining and
fedupgirl complained about having to walk (I tried to diffuse it like I normally do by saying I had to walk too, which lead to the offer). Anyway, she dropped us off and I went and got my bus, went home, and continued to do my daily routine.
I share 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 7th (I'm the TA) with her now. I'm spending a lot of time with her. As I said before, it's painful and it's taking its toll. I'm starting to question everything short of my faith in God. I'm still wondering if my "No-Dating Policy" is right for me any more. I just don't know. It's amazing how easy it's becoming to say that. I don't know. What a thought.
Maybe I'm just too much of an idealist. I think of everything in an ideal state. Love, friendship, relationships... it's all glorified in my head. And loyalty. My strongest and most consistent virtue; loyalty. If nothing else can be said of me, then people will at least say I am loyal.
I'm completely loyal to whatever I believe in. And I believe in friendship, pure love, and God. To my friends I offer my loyalty and my protection (when needed). Maybe I don't say it verbally, but I always mean it. That's one the hardest things for me because it take so much to break my loyalty and I often wonder if I give it too easily. Hmm... I suppose that's another topic I'll get into later.
I don't know. If nothing else, pray to God that he gives me the strength and endurance to get through this. I will see this through.
-Kenny Keyn
P.S.- If anyone is worried that I may try something stupid (I mean this in the serious way), please understand that I would never consider suicide or drugs or anything like that as an option. I don't care how low I go, those possibilities don't exist for me. They are not answers to my problems, so I will not consider them such. This is one thing that I will hold very firm in my life. They will never find a place in my life. I will let God hold the keys to my life, not myself.