Old Journal 57
Today is Tuesday, January 29, 2002. I’m now 17 and I still don’t quite feel it. I’m going to cut right to chase. I am having difficulty with my feelings for Hannah. I have been trying very hard to control my emotions concerning her, but it’s becoming much more of a hassle. I don’t know what to do. Recently, I’ve been juggling the idea of out-right telling her that I have a crush on her, but to do so would seriously jeopardize our relationship as it is and it would have the possible effect of jeopardizing Hannah’s relationship with Steve. Being the person that I am, I would rather allow myself to suffer than someone else in my place. If it means allowing Steve and Hannah to grow as a couple, then I will deny myself resolution. I’m so worried that they’ll get hurt, though. I may not like Steve all too much, but I do consider him a friend. As my friend, he is entitled to my loyalty. It doesn’t matter what the issue is, I have the responsibility to respect him as an individual and protect him. It may sound weird, but I guarantee protection to my friends as long as I have the power to do so. Hannah has that protection and so does Steve. As painful as it is to me, I want to see them succeed. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that neither of them gets hurt. Unfortunately, I can’t interfere with their relationship, even to try to protect them. That would do more harm than good. I would be breaking my own promise to be loyal to them. Maybe I’ll tell them that. I think that would be an idea worth exploring. I’m not just going to express my loyalty and protection crap right off the bat, but I’m going to think about it. I think that will help me get resolution. Turning the other cheek, so to speak. I suppose that’s the best I can do for now. I don’t know. Hopefully God will have giving me something by then. Oh, well. Anyway, I will be signing off now. Adios! Adieu!