stumbling into the belly of the beast
I set the phone down on the cradle, my heart felt so heavy. I missed her, like I never thought I would. Or at least I tried to pretend like I wouldn’t. But I did, I missed everyone
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I looked up.
"I knew it wasn't about power, I just couldn't figure out what it was about. I do know you, well ... I did and ..."
I'd gone on and on.
I was so close to the door I could have run out of there before he said anything. I was still fast.
"No, Buffy, wait."
I stopped. How could I not stop? This was Angel, it always came to Angel. Sometimes I hated it, but most of the time I just accepted it. I turned and looked at him but didn't move.
"It's alright. Stay."
I bit my lip and took a step forward.
"I just, I didn't mean to you know go there, it's not ... the time, so far from the time or the place. And I always do that? Take stuff and make it about me and I didn't want to do it with you, of all people I didn't want to be that girl anymore."
I felt my insides threaten to tremble, but I held firm.
"Things are just so.. complicated. Except for a couple years in my entire life... Everything had been complicated and confusing."
I wondered what years he was walking about but I didn't ask. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. He caught my eyes with his.
"I know. I think complicated is an understatement. And I didn't mean to make it worse. I wasn't even going to come here ... I wanted to, I thought about it a million times. I'm going to school, I live like a block away from here and I see this place all the time, and I wasn't going to come because I knew this would happen, that I'd be the same old Buffy, selfish insecure and ... I didn't want that, but then the guy with the suit and I don't know ... It's just hard to think clearly sometimes when I'm alone and my entire life is there for the mulling over and I see it all and know ..."
I took a breath, no I couldn't finish the thought, I wasn't sure I wanted to. I'd done enough damage already, this is exactly the nightmare I'd had. I'd come in here and blunder it up and instead of being here for him I was here making it worse for him.
"Connor.. he wasn't the first sacrifice that I've made.. But, you're right. I didn't know what else to do at the time. If I had made any of those decisions yo -- someone might have gotten hurt or killed. I couldn't let that happen."
He was going to say you ... That sent my brain on another whirlwind of thought that I couldn't decifer.
"I know. I really hate sacrifices, but you know that."
God I felt like my heart was breaking, all over again. And it wasn't even over what everyone would imagine it was, it was for him. For everything he had to sacrifice. Weither or not the lack of those sacrifices would have led him to me or not? I didn't care. I wanted him to not have to make them, ever, I wanted him to be free and ... Happy, whoever he was or was with in that case I didn't care. I just wanted it.
"And..I understand what you mean."
I looked at him.
"I know you do. Maybe I should go you know? Maybe it's ..." I couldn't say better. I wouldn't be better, but I left it hanging there.
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Still standing in the middle of the office, I nodded. "No,.. it's alright. You're not that girl. I guess it does have a bunch of the same similarities."
I hadn't exactly thought about the connection between the two choices I'd made, but it wasn't like I didn't think about it. Since she'd been here I'd thought about it more than once. I questioned whether it was the right decision for me to have come to L.A. Sure, I'd done plenty of good things since I'd been here, but look at the position I was in right now? Cordelia was in a coma, my son didn't remember who I was, and I was running a multimillion, multidimension evil law firm.
"I know. I think complicated is an understatement. And I didn't mean to make it worse. I wasn't even going to come here ... I wanted to, I thought about it a million times. I'm going to school, I live like a block away from here and I see this place all the time, and I wasn't going to come because I knew this would happen, that I'd be the same old Buffy, selfish insecure and ... I didn't want that, but then the guy with the suit and I don't know ... It's just hard to think clearly sometimes when I'm alone and my entire life is there for the mulling over and I see it all and know ..."
I listened to her when she talked about how she'd struggled with actually coming here, but had been here for a while. I almost wanted to get upset with her for not coming sooner, but I understood why she didn't.
She hadn't been making it worse by bringing this up.. there wasn't much that could make me feel worse about any of this. I'd been thinking too much about Connor lately and it was probably a good thing that her coming here and us talking distracted me from that.
I looked over at her when her voice faded out. She didn't finish her thought, but I had a feeling of what she was thinking. There was a time that I could finish the thought with the same words, but now? Now, I wasn't sure what I wanted.
"I know it probably wasn't the easiest thing for you.. to come here. Honestly, I hated coming down here some days in the beginning. But it's gotten better. Sometimes it's hard to see, but we do still do good here. It's not all what I'd exactly like to be doing, but we still do beat the bad guy instead of helping him for a lot of the time."
Was I trying to convince myself at all this? Sighing, I took a single step towards her. "And I understand that too. I think I have plenty of time to sit around and think about things.. a lot of things."
"I know. I really hate sacrifices, but you know that."
Looking at her again, I nodded. "I don't think anyone likes them. Especially the harder ones like we've had to make."
"I know you do. Maybe I should go you know? Maybe it's ..."
"No, you don't have to. I'm glad you came. It's nice to have someone know.. about Connor. There was no way that I could tell Wes, Fred, Gunn, or Lorne, but.. it's nice to have someone I trust know."
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His words didn't really make me believe that. But the fact that he said it, helped a little. I was just so confused, and I couldn't think straight.
"I know it probably wasn't the easiest thing for you.. to come here. Honestly, I hated coming down here some days in the beginning. But it's gotten better. Sometimes it's hard to see, but we do still do good here. It's not all what I'd exactly like to be doing, but we still do beat the bad guy instead of helping him for a lot of the time."
I nodded, knowing he wouldn't just be sitting around running this place without at least trying to change it.
"I guess it's like being in the belly of the beast huh? I wanted to come though, I've missed you, I always missed you but knowing you were just around the corner. I just was scared I guess."
"And I understand that too. I think I have plenty of time to sit around and think about things.. a lot of things."
Time sucked, and I bet it was worse when there was no end in site, like there was for him. Time just prolonged things and gave you false hope.
"I can imagine."
I bit my lip nervously.
"I don't think anyone likes them. Especially the harder ones like we've had to make."
I shook my head in agreement.
"I'd go out on a limb and say they suck beyond measure huh?"
I was turning to leave when he spoke.
"No, you don't have to. I'm glad you came. It's nice to have someone know.. about Connor. There was no way that I could tell Wes, Fred, Gunn, or Lorne, but.. it's nice to have someone I trust know."
I saw in his eyes he was being sincere. And I was thrilled to know he still trusted me, because evil inc and all? I trusted him. There had been a time when I said I wasn't sure, back when he was helping Faith, but I had. That's why I'd gotten so angry, because I knew he was right, I wanted to be irrational and let my emotions dictate what happened to Faith but I'd been wrong.
"I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me. It means a lot."
I stood there.
"So I really have no idea what that guy wanted to see me for, and honestly I could care less, but you know If you need my help with anything, I mean if you want it, I could you know, help you survive the beastie's belly. I kinda realized that the normal life I wanted for so long, isn't really what I want. Slaying is a part of me and without it I don't feel like me, so screw normal."
I gave him a small smile.
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I nodded. She could say that again. And with the missing? A part of me always missed her, too. No matter who I've been with or loved since her, she always seemed to make me nervous whenever I was around her. It was that don't make an ass of yourself type of nervousness.
"Something like that, I guess. I've missed you too, Buffy." I smiled just a bit. "But you know that. And I get the being scared. I've felt like that before. When I came to Sunnydale the last time? Yeah, you could say I was a little nervous to see you again."
"I can imagine."
She probably could. She'd made so many decisions like I had because she knew that's what she had to do. She'd sacrificed herself for her sister, we'd both parted ways because it was for the best, and then there was that one time where she had to kill me for what my not so better half had done. Yeah, I'd say that she could imagine.
"I'd go out on a limb and say they suck beyond measure huh?"
I shrugged a bit. "Maybe just a little."
"I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me. It means a lot."
Nodding, I just looked at her. There probably was a time that I wouldn't have been able to tell her. But now, after all that's happened, I knew she would at least understand. She probably wouldn't ever be completely okay with it all, but she did seem to understand.
"So I really have no idea what that guy wanted to see me for, and honestly I could care less, but you know If you need my help with anything, I mean if you want it, I could you know, help you survive the beastie's belly. I kinda realized that the normal life I wanted for so long, isn't really what I want. Slaying is a part of me and without it I don't feel like me, so screw normal."
"He was probably one of our lawyers who doesn't know how things work around here now." Hey, maybe I'd find out who it was and have him fired. I hadn't really done much of that since I'd been here. I felt myself smile a bit. It would be nice to have her help around here.
"I'm sure I could always use your help. And normal? I don't think either of us will ever have one of those."
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I nodded remembering it. Him offering to wear the amulet and be there fighting along side me. Instead I gave it to Spike, I wondered if he knew the reasons I didn't want him there? I wasn't going to ask, that was another can of worms.
"It probably didn't help that I attacked you with the smoochies huh? Or maybe that did help." I laughed a little.
"Maybe just a little."
A little? Come on.
"He was probably one of our lawyers who doesn't know how things work around here now."
I laughed. "Well you should fire him. Cause he totally barged in on my slayage, was extremely rude."
I gave him a smile. I was so relieved that he was the same old Angel. Even with the pressure of this place bearing down on his shoulders he was still just Angel. I wondered if anyone else could see how miserable he was, I hoped his friends did. I hoped they weren't distracted with shiny new things.
"I'm sure I could always use your help. And normal? I don't think either of us will ever have one of those."
"Good, cause I want to help."
I paused for a moment, looking at him. Wasn't that what he left me for? The possibility of me having a normal life? God I was confused and it was him that was doing it, just being near him.
"What's so great about normal anyway?"
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Staring at her for a second, I looked down and laughed a bit. "I'd say it helped more than anything else." Looking back at her, I smiled.
"Helped to ease the tension, I'd say. Plus, there was that whole you splitting preacher boy in two that I got to see. Have to say I've missed seeing that. Well, not necesarily you splitting people in two.. just the fighting in general."
"Well you should fire him. Cause he totally barged in on my slayage, was extremely rude."
Shrugging, I crossed my arms over my chest. "He walked in on you slaying? I'd say he's gotta go then."
I smiled and sighed a bit. This was a lot nicer than how things began when she first walked in the office. It was never that much fun to have the blame for taking over an evil law firm just for the power. There were reasons - reason I couldn't talk to anyone about. Well, that was different now I guess.
"Good, cause I want to help."
I nodded. It would be good to have her around. "Glad to hear it. Maybe you could help us out on a few cases every now and then - unoffically of course. Otherwise, you'd have to sign one of their contracts and.. well, there's no need in that."
No, I wouldn't have Buffy coming near a Wolfram and Hart contract.
"What's so great about normal anyway?"
Sighing, I shrugged and uncrossed my arms. "Wouldn't really know I guess. It's been so long since I had one of those. Besides, I've heard they're kind of boring."
I smiled, but then got to thinking.. again. Normal was something I'd always wanted for her. Or at least for her to have something normal in her life that resemebled a relationship. Though from what I've heard, she hadn't really had one of those since I'd left either. There was comando boy and then.. well, Spike. Spike? That was something I'd never fully understand. And there was the fact he had a soul now. He just had to go out and get him one of those.
It was now that I realized no matter how hard either of us tried, we'd never have much of anything normal in our lives.
"There's really not ever going to be a normal for either of us is there?" I laughed just a little. "Well, maybe that is normal for people like us."
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I smiled. Wondering if I should bring up that the smoochies had plauged me since that day.
"But you have to admit, splitting Caleb in two was so cool. He was annoying, not to mention he almost killed me twice and put his thumb through Xander's eye."
I couldn't help but grin. I wished I still had the scythe, but Giles had it stored safely.
"He walked in on you slaying? I'd say he's gotta go then."
I laughed even though he looked a bit serious. Who was I to keep serious serious anyway?
"Glad to hear it. Maybe you could help us out on a few cases every now and then - unoffically of course. Otherwise, you'd have to sign one of their contracts and.. well, there's no need in that."
I frowned for a moment, feeling slightly gilted. Then I realized by the look in his eyes he'd signed a contract. Which meant they weren't good, which meant ...
"What did they make you sign? Angel, Did you have to give something up?"
I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but I needed to know despite the fact that it wasn't my business.
"Wouldn't really know I guess. It's been so long since I had one of those. Besides, I've heard they're kind of boring."
"I remember normal, normal had me a cheerleader, shallow and kind of empty in the head. I think I'm better off being a circus freak. Besides, I've finally figured out that normal I always wanted? Not really what I wanted, if my life had been normal I wouldn't have met you, and that's not a life I'd want."
I meant to add Giles, Willow, Xander and Dawn in that equation but yeah, I'm weirdly buffy that way.
"There's really not ever going to be a normal for either of us is there? Well, maybe that is normal for people like us."
I smiled.
"Exactly. I'm never going to just stop being a slayer, my kid sister will always be a mystical ball of energy. My best friend will always be a witch. If normal took that away I'd stake it, cause it's bad."
I grinned slightly. I almost said the love of my life would always be a vampire but somehow I hoped that wouldn't be the case. It was a fleeting fantasy but one I had anyway.
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I grinned. "Yeah, can't say that I didn't enjoy watching you two fight - well, of course the splitting him in half was the highlight of the fight."
I raised a brow at the fact that he stuck his thumb through Xander's eye. That had to hurt.
"What did they make you sign? Angel, Did you have to give something up?"
When she questioned me, I was caught off guard at first. I don't know exactly why reason why though because I did start give her an idea of what I'd done. I sighed and glanced away from her for a moment.
Hesitating, I wasn't sure if telling her I'd literally sold my soul was such a good idea. Not that I could go back and do it again, but if I could I'd do it just the same to keep Connor safe. It was the only thing that I could do for him at the time and the look that he had on his face when I saw him.. there wasn't anything I couldn've wanted more for him. There was plenty I would have wanted for me, but with that all happened, I knew what I wanted would never be.
There was one thing that I might change if I could do it all over again. I'd come to Wolfram and Hart alone and do my best to leave everyone else out of it. This wasn't their choice - it was mine.
I looked back at her. "Wolfram and Hart.." I paused, trying to figure out exactly how to say this.
"The firm has the same contract for all their employees to sign. It's mostly all just the same as any other contract, but there is this one line in there about.. well, how one's soul is bound to the firm for.. well, ever."
I stopped at that and just turned to look at her again. I wasn't exactly expecting a congratulations on the greatest decision ever made.
"I remember normal, normal had me a cheerleader, shallow and kind of empty in the head. I think I'm better off being a circus freak. Besides, I've finally figured out that normal I always wanted? Not really what I wanted, if my life had been normal I wouldn't have met you, and that's not a life I'd want."
I smiled a bit as she spoke. I remembered seeing her that one day so long ago back in L.A. for the first time. She was so innocent and had no idea about what a slayer did or that anything she'd come in contact with over the past seven years even existed.
"Normal.. yeah, the last of what I remember of my normal life was getting thrown out of taverns night after night and my father yelling at me in the mornings because I had no direction in my life."
I shrugged and looked at her. "I'd say that normal isn't something we'll ever have. And.. you're right. I don't think I really want one of those anymore. Well, it's not what I want for me anyway."
Normal was what I'd done my best to give Connor.
"Exactly. I'm never going to just stop being a slayer, my kid sister will always be a mystical ball of energy. My best friend will always be a witch. If normal took that away I'd stake it, cause it's bad."
I laughed a bit and let out a relaxing sigh. "As for me, I'm pretty sure the vampire thing doesn't have a cure."
Stopping at that, I thought back to when Wes first uncovered what he'd found in the Shanshu prophecy. At the time I'd let it go a little bit to my head, but now I wasn't even sure if I still believed it.
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I nodded with a grin.
"It was like I don't know, just all kinds of power and I wish I could kill all demony things like that. It's so underrated."
As if I could have this conversation with anyone else on the planet without getting looked at like a pyscho?
I could tell he was thinking, his thinking face was very similar to his brooding face.
"Wolfram and Hart. The firm has the same contract for all their employees to sign. It's mostly all just the same as any other contract, but there is this one line in there about.. well, how one's soul is bound to the firm for.. well, ever."
I looked at him, seriously not believing what I was hearing. He'd well I mean sold his soul? The soul that ... he ... Ok deep breaths. Don't freak out, he did it for his son.
"Oh Angel. I ... I don't think I'm sorry is the right thing to say."
I wasn't going to lecture him, that's so far from what he needed.
"Normal.. yeah, the last of what I remember of my normal life was getting thrown out of taverns night after night and my father yelling at me in the mornings because I had no direction in my life."
I bit my lip. Sometimes I wondered what he'd been like before he was turned but really I didn't want to know. It didn't change anything, but who he was that long ago wasn't who he is now.
"I'd say that normal isn't something we'll ever have. And.. you're right. I don't think I really want one of those anymore. Well, it's not what I want for me anyway."
I knew what he was saying or well I thought I did.
"But for your son ..."
I sighed. I wanted to go and find a way to make things ok. Tear up the stupid contract, find his son and make everything ok. But I couldn't, and I knew that nothing made everything ok. Things made it bareable, but not really ok.
"As for me, I'm pretty sure the vampire thing doesn't have a cure."
I raised an eyebrow. He sounded, strange when he said that.
"I don't know. I've been brought back from the dead, twice. Seen all kinds of things, you've come back from hell and travelled to other demensions. I think it's safe to assume there's a way to turn a vampire human. A stupid holy grail thing or a prophecy or something equally as mundane. Don't ... you know, completely loose hope or they've won. And I know you are so not ready for them to win."
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I grinned. That was something I could identify with.
"Underrated. There's a lot of good things that people don't realize about killing demons. I'd say it's good for your health."
The conversation was a bit different than any I'd had in a long time. And it was nice.
"Oh Angel. I ... I don't think I'm sorry is the right thing to say."
Sighing, I glanced down to the floor. I didn't need or want her sympathy, but I realized that's not what she meant by saying she was sorry.
From the initial look on her face I was expecting to get a lecture on 'what were you thinking.' It wouldn't have been the first and I'm guessing probably not the last.
But it didn't come. She didn't lecture and her face seemed to soften as she took in yet another shock that I'd just laid out there. This had been a bit of a heavy conversation.
"It's-..I know how it sounds. But, with my other options.." I looked at her and stopped. There really wasn't much else that I could say to make this better or go away. I couldn't undo it even if I wanted to. Even if I took back what I did for Connor - it was done. For once I decided to shut my mouth and keep my mind out of the brooding.
"But for your son ..."
I simply nodded and looked away from her. In a way I felt guilty about taking the job and dragging everyone else in with me. At the time, the only thing I cared about was Connor and helping him. Well, there was keeping him from killing Cordelia too, I guess. But what it all boiled down to was my own selfishness. I wanted to right the wrongs I'd made with my son and then I wanted to keep the woman I loved alive.
Well, the anti-brooding thought didn't last as long as I wanted it to, did it?
"I don't know. I've been brought back from the dead, twice. Seen all kinds of things, you've come back from hell and travelled to other demensions. I think it's safe to assume there's a way to turn a vampire human. A stupid holy grail thing or a prophecy or something equally as mundane. Don't ... you know, completely loose hope or they've won. And I know you are so not ready for them to win."
I listened to her talk and almost had a bit of hope that the Shanshu might be true. That was one thing I don't think she should know about. We already had enough to deal with right now.
Sighing, I just shrugged. "Yeah, I guess you can never really know."
The giving up hope was something I'd come real close to doing there for a while. But now, things had gotten a little better after seeing that there was somethings we could do here. Buffy was here now too. It was a little strange with her being the one I was saying all this too, but on the other hand she was the perfect person.
Even though she didn't know everything and we hadn't been around each other nearly as much as we used to - there was still that part of me that knew she understood the decision I'd made.
"Hope. Can't say that's something I had a lot of there for a while. Things are better though. And there's no way I'm ready to hand myself over to them yet. Not hardly."
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I smiled.
"Totally. I mean despite those two times, It completely kept me alive. Plus it's good for the soul."
I smiled again. It was really only he and maybe two other people in the world really got. Faith and Spike. There were other slayers, but they didn't know it like us.
"It's-..I know how it sounds. But, with my other options.."
I nodded.
"No, I know that. No judgement, I mean this is me, destructo gal. I can't even begin to tell you what's the right thing, you did what you had to. I would have done it for Dawn. I know she's just my sister and it's not the same but.."
As always I could see the wheels in his head turning. I never knew if that was good or not. He seemed so ... haunted. And it wasn't like he didn't have that since I knew him, but now it was different somehow. Honestly my heart broke for him.
"Yeah, I guess you can never really know."
There was something else he wasn't telling me, but I decided not to push it. I'd pushed him enough since I'd been here, and I thought, maybe I should leave him for now. But I didn't want to. It was selfish but I was alone now, very alone and it's not as if I was going to find Wesley to reminese with.
"Hope. Can't say that's something I had a lot of there for a while. Things are better though. And there's no way I'm ready to hand myself over to them yet. Not hardly."
I nodded.
"I know what you mean, about the not having it. I mean you saw me just after Willow brought me back and I know you knew, the whole hanging on by a thread thing."
I bit my lip. That had been intense, I'd never talked about it with anyone. It was something reserved for us, just us.
"But we come back don't we. There's always something worth not giving up for."
I gave him a small smile.
"Besides what fun is giving in?"
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I smiled. Had to say that I agreed with that.
"The soul. I'd have to agree with you on that one. It's not something everyone can understand either. Not like us."
"No, I know that. No judgement, I mean this is me, destructo gal. I can't even begin to tell you what's the right thing, you did what you had to. I would have done it for Dawn. I know she's just my sister and it's not the same but.."
Nodding, I knew she understood. Well, as much as anyone could that is. The thing was she had done it before. She'd given up everything to save her sister. She had made a bigger sacrifice than I had when I took over Wolfram and Hart. The only difference was that she didn't have to live with her decision every day except until she came back - which was another thing entirely.
"I know what you mean, about the not having it. I mean you saw me just after Willow brought me back and I know you knew, the whole hanging on by a thread thing."
Again, she knew a little something about how I was feeling and had felt. We were so different, but the things we'd gone through were so much the same. I guess that's just the life of a champion.
I nodded. "Being brought back.. it's not exactly the easiest thing to deal with. Nothing like that is ever easy."
I wondered how she dealt with it all after I left Sunnydale again. The next time I saw her was not too long ago when I brought her the amulet Wolfram and Hart gave me.
"But we come back don't we. There's always something worth not giving up for."
I smiled and looked at her. Maybe sometime soon I'd find that 'something' she was talking about. For the longest time that something was Connor, but I'd fought for him and gave him normal.
"Besides what fun is giving in?"
Grinning a bit, I shook my head.
"Kinda the opposite actually, huh? They may think they can control me, but they've got another thing coming."
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I shook my head.
"No, they can't. I mean Faith gets it, but even so it's not like how you know."
I gave him a weak smile.
I watched him, he was pondering things, it was how he was. It was broody-ness only slightly different.
"Being brought back.. it's not exactly the easiest thing to deal with. Nothing like that is ever easy."
I nodded.
"Yeah. And I dealt with it in the worst way, you know like ever."
I bit my lip.
"Kinda the opposite actually, huh? They may think they can control me, but they've got another thing coming."
I smiled.
"That's the Angel I know and love."
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I nodded. Faith was someone who might have an idea of understanding it all, but it was different for her. She and I had more of the redemption angle, but then again, Buffy and I had the choices to deal with and.. well, I guess it was different for everyone.
"Yeah. And I dealt with it in the worst way, you know like ever."
I watched her. I didn't know a lot of what went on after she was brought back, but I'm guessing it wasn't the happiest of times. It wasn't the same, but I thought about the time in my life a few years ago when I felt absolutely nothing inside.
Darla and Drusilla were around L.A. killing anyone they could - Wolfram and Hart employees to name a few. That night with Darla.. I'd felt so empty and at the same time full of despair. It had taken that much despair to get be back on the track.
I nodded again and glanced towards the floor. Ultimately, that one night with Darla was the reason I was standing here in this office. It's scary how so many different little things.. and some big can determine where you'll be years down the road.
"That's the Angel I know and love."
My thoughts stopped and I looked at her. I smiled and thought about it for a minute. It was just one of those statments, right? - just an expression. I wasn't exactly sure how to react to it, so I just smiled.
"Yeah, well, that Angel is just trying to figure out exactly how to run this machine without getting too caught up in it all. Everyone here.. Wes, Fred, Gunn, Lorne.. they're all working on the same thing."
I sighed.
"Who actually, I haven't really seen much of since getting here. Guess we've all been.. busy."
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I nodded and looked at him, not just at what he was trying to say but what he was feeling and I was sad for him.
"You'll figure it out Angel. I know you will; sometimes it takes other people's trust and faith to make you realize that you really can do it, even if you've been looking for answers somewhere else you just can finally say ok. They trust me so I need to trust myself."
There was no one better for figureing out how to balance all this than him. I knew that, but did he?
"Who actually, I haven't really seen much of since getting here. Guess we've all been.. busy."
I bit my lip, I knew ... well I knew Wesley. I'd heard some little things from Willow about the others, she liked Fred and thought Gunn was a big teddy bear behind a tough exterior. It didn't surprise me that he and Angel were friends. But my knowledge of Wesley was the knowledge of a completely different man than the one who existed here.
"So change it, do something to make sure they know your there for them, I mean if you would feel better knowing they are alright or at least dealing its pretty safe to assume that they feel the same way."
I gave him a small smile.
"Besides, take it from someone who knows what its like to not have you around, it's much better when you are."
I hoped he didn't take that as me being ... I don't know rude or something or trying to make him feel bad about leaving me those years ago; I hoped he took it for what it was, the truth. He was silent comfort. I mean just knowing he was in L.A. was part of what got me by when he wasn't with me. He was close and he was alright and I could handle that.
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