stumbling into the belly of the beast

[superhero_grrl]

I set the phone down on the cradle, my heart felt so heavy. I missed her, like I never thought I would. Or at least I tried to pretend like I wouldn’t. But I did, I missed everyone

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[mr_angel]

As I said her name, she turned around and looked at me. It was one of those looks that I wasn't sure what it exactly meant. I guess that by her being here she knew that we'd taken over the firm.. wonder what she thought about that exactly.

"So I must have beheaded one of your clients cause this superbly dressed man came up to me and gave me a card with this place and a time on it."

Hearing that almost made me want to yell 'go team', but I decided that it wasn't exactly the right time for that. Then again when exactly would it be the right time for me to yell out anything like that? I could care less about some of the 'clients' that represent here and if I could get away with killing half of them? - no problem in my book.

Her smile didn't exactly seem genuine, but I guess that was understandable. The former 'let's help the helpless' was now.. 'let's help the.. soulless'?

"Uh, surprise?"

I raised a brow and took a couple steps over towards her. I tried a smile to see if it would help the situation any and looked at her. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"A client, huh? Well, unless it happened to be a horned, green demon wearing a snazzy suit.." Did I just say snazzy? Guess so. "Then I really don't have a problem with it."

Smiling just a little, I shrugged and glanced to the floor before looking again at her. My concentration was distracted when I watched a horned and.. two-headed? demon walk past us in a suit.

Maybe this was a 'meeting' that we should have in private - as in away from any more 'distractions'.

"You wanna come into my, uh.. office?"

[superhero_grrl]

"A client, huh? Well, unless it happened to be a horned, green demon wearing a snazzy suit. Then I really don't have a problem with it."

Snazzy? Man I was uber confused, not like he didn't confuse me back when we were actually together let alone now when the last time I saw him I kinda attacked him with the smoochies then split a preacher in two.

Of course if I'd seen him in any other capacity that evil inc it's quite possible I'd have jumped him again, because seeing Angel always made me loose all capacity for thought.

I watched him. He was definately looking like he wanted to jump out of his own skin. Then a aptly horned demon walked passed us and I just wanted to burst out laughing, this situation was so far beyond halarious.

"You wanna come into my, uh.. office?"

I nodded and he led the way into a very lavishly decorated office. I was impressed, it was very ... Angely, with the nice art and simplicity. I had to say it made me feel loads more comfortable than the lobby of this place.

He closed the door behind him and walked closer to me.

"So not to ruin the moment because I'm actually glad to see you and wish I'd come sooner, you know that whole missage thing? Yeah. But what on earth were you thinking? This place is like evil central and you, as I can tell by looking in your eyes, have not randomly become evil again. So whats the sitch?"

I stood there looking at him, just searching his eyes for some kind of explination.

[mr_angel]

"So not to ruin the moment because I'm actually glad to see you and wish I'd come sooner, you know that whole missage thing? Yeah. But what on earth were you thinking? This place is like evil central and you, as I can tell by looking in your eyes, have not randomly become evil again. So whats the sitch?"

When she first started to speak, I felt a smile start to come across my face. She missed me? There's one point for Angel. And no points for..Oh. Guess that was as long as that moment was gonna last. The smile faded from my face and turned expressionless.

Some might call it my.. brood face.

I sighed and motioned towards the chairs that were in front of my desk. I walked back, leaning on the desk and looked at her.

How was I supposed to explain this to her? Yes, I had to save my son from killing himself and the woman I l-.. from killing Cordy. She didn't even know anything about Connor to begin with.. and that might take a while. Plus, I didn't know if I should tell her about him at all. No one else remembered him now - that was the deal.

Some deal.

Sighing, I crossed my arms and looked at her. "No, I'm not evil.. and I made a choice. It wasn't the easiest.. but, it's what I felt I had to do."

Knowing that wouldn't cut it with her, I just waited for the accusations of making a deal with the devil. It wouldn't be the first time.

[superhero_grrl]

He seemed to be debating what he was going to tell me, and not in that how do I put it way, or well not in only that how do I put it way. It was filled with the oh yeah she doesn't know this and I'm not going to tell her way.

I had to admit it stung me from the inside out. All the way down to my toes and everything. I had to chide myself inside, reminding myself I had no claim to Angel, even though ... God stop it Buffy ...

"No, I'm not evil.. and I made a choice. It wasn't the easiest.. but, it's what I felt I had to do."

I was about to open my mouth and spew all kinds of things about evil inc, but I caught his eye, and I saw something in his eyes. Something too familiar for me to even fathom it. And I could tell he was expecting it from me.

"I get that."

He looked surprised.

"I remember when I was fighting Angelus and this light went through him and he fell to the ground, he looked up at me and it was you. And the portal was opening behind you ready to suck the world into hell. I would have happily let it swallow me whole so I didn't have to ... But I knew the world ... I made a choice and when I was standing on the ledge of Glory's tower and Dawn was telling me she had to jump ... I knew I couldn't let her, but I knew I couldn't just let the portal open. And I made a choice. I jumped."

I took a deep breath and looked at him.

"So I get it. But I know you Angel. Despite everything I know you and I know there's something in your head that you don't want to tell me or maybe you don't think I'll believe you and that's ok. You don't have to tell me anything ..."

I looked down at my hands, balled up in my lap, then laughed lightly and looked up.

"Though, I'm incrediably wigged by this entire place."

[mr_angel]

"I get that."

I looked over at her, surprised. She understood?

"I remember when I was fighting Angelus and this light went through him and he fell to the ground, he looked up at me and it was you. And the portal was opening behind you ready to suck the world into hell. I would have happily let it swallow me whole so I didn't have to ... But I knew the world ... I made a choice and when I was standing on the ledge of Glory's tower and Dawn was telling me she had to jump ... I knew I couldn't let her, but I knew I couldn't just let the portal open. And I made a choice. I jumped."

I sighed, remembering that day. My memories from that day are so blurry. I remembered the fight we'd had.. and then it stopping. What I remember after that is pain and lots of it for so long. She was right though. All the decisions she'd made were so much like the one I had made. I felt that if I told her.. she'd understand and wouldn't think I screwed everything up.

I couldn't say anything yet. There was too much going on in my head. Whether or not I should say anything to her or just keep it to myself. It would have been one thing if she had known about Connor, but I hadn't even told her that I had a son. That's how long it had been since I'd had a good talk with her. Well, besides the one about her and Spike back in Sunnydale.

"So I get it. But I know you Angel. Despite everything I know you and I know there's something in your head that you don't want to tell me or maybe you don't think I'll believe you and that's ok. You don't have to tell me anything ...

My eyes looked to the floor as she spoke. She knew there was something bothering me, and that something wasn't some small thing. I wanted to tell her, but would she even believe me? It wasn't like she would have been able to ask anyone else if this was all true. No one remembers Connor. No one except me.

"Though, I'm incrediably wigged by this entire place."

I smiled a bit and looked at her again. "You're not the only one. I still can't believe I'm actually here and not on a mission to destory the place like before."

Sighing, I looked down at the floor. She of all people deserved to know why I was really here, and that this hadn't been my first choice.

"I-.. I did it for.. my son, Buffy." I looked at her again, forcing myself to look at her in the eye. "I have a son."

Connor.

[superhero_grrl]

"You're not the only one. I still can't believe I'm actually here and not on a mission to destory the place like before."

I nodded, furrowing my eyebrow. So what made him choose this? I knew it had to be something huge, he was the most honest, noblest person I know. There was no way it was a thoughtless decision, or one he took lightly.

"I-.. I did it for.. my son, Buffy."

I think my heart stopped. For a minute I couldn't breathe, I just stared at him. I knew he wasn't lying to me, or playing some cruel joke.

"Son?" I gulped.

"How? I mean, who did you ... Why ... How?"

He had a son? Angel had a son, a child, which meant he'd ... And as far as I knew it wasn't mine, and maybe that's why it felt like my heart was being torn in two. I'd heard things, about Cordelia and was that? God, I was being selfish, here Angel was telling me something he was obviously holding to himself all this time and I was taking over the moment with my hurt? God.

He gave me a look.

"I believe you, I just ... need a bit more explaination. Not that you have to cause you don't, you can leave it at that and I can stay in the dark."

I was serious, a child that no one seemed to know about? Couldn't be a happy story and I didn't want to force him to do so.