stumbling into the belly of the beast

[superhero_grrl]

I set the phone down on the cradle, my heart felt so heavy. I missed her, like I never thought I would. Or at least I tried to pretend like I wouldn’t. But I did, I missed everyone

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[mr_angel]

"You'll figure it out Angel. I know you will; sometimes it takes other people's trust and faith to make you realize that you really can do it, even if you've been looking for answers somewhere else you just can finally say ok. They trust me so I need to trust myself."

Looking at her, I nodded. I didn't need or want anyone's sympathy, but the fact that she understood and wasn't giving me grief over this whole thing made me feel better about all this. It wasn't ever going to be easy exactly, but it would make it easier to live with.

"Trusting myself isn't exactly something I'd call my best quality. I doubt that trusing one's self is easy for anyone. But, I know that eventually things will get better. Not easy, because I wouldn't want that. If things around here ever start to get easy for me, well.. I give you permission to stake me."

I smiled a little.

"So change it, do something to make sure they know your there for them, I mean if you would feel better knowing they are alright or at least dealing its pretty safe to assume that they feel the same way."

I smiled again. She made it all sound so easy. Plus, she was probably right about everyone else feeling the same way. The only difference was that they didn't know the real reason they were here. In some ways, it was probably worse for them with the not knowing. For all I knew, they thought I had gotten power hungry and just wanted to take this place over.

"Sounds like a good idea. I just hope they don't all think I've lost my mind by taking over this place. I'm pretty sure there are a few doubts going around."

"Besides, take it from someone who knows what its like to not have you around, it's much better when you are."

Stopping, I looked at her. The thought made me feel.. well, comforted yet confused. I wasn't exactly sure how to take what she'd said. But for now, I'd take it in the best way I could think of. She liked having me around. Besides, she didn't seem upset at all, so it couldn't have been anything else, right?

"Thanks. I'll take that as you don't mind being around me every now and then."

I smiled. Looking at her, I wondered what where this would all lead. I wasn't exactly looking for anything right now - but when was I ever? Her being here..it was so unexpected and I wasn't sure what would come from it. Cordy was in a coma.. and I have no idea if I'd ever talk to her again.

Sighing, I nodded towards the door.

"You think I can get myself to walk out those doors and actually find someone? Can't say I've been Mr. Sociable with anyone lately. New and old employees included."

[superhero_grrl]

"Trusting myself isn't exactly something I'd call my best quality. I doubt that trusing one's self is easy for anyone. But, I know that eventually things will get better. Not easy, because I wouldn't want that. If things around here ever start to get easy for me, well.. I give you permission to stake me."

I didn't want permission to stake him, I mean I've pushed a sword through his chest before, I wasn't looking for another heartbreaking 'kill angel' scene.

"Well, sometimes you just gotta deal and move on you know? I think you'll get to a point where you're alright, not great because yeah badness for great or perfect right?"

I gave him a weak smile. God why did I even bother taking? I just jumbled everything up.

"Sounds like a good idea. I just hope they don't all think I've lost my mind by taking over this place. I'm pretty sure there are a few doubts going around."

I gave him a look, "Ok, so maybe they have some doubts, but didn't they all agree to this too? I mean it wasn't just you, you aren't forcing them to be here are you? They know you Angel and anyone who knows you knows there's a good reason for this. I mean I knew there had to be a reason, I didn't know what it was, but a good reason."

I took a step foreward and put my hand on his arm.

"Have some faith huh?"

"Thanks. I'll take that as you don't mind being around me every now and then."

I looked at him. It was more than that and he knew it, he may not realize it but he knew; if he didn't he was damn stupid. I smiled.

"I told you I missed you, wasn't just saying it to say it," I realized my hand was on his arm and I slowly pulled it away.

"So yeah, your not so bad to have around," I put my hands in my back pockets.

"You think I can get myself to walk out those doors and actually find someone? Can't say I've been Mr. Sociable with anyone lately. New and old employees included."

He could do anything he put his mind to and he knew that as well as I did. I think he just needed to be reminded.

"I think the first step is the hardest and you've done a lot of hard things in your life. What's one more?"

Hard things, like walking away, leaving, signing that contract.