You said "good-bye, Acy" that night. I never knew you meant forever. If I knew then what I know now, I would have seen, would have heard, and never would have let you be alone. This candle's for you, Jimmy. Maybe some day I'll stop blaming myself... but not this day, nor this night.

I know I'm in a very dangerous, unstable place right now. I approached the only person I could think of who could help me: Dan. Yes, I actually asked someone for help. This is a huge step for me, but I think it's the right one. We'll see what happens. All I know is that after talking with him this morning I felt lighter, as if a heavy load had ( Read more... )

On Tuesday I flew to Colorado to see Andy, with the help of Sage and Val and their friend with a plane. When I finally got there, I just went in, knelt down by his bed, and took his uninjured hand. And I felt him squeeze mine. The first response he'd shown since the accident to anything around him. Half an hour later he opened his eyes. He ( Read more... )

My heart is heavy. I've done a lot of thinking in the past week. I've questioned many of my decisions, both recent and past. Sometimes the weight of all the memories makes my head want to explode. Others, it is my heart. I've attempted to delve into the void of lost memories, but so many faces are gone. So many names, places, events. I ( Read more... )

We’ve entered into a new decade, which hardly seems possible. It’s rather hard to believe that the Y2K scare was already ten years ago, that it’s 2010, that I’m still, somehow, here, especially after this New Year’s Eve. The 2000s brought so many changes, and so much seems crammed into just those years. So, instead of a year-end post about 2009 ( Read more... )

Last night I went to choir, practiced the three solos I'm doing between now and Christmas, even stayed late to practice one of them, and then came home and reopened the cuts on my wrists from three weeks ago. Don't ask me why, I don't have an answer. Why am I stating this so frankly here? Don't ask me that, either, because I really don't know. ( Read more... )

Today my friend/co-worker walked into my cubicle, sat down on my desk, and said, "I need you to talk me down from a ledge."
And I said "Okay."
And we talked. Commiserated. Laughed. Felt better.
I reiterate, hugs help save lives.

(EDIT 21:12: just realised this: yes, the song was completely random)

Connie tried to kill herself today ( Read more... )

I've apparently reached the point where I'm not allowed to drink alone. Or, more aptly put, it's no longer safe for me to drink alone.
gorgeous eyes shine suicide
when will we be invisible?
*headinhands*
Back to square one. Always making progress, and then back to square one.
Always failing. Always failure.

Fuck you and your selfish bullshit ( Read more... )