It's gonna be okay... someday
My physical therapist "graduated" me on Tuesday, basically saying there's nothing more she can do for me right now, and that I can come back once I have my next steroid shot. I feel cheated. I'm still in so much pain, I still can't walk more than a couple blocks without excessive pain and weakness, there are still so many things I cannot do because of the pain. I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever going to end, or will I have to spend the rest of my life in constant pain? I keep wondering if God is listening to me anymore, and then He gives me little signs that He is, and while I don't feel much better, I at least feel a little comforted.
On Saturday I received the latest invoice from Park Nicollet, to the tune of some $1,350. I broke down crying, because that's essentially my entire Federal tax return, and I had planned on saving that money. I felt sick to my stomach about it, I was so proud that I had managed to get all the bills paid and would have enough for the mortgage without tapping into savings at all, and then to be hit with this. It was horrible. And what made it more horrible was that I was/am still in pain. All this money, and I'm still suffering each and every day, if no longer every hour. If they had fixed me with all this horsing around it would have been understandable, and I wouldn't have felt nearly so bad. But my journey with doctors isn't over yet, and I've yet to have another steroid shot, which alone costs some $1100 (thank God for insurance to cover at least some of it). That bill did a fair job of trying to ruin my Saturday, but after a good cry with Krys, and realising that sitting crying about it isn't going to help anything, I managed to buck up at least a little bit. Then on Sunday I went downtown to a concert with my parents. We had to walk about four blocks, and I was limping badly by the time we reached Orchestra Hall, and was obviously in excessive pain. I enjoyed the concert, the King's Singers, and then hobbled back to the parking ramp. How I made it I'm not even sure. Stubbornness more than anything, I think. But we got to talking about my back and the therapy and the doctors appointments and I mentioned the bill and how frustrated I was that I would have to spend my entire tax return on it. A bummer, but by that time I was resigned to it.
The next day my dad proved why he's the greatest dad in the entire world, and why I believe God listens to our prayers and answers them in His own way and time. Dad shows up on my doorstep while Krys and I were eating dinner and hands me a card saying, "I couldn't stand to see you limping around so bad yesterday." Inside was a card that made me cry, because it was so encouraging and reminded me of my grandmother, and a check for $2000 that made me cry even harder.
It's hard, but I keep forcing myself to not give up, and it's made easier with my wonderful family and my best friends and awesome co-workers, who help me more than I deserve. Sometimes you just have to get up and do, even if it hurts, even if it's hard.
And the crocuses and daffodils are blooming, the tulips and hyacinths and irises are coming up. Spring seems to be here, and I just want to go out and be able to enjoy it. Back pain or not, I went out and cleaned out the front gardens last Sunday evening, Krys helped me clean up the leaves, and I'm planning to do the other gardens this weekend, if it ever stops raining. I'm so glad to see the fruits of all my hard labour last fall, all those bulbs I planted, all those trees and bushes I dug out. It's pretty awesome.
I refuse to remain broken.
On Saturday I received the latest invoice from Park Nicollet, to the tune of some $1,350. I broke down crying, because that's essentially my entire Federal tax return, and I had planned on saving that money. I felt sick to my stomach about it, I was so proud that I had managed to get all the bills paid and would have enough for the mortgage without tapping into savings at all, and then to be hit with this. It was horrible. And what made it more horrible was that I was/am still in pain. All this money, and I'm still suffering each and every day, if no longer every hour. If they had fixed me with all this horsing around it would have been understandable, and I wouldn't have felt nearly so bad. But my journey with doctors isn't over yet, and I've yet to have another steroid shot, which alone costs some $1100 (thank God for insurance to cover at least some of it). That bill did a fair job of trying to ruin my Saturday, but after a good cry with Krys, and realising that sitting crying about it isn't going to help anything, I managed to buck up at least a little bit. Then on Sunday I went downtown to a concert with my parents. We had to walk about four blocks, and I was limping badly by the time we reached Orchestra Hall, and was obviously in excessive pain. I enjoyed the concert, the King's Singers, and then hobbled back to the parking ramp. How I made it I'm not even sure. Stubbornness more than anything, I think. But we got to talking about my back and the therapy and the doctors appointments and I mentioned the bill and how frustrated I was that I would have to spend my entire tax return on it. A bummer, but by that time I was resigned to it.
The next day my dad proved why he's the greatest dad in the entire world, and why I believe God listens to our prayers and answers them in His own way and time. Dad shows up on my doorstep while Krys and I were eating dinner and hands me a card saying, "I couldn't stand to see you limping around so bad yesterday." Inside was a card that made me cry, because it was so encouraging and reminded me of my grandmother, and a check for $2000 that made me cry even harder.
It's hard, but I keep forcing myself to not give up, and it's made easier with my wonderful family and my best friends and awesome co-workers, who help me more than I deserve. Sometimes you just have to get up and do, even if it hurts, even if it's hard.
And the crocuses and daffodils are blooming, the tulips and hyacinths and irises are coming up. Spring seems to be here, and I just want to go out and be able to enjoy it. Back pain or not, I went out and cleaned out the front gardens last Sunday evening, Krys helped me clean up the leaves, and I'm planning to do the other gardens this weekend, if it ever stops raining. I'm so glad to see the fruits of all my hard labour last fall, all those bulbs I planted, all those trees and bushes I dug out. It's pretty awesome.
I refuse to remain broken.