Now's the time...
My first post in ages and it's probably gonna be a long one. I need to get this off my chest and who knows, you guys may have your own opinions and advice for me about it. I don't mind if you don't read the whole thing but at least skim through it if you have the time please. I'm gonna talk about something I haven't really talked a lot about. In the last year, some of you may have noticed I've been acting a little differently and you will certainly have noticed I haven't been out much. A few of you already know why but I haven't really went in depth to any lengths about it.
I'm currently suffering from severe anxiety and although I don't really believe it myself, I'm also suffering from depression, which has stopped me from doing a LOT of things I like and want to do. The depression isn't too extreme...I'm just basically feeling down a lot of the time, but NO suicidal thoughts or anything like that. I find it quite difficult to leave the house a lot of the time due to it and it's got to the point where I've decided to start taking medication for it. As of this morning, I'm taking 40mg of Propranolol (beta-blocker) twice a day (I was taking it before but only when I thought I really needed it and to help me get out the house). What that does is block the physical symptoms. You might not remember but about a year ago I went to the doctor's for an ECG and all that, which was my first real scary panic attack and I found out through that, that I have an irregular heartbeat. The meds slow down and normalize my heart rate and also block out most of the physical symptoms that spark up my anxiety/panic attacks.
There are a lot of different factors that have caused this anxiety. Mainly my health concerns. Those who have seen me recently have noticed and don't mind pointing out that I've lost a lot of weight, which worries me a lot as I haven't really done much (at least I don't believe I have) to lose it all. I've dropped from 13 and a bit stone to 11 stone which is my ideal weight for my height, although I generally don't feel healthy and this seems to be doing some psychological damage. I notice the slightest change in my body and assume the worst...for example, I may suffer from a bout of heartburn and immediately believe I'm having a heart attack or something...I know it sounds daft but that's what it does to you. That's where the propranolol comes into play. I'm not sure of the science behind it exactly, but basically, it helps calm you down, which in turn usually takes your mind off of it all.
Another thing that's not been helping is stress. I've fallen way behind in college which isn't a massive deal right now, it can be fixed, but I've been finding it hard to concentrate on studying because I can hardly sit still for 5 minutes :P Also, with me finding it hard to leave the house on occassions, it's hard for me to actually get into college to catch up. Again, this can all be fixed so I'm just kinda making a big deal out of nothing.
Money is a HUGE issue for me. You all know I like a trip to the bookies every now and again. It used to be a big problem which I didn't really care about...it's just money and although we feel like we need it, especially those who spend, spend, spend on stuff we don't even need, we don't need it THAT bad. All I really need money for is my digs so the rest of it is fair game. I would spend about 200 quid a month on gambling, which might not seem like a lot to you folk with jobs, but I'm an unemployed student getting a LOAN of 350 quid every month. I have it under control now and only spend a tenner at weekends which isn't doesn't affect me much, I still have money at the end of the month which is good.
On the money thing, I said before I was getting a loan, which is another concern of mine. Obviously, it's a student loan. I'm quite worried about paying it back, especially as I'm still paying off my debt for the gambling problem. I shouldn't be that concerned about it but it's just something that lurks in my mind. I think probably because I found it so difficult to find a job before and it worries me that I won't make the money to pay it back. Of course, with the severity of my anxiety right now and with all my college shit to catch up on, I can't exactly go looking for a job so it makes it harder.
One of the big things that is affecting me, and I don't care if it sounds lame or "queer" or whatever, is my love life, or lack of. I've been "seeing" a few people over the last 2/3 years or so, but it never ever goes anywhere serious and it's my fault. After about a month or so, I wonder to myself, "why the fuck does this chick like me? What do I have to offer?" or "does she even like me, have I kinda forced my way into something that she doesn't even want?". I don't even have the balls to question it, I just walk away assuming they won't give a fuck anyway. It's hard for me because I've never really been in a serious relationship. Longest I've went with anyone was 7 months and even that wasn't completely serious. Apart from one or two, all the girls I've had a thing for, I've liked them a LOT (in a couple of cases, even believed to myself that I loved them, and maybe that's true, but I'm not entirely sure I know what love is). I just find it so hard to keep anything going and I just give up without trying, either assuming or convincing myself that she doesn't even like me anyway. It hurts because I know with most of them, we could have had a decent go and had something special. Maybe they wouldn't have been "the one" or anything, but you know, at least I would have tried. It sucks man.
Wow, that's a load off my mind. I don't really know where else to go from there. Any advice or anything would be cool I guess. I think I just need a friendly face to talk to. Sorry this is so long :P
Cheers guys and gals :)
I'm currently suffering from severe anxiety and although I don't really believe it myself, I'm also suffering from depression, which has stopped me from doing a LOT of things I like and want to do. The depression isn't too extreme...I'm just basically feeling down a lot of the time, but NO suicidal thoughts or anything like that. I find it quite difficult to leave the house a lot of the time due to it and it's got to the point where I've decided to start taking medication for it. As of this morning, I'm taking 40mg of Propranolol (beta-blocker) twice a day (I was taking it before but only when I thought I really needed it and to help me get out the house). What that does is block the physical symptoms. You might not remember but about a year ago I went to the doctor's for an ECG and all that, which was my first real scary panic attack and I found out through that, that I have an irregular heartbeat. The meds slow down and normalize my heart rate and also block out most of the physical symptoms that spark up my anxiety/panic attacks.
There are a lot of different factors that have caused this anxiety. Mainly my health concerns. Those who have seen me recently have noticed and don't mind pointing out that I've lost a lot of weight, which worries me a lot as I haven't really done much (at least I don't believe I have) to lose it all. I've dropped from 13 and a bit stone to 11 stone which is my ideal weight for my height, although I generally don't feel healthy and this seems to be doing some psychological damage. I notice the slightest change in my body and assume the worst...for example, I may suffer from a bout of heartburn and immediately believe I'm having a heart attack or something...I know it sounds daft but that's what it does to you. That's where the propranolol comes into play. I'm not sure of the science behind it exactly, but basically, it helps calm you down, which in turn usually takes your mind off of it all.
Another thing that's not been helping is stress. I've fallen way behind in college which isn't a massive deal right now, it can be fixed, but I've been finding it hard to concentrate on studying because I can hardly sit still for 5 minutes :P Also, with me finding it hard to leave the house on occassions, it's hard for me to actually get into college to catch up. Again, this can all be fixed so I'm just kinda making a big deal out of nothing.
Money is a HUGE issue for me. You all know I like a trip to the bookies every now and again. It used to be a big problem which I didn't really care about...it's just money and although we feel like we need it, especially those who spend, spend, spend on stuff we don't even need, we don't need it THAT bad. All I really need money for is my digs so the rest of it is fair game. I would spend about 200 quid a month on gambling, which might not seem like a lot to you folk with jobs, but I'm an unemployed student getting a LOAN of 350 quid every month. I have it under control now and only spend a tenner at weekends which isn't doesn't affect me much, I still have money at the end of the month which is good.
On the money thing, I said before I was getting a loan, which is another concern of mine. Obviously, it's a student loan. I'm quite worried about paying it back, especially as I'm still paying off my debt for the gambling problem. I shouldn't be that concerned about it but it's just something that lurks in my mind. I think probably because I found it so difficult to find a job before and it worries me that I won't make the money to pay it back. Of course, with the severity of my anxiety right now and with all my college shit to catch up on, I can't exactly go looking for a job so it makes it harder.
One of the big things that is affecting me, and I don't care if it sounds lame or "queer" or whatever, is my love life, or lack of. I've been "seeing" a few people over the last 2/3 years or so, but it never ever goes anywhere serious and it's my fault. After about a month or so, I wonder to myself, "why the fuck does this chick like me? What do I have to offer?" or "does she even like me, have I kinda forced my way into something that she doesn't even want?". I don't even have the balls to question it, I just walk away assuming they won't give a fuck anyway. It's hard for me because I've never really been in a serious relationship. Longest I've went with anyone was 7 months and even that wasn't completely serious. Apart from one or two, all the girls I've had a thing for, I've liked them a LOT (in a couple of cases, even believed to myself that I loved them, and maybe that's true, but I'm not entirely sure I know what love is). I just find it so hard to keep anything going and I just give up without trying, either assuming or convincing myself that she doesn't even like me anyway. It hurts because I know with most of them, we could have had a decent go and had something special. Maybe they wouldn't have been "the one" or anything, but you know, at least I would have tried. It sucks man.
Wow, that's a load off my mind. I don't really know where else to go from there. Any advice or anything would be cool I guess. I think I just need a friendly face to talk to. Sorry this is so long :P
Cheers guys and gals :)