(no subject)
Its been a while hasent it?
Anyway, how about an update?
So its my Birthday on Monday, as in the 2d. I hate my Birthday. For one reason only. My father.
My father either... Sends me a birthday card with 20$ saying Happy 14th Birthday sweetie, I miss you...as where im 17 and he hasent called or asked to see me in six years. OR...he just wont send a card, and maybe Ill be lucky adn get a card next month saying Im sorry I missed your Birthday...
So its slightly depressing adn I can remember the last birthday I had as a family. Sad. But hey, one step closer to bein 18, which means Im one step closer to being with Ash and Andrew and out of this country. I swear everythhing will be better once Im with them...
which brings me to my next topic.
Andrew....
ok so I stared school, he started school. Im a Junior with AP classes up the ass, and he's a Senior going into medicine, with a six hour time differance. Not much room for talking. I miss the hell out of him.
Im serious, each year it goes down in how much time I have to tlak with him. But every year I get smarter on how to use my time. So now, I buy phone cards...we text, we email...its amazing to spend an afternoon on the phone with him. I love to hear him laugh, though he is laughing at me..its ok. Becuase in that instant, he is real. He is sitting there listening to me with the same love for me as I have for him and in that instant it doesnt seem so dark, it isnt so lonely. And I love him.
*sigh* I make myself sad with how much I can talk about him. And how creativly I can write about me loving him. So, I talked to him on Saturday for a good 35 mins. until my phone card ran out of money. Waiting until Friday now, where I have off and I intend to spend it with him.
Next. I had a boyfriend. HAD is the key. His name was Mat, and I met him at work. I dont love him, love is to stronf of a word, and I only hold that position for Ash and Andrew. But, I do feel strongly about him. He is absolutly Amazingly cute..nice body..nice to mess around with (which im finding its ok. Im not afriad anymore to mess around, I know my boundries and I know not to have sex.) He will come over any time I ask..blah blah. But, hes an idiot. I mean seriously, he is a resemblance to my father, which I hate, but somhow draw to? How this ties into my life and lack of father...someone help?
Anyway, hes a stoner, and ex-cutter...and has been arrested more times than I have fingers and toes....yeah. soo....not a good match, but hes so cute.
So ive come to the conlusion..I dont like him..I just want him to mess around with. Oh well, im sorry Im human. So kill me. But I wouldnt hurt him. So..im not so mean afterall. Idk.
But I broke up with him. But why do I miss him so much?
And now..the biggest part to my update. I see a therapist now. Which ONLY came after I pleaded..I mean got down on my knees crying to my mom, telling her how Suicidal I am and all this stuff...well...actoins have consequences, and I got them. I see this woman named Gwynn Kohl.Shes nice, doesnt annoy me at all like my previous one did. She thinks that what my old therapist did (as in betraying my trust and going behind my back, after lying to my face she wouldnt tell, and telling the police and children services about my abuse........)And she thinks Im amazingly strong and resourceful. She thinks I'm very independant and I know what I want and how to get it. Ok, not bad.
But I see her once a week, and do group once a week, havent actually gone to group yet though, thats next thursday. If anyones interested ill update on that.
But yeah...
so its been a while. And Im sitting here drinking pumpkin spice latte from starbucks in nothing but my underwear and a tank, its pretty damn good. lol.
questions, comments, thoughts, Ideas?
Anyway, how about an update?
So its my Birthday on Monday, as in the 2d. I hate my Birthday. For one reason only. My father.
My father either... Sends me a birthday card with 20$ saying Happy 14th Birthday sweetie, I miss you...as where im 17 and he hasent called or asked to see me in six years. OR...he just wont send a card, and maybe Ill be lucky adn get a card next month saying Im sorry I missed your Birthday...
So its slightly depressing adn I can remember the last birthday I had as a family. Sad. But hey, one step closer to bein 18, which means Im one step closer to being with Ash and Andrew and out of this country. I swear everythhing will be better once Im with them...
which brings me to my next topic.
Andrew....
ok so I stared school, he started school. Im a Junior with AP classes up the ass, and he's a Senior going into medicine, with a six hour time differance. Not much room for talking. I miss the hell out of him.
Im serious, each year it goes down in how much time I have to tlak with him. But every year I get smarter on how to use my time. So now, I buy phone cards...we text, we email...its amazing to spend an afternoon on the phone with him. I love to hear him laugh, though he is laughing at me..its ok. Becuase in that instant, he is real. He is sitting there listening to me with the same love for me as I have for him and in that instant it doesnt seem so dark, it isnt so lonely. And I love him.
*sigh* I make myself sad with how much I can talk about him. And how creativly I can write about me loving him. So, I talked to him on Saturday for a good 35 mins. until my phone card ran out of money. Waiting until Friday now, where I have off and I intend to spend it with him.
Next. I had a boyfriend. HAD is the key. His name was Mat, and I met him at work. I dont love him, love is to stronf of a word, and I only hold that position for Ash and Andrew. But, I do feel strongly about him. He is absolutly Amazingly cute..nice body..nice to mess around with (which im finding its ok. Im not afriad anymore to mess around, I know my boundries and I know not to have sex.) He will come over any time I ask..blah blah. But, hes an idiot. I mean seriously, he is a resemblance to my father, which I hate, but somhow draw to? How this ties into my life and lack of father...someone help?
Anyway, hes a stoner, and ex-cutter...and has been arrested more times than I have fingers and toes....yeah. soo....not a good match, but hes so cute.
So ive come to the conlusion..I dont like him..I just want him to mess around with. Oh well, im sorry Im human. So kill me. But I wouldnt hurt him. So..im not so mean afterall. Idk.
But I broke up with him. But why do I miss him so much?
And now..the biggest part to my update. I see a therapist now. Which ONLY came after I pleaded..I mean got down on my knees crying to my mom, telling her how Suicidal I am and all this stuff...well...actoins have consequences, and I got them. I see this woman named Gwynn Kohl.Shes nice, doesnt annoy me at all like my previous one did. She thinks that what my old therapist did (as in betraying my trust and going behind my back, after lying to my face she wouldnt tell, and telling the police and children services about my abuse........)And she thinks Im amazingly strong and resourceful. She thinks I'm very independant and I know what I want and how to get it. Ok, not bad.
But I see her once a week, and do group once a week, havent actually gone to group yet though, thats next thursday. If anyones interested ill update on that.
But yeah...
so its been a while. And Im sitting here drinking pumpkin spice latte from starbucks in nothing but my underwear and a tank, its pretty damn good. lol.
questions, comments, thoughts, Ideas?