Something that is helping me....
I am posting this incase it may help others. I am trying to view my rape from a different angle. I was viewing it as a VICTIM, and now I'm trying to view it as a SURVIVOR. I've made a list of survivor traits, and am trying to implement them into my life. For example, I am usually quiet and withdrawn at school, but now I am trying to start conversations, and be friendly with people. I've been suprised how warmly people have welcomed my conversation.
As far as the rape itself, I have tried looking at it from the rapists point of view (very tough). I tried to view him as a human being, instead of a monster, with troubles of his own. This isn't easy because it leaves me out of it altogether. It feels almost like it is excusing his actions and the effect they have had on me. But everyday that I think about it, it gets a little bit easier, and is helping me over-all.
I am far from forgiveness. I am doing this for me, not for him. I want to throw away the stigma that comes with the word "rape", such as shame, and self-blame. In order to do that, I am trying to learn from this experience. I am trying to realize that my anger is my strength, and I feel so much safer when I can view my rape as something that has happened, something that has passed, and something I don't have to go through again. Even if my fear is still there that I may be hurt again, I can use my anger to remind me when I am making decisions, that I don't HAVE TO do anything I don't want to, and I don't HAVE TO trust anyone that hasn't earned it.
This mindset I have found is hard to put into words, but I hope it has encouraged some of you. I don't want to make this sound easy, because it isn't, but these are OUR lives. We need to stop giving our rapists/abusers control over us. We need to turn our anger into strength, into something we can use for the better.
As far as the rape itself, I have tried looking at it from the rapists point of view (very tough). I tried to view him as a human being, instead of a monster, with troubles of his own. This isn't easy because it leaves me out of it altogether. It feels almost like it is excusing his actions and the effect they have had on me. But everyday that I think about it, it gets a little bit easier, and is helping me over-all.
I am far from forgiveness. I am doing this for me, not for him. I want to throw away the stigma that comes with the word "rape", such as shame, and self-blame. In order to do that, I am trying to learn from this experience. I am trying to realize that my anger is my strength, and I feel so much safer when I can view my rape as something that has happened, something that has passed, and something I don't have to go through again. Even if my fear is still there that I may be hurt again, I can use my anger to remind me when I am making decisions, that I don't HAVE TO do anything I don't want to, and I don't HAVE TO trust anyone that hasn't earned it.
This mindset I have found is hard to put into words, but I hope it has encouraged some of you. I don't want to make this sound easy, because it isn't, but these are OUR lives. We need to stop giving our rapists/abusers control over us. We need to turn our anger into strength, into something we can use for the better.