It depends on your state (I'm unfamiliar with Michigan laws), situation, and therapist, to be honest. If you're under 18, most states legally require therapists to report ANY abuse. If you're over 18, the lines get fuzzy. Most therapists understand that if a couple is coming to them for counseling to *stop* the abuse, reporting the abuse is counterproductive; it breaks the trust of the couple with the therapist, and it halts any progress the abuser would be making, by disrupting his routine, etc. However, if a therapist feels your life is in imminent danger, almost all of them will report it.
Try googling "mandated reporters" and Michigan together. You will be able to see what is mandated, by law, to be reported. Technically, any citizen with knowledge that a crime has been committed "should" report it - but many people don't. For example, I was in a relationship which was abusive while I was in therapy. I disclosed my partner was abusing me, and it was not reported - but I was specifically counseled on how to address it, set healthy boundaries, and how and when to separate from the abuser (even if it was a separation with intent to continue the relationship). I've yet to experience a therapist reporting abuse without my consent, and it seems to be how most therapists in my area work.
As for your therapist - it's okay to address with her that your preference is to work on BOTH his maturity levels and anger management. While she is demonstrating her knowledge that you must work from a stable baseline before delving into where problems come from, she isn't getting a clear enough picture to understand, that in order for your home life to be stable, the anger management MUST be addressed. Otherwise, you're both being constantly triggered by his abusive outbursts in regards to anger and frustration, and you're not being as effective as you could be in establishing that stable baseline. Advocate for yourself and your relationship by making this clearer to her, and remember that it's okay to tell her your therapeutic relationship needs an adjustment.
If she still wants the focus of your couple-therapy sessions to be maturity, it's time for him to seek individual counseling in relation to his anger management as a supplement to your couple's counseling. He absolutely must deal with it, even if it ends up not being "optimal". he needs his anger under control, even if it's just working on skills to calm down or remove the physical danger for the both of you.
If you can, I highly recommend the Anger Control Workbook (the link takes you to its amazon page). It's what my husband used, to great success, in getting skills to calm down in the moment, know when to walk away, and to give him a better idea of how to manage his anger in the moment, so he could tackle the reasons for the anger later on in therapy.
Thank you so much, I will google what you said about state mandated laws and will definitely check out the workbook. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but was your husband at all abusive to you earlier in your relationship? I ask because I wonder if there is hope for us.
I love him very much and I know he loves me, and I believe that if I claim to love him, I have to love all of him including his bad sides. I want to marry him someday, and I don't feel I could ever take that vow of through good times and bad if I am not willing to at least try to get us help and work through the problem. Again, you totally don't have to answer that question if you don't want to, and thanks for the advice.
He has never been physically abusive with me, though in a previous relationship (I was friends with him at the time), he would reach a point of grabbing his partner out of anger. That partner was abusing him verbally, constantly, and they most assuredly brought out the worst in each other. His anger most often manifests itself verbally. Without treatment, he very well could have become an abuser, especially if he stayed in an unhealthy relationship instead of into a healthy one.
Previous partners of mine were physically abusive. They were not in a place to be able to address their anger management, and I left when I knew change would not happen. But my husband has always been willing to address it, and it's why I stayed. I stayed with him through the worst of his anger, and we were able to get to the bottom of it and get it to an absolute minimum - and then, healthy expressions of anger rather than abusive. he, too, is a survivor of abuse, so much of his anger stemmed from that - and then having no skills with which to manage the anger escalated it. Getting him the skills to manage it healthily was really the key.
It might be that you need to separate from him during this process - to take away the opportunity for him to lash out at you, while he's learning healthy and non-abusive methods to express anger and frustration - but I want you to know that's normal and okay, and I want to make sure you know it's an option. A lot of people think that choosing to stay in a relationship with someone means you have to live with them, or spend a lot of time physically near them, too, and end up making it harder for both people to adjust to the new skills. So if you two find you need to spend less time together for a while, remember that it doesn't mean you're leaving each other - just getting adjusted to new habits within your relationship.
Try googling "mandated reporters" and Michigan together. You will be able to see what is mandated, by law, to be reported. Technically, any citizen with knowledge that a crime has been committed "should" report it - but many people don't. For example, I was in a relationship which was abusive while I was in therapy. I disclosed my partner was abusing me, and it was not reported - but I was specifically counseled on how to address it, set healthy boundaries, and how and when to separate from the abuser (even if it was a separation with intent to continue the relationship). I've yet to experience a therapist reporting abuse without my consent, and it seems to be how most therapists in my area work.
As for your therapist - it's okay to address with her that your preference is to work on BOTH his maturity levels and anger management. While she is demonstrating her knowledge that you must work from a stable baseline before delving into where problems come from, she isn't getting a clear enough picture to understand, that in order for your home life to be stable, the anger management MUST be addressed. Otherwise, you're both being constantly triggered by his abusive outbursts in regards to anger and frustration, and you're not being as effective as you could be in establishing that stable baseline. Advocate for yourself and your relationship by making this clearer to her, and remember that it's okay to tell her your therapeutic relationship needs an adjustment.
If she still wants the focus of your couple-therapy sessions to be maturity, it's time for him to seek individual counseling in relation to his anger management as a supplement to your couple's counseling. He absolutely must deal with it, even if it ends up not being "optimal". he needs his anger under control, even if it's just working on skills to calm down or remove the physical danger for the both of you.
If you can, I highly recommend the Anger Control Workbook (the link takes you to its amazon page). It's what my husband used, to great success, in getting skills to calm down in the moment, know when to walk away, and to give him a better idea of how to manage his anger in the moment, so he could tackle the reasons for the anger later on in therapy.
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I love him very much and I know he loves me, and I believe that if I claim to love him, I have to love all of him including his bad sides. I want to marry him someday, and I don't feel I could ever take that vow of through good times and bad if I am not willing to at least try to get us help and work through the problem. Again, you totally don't have to answer that question if you don't want to, and thanks for the advice.
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Previous partners of mine were physically abusive. They were not in a place to be able to address their anger management, and I left when I knew change would not happen. But my husband has always been willing to address it, and it's why I stayed. I stayed with him through the worst of his anger, and we were able to get to the bottom of it and get it to an absolute minimum - and then, healthy expressions of anger rather than abusive. he, too, is a survivor of abuse, so much of his anger stemmed from that - and then having no skills with which to manage the anger escalated it. Getting him the skills to manage it healthily was really the key.
It might be that you need to separate from him during this process - to take away the opportunity for him to lash out at you, while he's learning healthy and non-abusive methods to express anger and frustration - but I want you to know that's normal and okay, and I want to make sure you know it's an option. A lot of people think that choosing to stay in a relationship with someone means you have to live with them, or spend a lot of time physically near them, too, and end up making it harder for both people to adjust to the new skills. So if you two find you need to spend less time together for a while, remember that it doesn't mean you're leaving each other - just getting adjusted to new habits within your relationship.
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