(no subject)
These last two days have been so hard. Me and travis have been fighting a lot more and last light i thought it was as bad as it got. We were going to go to dinner and we got all dressed up but then we got into this huge fight and we didn't end up going. the only thing i wanted to do was leave his apt, get out of my dress and take a shower in hopes that it would wash the whole day away. It seemed to work and then everything was fine with us. Today was better, until tonight. We were at the outlet mall and he started asking me about the guys i've had sex with and if i talk to them and all this stuff. He wouldn't let it go for almost two hours. | don't know what i can do or say to him so he'll think that it was my past. I started to open up about my mom for the first real time in hopes that he would understand why i did some of the things i did but it didn't help. I don't know what to do. I took him home and he kept saying that he loved me and that everything would be fine but i coudln't even look at him or say the words back to him. I cried the whole way home. For this first time in a long time i made myslef throw up b/c i felt so bad. This is the first time he has made me feel like all those other assholes did. I love him so much but i'm not surehow much more of this i can take.
I was smoking and sahra came out to talk to me. She's been having a really hard time mentaly, her meds arn't working and she might have to go to the hosp for a while again. She told me that if she says something really weird it's b/c she's hearing things and to just ignore it; but she kept making sure i was ok and wanted me to talk about travis. I started crying and she said that she doesn't like to touch people but she wanted to give me a hug. Even though she's having such a hard time she still wanted to be there for me. For her to try to be there for me even thought it was so hard for to broke my heart. I don't know what to feel or say or do about any of this. It's like the only thing that makes me feel somewhat better is sitting looking at a wall, cutting off all feelings, thinking of nothing and just be alone.
I was smoking and sahra came out to talk to me. She's been having a really hard time mentaly, her meds arn't working and she might have to go to the hosp for a while again. She told me that if she says something really weird it's b/c she's hearing things and to just ignore it; but she kept making sure i was ok and wanted me to talk about travis. I started crying and she said that she doesn't like to touch people but she wanted to give me a hug. Even though she's having such a hard time she still wanted to be there for me. For her to try to be there for me even thought it was so hard for to broke my heart. I don't know what to feel or say or do about any of this. It's like the only thing that makes me feel somewhat better is sitting looking at a wall, cutting off all feelings, thinking of nothing and just be alone.