i just wanna wake up in someone else's arms...
-i love the rain and how very pensive it makes me feel. for some reason, i get some weird satisfaction from hearing rain and thunder, and watching the rain fall off of my house onto plants' leaves. something about the sound and the rhythm and i dunno, it's just powerful. i can't explain it, but it's one of my favorite things in the world. i would give anything in the world to be able to spend the day with sam in bed watching tv and being emo together as it rains, or being asleep with him and hearing the rain in the background. i'd give anything. wow, it still hurts so much.
-i haven't gotten any letters since saturday. he ran out of envelopes and now i dread coming home and getting the mail because i know there's nothing in it for me, nothing that matters anyway, but i HAVE to do it anyways, just because i'm a masochist and have chronic depression. it ruins my day, and i know it will, but i do it anyway.
-as soon as i get his address, which should be coming to his parents' house in the mail today or tomorrow, i'm getting a package together and the next day, cheryl said she'd help me overnight it to him. so that way, he'll be surprised and touched and know how much i'm willing to do for him. and i'll overnight him some envelopes too, so he can write me super duper soon.
-today was basically my last day of classes. i take ap lit tomorrow, then all next week i have ap's to take. except for tuesday when i have to take my calc final (CUZ CALCULUS IS THE GAYEST FUCKING SUBJECT IN THE WORLD) and then go to baccalaureate practice. but up till thursday, i have ap's to take. i don't care about any of them. i'd definitely like to pass all of them, but the chances of that are slim to none, since i haven't allowed myself to learn one damn thing this whole year. i wish i gave more of a shit...a bigger shit, you could say. cuz what i give now is like a hamster pellet shit and that's not enough to motivate me at all.
-i just realized today that i am going to miss mccarthy...just a little bit. my classes and the cool teachers that let me do AND SAY whatever the hell i wanted (even if i did get my mouth taped or exiled or forced to stand outside for burping and causing a raucous), the people who i care about that i'm not going to college with, praying in class (i'm going to miss that a lot...especially mr. mcalice's class with our 20 minute prayers EVERY DAY), mr. vera (who rocks my world and is so surprisingly amazing), lunch (even though i can never look chuchi in the eyes again), i dunno...
-i guess i'll miss a lot of things, but not enough to be too nostalgic or care too much or reflect too much. i want my future, not my past. i want my future...i want sam and i want to marry him and start forever with him asap. i want to be successful (in my heart and my wallet), i want to love sam for the rest of my life and experience everything life has to give us together. i want to hear them say, "you may kiss the bride". i want to watch our first son get placed in his arms and see the look in his eyes, and watch him be the best daddy in the world. i want to wake up in the middle of the night and just talk and laugh and spend hours doing nothing (and maybe SOMEthing) with each other. i want to spend forever knowing that it's ME AND SAM AGAINST THE WORLD (sorry claud, sam and i) and that if everything else in the universe melted away, i'd still have him, and that'll always be more than enough.
-but i guess for now, i just want a letter and i just want to see him again. i want that moment where he steps into my view from far away (and i get to truck whatever hoes are in between us) and i can run to him and grab him and kiss him and hold him and feel all the things that keep me alive, feel everything i love about life, in him. wow, this is so mother f'in sappy and i'm crying yet again, so much for not being a lil biatch and wallowing in my pain so that we can both be strong...i gotta go before i get myself going.
-guys, please just pray for him, that he'll be strong and be able to do this; for me, that i'll be strong and that the next 3 and a half months will go by so amazingly speedy gonzalez fast; and for us, that we'll be just as strong and stronger when this is all over and that we can start our lives together soon.
-i haven't gotten any letters since saturday. he ran out of envelopes and now i dread coming home and getting the mail because i know there's nothing in it for me, nothing that matters anyway, but i HAVE to do it anyways, just because i'm a masochist and have chronic depression. it ruins my day, and i know it will, but i do it anyway.
-as soon as i get his address, which should be coming to his parents' house in the mail today or tomorrow, i'm getting a package together and the next day, cheryl said she'd help me overnight it to him. so that way, he'll be surprised and touched and know how much i'm willing to do for him. and i'll overnight him some envelopes too, so he can write me super duper soon.
-today was basically my last day of classes. i take ap lit tomorrow, then all next week i have ap's to take. except for tuesday when i have to take my calc final (CUZ CALCULUS IS THE GAYEST FUCKING SUBJECT IN THE WORLD) and then go to baccalaureate practice. but up till thursday, i have ap's to take. i don't care about any of them. i'd definitely like to pass all of them, but the chances of that are slim to none, since i haven't allowed myself to learn one damn thing this whole year. i wish i gave more of a shit...a bigger shit, you could say. cuz what i give now is like a hamster pellet shit and that's not enough to motivate me at all.
-i just realized today that i am going to miss mccarthy...just a little bit. my classes and the cool teachers that let me do AND SAY whatever the hell i wanted (even if i did get my mouth taped or exiled or forced to stand outside for burping and causing a raucous), the people who i care about that i'm not going to college with, praying in class (i'm going to miss that a lot...especially mr. mcalice's class with our 20 minute prayers EVERY DAY), mr. vera (who rocks my world and is so surprisingly amazing), lunch (even though i can never look chuchi in the eyes again), i dunno...
-i guess i'll miss a lot of things, but not enough to be too nostalgic or care too much or reflect too much. i want my future, not my past. i want my future...i want sam and i want to marry him and start forever with him asap. i want to be successful (in my heart and my wallet), i want to love sam for the rest of my life and experience everything life has to give us together. i want to hear them say, "you may kiss the bride". i want to watch our first son get placed in his arms and see the look in his eyes, and watch him be the best daddy in the world. i want to wake up in the middle of the night and just talk and laugh and spend hours doing nothing (and maybe SOMEthing) with each other. i want to spend forever knowing that it's ME AND SAM AGAINST THE WORLD (sorry claud, sam and i) and that if everything else in the universe melted away, i'd still have him, and that'll always be more than enough.
-but i guess for now, i just want a letter and i just want to see him again. i want that moment where he steps into my view from far away (and i get to truck whatever hoes are in between us) and i can run to him and grab him and kiss him and hold him and feel all the things that keep me alive, feel everything i love about life, in him. wow, this is so mother f'in sappy and i'm crying yet again, so much for not being a lil biatch and wallowing in my pain so that we can both be strong...i gotta go before i get myself going.
-guys, please just pray for him, that he'll be strong and be able to do this; for me, that i'll be strong and that the next 3 and a half months will go by so amazingly speedy gonzalez fast; and for us, that we'll be just as strong and stronger when this is all over and that we can start our lives together soon.