my fucked head... sleeping disorders.
Back in 2004 when I was staying with Dinger and Jared, I started seeing things when I was falling asleep or had just fallen asleep. I remember one time waking up a few minutes after fallen asleep and asking my girlfriend at the time where the cat on the kitchen counter came from. She told me it was a water bottle. I didn't believe her, got up and grabbed what I thought was a cat, but it was a water bottle. That's the first time I remember it happening. After that I would see people walking down the hall in the reflection of the sliding glass windows, or have conversations with people that weren't there. One time I woke up and had a short conversation with Josh Ward. A couple minutes later, both him and Dinger came in the front door. It was all in my head. At the time I thought I was going fucking crazy. I only told my mom about it. Though, I remember being shitfaced once and talking to a friend about it, about how I was scared I was going crazy.
Then it mostly happened when I was really tired or stressed out. I've read it brings it on. Mostly it was just when I was falling asleep, which is referred to as a hypogognic state. I've also read that such things as when you're falling asleep and you get the sensation that you're falling(which I get a lot when I'm really tired)is the same.
In the last couple years it's gotten much worse. I try to remember when it started getting worse. I can't remember ever having problems at the Sumner house or when I lived off Hawthorne. I can't even remember any of it happening when I lived in the apt on 70th. I believe it started hitting me hard when I lived at the house on Beech with Charlotte.
My major problem now is what is referred to as hypnopompic state. It's the time between sleeping and waking. I'm told it's pretty common, but not as severe as I have it. Basically, I wake up but I'm still dreaming. Since I normally wear glasses and while sleeping I'm not wearing them, everything is blurry. This adds to it since objects and shadows can more easily form into things... Most of them creep/scare me. I've seen everything ranging from spiders to people to random objects. I remember one time trying to push Charlotte off the bed and between the wall and bed to protect her from whatever it was that I was seeing. Often, it was some scary shit. Faces and what not. Mostly demons(best way to describe it... or "monsters"). Back in December I remember waking and seeing a man, ghostly image of one, standing pointing at me and then moving through the doorway into the kitchen. This freaked the shit out of me to the point I couldn't move. I also saw a small man climbing down the blinds around the same time... weird shit. When I lived up on Sumner w/ Lizzie and Eggy. I saw shit all the time. If I left my closet door open w/ a jacket over it, I always saw someone there. People sitting in the corners, whatever. I had to start putting away my guns because I was afraid that in a fright I'd grab one and try to shoot this imaginary figure. Often times I'd sleep w/ the lights on or my glasses, to try and help me from seeing stuff. I always left the light on at my dad's when I stayed there after December. I just didn't want to be bothered.
I remember recently, waking and seeing two kids sitting behind my bike against the wall, and I said to them, "this shit needs to stop." Last night, I saw a small bug crawl out of a hole int eh wall above my head and sit there. I eventually got up and saw it was just a piece of paper that was still stapled to the wall. I pulled it off just to be sure.
It's hard to explain all the shit I've seen, but it's enough. Apparently you can take anti-depressants or something to help, the the cons outweigh the bad...
Speaking of how real the shit seems, the hole that the "bug" crawled out of, I put it there w/ my U lock while trying to hit another imaginary thing. It's crazy. I never had this shit when I was a kid. I guess I would sleep walk when I lived with my grandparents, but that's about it. I remember having one nightmare when I was a kid that I slept at the foot of my dad's bed the rest of the night.
Yeah.
Anyway.
I just did some assessment tests for a job. Got it. Start monday doing call center work for some identity theft case or some shit? $10.50/hr wee. Hopefully it will be mon-fri. Likely not.
In other news...
I'm still retarded and can't get the eff over Charlotte. Now she tells me that I need to "leave her alone". That was after 2 text messages in a span of 2+ weeks.
I guess when you're 19/20, you say you love someone and it doesn't have to be true. Same w/ that bullshit line, "I still want to be friends... I care about you." Hah. Why am I so fucking retarded over this shit? Before her, any girl... 2 weeks later and I'd be over it. Sometimes less. Months go by, and I'm still fucking retarded. I can't even watch a movie, read a book, play a fucking video game without thinking of her.
Bah. At least with work I can keep my mind occupied. It's not like I have anything else to do, so I'll just work as much as I can. I'll need to to afford to drive to hillsboro every day on a 16mpg car.
Then it mostly happened when I was really tired or stressed out. I've read it brings it on. Mostly it was just when I was falling asleep, which is referred to as a hypogognic state. I've also read that such things as when you're falling asleep and you get the sensation that you're falling(which I get a lot when I'm really tired)is the same.
In the last couple years it's gotten much worse. I try to remember when it started getting worse. I can't remember ever having problems at the Sumner house or when I lived off Hawthorne. I can't even remember any of it happening when I lived in the apt on 70th. I believe it started hitting me hard when I lived at the house on Beech with Charlotte.
My major problem now is what is referred to as hypnopompic state. It's the time between sleeping and waking. I'm told it's pretty common, but not as severe as I have it. Basically, I wake up but I'm still dreaming. Since I normally wear glasses and while sleeping I'm not wearing them, everything is blurry. This adds to it since objects and shadows can more easily form into things... Most of them creep/scare me. I've seen everything ranging from spiders to people to random objects. I remember one time trying to push Charlotte off the bed and between the wall and bed to protect her from whatever it was that I was seeing. Often, it was some scary shit. Faces and what not. Mostly demons(best way to describe it... or "monsters"). Back in December I remember waking and seeing a man, ghostly image of one, standing pointing at me and then moving through the doorway into the kitchen. This freaked the shit out of me to the point I couldn't move. I also saw a small man climbing down the blinds around the same time... weird shit. When I lived up on Sumner w/ Lizzie and Eggy. I saw shit all the time. If I left my closet door open w/ a jacket over it, I always saw someone there. People sitting in the corners, whatever. I had to start putting away my guns because I was afraid that in a fright I'd grab one and try to shoot this imaginary figure. Often times I'd sleep w/ the lights on or my glasses, to try and help me from seeing stuff. I always left the light on at my dad's when I stayed there after December. I just didn't want to be bothered.
I remember recently, waking and seeing two kids sitting behind my bike against the wall, and I said to them, "this shit needs to stop." Last night, I saw a small bug crawl out of a hole int eh wall above my head and sit there. I eventually got up and saw it was just a piece of paper that was still stapled to the wall. I pulled it off just to be sure.
It's hard to explain all the shit I've seen, but it's enough. Apparently you can take anti-depressants or something to help, the the cons outweigh the bad...
Speaking of how real the shit seems, the hole that the "bug" crawled out of, I put it there w/ my U lock while trying to hit another imaginary thing. It's crazy. I never had this shit when I was a kid. I guess I would sleep walk when I lived with my grandparents, but that's about it. I remember having one nightmare when I was a kid that I slept at the foot of my dad's bed the rest of the night.
Yeah.
Anyway.
I just did some assessment tests for a job. Got it. Start monday doing call center work for some identity theft case or some shit? $10.50/hr wee. Hopefully it will be mon-fri. Likely not.
In other news...
I'm still retarded and can't get the eff over Charlotte. Now she tells me that I need to "leave her alone". That was after 2 text messages in a span of 2+ weeks.
I guess when you're 19/20, you say you love someone and it doesn't have to be true. Same w/ that bullshit line, "I still want to be friends... I care about you." Hah. Why am I so fucking retarded over this shit? Before her, any girl... 2 weeks later and I'd be over it. Sometimes less. Months go by, and I'm still fucking retarded. I can't even watch a movie, read a book, play a fucking video game without thinking of her.
Bah. At least with work I can keep my mind occupied. It's not like I have anything else to do, so I'll just work as much as I can. I'll need to to afford to drive to hillsboro every day on a 16mpg car.