There is so much there for you.

[_helmsley]

It's really hard for me to open up to people. No matter how much I try, I can never explain some things or really say how I feel. I try really hard to just say it, but it's like I have it programmed to never say anything. I feel like no one believes me when I say some things, so I just learned to not say anything at all. I need to stop talking to some people. I can't seem to find anything to say. It's all just filler. Just little Tic Tacs filling up the space between my teeth. It's never anything of substance or reality. I wish I knew how to say the right things or act the right way. God. Last night, a lot happened and a lot of thinknig in a small time came about and I'm jsut so worn out from not sleeping and not eating correctly and do too much in such a little time. I hate my coachesa nd directors and everything. I can't choose between band and swimming. I love both. I can't choose between here or Florida. Both are amazing. God. I'm so fucking vague. I wish I could jsut say everything and not care about the consequences. I wish I were like certain people who have no problem saying they are sad and for the smallest reasons ever. I don't know why. I know I have a damned good reason to be how I am. But I always feel like it's never good enough. I hate how I'm such a hypcrite and how I am the worst person ever but no one sees that. But at the same time, I know I'm a good kid. I deserve a lot more than i'm getting, and I know it, but it's hard for me.
And I hate that no matter how much I try- no matter how hard I press the keys I'm typing on- I can never say anything that matters.

I hate myself. So fucking much.