laying our bodies down like maps face to face
going through benzo withdrawal is hard, especially when i have access to whatever i want. but just like alcohol and weed, i've come to a place where i'm just done with them and have realized that they were a replacement for my abuse of weed that i'm still recovering from. i wanted to believe that it was simply a matter of not running out to avoid withdrawal symptoms and since i never had to worry about running out, i didn't pay much attention to taking them just to relax at night or if i woke up in an anxious state. the "enough is enough" moment came when i looked at my bookshelf and scanned through the books i've read knowing that i could only give brief overviews of them or maybe not even that. as someone who desperately wants to learn as much as he can, whose sole goal in life is to grow and love as much as possible, this is obviously troubling. i'm getting some cognitive function back, i've surprised _________ with some various randomly recalled pieces of our past and have found my attention span coming back. i'm actually writing a piece for guitar where before i could only sit and play around not able to focus enough to put together anything. anyone who has taken benzos on a regular basis knows tolerance levels and as ridiculous as it is (and should be), i've needed to remind myself that the less i take them, the more effective they are when i really do need them. taking them the moment you feel any anxiety (and i understand, i do... anxiety is awful) unfortunately ensures that you will never develop the cognitive capabilities of dealing with the anxiety on your own. i have found great comfort in getting out and instead of taking them as a precautionary measure to deal with the anxiety of being outside of my small world; i've found an empowering effect in not using them (but having them with me in case i do need them) and knowing i've dealt with the anxiety on my own. all those fluffy sounding things like mantras, self talk, deep breathing, and cbt / reality testing thoughts are effective but need practice. they will never cure your anxiety in thirty minutes flat like dropping an Ativan will. but what in life doesn't take practice? doesn't take experience? doesn't take knowledge of interaction and analysis? just like training on the piano or, perhaps more relevant; learning to be emotionally intelligent or understanding that being more sociable is a simple act of practice and analysis of the experience. you learn that everyone is awkward, that there are people far more awkward than you, and that you do have a plenty of things to say that are valuable and can benefit others. it takes practice when you've learned to do it yourself to find it in others and help them to realize their own potential.
some of the withdrawal effects (and yes, i am weaning, don't worry) have been unpleasant; detached sadness, one or two episodes of crushing depression, anxiety dancing about in my head and taunting me telling me i can't do it so just give in and take some. but these are not enough to overcome my resolve, that i know i will be better off, that new worlds can open inside of me. i will be whole, i will be born anew.
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so i read the introduction to this book and it mentioned peripersonal space and i immediately sensed that it could account for my personal experience with weight loss. despite a continual loss of weight there were days where i would look in the mirror or just feel as if i was still much heavier and this would discourage me. i also would find myself standing in the shower and looking at this lighter body of mine and feeling almost detached from it, perhaps even a bit of anxiety that i was somehow unhealthy. i knew there was some neurological explanation for this but it had never been addressed in any of the texts that i had read. how your mind realizes your body (you obviously are not consciously aware of your entire body) is related to various maps in your brain related to things like touch, spacial awareness, and balance that you have amassed since you were developing as a child. your experience of your weight and how you feel in your body is also influenced by your understanding of body image and various environmental and social cues that you've been fed, again, ever since you were a child. something like a horrible uncle calling you "fat" as a child or being around a sister who is heavier than you but feels wonderful and confident in her body become points in a map in your brain that creates your "body image". this is why i insist on anyone trying to lose weight to first understand that they are beautiful just as they are and i don't mean that as a simple platitude. i mean repeating it to yourself even when it makes you feel nothing, even when it feels pointless, until you actually do believe it. one of those times you will actually sense it, you will feel something like a warmth come over you and even someone like myself who has hated his body and felt so plain and unremarkable will realize something inside that says "you are beautiful. right now, right this very moment. there is nothing you have to do but to be you." one of the greatest ways you can acheive this is to tell others how beautiful they are, especially when they feel anything but. you will realize that you cannot be sincere with them if you aren't willing to offer the same grace to yourself. it works, trust me, it just takes practice for some of us that have built up a negative body image through constant unconscious reception of outside influence that we absorb without proper and rational analysis.
this book is absolutely mind blowing and has changed the way i think. i'm highly interested in how this relates to body dysmorphia and if it could also affect trans individuals in why they don't feel right in their bodies. but that might need to wait for my thoughts on gender, dual archetypes, androgyny, etc. it is just really fascinating to something i've contemplated for a long time; the feeling of something being right but not knowing how it is right being a precursor to self discovery and growth. faith is a necessary part of life whether you want to believe that or not, however you need to define it.
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more to come. so much more.
b.