you are not helpless, i will help you try to beat it.
just a quick update as i watch these Iowa results and attempt to not be distracted by them. i apologize for the small font size of the last entry, i don't have my glasses but i can't believe i used to post with such a small font.
ending my addiction to Facebook was one of the best decisions i could have ever made. i also added to my time by giving up Reddit as well aside from checking on election results / hockey subs. i used to follow a few subs that monitored the horrible men's rights groups and it was so draining to be confronted with such abysmal examples of humanity. the problem of course being that they largely exist because of a place like Reddit and have little to no effect on society. i'm not going to read Stormfront whose user base is much more influential than the MRM, why should i lower myself to that level (considering they have a large crossover rate)? what a pointless waste of time that i am so happy to have left behind.
i was literally addicted to Facebook, which we all know the research that shows that is a very real phenomenon in these strange, modern times. there is a lot of good there but way too much is, as i mentioned, an imitation or as DeBord said, a spectacle. one of the most useless things i would do is open comment sections on divisive posts or on the articles linked just to be amused by useless, anonymous people and i would let myself get caught up in them too many times which amounted to... let me do the math: oh yeah, nothing. absolutely nothing.
today, after my workout, i put on something warm and sat outside to write a letter to a dear, longtime friend who i kept promising to send a package to but never did. i don't blame this entirely on FB or social media or the internet but i do blame a large part of it on it. an amusing discovery is how awful my handwriting has become in this digital age. i kept alternating between cursive and print letters in the same word, it was a mess and didn't help i was writing on a pad on my knee. it was cold and as gray as you'd expect in the NW this time of year but i loved being outside, listening to the birds and squirrels at war over the feed we have out for them, to pet my cats, to hear the wind through the trees, and actually be productive. i swept the back porch which is menial but meditative work. if my hands weren't getting cold, i would have brought my guitar out to play for a little while (summer soon, i will not take a single moment of it for granted).
i'm supposed to be entering a midlife crisis i believe right now but instead, i've never felt more alive for a variety of reasons. the reason people have midlife crises is because they have ignored reality their entire lives, they have chased externalities that they end up finding mean nothing, and suddenly they are terrified at a purposeless life without any direction. i have always been a quiet, inward directed person and dealing with major depressive disorder and anxiety that has intensified. thankfully, i have used that time to read as much as i could to try to understand myself and life more. the disabling elements of my mental health aren't fun to deal with and i need to remind myself that i'm lucky have kept myself alive even though the most crushing despair and loneliness (i deserve credit for this and i need to not feel selfish for acknowledging it). as much as i wish i could have dealt with it, that i should have "got it" sooner, i am still grateful for what it has offered me. it is, undeniably, a reason for who i am today and i need to remember that while i put it in its proper place. i lost so much of what i deemed "capability" that i decided the only thing i could hold on to was a willingness to be open and honest about what i am going through. this is something that i'm not used to, i'm used to being incredibly guarded and anyone that knows me, knows how well i divert any attention or discussion away from myself. it was truly a decision that changed my life and now defines it. instead of the judgment and critcism i expected, people reached out to me and responded with matching honesty that made me feel less alone in my struggles.
i will be 37 this year (i still don't tell people my birthday, even my family, because i hate being the center of attention but maybe i'll let go of that too. maybe.) and i have never felt such purpose in my life, never felt so fulfilled in this small universe occupied in my body that i have built up.
i am happy. i am grateful. i am loved. i am alive. life is beautiful.
a letter to a friend is worth more than the last five years on Facebook.
ending my addiction to Facebook was one of the best decisions i could have ever made. i also added to my time by giving up Reddit as well aside from checking on election results / hockey subs. i used to follow a few subs that monitored the horrible men's rights groups and it was so draining to be confronted with such abysmal examples of humanity. the problem of course being that they largely exist because of a place like Reddit and have little to no effect on society. i'm not going to read Stormfront whose user base is much more influential than the MRM, why should i lower myself to that level (considering they have a large crossover rate)? what a pointless waste of time that i am so happy to have left behind.
i was literally addicted to Facebook, which we all know the research that shows that is a very real phenomenon in these strange, modern times. there is a lot of good there but way too much is, as i mentioned, an imitation or as DeBord said, a spectacle. one of the most useless things i would do is open comment sections on divisive posts or on the articles linked just to be amused by useless, anonymous people and i would let myself get caught up in them too many times which amounted to... let me do the math: oh yeah, nothing. absolutely nothing.
today, after my workout, i put on something warm and sat outside to write a letter to a dear, longtime friend who i kept promising to send a package to but never did. i don't blame this entirely on FB or social media or the internet but i do blame a large part of it on it. an amusing discovery is how awful my handwriting has become in this digital age. i kept alternating between cursive and print letters in the same word, it was a mess and didn't help i was writing on a pad on my knee. it was cold and as gray as you'd expect in the NW this time of year but i loved being outside, listening to the birds and squirrels at war over the feed we have out for them, to pet my cats, to hear the wind through the trees, and actually be productive. i swept the back porch which is menial but meditative work. if my hands weren't getting cold, i would have brought my guitar out to play for a little while (summer soon, i will not take a single moment of it for granted).
i'm supposed to be entering a midlife crisis i believe right now but instead, i've never felt more alive for a variety of reasons. the reason people have midlife crises is because they have ignored reality their entire lives, they have chased externalities that they end up finding mean nothing, and suddenly they are terrified at a purposeless life without any direction. i have always been a quiet, inward directed person and dealing with major depressive disorder and anxiety that has intensified. thankfully, i have used that time to read as much as i could to try to understand myself and life more. the disabling elements of my mental health aren't fun to deal with and i need to remind myself that i'm lucky have kept myself alive even though the most crushing despair and loneliness (i deserve credit for this and i need to not feel selfish for acknowledging it). as much as i wish i could have dealt with it, that i should have "got it" sooner, i am still grateful for what it has offered me. it is, undeniably, a reason for who i am today and i need to remember that while i put it in its proper place. i lost so much of what i deemed "capability" that i decided the only thing i could hold on to was a willingness to be open and honest about what i am going through. this is something that i'm not used to, i'm used to being incredibly guarded and anyone that knows me, knows how well i divert any attention or discussion away from myself. it was truly a decision that changed my life and now defines it. instead of the judgment and critcism i expected, people reached out to me and responded with matching honesty that made me feel less alone in my struggles.
i will be 37 this year (i still don't tell people my birthday, even my family, because i hate being the center of attention but maybe i'll let go of that too. maybe.) and i have never felt such purpose in my life, never felt so fulfilled in this small universe occupied in my body that i have built up.
i am happy. i am grateful. i am loved. i am alive. life is beautiful.
a letter to a friend is worth more than the last five years on Facebook.