(no subject)
matti has just disappeared. i'm guessing close to three months of not returning any contact means you don't want that person around anymore. i asked her if i did anything to upset her, i've asked if she's mad at me, i've asked her if she fell in love with someone else and just didn't want to tell me. if she's with someone else, that's fine, i just wish she could let me know. i can't make myself angry enough to not worry about her, so it's just... there. i don't even know what to say but that i miss her and hockey season next year is going to suck.
i've mentioned that i smoke weed but never how much, likely because i couldn't even admit it to myself. i think it's a perfectly safe intoxicant that should be legalized but abuse of anything is harmful and i was definitely abusing it. it made my anxiety worse, took away any motivation i had to take care of myself, and i'm sure i've read several books / watched movies that i don't even remember. needless to say, it feels good being sober and the worst of withdrawal was over in a week. i can read a lot longer, i have more time in my day to do productive activities, and i'm just more available to be there for people like i always wanted to be. oh and having the $300 a month back that i was wasting is pretty swell too. it hasn't been easy living with two people who do smoke weed and cigarettes and one who drinks but i really could care less about all of it. i'm tired of it and the people in my life deserve a better me.
i've been spending as much time as i can with my grandmother which is hard but necessary. she has a very difficult time with memory and will ask you things she just asked 15 minutes ago, again and again. she also gets confused and has done things like starting to pack fragile things in her house because she saw a tornado on the news or thinking that Chloe (my dog that is staying at her house) is Bonnie, which was her dog that died 20+ years ago. we've noticed more than ever how much my grandfather was a calming force in her life as she can be pretty abrasive and hurtful to my mother which she would never do if grandpa was still here. i miss him so much but i can only imagine how much she does too. she really just seems to be tired of being alive and wants to be with him and that's heartbreaking. but i bring her flowers, do puzzles with her, and sit through Little House on the Prairie (oh lordy) just to make sure she knows she's loved and it seems to do something, no matter how little.
i keep mentioning bigger things i want to talk about but i'm always too tired when i have the chance. but i'm committed to writing more because it used to be a necessary part of my life (of everyone's). everyone should write. yes, i mean YOU.
life will punish you just to remind you never to take it for granted. i'm learning to accept that.
i've mentioned that i smoke weed but never how much, likely because i couldn't even admit it to myself. i think it's a perfectly safe intoxicant that should be legalized but abuse of anything is harmful and i was definitely abusing it. it made my anxiety worse, took away any motivation i had to take care of myself, and i'm sure i've read several books / watched movies that i don't even remember. needless to say, it feels good being sober and the worst of withdrawal was over in a week. i can read a lot longer, i have more time in my day to do productive activities, and i'm just more available to be there for people like i always wanted to be. oh and having the $300 a month back that i was wasting is pretty swell too. it hasn't been easy living with two people who do smoke weed and cigarettes and one who drinks but i really could care less about all of it. i'm tired of it and the people in my life deserve a better me.
i've been spending as much time as i can with my grandmother which is hard but necessary. she has a very difficult time with memory and will ask you things she just asked 15 minutes ago, again and again. she also gets confused and has done things like starting to pack fragile things in her house because she saw a tornado on the news or thinking that Chloe (my dog that is staying at her house) is Bonnie, which was her dog that died 20+ years ago. we've noticed more than ever how much my grandfather was a calming force in her life as she can be pretty abrasive and hurtful to my mother which she would never do if grandpa was still here. i miss him so much but i can only imagine how much she does too. she really just seems to be tired of being alive and wants to be with him and that's heartbreaking. but i bring her flowers, do puzzles with her, and sit through Little House on the Prairie (oh lordy) just to make sure she knows she's loved and it seems to do something, no matter how little.
i keep mentioning bigger things i want to talk about but i'm always too tired when i have the chance. but i'm committed to writing more because it used to be a necessary part of my life (of everyone's). everyone should write. yes, i mean YOU.
life will punish you just to remind you never to take it for granted. i'm learning to accept that.
Click to view