A Stenographer's Guide to the Marauder Years: 4-5
Title: A Stenographer's Guide to the Marauder Years
Author: _demonsblade_
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: PG-13
Genre: romance, fluff, humor
Warning: Slash, boy/boy snoggage, crude humor
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: All characters © J.K. Rowling
Summary: A story told through seven important conversations between Sirius and Remus throughout their years at Hogwarts. How they met, how they became friends, and how they fell in love. All-dialogue one shot.
Years 1 - 3
Year 4
“Sirius, there’s something important I need to tell you.”
“Fire away.”
“Can we go somewhere private?”
“Oh, I see. Up for a little romance, eh?”
“Sirius, this really isn’t the time.”
“Okay, okay. You want to go for a moonlight walk then?”
“Sure. Let’s go.”
“…”
“…”
“So you wanted to tell me something?”
“Uh…yeah. Well, you know last year when we had that little talk about sexuality?”
“You mean when I told you I was gay?”
“I think you said something along the lines of ‘I’m going crazy. Help me.’”
“Whatever. What about it?”
“I-I think I might be gay, too.”
“…”
“Sirius? Why did you stop?”
“You’re gay?”
“I think so.”
“You mean you don’t know?”
“I’m not sure.”
“But you’re the one who helped me figure out that I’m gay.”
“I know…but I really don’t know what I am.”
“Okay. Let me ask you the same questions you asked me, and we’ll see from there.”
“Sure.”
“Here…let’s sit down.”
“…On what?”
“On the window ledge.”
“But it’s only big enough for one person.”
“I’m sure we can fit.”
“…”
“See?”
“’M squash’d.”
“Here…just turn around…now put your arm here…”
“Here?”
“No-around my neck. There. And let me put my legs…there. Okay. Now you’re comfortable, right?”
“…”
“What?”
“I’m sitting in your lap.”
“…”
“…”
“No one’s around.”
“But still-”
“Would you rather stand?”
“No.”
“Then let’s move on, shall we?”
“Fine. Ask your questions.”
“Okay. Let’s think…oh, yeah. Have you ever had sex dreams with women?”
“A few-What?”
“I’m trying to imagine you having sex dreams-it’s not working.”
“Sirius!”
“What?”
“Don’t try and imagine that!”
“But you’re the last person I’d expect to have a sex dream.”
“Can we just move on?”
“Okay.”
“…”
“Uh…have you had sex dreams about men?”
“Yes.”
“Have you been attracted to men?”
“Yes.”
“Women?”
“Yes.”
“Have you had a crush on a bloke?”
“…”
“Have you?”
“…Yes.”
“A girl?”
“Once.”
“Do-do you think about girls when you wank? Wait-do you wank?”
“Yes.”
“Yes you wank?”
“Yeah. Don’t smirk like that.”
“Sorry.”
“And no to the other question. I don’t think about girls.”
“Boys, then?”
“Yeah.”
“Interesting.”
“…”
“So I guess you like them both then, yeah?”
“Can I do that?”
“Yeah…you’re bisexual. Or asexual. Or something like that.”
“I…prefer bisexual. Asexual sounds like I’m an amoeba or something.”
“A what?”
“Nevermind. It’s a Muggle thing.”
“Oh.”
“…”
“…”
“But if I’m attracted to both, then how come I like boys better?”
“You do?”
“I think so.”
“Are you sure?”
“Er…”
“Positive?”
“…”
“Remus?”
“You’re confusing me.”
“Well…there’s a way to find out.”
“Something in the way you say that makes me think I’m not going to enjoy this.”
“You might. You might not.”
“What is it?”
“You’ve kissed a girl before, right?”
“Yeah. One.”
“Did you like it?”
“Um…it was good, I guess.”
“Have you kissed a boy?”
“No.”
“If you kiss a boy, you’ll be able to see if you like both the same or if you like one better, right?”
“Uh…I don’t think-”
“What? You don’t think what?”
“I don’t have a boy to kiss.”
“…”
“…”
“You have…me.”
“You?”
“Yeah.”
“But you’re dating someone.”
“So?”
“So isn’t that like cheating?”
“Well, we never said we were exclusive.”
“Still…”
“I don’t mind. I’m gay, remember?”
“But won’t it be weird?”
“Why would it be weird?”
“I don’t know…because we’re friends.”
“That’s exactly why it won’t be weird.”
“But-”
“Pucker up.”
“…”
“S-stop squirming…like that, Rem-ah-Remus. It’s…doing things…”
“Huh? Doing…what?-Oh! Oh, I’m sorry.”
“S’okay.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“…”
“Ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Okay.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Wow, Remus.”
“That was…that was…”
“Amazing?”
“Well…yeah.”
“Where did you learn to kiss like that?”
“I didn’t really…learn. I just…I don’t know.”
“Are you sure you’ve only kissed one other person?”
“I’m sure.”
“Then…wow. You’re a really good kisser.”
“Er…thanks…?”
“That thing you did with your tongue was like…whoa.”
“Right…er…”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah. It-it’s nothing.”
“…”
“…”
“So you like boys better then?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“Oh. Good.”
“…”
“I read this book on werewolves and their mating habits once.”
“You read what?”
“Last year you said that wolves have instances of homosexuality. I was curious about werewolves.”
“And you found out what?”
“That werewolves don’t really care about gender. Men or women…it doesn’t really matter.”
“Oh…er…but then why did we just try and find out which gender I like better?”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“Just…just to see. Sometimes-well, you never know.”
“Right…”
“…”
“Shall we go then?”
“Oh! Right. We should get back to the tower.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“Mmm?”
“You’re a good kisser, too.”
“Thanks.”
“Sure.”
Year 5
“Sirius! Sirius, are you in here? Sirius!”
“…”
“Sirius Black if you don’t show yourself I swear I’ll-”
“Ruff!”
“…A dog? How did a dog get in here?”
“Ruff! Ruff!”
“No wait-no don’t. Stay! Stay!”
“Rrrrrrufff!”
“Stay you stupid dog! Don’t-don’t-AHHHH!”
“Rrrruff!”
“Gerroff! Don’t lick my face! Urgh! Get off! What are you-Sirius?”
“…”
“…”
“So…you like it?”
“…”
“Remus?”
“…”
“Are you okay? You look like you’re having an aneurysm or something.”
“You-you-you’re an Animagus!”
“Yep. You like?”
“You’re an Animagus.”
“Yes, I think we’ve established that.”
“You’re an-”
“Animagus. Yes, I know.”
“How-how did you-do you know what would happen if anyone found out?”
“Yeah. Azkaban.”
“But then-why?”
“I did it for you.”
“You-did-for me?”
“For you, Moony.”
“What’s a moony?”
“You are. That’s your new marauder nickname.”
“Moony.”
“Yep. Moony.”
“Can’t you think of a better name than that?”
“But I like it. It suits you.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“It does, too.”
“And besides, you’re changing the topic. Are you really an Animagus?”
“Mr. Moony, meet Mr. Padfoot.”
“Padfoot?”
“You like?”
“NO! Do you realize how much trouble you could get into?”
“Of course I do.”
“What about the others?”
“They’re Animagi, too. You’ll see their forms tonight.”
“But-but-why?”
“For you.”
“For me?”
“We can’t keep you company as humans when you transform. So we thought-why not keep you company as other animals?”
“But-but-you-I-”
“Remus…are you going to cry?”
“…”
“Remus?”
“…”
“Moony?”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“What-?”
“I really don’t deserve to have such good friends.”
“Yes, you do, Moony. You deserve it more than anyone else I know.”
“…”
“Better now?”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“Why do I always end up sitting on your lap?”
“Er…I’m not entirely sure…but I don’t mind.”
“You should.”
“Should what?”
“You should mind.”
“Why? You hardly weigh anything at all. And I’m not with anyone.”
“I know, but…”
“If you’re uncomfortable…”
“No…I’m good. I just-can I-would you-”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“…”
“I just realized…”
“Realized what?”
“You licked my face.”
“Er…”
“Well, not you you-but the dog you-I don’t know-do you have control over what you do as a dog?”
“Er…a little.”
“Oh.”
“…”
“…”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For licking you.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
“You don’t?”
“Except for the dog breath.”
“Hey!”
“…”
“Stop laughing.”
“Sorry.”
“Do I really have dog breath?”
“Well, you did as a dog, but I don’t know now. Blow.”
“What?”
“Blow.”
“Like…blow you?”
“What-oh! Urgh! No! I meant-blow so I can see if you have dog breath or not.”
“Oh.”
“…”
“So do I?”
“No, it’s good.”
“Okay.”
“…”
“…”
“God, Sirius. I can’t believe you did all this for me.”
“Believe it.”
“I-don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but…I love you.”
“…”
“As a friend.”
“Right.”
“…”
“I love you, too…as a friend.”
Years 6 - 7
Author: _demonsblade_
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: PG-13
Genre: romance, fluff, humor
Warning: Slash, boy/boy snoggage, crude humor
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: All characters © J.K. Rowling
Summary: A story told through seven important conversations between Sirius and Remus throughout their years at Hogwarts. How they met, how they became friends, and how they fell in love. All-dialogue one shot.
Years 1 - 3
Year 4
“Sirius, there’s something important I need to tell you.”
“Fire away.”
“Can we go somewhere private?”
“Oh, I see. Up for a little romance, eh?”
“Sirius, this really isn’t the time.”
“Okay, okay. You want to go for a moonlight walk then?”
“Sure. Let’s go.”
“…”
“…”
“So you wanted to tell me something?”
“Uh…yeah. Well, you know last year when we had that little talk about sexuality?”
“You mean when I told you I was gay?”
“I think you said something along the lines of ‘I’m going crazy. Help me.’”
“Whatever. What about it?”
“I-I think I might be gay, too.”
“…”
“Sirius? Why did you stop?”
“You’re gay?”
“I think so.”
“You mean you don’t know?”
“I’m not sure.”
“But you’re the one who helped me figure out that I’m gay.”
“I know…but I really don’t know what I am.”
“Okay. Let me ask you the same questions you asked me, and we’ll see from there.”
“Sure.”
“Here…let’s sit down.”
“…On what?”
“On the window ledge.”
“But it’s only big enough for one person.”
“I’m sure we can fit.”
“…”
“See?”
“’M squash’d.”
“Here…just turn around…now put your arm here…”
“Here?”
“No-around my neck. There. And let me put my legs…there. Okay. Now you’re comfortable, right?”
“…”
“What?”
“I’m sitting in your lap.”
“…”
“…”
“No one’s around.”
“But still-”
“Would you rather stand?”
“No.”
“Then let’s move on, shall we?”
“Fine. Ask your questions.”
“Okay. Let’s think…oh, yeah. Have you ever had sex dreams with women?”
“A few-What?”
“I’m trying to imagine you having sex dreams-it’s not working.”
“Sirius!”
“What?”
“Don’t try and imagine that!”
“But you’re the last person I’d expect to have a sex dream.”
“Can we just move on?”
“Okay.”
“…”
“Uh…have you had sex dreams about men?”
“Yes.”
“Have you been attracted to men?”
“Yes.”
“Women?”
“Yes.”
“Have you had a crush on a bloke?”
“…”
“Have you?”
“…Yes.”
“A girl?”
“Once.”
“Do-do you think about girls when you wank? Wait-do you wank?”
“Yes.”
“Yes you wank?”
“Yeah. Don’t smirk like that.”
“Sorry.”
“And no to the other question. I don’t think about girls.”
“Boys, then?”
“Yeah.”
“Interesting.”
“…”
“So I guess you like them both then, yeah?”
“Can I do that?”
“Yeah…you’re bisexual. Or asexual. Or something like that.”
“I…prefer bisexual. Asexual sounds like I’m an amoeba or something.”
“A what?”
“Nevermind. It’s a Muggle thing.”
“Oh.”
“…”
“…”
“But if I’m attracted to both, then how come I like boys better?”
“You do?”
“I think so.”
“Are you sure?”
“Er…”
“Positive?”
“…”
“Remus?”
“You’re confusing me.”
“Well…there’s a way to find out.”
“Something in the way you say that makes me think I’m not going to enjoy this.”
“You might. You might not.”
“What is it?”
“You’ve kissed a girl before, right?”
“Yeah. One.”
“Did you like it?”
“Um…it was good, I guess.”
“Have you kissed a boy?”
“No.”
“If you kiss a boy, you’ll be able to see if you like both the same or if you like one better, right?”
“Uh…I don’t think-”
“What? You don’t think what?”
“I don’t have a boy to kiss.”
“…”
“…”
“You have…me.”
“You?”
“Yeah.”
“But you’re dating someone.”
“So?”
“So isn’t that like cheating?”
“Well, we never said we were exclusive.”
“Still…”
“I don’t mind. I’m gay, remember?”
“But won’t it be weird?”
“Why would it be weird?”
“I don’t know…because we’re friends.”
“That’s exactly why it won’t be weird.”
“But-”
“Pucker up.”
“…”
“S-stop squirming…like that, Rem-ah-Remus. It’s…doing things…”
“Huh? Doing…what?-Oh! Oh, I’m sorry.”
“S’okay.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“…”
“Ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Okay.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Wow, Remus.”
“That was…that was…”
“Amazing?”
“Well…yeah.”
“Where did you learn to kiss like that?”
“I didn’t really…learn. I just…I don’t know.”
“Are you sure you’ve only kissed one other person?”
“I’m sure.”
“Then…wow. You’re a really good kisser.”
“Er…thanks…?”
“That thing you did with your tongue was like…whoa.”
“Right…er…”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah. It-it’s nothing.”
“…”
“…”
“So you like boys better then?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“Oh. Good.”
“…”
“I read this book on werewolves and their mating habits once.”
“You read what?”
“Last year you said that wolves have instances of homosexuality. I was curious about werewolves.”
“And you found out what?”
“That werewolves don’t really care about gender. Men or women…it doesn’t really matter.”
“Oh…er…but then why did we just try and find out which gender I like better?”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“Just…just to see. Sometimes-well, you never know.”
“Right…”
“…”
“Shall we go then?”
“Oh! Right. We should get back to the tower.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“Mmm?”
“You’re a good kisser, too.”
“Thanks.”
“Sure.”
Year 5
“Sirius! Sirius, are you in here? Sirius!”
“…”
“Sirius Black if you don’t show yourself I swear I’ll-”
“Ruff!”
“…A dog? How did a dog get in here?”
“Ruff! Ruff!”
“No wait-no don’t. Stay! Stay!”
“Rrrrrrufff!”
“Stay you stupid dog! Don’t-don’t-AHHHH!”
“Rrrruff!”
“Gerroff! Don’t lick my face! Urgh! Get off! What are you-Sirius?”
“…”
“…”
“So…you like it?”
“…”
“Remus?”
“…”
“Are you okay? You look like you’re having an aneurysm or something.”
“You-you-you’re an Animagus!”
“Yep. You like?”
“You’re an Animagus.”
“Yes, I think we’ve established that.”
“You’re an-”
“Animagus. Yes, I know.”
“How-how did you-do you know what would happen if anyone found out?”
“Yeah. Azkaban.”
“But then-why?”
“I did it for you.”
“You-did-for me?”
“For you, Moony.”
“What’s a moony?”
“You are. That’s your new marauder nickname.”
“Moony.”
“Yep. Moony.”
“Can’t you think of a better name than that?”
“But I like it. It suits you.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“It does, too.”
“And besides, you’re changing the topic. Are you really an Animagus?”
“Mr. Moony, meet Mr. Padfoot.”
“Padfoot?”
“You like?”
“NO! Do you realize how much trouble you could get into?”
“Of course I do.”
“What about the others?”
“They’re Animagi, too. You’ll see their forms tonight.”
“But-but-why?”
“For you.”
“For me?”
“We can’t keep you company as humans when you transform. So we thought-why not keep you company as other animals?”
“But-but-you-I-”
“Remus…are you going to cry?”
“…”
“Remus?”
“…”
“Moony?”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“What-?”
“I really don’t deserve to have such good friends.”
“Yes, you do, Moony. You deserve it more than anyone else I know.”
“…”
“Better now?”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“Why do I always end up sitting on your lap?”
“Er…I’m not entirely sure…but I don’t mind.”
“You should.”
“Should what?”
“You should mind.”
“Why? You hardly weigh anything at all. And I’m not with anyone.”
“I know, but…”
“If you’re uncomfortable…”
“No…I’m good. I just-can I-would you-”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“…”
“I just realized…”
“Realized what?”
“You licked my face.”
“Er…”
“Well, not you you-but the dog you-I don’t know-do you have control over what you do as a dog?”
“Er…a little.”
“Oh.”
“…”
“…”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For licking you.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
“You don’t?”
“Except for the dog breath.”
“Hey!”
“…”
“Stop laughing.”
“Sorry.”
“Do I really have dog breath?”
“Well, you did as a dog, but I don’t know now. Blow.”
“What?”
“Blow.”
“Like…blow you?”
“What-oh! Urgh! No! I meant-blow so I can see if you have dog breath or not.”
“Oh.”
“…”
“So do I?”
“No, it’s good.”
“Okay.”
“…”
“…”
“God, Sirius. I can’t believe you did all this for me.”
“Believe it.”
“I-don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but…I love you.”
“…”
“As a friend.”
“Right.”
“…”
“I love you, too…as a friend.”
Years 6 - 7