A Stenographer's Guide to the Marauder Years: 1-3
Title: A Stenographer's Guide to the Marauder Years
Author: _demonsblade_
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: PG-13
Genre: romance, fluff, humor
Warning: Slash, boy/boy snoggage, crude humor
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: All characters © J.K. Rowling
Summary: A story told through seven important conversations between Sirius and Remus throughout their years at Hogwarts. How they met, how they became friends, and how they fell in love. All-dialogue one shot.
Year 1
“Hi!”
“Hello.”
“Is this compartment taken?”
“No.”
“Do you mind if I join you?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Thanks.”
“…”
“What’s your name, anyway?”
“R-Remus. Remus Lupin.”
“I’m Sirius Black. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too.”
“What are you reading?”
“Hogwarts, A History.”
“Is it good?”
“It’s interesting. There’re loads of funny facts in here.”
“Like what?”
“Like did you know that the ceiling in the Great Hall is enchanted to look like the real sky?”
“Yeah, I knew that.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. My cousin Andromeda told me. She just graduated from Hogwarts a few years ago.”
“Really?”
“Are you a Mud-Muggle-born?”
“No. I’m a halfblood. My mum’s a Muggle.”
“Oh. You know, my parents think that Muggles aren’t as good as wizards, but Andromeda told me that’s a load of crap.”
“My dad’s parents thought that, too. They were mad at him for marrying my mom. He said they didn’t talk to him for two years-until I was born.”
“I think it’s great that you’re a halfblood.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
“…”
“…”
“Do you know what House you want to be in yet?”
“I don’t know. Gryffindor would be great. And Ravenclaw wouldn’t be so bad. Neither would Hufflepuff, I guess. I don’t know about Slytherin, though. It sounds a bit dodgy.”
“All of my family was in Slytherin except for Andromeda.”
“Oh…sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to be in Slytherin, either. Andromeda said they’re really into the Dark Arts and stuff. Most Dark wizards have been in Slytherin.”
“Then I think I’ll take anything except Slytherin.”
“Me, too. Though it’d be cool to be a Gryffindor.”
“Yeah. It would.”
“…”
“…”
“Hey, do you know anyone else at Hogwarts yet?”
“No. You’re the first person I’ve met. Do you know anyone?”
“Yeah…one of my cousins, Bellatrix, is in second year. She’s in Slytherin. And I know a few of the others because our parents are friends.”
“Oh.”
“So do you want to be friends?”
“Sure…yeah, I’d like that.”
Year 2
“Remus?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.”
“…”
“What?”
“Well, it’s a little hard to talk to you when you have your nose pressed into that book. Seriously, how many times are you going to read Hogwarts, A History?”
“Hey! Give it back, Sirius!”
“We need to talk.”
“Fine. There. The book’s closed. Now talk.”
“Can we go somewhere private?”
“Why?”
“You want to take a walk?”
“Okay, sure.”
“…”
“What’s this about?”
“Well…er…”
“Yes?”
“The others…James and Peter…and I…er…”
“Yes, we’ve established the ‘er…’.”
“I’m trying here. It’s hard.”
“…”
“Um…Remus…you know we’ve been friends for a long time.”
“Yeah?”
“And you know, well…”
“Spit it out, Sirius.”
“…”
“I’m waiting.”
“…”
“What is it?”
“We know.”
“…”
“We know, Remus.”
“You-you know what?”
“We know about you being a-a werewolf.”
“…”
“Hey! Remus, wait!”
“How-how did you find out?”
“Well, we started noticing that you were gone nearly every month. And we know you said your mother got sick, but you were the one who really looked sick. James made this comment that you were like a girl on the rag. It happened the same time every month. Then we had that lunar chart for Astronomy. Everything just sort of clicked.”
“…”
“Remus?”
“…”
“Remus? Are you okay?”
“You-you hate me now?”
“No! Why would I hate you?”
“Because I’m a were-a werewolf…a monster.”
“You’re not a monster, Remus. You’re Remus Lupin. My friend, my partner in crime, my…friend.”
“You said ‘friend’ twice.”
“That’s how much of a friend you are.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“That’s-ompf…Hey…are you crying?”
“’M sorry.”
“It’s okay, Remus. We don’t blame you. We’re your friends…we’re not going to leave you…I’m not going to leave you.”
“Thanks.”
“…”
“…”
“People are starting to come out.”
“Are they?”
“They shouldn’t find us hugging like this. That’s how rumors get started.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
“No problem. Shall we go back to the tower then?”
“Yeah…let’s.”
“…”
“…”
“You know, you really should learn to lie better. I mean…your mum was sick? That was weak, Remus, even for you.”
“Even for me?”
“Er…that didn’t quite come out like I wanted it to.”
“Just shut up, Sirius.”
“Shutting.”
“…”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“Mmm?”
“You’re still holding my hand.”
“Sorry.”
“…”
“…”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“I’m sure, Remus. I don’t care one way or the other whether you’re a werewolf or not. I wouldn’t care even if you aren’t a werewolf and you really just are on the rag.”
“Sirius!”
“What?”
“You didn’t have to say it that loudly! The rumors, remember?”
“Right. Sorry.”
“But really-you wouldn’t care even if I was on the rag?”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“You’re not, are you?”
“No. I don’t even think it’s biologically possible.”
“Right. Sarcasm. Must learn to master that one.”
“Why do you sound so disappointed?”
“I’m not. Just-if you were, then-I’m not.”
“Are you blushing?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
“…”
“You won’t tell anyone I cried, will you?”
“No.”
“Not even James and Peter?”
“Not even James and Peter. After all, what’s a couple of secrets between best friends, right?”
“Right.”
“…”
“Thanks.”
Year 3
“Remus!”
“Huh?”
“I think I’m going crazy.”
“That’s nice.”
“No, I’m serious.”
“I know you are.”
“I’m really going crazy.”
“Good for you.”
“Remus!”
“…”
“Will you put the goddamn book down and talk to me?”
“But I need to research anti-Apparition barriers.”
“What for?”
“For my own amusement.”
“…”
“Ah, peace and quiet. For once I have stunned you into silence.”
“Reeeeeeeemuuuuuuuusssss!”
“Do not wail like a three-year-old. At least not around me. It’s embarrassing.”
“Then help me.”
“Okay. What to you want me to do?”
“Budge over. I want to sit, too.”
“Why can’t you sit on your own bed?”
“Because it’s all the way across the room from yours. Now move over.”
“OW!”
“What?”
“You sat on my hand!”
“Sorry.”
“…”
“Okay, now…”
“How exactly do you want me to help you?”
“I don’t know. I thought you were the one with a psychopathist for a mum.”
“Psychiatrist, Sirius. She’s a psychiatrist.”
“Whatever. A Mind Healer.”
“In essence, yes.”
“So what does she do to help her patients?”
“Well, mostly they just talk and she helps them find the root of their problems and fix it.”
“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.”
“But I’m not a psychiatrist.”
“You’ve read some of your mum’s books, haven’t you?”
“Yeah…”
“Then you’re close enough.”
“…”
“Can I lie down?”
“Why?”
“In my Muggle Studies book, they always show the patient lying down on a sofa or something.”
“Fine. Lie down.”
“Okay.”
“Not on my lap!”
“I was aiming for the pillow.”
“You have lousy aim then. The pillow and my lap are at least five feet apart!”
“…”
“All right. Now what’s the problem?”
“Lately I’ve been having some dreams.”
“Uh-huh…”
“And-they were…you know…those kind of dreams.”
“Those kind of dreams?”
“Yeah…uh…you know.”
“I’m afraid I don’t follow.”
“You know…”
“…”
“They were sex dreams, okay?”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure you want to talk about this?”
“Yes.”
“But-er-can’t you talk with James?”
“No. You’re the psychopathist.”
“Psychiatrist.”
“Right. That.”
“Okay. Go on then.”
“Go on with what?”
“These dreams. What did they entail?”
“Entail?”
“What were you doing?”
“I…I thought it was obvious what I was doing.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Everyone our age has sex dreams, Sirius. Why are yours any different?”
“Because they…er…well, I…there’s a boy in them.”
“…”
“…”
“A boy?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you mean to say that you’re having sex dreams about a boy?”
“Uh…yeah, I-I guess I am.”
“Who is it?”
“Does it matter?”
“No. I’m just curious.”
“I’m not telling.”
“Fine. Did you ever have sex dreams about women?”
“Er…no, I don’t think so.”
“Have you ever found any women to be attractive?”
“Um…no.”
“Have you ever had a crush on a girl?”
“No.”
“Have you ever thought of a girl when you masturbate?”
“When I wank? How do you know I wank?”
“How can I not know? It’s not like you’re exactly quiet.”
“…”
“What?”
“It’s so weird to hear you talking about wanking.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re Remus. You never talk about that kind of stuff.”
“Well, I’m talking now. Answer the question.”
“No. I’ve never thought about a girl when I wank.”
“What do you think about?”
“Y-y-boys.”
“I see.”
“…”
“Well, that solves it.”
“It does?”
“You don’t need me to tell you this, Sirius. You’re gay.”
“I’m what?”
“Gay. Homosexual.”
“…”
“You’re attracted to your own sex.”
“Well…yeah. So how do we fix it?”
“Fix it?”
“Yeah. How do I stop being gay?”
“You can’t.”
“What?”
“Why do you want to stop being gay?”
“Because it’s not normal.”
“So?”
“So…I don’t know. Isn’t it weird?”
“Well, a little, I guess.”
“But-I mean, will you still be friends with me?”
“Of course I will. Why wouldn’t I? I have a cousin on my mum’s side who’s gay.”
“So I can’t stop?”
“No. And besides, it’s natural.”
“Natural?”
“Yeah. There’re loads of animals who mate inside their own sex.”
“Like…?”
“Birds, insects, dolphins, dogs, wolves, baboons, chimpanzees…”
“Wolves?”
“Yeah.”
“Does that include werewolves?”
“Er…I don’t really know.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
“For what?”
“For making you blush.”
“I’m not blushing!”
“Whatever you say.”
“…”
“So you’re sure it’s normal?”
“Perfectly normal.”
“I’m not going crazy?”
“You were always a little crazy, Sirius.”
“That’s my charm.”
“Your charm.”
“Yep.”
“…”
“Thanks, Remus.”
“You’re welcome.”
Years 4 - 5
Author: _demonsblade_
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: PG-13
Genre: romance, fluff, humor
Warning: Slash, boy/boy snoggage, crude humor
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: All characters © J.K. Rowling
Summary: A story told through seven important conversations between Sirius and Remus throughout their years at Hogwarts. How they met, how they became friends, and how they fell in love. All-dialogue one shot.
Year 1
“Hi!”
“Hello.”
“Is this compartment taken?”
“No.”
“Do you mind if I join you?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Thanks.”
“…”
“What’s your name, anyway?”
“R-Remus. Remus Lupin.”
“I’m Sirius Black. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too.”
“What are you reading?”
“Hogwarts, A History.”
“Is it good?”
“It’s interesting. There’re loads of funny facts in here.”
“Like what?”
“Like did you know that the ceiling in the Great Hall is enchanted to look like the real sky?”
“Yeah, I knew that.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. My cousin Andromeda told me. She just graduated from Hogwarts a few years ago.”
“Really?”
“Are you a Mud-Muggle-born?”
“No. I’m a halfblood. My mum’s a Muggle.”
“Oh. You know, my parents think that Muggles aren’t as good as wizards, but Andromeda told me that’s a load of crap.”
“My dad’s parents thought that, too. They were mad at him for marrying my mom. He said they didn’t talk to him for two years-until I was born.”
“I think it’s great that you’re a halfblood.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
“…”
“…”
“Do you know what House you want to be in yet?”
“I don’t know. Gryffindor would be great. And Ravenclaw wouldn’t be so bad. Neither would Hufflepuff, I guess. I don’t know about Slytherin, though. It sounds a bit dodgy.”
“All of my family was in Slytherin except for Andromeda.”
“Oh…sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to be in Slytherin, either. Andromeda said they’re really into the Dark Arts and stuff. Most Dark wizards have been in Slytherin.”
“Then I think I’ll take anything except Slytherin.”
“Me, too. Though it’d be cool to be a Gryffindor.”
“Yeah. It would.”
“…”
“…”
“Hey, do you know anyone else at Hogwarts yet?”
“No. You’re the first person I’ve met. Do you know anyone?”
“Yeah…one of my cousins, Bellatrix, is in second year. She’s in Slytherin. And I know a few of the others because our parents are friends.”
“Oh.”
“So do you want to be friends?”
“Sure…yeah, I’d like that.”
Year 2
“Remus?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.”
“…”
“What?”
“Well, it’s a little hard to talk to you when you have your nose pressed into that book. Seriously, how many times are you going to read Hogwarts, A History?”
“Hey! Give it back, Sirius!”
“We need to talk.”
“Fine. There. The book’s closed. Now talk.”
“Can we go somewhere private?”
“Why?”
“You want to take a walk?”
“Okay, sure.”
“…”
“What’s this about?”
“Well…er…”
“Yes?”
“The others…James and Peter…and I…er…”
“Yes, we’ve established the ‘er…’.”
“I’m trying here. It’s hard.”
“…”
“Um…Remus…you know we’ve been friends for a long time.”
“Yeah?”
“And you know, well…”
“Spit it out, Sirius.”
“…”
“I’m waiting.”
“…”
“What is it?”
“We know.”
“…”
“We know, Remus.”
“You-you know what?”
“We know about you being a-a werewolf.”
“…”
“Hey! Remus, wait!”
“How-how did you find out?”
“Well, we started noticing that you were gone nearly every month. And we know you said your mother got sick, but you were the one who really looked sick. James made this comment that you were like a girl on the rag. It happened the same time every month. Then we had that lunar chart for Astronomy. Everything just sort of clicked.”
“…”
“Remus?”
“…”
“Remus? Are you okay?”
“You-you hate me now?”
“No! Why would I hate you?”
“Because I’m a were-a werewolf…a monster.”
“You’re not a monster, Remus. You’re Remus Lupin. My friend, my partner in crime, my…friend.”
“You said ‘friend’ twice.”
“That’s how much of a friend you are.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“That’s-ompf…Hey…are you crying?”
“’M sorry.”
“It’s okay, Remus. We don’t blame you. We’re your friends…we’re not going to leave you…I’m not going to leave you.”
“Thanks.”
“…”
“…”
“People are starting to come out.”
“Are they?”
“They shouldn’t find us hugging like this. That’s how rumors get started.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
“No problem. Shall we go back to the tower then?”
“Yeah…let’s.”
“…”
“…”
“You know, you really should learn to lie better. I mean…your mum was sick? That was weak, Remus, even for you.”
“Even for me?”
“Er…that didn’t quite come out like I wanted it to.”
“Just shut up, Sirius.”
“Shutting.”
“…”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“Mmm?”
“You’re still holding my hand.”
“Sorry.”
“…”
“…”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“I’m sure, Remus. I don’t care one way or the other whether you’re a werewolf or not. I wouldn’t care even if you aren’t a werewolf and you really just are on the rag.”
“Sirius!”
“What?”
“You didn’t have to say it that loudly! The rumors, remember?”
“Right. Sorry.”
“But really-you wouldn’t care even if I was on the rag?”
“…”
“Sirius?”
“You’re not, are you?”
“No. I don’t even think it’s biologically possible.”
“Right. Sarcasm. Must learn to master that one.”
“Why do you sound so disappointed?”
“I’m not. Just-if you were, then-I’m not.”
“Are you blushing?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
“…”
“You won’t tell anyone I cried, will you?”
“No.”
“Not even James and Peter?”
“Not even James and Peter. After all, what’s a couple of secrets between best friends, right?”
“Right.”
“…”
“Thanks.”
Year 3
“Remus!”
“Huh?”
“I think I’m going crazy.”
“That’s nice.”
“No, I’m serious.”
“I know you are.”
“I’m really going crazy.”
“Good for you.”
“Remus!”
“…”
“Will you put the goddamn book down and talk to me?”
“But I need to research anti-Apparition barriers.”
“What for?”
“For my own amusement.”
“…”
“Ah, peace and quiet. For once I have stunned you into silence.”
“Reeeeeeeemuuuuuuuusssss!”
“Do not wail like a three-year-old. At least not around me. It’s embarrassing.”
“Then help me.”
“Okay. What to you want me to do?”
“Budge over. I want to sit, too.”
“Why can’t you sit on your own bed?”
“Because it’s all the way across the room from yours. Now move over.”
“OW!”
“What?”
“You sat on my hand!”
“Sorry.”
“…”
“Okay, now…”
“How exactly do you want me to help you?”
“I don’t know. I thought you were the one with a psychopathist for a mum.”
“Psychiatrist, Sirius. She’s a psychiatrist.”
“Whatever. A Mind Healer.”
“In essence, yes.”
“So what does she do to help her patients?”
“Well, mostly they just talk and she helps them find the root of their problems and fix it.”
“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.”
“But I’m not a psychiatrist.”
“You’ve read some of your mum’s books, haven’t you?”
“Yeah…”
“Then you’re close enough.”
“…”
“Can I lie down?”
“Why?”
“In my Muggle Studies book, they always show the patient lying down on a sofa or something.”
“Fine. Lie down.”
“Okay.”
“Not on my lap!”
“I was aiming for the pillow.”
“You have lousy aim then. The pillow and my lap are at least five feet apart!”
“…”
“All right. Now what’s the problem?”
“Lately I’ve been having some dreams.”
“Uh-huh…”
“And-they were…you know…those kind of dreams.”
“Those kind of dreams?”
“Yeah…uh…you know.”
“I’m afraid I don’t follow.”
“You know…”
“…”
“They were sex dreams, okay?”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure you want to talk about this?”
“Yes.”
“But-er-can’t you talk with James?”
“No. You’re the psychopathist.”
“Psychiatrist.”
“Right. That.”
“Okay. Go on then.”
“Go on with what?”
“These dreams. What did they entail?”
“Entail?”
“What were you doing?”
“I…I thought it was obvious what I was doing.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Everyone our age has sex dreams, Sirius. Why are yours any different?”
“Because they…er…well, I…there’s a boy in them.”
“…”
“…”
“A boy?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you mean to say that you’re having sex dreams about a boy?”
“Uh…yeah, I-I guess I am.”
“Who is it?”
“Does it matter?”
“No. I’m just curious.”
“I’m not telling.”
“Fine. Did you ever have sex dreams about women?”
“Er…no, I don’t think so.”
“Have you ever found any women to be attractive?”
“Um…no.”
“Have you ever had a crush on a girl?”
“No.”
“Have you ever thought of a girl when you masturbate?”
“When I wank? How do you know I wank?”
“How can I not know? It’s not like you’re exactly quiet.”
“…”
“What?”
“It’s so weird to hear you talking about wanking.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re Remus. You never talk about that kind of stuff.”
“Well, I’m talking now. Answer the question.”
“No. I’ve never thought about a girl when I wank.”
“What do you think about?”
“Y-y-boys.”
“I see.”
“…”
“Well, that solves it.”
“It does?”
“You don’t need me to tell you this, Sirius. You’re gay.”
“I’m what?”
“Gay. Homosexual.”
“…”
“You’re attracted to your own sex.”
“Well…yeah. So how do we fix it?”
“Fix it?”
“Yeah. How do I stop being gay?”
“You can’t.”
“What?”
“Why do you want to stop being gay?”
“Because it’s not normal.”
“So?”
“So…I don’t know. Isn’t it weird?”
“Well, a little, I guess.”
“But-I mean, will you still be friends with me?”
“Of course I will. Why wouldn’t I? I have a cousin on my mum’s side who’s gay.”
“So I can’t stop?”
“No. And besides, it’s natural.”
“Natural?”
“Yeah. There’re loads of animals who mate inside their own sex.”
“Like…?”
“Birds, insects, dolphins, dogs, wolves, baboons, chimpanzees…”
“Wolves?”
“Yeah.”
“Does that include werewolves?”
“Er…I don’t really know.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
“For what?”
“For making you blush.”
“I’m not blushing!”
“Whatever you say.”
“…”
“So you’re sure it’s normal?”
“Perfectly normal.”
“I’m not going crazy?”
“You were always a little crazy, Sirius.”
“That’s my charm.”
“Your charm.”
“Yep.”
“…”
“Thanks, Remus.”
“You’re welcome.”
Years 4 - 5